Veronica Monet was a high-end escort who catered to married men for nearly 15 years. Now she teaches couples to create compassion, connection and a revitalized sex life through specific communication techniques. How did her work as an escort prepare her for her current role as a Couples Consultant?
There is nothing predictable about Veronica Monet's life. Born to conservative parents and homeschooled, she went on to graduate college with honors and then pursue a seven-year corporate career. Addictions to alcohol and cocaine led to therapy and her eventual sobriety which framed her subsequent life choices in a spiritual context.
Amazingly, this change in direction included a new career in the sex industry much to the dismay of everyone around her including her family and closest friends. During her 14 years as a high-end escort and courtesan, Veronica Monet was married to the love of her life and when she wasn't traveling with wealthy businessmen and staying in expensive hotels, she was home with her husband and step-children living a quiet and relatively normal suburban life.
Today, Monet, divorced and still in a loving and romantic relationship with her ex-husband, works with other couples sharing the communication and sexual techniques which have helped her to sustain a meaningful connection with the same man for nearly three decades. Veronica's work with couples includes role-playing conflict resolution and activating the heart connection which naturally rebirths relationships and revives romance.
How has the industry changed since Veronica began her career? Is this a career path that she would recommend to women today? What important lessons has Veronica learned along the way? Please join us in welcoming Veronica Monet to the Community Interview!
What advise would you give a couple comcerning jelousey and how to deal with it? From both points of view. The peoron who is jelousey and the reciever of that jelousey.Jealousy is a pretty normal emotion for mammals. If you have ever had a cat or dog in your family, you know what I mean. Most pets will compete for attention and sometimes we even think it is cute. Jealousy in adult humans doesn't always strike us as being endearing. It can make us feel loved or wanted or desired. But it can also lead to feelings of being controlled or limited in some way.
Taken to extremes, jealousy has the potential to destroy lives with resentments, revenge and even violence. Obviously, it is one of those emotions best kept in check. But I do not advise controlling or repressing feelings.
A very effective way to prevent any emotion from running your life or controlling your behavior is to express that emotion. Sharing your feelings with your partner is a great way to build intimacy and trust IF you know how to share your feelings without making them the responsibility of your partner.
Try this simple format when sharing feelings which have the power to create upset in the relationship:
"I feel jealous/sad/angry/frustrated when you ___________________."
Don't begin your statement with the word "you" and don't rush to ask your partner to do something different. Keep your focus on simply admitting to the feeling and allowing your partner the opportunity to express empathy for your feelings. It is perfectly possible to have uncomfortable feelings, express those feelings in a safe setting and then feel better even though the thing which was making you feel bad still exists.
Self-talk is a great way to deal with jealousy too. One thing I remind myself of is this - I enjoy my partners' popularity because it validates the attraction and appreciation I have for them. Who wants to be in love or in relationship with someone who is not desired by others? If such were the case, you might wonder what you saw in them. A bit of a superficial approach I suppose but it has provided solace for me on more than one occassion.
Another thing you might try is working on your own self-esteem. After all, jealousy is about feeling insecure and often those feelings are linked to a deeper issue of feeling inadequate or inferior in some way. Work on ways to feel better about yourself and you will be less likely to pick at your partner for minor flirtations and attractions.
If you happen to be in an open relationship and the issue is sex with others or you are poly and you are dealing with your partner's love for another, these principles still apply. I would just add that it helps to get to know the other people in your partner's life. Approach them with respect and caring and you just might find something about them which you can relate to. Life is all together too much work for two people. We are pack animals and we do better in groups. Embrace that and you could transform your life into something you never dreamt possible.
Airen Wolf (host): "WOW! See? I knew this would be a totally amazing interview.
I love your gentle way of explaining how to deal with the anger/hurt/fear/resentment. We will often say "I am having an insecurity moment and I need to work out what is really going on with me before we talk about possible solutions." Sometimes just knowing your partner is floundering eases the path to bonding."
In your work as a consultant what question do you find your asked the most? What question aren't people asking that they should be?Most everyone wants to know if they are "normal." Of course I can certainly assure my clients that their thoughts and desires are shared by others. The fact is that most humans are very similar in their fantasys and their actions.
However, the question people would benefit more from is this:
"How can I enjoy being alive to the fullest?"
So many of us waste money, energy and time worrying about whether we will fit in or impress others or conform to an ideal we have become fixated upon from watching television or movies, reading books or listening to music. Or perhaps our friends have led us to believe that their lives are one non-stop adventure and we are feeling intimidated by what we imagine is a life more glamorous or exciting than our own.
But when you get right down to it, the only thing which truly matters is are you happy? If you enter into relationships trying to prove that you are popular or engage in sex in order to live up to some porn fantasy or romantic novel, you are not really living your life for you.
It can be difficult to claim your happiness. For some reason we tend to second guess our choices and constantly look for verification that we have made the right choice.
What do you like today? Don't figure yourself out and then force yourself to live up to that for the rest of your life. You might be straight this year and gay next year. Don't laugh. I have seen it happen and most people find it very disturbing because we get this picture in our head of who we are supposed to be.
Life is a journey and so is your sex life and your love life. If you can be exquisitely honest with yourself about your needs, your desires and your values and allow yourself to change over time, you will have an increased chance of creating the happiness, spontaneity, curiosity and joy that will keep you younger, more creative and much happier.
Airen Wolf (host): "Sometimes just remembering to be surprised by what you are capable of and living with a sense of self wonder can lead to some amazing 'discoveries' about one's self. This is so much better than slowly dying living up to someone elses desires."
If you were in charge of teaching sexual education to today's youth at what age do you think you would want them to begin learning about the sexual nature of their bodies and what would be one thing you would absolutely include in your curriculum?A little known fact: babies begin masturbating to the point of orgasm while they are in utero - still in the womb! Our cultural insistence to see children as asexual is a form of denial which creates a lot of damage.
As an incest survivor, I am well acquainted with how debilitating adult/child sexual interaction is. I am adamantly opposed to anything which removes the incest taboo for a variety of reasons and I understand how fearful we as a society have become about child molestation. It is a very real problem and the damage it creates reverberates into society leaving mental illness, addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence, rage and suicide in its wake.
In the seventies and eighties we fell out of our mass delusions about how trustworthy priests, rabbis, pastors, parents, teachers and other adults in positions of authority really were and that freed us to examine the truth about child molestation. Laws were enacted to protect children from adult sexual contact. As someone who was not protected as a child I have a deep appreciation for efforts to protect children.
But swinging to the other extreme where we are afraid to even acknowledge that children think about and experiment with sex isn't healthy. It communicates sexual shame which can cripple the sexuality of children so that they find it difficult to function when they become adults.
I believe sex education should begin at the earliest age possible. It should occur in stages so that the child is never introduced to information they have no interest in. This will vary from child to child. There is no specific age when certain information should be dispensed. Rather there are varying levels of curiosity which should be satiated in a shame free context.
Each child deserves matter of fact answers to any and all questions about sex which they may pose. And every child absolutely needs to know that the adults in their world will provide the information without burdening them with personal details about their own sex life. This is called a boundary and one should have healthy boundaries when communicating with children about sex.
Create a caring, safe space where the child navigates the conversation to the points which interest them at any particular moment. Remain open to further inquiries out of the blue as questions and curiosities about sex will naturally arise as the child ages. Learn to answer those questions without fear or judgment.
The one thing I would absolutely include in sex education for children? This:
Sex is an extremely important part of being alive on planet earth and it is meant to bring us joy, creativity and our connection to the Divine. Sharing sex with another human is best delayed until one is an adult but please have sex with yourself often and learn to incorporate it into your spiritual and health practices.
Airen Wolf (host): "I would hire you to teach the teachers. I homeschool my kids and this is how we have always tried to teach sexuality and sexual behavior. My kids can ask me anything and I will answer their questions as simply and clinically as I can making sure I am ONLY answering the question asked. I do not and will not discuss my sex life as it will never be their business, nor do I expect full disclosure from them...though I welcome it in a loving manner if it is offered.
I wish this sort of education could be offered to every child."
My wife of 40+ years and I are in the "comfortable sex" portion of our lives. What is the first thing that comes to mind as far as adding spice to a long term relationship?First of all, that "comfortable" stage of a romantic relationship is optional. Some so-called “experts” will tell you that when sex loses its edge, it’s a sign your relationship has “matured.” Don’t you believe it!
Sex should actually be getting better over time. But like any good thing in life, you do have to pay a small price for admission.
When it comes to amore, it isn’t so much familiarity that “breeds contempt,” but a build-up of unexpressed emotions—especially those emotions we consider “negative.” Unresolved anger is often the cause of low sexual desire in long-term relationships.
You must be willing to learn how to have constructive conflict. If you don’t know the rules of engagement, you will surely create more harm than good, and some part of you knows that. That’s why many of us avoid conflict altogether, but avoiding conflict kills good sex.
Sex and emotions are inextricably linked because humans are not machines. Finding the right button, the magic formula, or some other quick fix may transform the monotonous into the ecstatic, but the improvements are short-lived.
You may be able to sustain that erotic edge for quite awhile. But in time, even this will begin to wear thin as you find yourself craving “something more.”
The "something more" most of us crave at our core is connection - real connection at the deepest level. Both men and women need to feel truly seen, heard, accepted and loved by the person they have chosen to share their life with. Sex becomes a potent way to express this if it exists or an empty exercise in friction and the pursuit of pleasure if the relationship is devoid of honest communication.
Ironically, in long-term relationships especiallly, the peak pleasure experiences tend to be tied to erotic encounters which are more focused on our hearts than our genitals. Creating that type of connection requires the risks associated with emotional vulnerability.
Learning successful ways to be honest and open without damaging each other or ourselves is an art form best learned by consulting with a coach or therapist. It just isn't something most of us learn any other way.
Airen Wolf (host): "How very true! My husband is one who always craves the 'new sensation' but when we started working on our relationship and developing real intimacy and bonding all that desire began to be rechanneled into us."
I can totally relate to your statement that so many of us are burdened with shame. My shame was so great that after so much emotional and verbal abuse -not from clients- but from family, friends and so called "loves", I made the decision to become celibate and have been for the last 4 years. Not making myself happy for the benifit of people who I have found did not give a hoot in the first place is my greatest shame.
My question: Can you tell us more about your project The Shame Free Zone? How does it work? And have you healed many with your technique?The Shame Free Zone is a safe place to share your secrets, express emotions and experience profound empathy.
I create The Shame Free Zone in everything I do:
1.) sessions at my office in Nevada City, California
2.) house calls to couples' homes
3.) my many workshops
4.) my books, blogs and online column
5.) my two radio programs
Much of what goes into creating The Shame Free Zone occurs inside of me before I ever invite someone to join me there. I have worked diligently for many years to free myself of shame. That isn't to suggest that I don't still experience shame from time to time or rather persistently with a few select topics. I do.
And my attention to the process and my commitment to becoming less and less shame based in my own life, becomes a real asset to others who wish to tap into the many gifts which come from living free of shame. Shame weighs us down, limits our ability to be spontaneous and joyful, hinders our creativity, reduces our productivity and ultimately takes a toll on both our emotional and our physical health.
I delight in meeting shame with acceptance and love. I am amazed by the transformations which result from the simple and sincere energy of unconditional acceptance. Some clients come to see me with the express purpose of unloading a lifetime of shameful secrets. They leave my office feeling a hundred pounds lighter and thoroughly energized.
But not all the visits to The Shame Free Zone are as easy as dumping the shame at my feet. Most of my clients follow-up with the homework I assign - which incidentally must be some of the most enjoyable homework ever designed. I have a lot of fun tailoring assignments to the specific needs of individual clients. It might be a masturbation meditation or learning to activate erogenous zones which contain powerful emotions. Or I might suggest a series of role plays to eliminate recurring relationship drama.
What are the long-term effects of entering The Shame Free Zone?
Based upon what I have seen in the lives of my clients over the years, it appears to be:
4. More Intense Orgasms
5. More Loving Relationships
6. Increased Confidence
7. A Renewed Passion for Living
But the one thing I notice above all else is the Sparkle in my clients' eyes. When I see that, I know I have helped them to move from shame and shut-down - to freedom and joy. I can think of no greater sense of fulfillment.
Airen Wolf (host): "We should all have the opportunity to visit the Shame Free Zone!"
What have you discovered to be the common underlying factor in people needing your help with anger management?As a society, we are experiencing a depression epidemic. In his May 17, 2010 article in Psychology Today, Jonathan Rottenberg, Ph.D, asserts "Depression is already the most disabling health condition for adults between the ages of 15-44." Current treatment protocols rely heavily and sometimes exclusively upon prescribing antidepressants and other mood altering medications. But this has not had the desired outcome. In fact, depression is lasting longer than ever today and some doctors fear that while medications may reduce symptoms in the short-term, those symptoms actually become worse in the long term.
Robert Whitaker's italic/Anatomy of an Epidemic reveals startling research in which depression patients experience higher rates of recovery from exercise alone. The reason this sort of information is not widely known is obvious to me at least - Big Pharma simply doesn't want us to pursue treatment modalities which do not involve purchasing the pills they sell. If you pay any attention to online and television commercials, you know that pharmaceutical ads predominate. For this reason and others, this industry has all together too much influence and power over the health care you access. It is high time we take control of our health and a little research can go a long way toward empowering each of us to make the decisions and life changes which serve us best.
If you do just a tiny bit of online exploration, you will discover the many benefits of exercise. If you are depressed, I recommend you begin an exercise program. If you are angry, I recommend an exercise program. If your libido is lagging, I recommend you exercise. Exercise can in fact cure a great deal of what ails you.
And you will probably need and want to do more. As with so many things, our issues are often complex and achieving the results we desire usually requires a multidimensional approach. One of those approaches is anger management. Anger management techniques can help you in many aspects of your life. And since you are an holistic organism, the different aspects of your life are intricately interconnected. Change one thing, and many other shifts occur - often in what seem at first to be unrelated aspects of your life.
For instance, some depression can result when we take our anger and turn it inward. If you find it difficult or impossible to express your anger, you might feel depressed instead. If you get a prescription for an antidepressant, the medication will often have a negative effect on your sexual function including erectile dysfunction, inability to orgasm and less libido.
It might have been better to learn how to get angry so you wouldn't get depressed and lose your sex drive. But that sort of domino effect is rarely explained to us.
Most anger management is offered to people who act out their anger. I am one of the few professionals who is teaching anger management to people who never or rarely get angry. It is my belief that we all have a natural array of emotions including anger and when one emotion is missing, it suggests we are out of balance. Our culture only teaches us how to suppress anger or act it out. So as we are growing up, we make decisions about which of those two modalities we are most comfortable expressing. Do we want to be known as someone who is easy to get along with? Or would we prefer people felt just a tiny bit of fear around us, thereby assuring that no one will ever take advantage of us?
There is a third option. Instead of replicating the old winners and losers mentality, we can create win/win situations in our relationships.
Many of my anger management clients are women. Women are often socialized to "be nice" and I teach them how to rewrite that programming so they can "be authentic" AND refrain from acting in inappropriate ways. We practice assertion skills, owning your "No" and expressing feelings instead of defending "facts."
A beautiful side effect of learning how to get angry in healthy ways is a rebirthing of your sexual desire and orgasmic response. For women specifically, I have observed a connection between the ability to express anger and the ability to female ejaculate.
If you are feeling stuck or numb or blah, you might want to take a jog and then give me a call.
Note: If you are currently taking a prescription for depression, please don't modify the dosage or stop taking your medication without first consulting your doctor. Once your brain chemistry has adapted to a particular substance, a sudden reduction or elimination of that substance can have incredibly disruptive and disturbing effects. So be sure to elicit your doctor's assistance in designing a schedule for gradually tapering off your medication(s) if that is indeed what you decide is in your best interest.
My partner and I have been together 3 years and are talking about getting married, what would you advise us as the 2 or 3 most important things we do/discuss before walking down the aisle?Great question! I not only was married for 13 years, I also perform weddings. I just performed a wedding for two of my good friends a few months ago in fact.
Living together is NOT the same as being married. Marriage carries with it financial responsibilities as well as cultural assumptions. No matter how immune you may believe yourself to be to other's interpretations of marriage, the fact is that once you say "I do" your subconscious will go to work in ways you never anticipated.
Suddenly, you may find it isn't just the two of you anymore. Instead his father and her mother have inserted themselves into the emotional landscape of the relationship. I am not referring to busy body in-laws. I am talking about the voices of your parents which live inside your head.
For instance, you may hear yourself saying something completely out of character for you - something one of your parents used to say all the time - something you may even despise - and yet here it is coming out of your mouth.
We can't foresee all of the obstacles which we will encounter in a marriage but you can minimize the stress and maximize your happiness if you discuss several key points before you get married:
1. What are your values pertaining to Money? Do you like to spend or save? What do you consider a necessity and what do you consider frivolous? Do you intend to keep a separate bank account? Will you share your ATM card with your spouse? If you had to choose, would you rather own a home or travel the world?
2. How do you want to raise your children (from previous relationships, from this relationship, natural or adopted)? Is religion important? Do you prefer homeschooling or public schools? Would you talk about sex with your 13 year old? 8 year old? 6 year old? What about curfews? Allowances? Television? Smoking pot? Do you subscribe to a more permissive approach to child rearing or do you believe in taking a leadership role?
3. Is this relationship going to be exclusive? Or are you open to inviting other people into your home? Your bed? Would you like to stay open to renegotiating the terms of the marriage with the passage of time? Or do you want to set things in stone today so you know what you are getting into? What if your sexual desires and interests change after you get married? How will you deal with differences in desire? Do you prefer the truth in all situations or are you more comfortable with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach?
These questions should get you off to a good start. Be sure to listen to your partner and don't just say "I agree." Take the time to think about your answers and explore the ideas thoroughly. If you discover differences in opinion, use those as an opportunity to negotiate compromise or to disagree without creating conflict. If you don't know how to do that, I can help.
Airen Wolf (host): "I would also add a small discussion about how you see your house cleaning being accomplished. Even if you live together before getting married you should still discuss what is honestly working and what isn't before you 'make it official'. This was a giant bugaboo for us because like Ms. Monet mentioned suddenly we weren't just dealing with our desires we were also dealing with our 'parent voices' expectations."
would you advise people against becoming an escort? What are some of the pro's & con's of being an escort?
What were the most common requests made by your clients?
I see that pursuing therapy and sobriety led you to become an escort. Can I ask WHY though? As in, what was the first thing that prompted you to even consider that career path?
Were you expected to sleep with your clients?
What is the strangest request that you got from a client.
How did you balance your life as an escort with your quiet family life? Was it difficult to switch back and forth?
Were any of your clients virgins to sexual experiences?
What do you think was the main reason you became an escort? Any advice for other women in similar situations?
What drove you towards being an escort, in particular, versus all other avenues?
How did you and your husband deal with your profession at the time? How do the two of you deal with it now?
Was your work as a courtesan enjoyable for you? If so, please elaborate. If not, please elaborate. Did you have regular clients with whom you formed special relationships with? Were you somewhat like a sort of psychitrist for some of them?
As an ex-courtesan myself, I found that it was hard to 'settle down' with 1 man. You were very lucky to have had the best of both worlds! Jealousy played a major role in having a steady partner at that time. Was this also true for the love of your life?
Did you think of your profession as escort/courtesan another form of education in the field of psychology to round out the high honors of your college years? What did you study in college? What was your major? What was your corporate career? Did you enjoy that?
I've heard that it's rather difficult for someone to leave the escort industry and that there are some shady characters involved sometimes. Did you ever feel afraid or threatened during the time you were an escort and was it easy for you to leave your profession?
Whats the strangest request you've had someone ask you to do?
Do you feel more exhausted by your current career, or your previous one?
Whats the strangest request you've had someone ask you to do?
What made you decide to leave corporate life?
Did your husband ever pine for your time by trying to take you on as a client?
Why did you leave the escort service after so long?These are all excellent questions and the answers to each one are contained in both my blog and my book! Here are some juicy excerpts from the blog and the book as well as the links where you can read more of my blog or buy my book!
March 15, 2011 by Veronica Monet
"Today, we speak of prostitutes as if they all live and work in the squalor of the streets. The fact is that the majority of modern prostitutes operate from their homes discreetly supplementing their incomes and/or financing their dreams, whether that is an education, a sole proprietorship or perhaps their art. They too, are women who are not satisfied with the “good girl” role. They probably feel stifled and silenced and confined by popular feminine behavior. And breaking free of that provides a sense of power they have rarely experienced in other contexts.
"It isn’t all sunshine and roses. There are possible arrests and evictions and serial rapists who love to prey upon sex workers because the law affords almost no protection for a “fallen woman.” But for some, the risks are worth it. Anyone who thinks it is just about sex doesn’t understand this fatal split in the feminine. Anyone who thinks is it just about money, doesn’t understand how deeply many humans crave freedom of expression. Sex work is about sex and it is about work, but more importantly it is about breaking free of the rules which dictate women are either “good” or “bad” – either worthy of protection or worthy of persecution."
Nothing But a Whore
By Veronica Monet
"Once a whore – always a whore? In this profession people see you as transformed from a human to something less than human. Whores don’t do prostitution – they ARE prostitutes. There is a difference.
"As a sex worker I hated losing my status as a human. But I have never really felt human anyway. As a woman I have always watched the wicked hand of patriarchy sweep my humanity from view with a few simple incantations: whore, slut, cunt, bitch . . . and with those monosyllabic words I am marked as fair game for all sorts of crimes from rape to murder.
"But the world wants to either vilify us or “rescue” us. San Francisco’s mayor Gavin Newsom has climbed on board the “anti-trafficking” bandwagon along with every other political player and many non-profits vying for federal funding. This last year, San Francisco pissed away over $11 million putting poor women of color through the prostitution merry-go-round of arrests and fines.
"Having sat in a San Francisco jail cell with street prostitutes for over nine hours the night I was arrested for prostitution, I know the utter absurdity of prostitution laws first-hand. Most of the street prostitutes are on a first name basis with the cops and there is a ton of flirting on both sides. It makes the whole arrest-fine-release-arrest cycle a very expensive joke on taxpayers. But what isn’t funny is the horribly negative impact it has on the day to day lives of those sex workers who are being put through the system on a regular basis. For them, vice functions as yet another pimp they have to pay off one way or another.
"The real reason the world wants to punish whores is because we violate their prized beliefs about sex, love and money."
Read more of my blog here:
From the Afterword of Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts:
"What is a goddess? The dictionary gives you two choices, either a supernatural being worthy of worship or a woman of beauty and grace. And indeed, Western culture has a long history of worshipping women they judge beautiful. For me and many others, the word Goddess is much more meaningful than either of these interpretations.
"Shortly after becoming an escort, I became interested in and began studying ancient Goddess cultures, most of which had a very positive outlook on sex and coincidentally women. I read Merlin Stone’s landmark book, “When God was a Woman (Harvest Books, 1978).” I flew to England and instead of racing to London like most tourists I traveled the countryside with my female travel companions looking for ancient sacred Goddess sites such as the stones of Avebury, Chalice Well and the Tor. I also visited Stonehenge, Silbury Hill and several castles but my favorite destination was Glastonbury.
"There was something very magical about the week I spent in Glastonbury. My room was a simple bedroom in a bed and breakfast but the window looked out over the heart of the city. Most mornings the mists of Avalon blanketed the buildings revealing only the beautiful church towers. A little lamb would come to the kitchen each day during our traditional English breakfast of tomatoes, ham, and muffins to suckle from a bottle of milk from the refrigerator.
"I toured Glastonbury Abbey, thought by some to be the oldest above-ground Christian church in the world. The Abbey itself is in ruins but the grounds are beautiful and the Abbot’s Kitchen still stands. As I was leaving the Abbot’s Kitchen, I spied a large egg-shaped rock rolled against the outside wall of the kitchen. Unlike the Abbot’s pot and every other utensil or fixture of the kitchen, this rock had no descriptive name tag or label. Yet it seemed to emanate meaning for me. I felt drawn to the rock and once I was standing next to it, I wanted to sit upon it. I had no idea why and it seemed rather inappropriate to do so. What might the grounds-keepers or fellow tourists think?
"There was a small indentation in the top of the stone. It was the size of a small soup bowel and looked as if it might hold about a cup of whatever. Was this an ancient device for grinding grain? I had no clue. But the impulse to sit on this rock indentation and all would not leave me so I finally gave in and did just that. Sitting there on that large stone I felt a great peace wash over me as if I were suddenly connected to something ancient and meaningful. But what?
"Later that same day, I found a little booklet in a tourist shop with a small paragraph about the stone. Apparently it predates the Abbey and was used in ancient sacred rituals by the priestesses of old. The rock was meant for menstruating women to sit upon. I was taken aback. How was it that I felt this strong urge to reenact a rite from so long ago when I was completely ignorant of the ritual or the people who performed it?"
Buy my book on Amazon:
Airen Wolf (host): "Such an amazing and heartfelt answer to a number of questions. I am stunned and humbled."
What were some of the reason you found why people might call an escort?
What part, if any, did sex toys play in your contacts with your clients?
What did you like the most about being an escort? The least?
Do you feel there is ever an appropriate reason for a man (woman, anyone really) to see an escort without telling their partner before hand?
What made you stop being an escort after 14 years or doing it?
Hello Veronica, and welcome to Eden. My first question is, as an activist for sex worker rights, what is the main accomplishment that you have made? What do you feel is the main accomplishment ever made as far as governmental laws?
At one time you identified as an anti-porn feminist. What made you feel that way at the time and what changed your mind? Do you still call yourself the "f-word" (feminist)?
In an interview on salon.com (2002) you said: "I haven't spent all these years sucking dick just to pay the mortgage. I've done it to learn about humanity, about how men often use prostitutes to preserve their marriages." How so?
What kind of information have you given your children concerning sexual expression and the sex industry?
Did you ever encounter any men who wished to "take you away" from your life as an escort? Did any of them fall in love with you? Did you have to deal with men leaving their wives for you?
Do you maintain relationships (in the form of friendship, or any other relationship) with any of your former clients? Did your discussions with them have an impact on the way you present your workshops? Did any of their relationships with their wives improve?
What do you find to be some of the common misconceptions regarding escorts?
If one of your step children came to you and said they wanted to be a part of the sex industry in some capacity, what would your reaction be and what words of wisdom would you give them?
Did your profession ever lead to any problems with law enforcement?
My partner and I like to use terms like "dirty slut" and other things during our foreplay and play sessions. Considering your previous line of work, would that ever offend you if a partner were to call you those things during play?
If you could offer one piece of advice to those curious about escorting or just getting into it, what would it be?
When you were an escort/courtesan, obviously your husband knew about your escapades. Did your step-children? How did you handle the topic of you being away so much?
How do you separate sex for business and sex for love? Do you disconnect for one and connect for the other? How can you be good at your job if there's no connection?
During the 14 years as an escort, what were some of the more peculiar clientele you saw?
I'm sure you're aware that there are many people who think being an escort is "bad/wrong/shameful", that people shouldn't "sell their body for money" and that it should be illegal. With that in mind, based on your experience what would be your argument for the legalization of the practice?
(for the record, I have many friends that are escorts and don't think there is anything wrong with it)Since I have moved onto other things (working with couples as a sexologist and anger management specialist for instance!), I believe you will get more from my words which were written while I was still escorting:
HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A FEMINIST?
I started calling myself a feminist when I was 15 years of age. I was defying my father's very strict, conservative, ultra-religious dictatorship. It was the '70's and the women's movement was getting a lot of press. Being a feminist at that time was extremely important to me as it meant I was rejecting a lot of sexist assumptions we find ludicrous today. My father, like many men of his era, thought a college education was a waste of time for a woman since she was only going to have babies and take care of the home. Domestic violence and incest were still dirty little secrets that were whispered about if talked about at all. They certainly were NOT household concepts and terms like they are today.
When I entered college, I joined a feminist organization that was helping to fight domestic violence and rape and incest. I was part of a volunteer staff that ran a shelter for women and their children, assisted women in obtaining restraining orders against abusive boyfriends and husbands, and organized annual Take Back the Night marches to raise campus awareness about rape.
Even when it became more fashionable in the 90's to call oneself "post-feminist", I stubbornly continued to wear the label. I think it is important to remember our roots as women and all that we have had to struggle against. We were not given the right to do anything. Everything we enjoy from the right to vote, the right to a college education, the right to hold political office, the right to abortion, the right to legal protection if we are raped or beaten - all these rights and more - were won by fighting for them. Feminists fought those battles and that is why I am proud to be a feminist.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR MARRIED CLIENTS? AREN'T YOU HELPING TO DESTROY THEIR MARRIAGES?
I respect my clients as adults. I am in no position to monitor, police or otherwise control their choices regarding their personal lives. Since personal freedom and sexual freedom are very valuable to me, I don't have any desire to tell others how they should behave or believe. I believe that honesty is vital to a long-term relationship of any kind, whether professional or personal. And as a married person, I practice the highest form of honesty you can imagine. But just because I choose not to drink alcohol or eat sugary foods or smoke cigarettes, doesn't mean I would refuse to be friends with or do business with someone who does. I apply the same standards to the sex lives of others. If people should be able to make adult decisions about food, shouldn't they be allowed to control their own sex lives? I often give unsolicited advice about honesty and safer sex to my clients. I encourage them to consider the merits of being honest with their wives or girlfriends. But I draw the line there. I wouldn't want a restaurant to refuse to serve me the food I ordered because they thought it wasn't a healthy choice for me. And I wouldn't want my best friend to cease to be my friend because she thought I was sleeping with the wrong person for the wrong reason. I treat my clients with the same level of respect.
As for whether I think prostitution contributes to the decay of marriages, I would have to say it depends. If a man avoids his marital problems and complains about his wife to his mistress or his whore, he is pretty much signing the death certificate to his marriage. Anytime we avoid our problems, they only get bigger. It also shows a lack of responsibility that will no doubt carry over into the next relationship. Whenever we are having trouble with a friend or a spouse, it is a wonderful opportunity to learn about ourselves. To avoid that spiritual growth by pointing fingers at the other guy/girl is sad.
There are men who work on their issues via prostitution. They grieve the deaths of loved ones or learn how to please a woman sexually. They explore their sexuality and grow as people. Much of what is learned can actually enhance an existing or future relationship. Many married men and women will bring prostitutes into their marital bed to add spice to their relationship. I have found some of these couples to be very happy, sensuous and secure in their love for each other. Again, it is dangerous to make generalizations about individuals because each life is unique. We each must look into our own hearts to determine if our choices are healthy or appropriate for us at this time.
I UNDERSTAND THAT PROSTITUTES LIKE MONEY BUT WHEN THEY TRY TO EXCUSE WHAT THEY DO BY CALLING IT THERAPY OR SAYING IT IS SPIRITUAL, I THINK THEY ARE ONLY KIDDING THEMSELVES!
I understand that sex and prostitution are so stigmatized in this culture, is very difficult for most people to believe that anything besides money and orgasms is involved. Yet most who are sexually active have experienced a spiritual and/or transformative quality or dimension to sex at least once in their lives. For some this may be the province of "making love". Most people associate it with being in love or perhaps falling in love. So perhaps it is not difficult to believe that something special can happen during and because of sex. The argument is often made that money "cheapens" the sex act. Yet money has been an integral component of most marriages over the millennia. Only in the past few hundred years and in western culture particularly, have we made an attempt to separate money and marriage. Some would argue we have not been successful at that endeavor. In ancient Greece, prostitution was a sacred sexual rite practiced in the temples of worship. Sex was recognized as having the potential to transform the participants. Later, the Catholic Church ran several brothels to improve its finances. So if you study history, you will find that prostitution and spirituality have enjoyed a long association.
Modern concepts of therapy are a rather recent arrival to the cultural landscape. In fact, when it was first popularized, there was great resistance to the idea of "paying a stranger" to listen to one's problems. It was felt by most that these private matters should stay at home where they belonged. The individual was encouraged to seek counsel from an older and hopefully wiser relative. Unfortunately, we began to realize that many of our problems were originating and being perpetuated with family members. So it became useful and socially acceptable to seek professional counseling. We now have little resistance to the idea of paying a stranger to help us with our emotional and psychological problems. Similarly, prostitution can serve the sexual and psychosexual needs of individuals by "paying a stranger" to assist you. Since the profession is not currently considered a profession, the buyer must be especially aware of drastic differences in types and levels of service.
There is a growing population of sex workers who do study their profession and take it quite seriously. They bring a constellation of professional skills, education, experience and integrity to their practice that the more sophisticated clients are quite familiar with. These professional encounters can also incorporate a spiritual dimension, especially for those individuals that relate to ancient forms of worship more comfortably than modern church attendance. Again, making generalizations about prostitution and the sex industry is usually a mistake as it simply encompasses far too much diversity in venue, motivation on the part of the sex worker and the clients and the beliefs held by the participants.
Monet January 2002
Airen Wolf (host): "Such loaded questions and answers. When I was the cheated spouse I was angry and bitter at the women who offered themselves to my husband...now I was also angry at him and he shouldered the anger with dignity and heartfelt sorrow at my grief. It was a long time before I realized that I wasn't providing a safe place for him to express himself honestly and that I had taught him that I didn't value honesty.
Also I wouldn't want a restaurant to refuse me dessert because they feel I am too fat...so ya I can totally relate to how you felt.
Honestly, I have always felt that seeking the services of a professional wasn't cheating, it's expensive but at the same time it's a business transaction that provides some pleasure. I wish we could take the dehumanization out of prostitution and...I dunno...grow up?"
What was the worst experience you've ever had in your line of work? Escort & Consultant.
Did you escort through a specific agency? If so, how did you choose one to work with?
Do you have any friends who are escorts?
What is the biggest change you have noticed in the sex industry over the years?
Would you ever go back into the escort business at at level?
What do you think is the most important thing you have learned from being an escort?
Did you escort because it was something that made you happy or because you needed money?
Also how did you deal with men or women obsessing over you (possibly stalking you )? Did you have a body guard to protect you?
What is the biggest change you have noticed in the sex industry over the years?
To me, escorting counts as non-monogamy, though some people consider it a business decision. Has your husband had other lovers throughout your relationship history? Are you monogamous now?This was written while I was still married and working as an escort. I hope you find it not only answers your questions but perhaps raises some new ones:
The reason we formed an open relationship and subsequent marriage was because I am a sex worker. As a prostitute and escort, I have sex with strangers for money. My husband found it very difficult to deal with that fact and initially asked me to quit my profession. At first, I thought it was only fair, but then I watched a girlfriend marry and continue her profession as a prostitute. It started me thinking it was ridiculous to expect me to quit my job for marriage, even if my job was having sex with other men. I insisted on keeping my separate income and my identity as a sex worker. I would not sacrifice my independence for love or marriage.
So, my husband insisted that he needed some form of freedom in exchange for what he perceived as my excessive marital freedom. I didn't like his attitude. This attempt to "even" things out instead of an assertion of his authentic desires and needs, seemed retaliatory to me. Nevertheless, I agreed to his terms fully aware of the thin ice I was skating on in the current cultural context.
I did set some limits on who he could have sex with. And he set limits on my choices. He didn't want me to have orgasms with my clients and he didn't want me to have sex with men who were not clients. I could have sex with women, but he'd like to be informed before I began an affair with a woman. I didn't want him to have sex with anyone for free. I only consented to him having sex with women he paid to be with. I explained that I knew prostitutes would insist on a professional distance but a girl from his office might get emotionally involved and play head games that would cause me grief. Of course, if we decided to share a sexual experience with one or more other people, we would consult with each other and make sure we were both comfortable with the situation before proceeding.
Our last decade together has been more about sharing our fantasies and desires with each other than actually acting upon them. We don't lie about being attracted to other people and consequently there is a level of intimacy that I am convinced few married couples will ever experience. We laugh and joke about our sexual attractions to others. We admit to being jealous if we are, and almost as soon as the words leave our mouth, we cease to be jealous. There is something terribly powerful about honesty. It has the ability to heal our fears and catapult us into a joyous connection of shared thoughts and emotions.
That brutal honesty helped my husband to transcend his initial trepidations about my profession. Today if I ask him if he is jealous or threatened by the details of a story I am sharing, he says the fact that I tell him everything, dispels his fears. My deep level of honesty has left him feeling like my best friend and confidante. Consequently, what I do with others is less important and no matter how intelligent, wealthy, accomplished or gorgeous a client may be; no matter how wonderful a time I have shared with that client; my husband knows that it is he that I return to and share all my innermost thoughts and feelings with. He is the most important person in my life and I give him no reason to doubt this.
I was also somewhat shocked to find most men have a great deal of difficulty even describing what it is they expect or want to receive in exchange for their money. My profession requires familiarity with human psychology, sexual prowess and at least a modicum of intuition. When I first began working as a prostitute, I assumed my clients would be telling me what they wanted. A dozen years later, I know that I am getting paid to divine the client's needs and desires. Even if he does express interest in a particular activity, I must first determine if his statement conflicts with his demeanor, because what is said often has no association with what is thought and felt by the client. Secondly, if it seems that his stated desires have some level of accuracy, they are rarely a reflection of the fullness of desire. Lastly, the client is often driven by desires and impulses that are unknown to him, so I have to use my intuition to determine what is best for him. I must in all cases, figure out not only where the client wishes to go, but also where he can go and then have the experience and knowledge to take him there.
I practice a high level of honesty with my clients, although there are areas of my life that are certainly off limits to them. I do not reveal all the details of my personal life, but if they ask if I am married, I tell them the truth. Some of them have a lot of trouble with the fact that I am married, even if they are married too. I remember confronting one rather conservative client with this bit of hypocrisy. He insisted that his being married and lying to his wife in order to see me was entirely different than my being honest with my husband about working as a prostitute. I quite agree. Unfortunately, this self-deluded gentleman was convinced that his lifestyle of deception was entirely superior to my life of honesty. In his eyes, I had somehow degraded the institution of marriage while he was merely being a normal man.
I realize that my marriage is extremely unconventional, even in alternative circles where a variety of sexual orientations and partner configurations are encouraged. Prostitution is a very big taboo in almost all social settings. Even other sex workers can be offended by prostitution. They may strip for money or have sex with strangers on camera, but at least they are no whore. Having done the talk show circuit and lectured about prostitution before live audiences, I am familiar with the typical questions and concerns that arise regarding a married prostitute. I have been asked if I can tell the difference between sex with my clients and sex with my husband. Some have chided me for "endangering" my husband with the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Others have wondered "what kind of a man" would "let" me be a prostitute.
In the end, I feel my open marriage is far more monogamous than most exclusive marriages. At the very least, the level of intimacy, trust, honesty and love we share, would be impossible to surpass.
You didn't really expect me to answer those talk show questions, did you? OK, here goes. 1.) I have never confused sex with a client with sex with my husband. Sex with a client is more like sex with a casual boyfriend and sex with my husband is sex with my best friend and soulmate and the best sex partner I've ever had. 2.) Like all open relationships, my husband and I practice safe sex with other people to keep us healthy and protect each other. Too bad most people in committed relationships don't practice safe sex when they cheat, since they are trying to fool themselves they aren't even doing what they are doing. Consequently, they bring disease home to their unsuspecting partners. 3.) It takes a very courageous and confident person to engage in an open relationship. My husband is more man than all those jealous, controlling and possessive types will ever be. Plus no one "lets" me do anything! I am in charge of my life including my body. As a feminist, I will always have the final decision about the circumstances of my life, although as a marital partner, I am open to negotiation on most things.
Airen Wolf (host): "Heh I think marriage should be unconventional. it should mold and conform to the needs and desires of the participants, however many that might be!"
What advice can you offer to any single males looking to woo a lady?The best advice about this which I have ever heard came from my ex-husband while I was interviewing him about his success with women. Over the years, I have seen a number of men resent my ex-husband's ability to attract women. I asked him what he would tell those jealous males which could help them to achieve similar results.
His answer was breathtakingly simple - speak to women as if they are human.
When I asked him to enlarge upon that concept, he added that women want sex too but if you approach them as if you are trying to corner them or outsmart them or get one over on them, they will sense that and it will be a huge turn-off.
I can testify from first-hand experience that the first time we had sex, I did not feel in any way as if he thought he was better than me. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about most males when they set out to "woo a woman."
Today, self-professed pick-up artists with their own reality TV shows teach guys how to undermine women's self-esteem, isolate them from the support of their girlfriends and trick them into giving up both psychological and personal space.
Stay away from such parlor tricks and cultivate your ability to connect with women as fellow humans. Of course that requires letting down your defenses and sharing your feelings - even if those feelings are simply that you find her attractive and you would like to get to know her better.
If you have been shot down with the honest approach before, I would invite you to examine your confidence level. Women are attracted to a combination of vulnerability and confidence. If you truly possess those qualities, it will show through.
Airen Wolf (host): "When I read this answer to Sigel (my husband) he nodded and added that when you build up a woman's self esteem she comes back but if you tear her down she can't leave. Be honest and tell her how you feel, if she responds favorably then great! If she doesn't at least you've been honest."
For those that have been heartbroken in the past, do you have any advice on how to move on, to possibly make amends/resolve distaste to former relationships?When a relationship ends, we feel extremely vulnerable. That vulnerability can tempt us to judge our former partner. It's natural to want to do that and often times our ex really has done us wrong.
Let yourself feel the rage if that's what is coming up for you, but don't succumb to posting diatribes on Facebook or spamming your ex with hateful emails. Instead, allow yourself to get angry privately, find the tears behind the anger (you can almost always count on fear or sadness being primary emotions behind most anger) and begin the grieving process.
Yes, grieve. Grieve the violation of your trust and the loss of the hope you invested in this particular relationship. Grieve how small and naked you probably feel right now. And once you have cried yourself clean, begin looking for your part.
No matter how heinous your ex's behavior, you will always have a part in the failure of the relationship. It might simply be that you refused to see the signs that your partner was abusive or untrustworthy. But often it is much more involved than that.
If you discover your relationship patterns, you will have a better chance of entering your next relationship with improved success. I help both men and women discover their relationship patterns and often those patterns are apparent to me during our first phone call.
Of course, shifting the relationship patterns which are eliciting the same results over and over again takes more than one hour! But I am thrilled to report that many of my clients have shifted those patterns to great effect and are enjoying fulfilling relationships. Let me know if I can help you do the same.
Oh, and by the way, making amends for your part is ALWAYS an excellent move! Offer it without expectations and you will improve your prospects for letting go of the hurt and moving into a happier frame of mind almost immediately!
What do you feel is the most important thing in any relationship?Honesty.
It can seem to be a rare commodity nowadays. And perhaps the very use of the term "commodity" suggests part of the problem.
Too often our relationships do become vehicles for exchange of goods or services. We keep track of how much our partner has given or taken in comparison to us and if we feel like we are on the short end of that stick, we may become resentful.
Unfortunately, unexpressed resentments are a form of dishonesty because you are withholding your true feelings. Those little emotional barriers become insurmountable walls over time.
Sharing your true feelings from moment to moment, day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year builds a healthy habit of honesty which can carry your relationship through many decades of true friendship and ever increasing sexual passion.
But it is important to learn HOW to tell the truth. Too many couples share their version of the truth instead of their FEELINGS. In relationships, it is better to agree that only the feelings matter. Facts are malleable and mostly irrelevant.
Be honest about your feelings and worry about "solving" your problems later. Once you have shared your true feelings, the problems often have a way of seeming far less important anyway.
Airen Wolf (host): "OH MY GOODNESS is that the most important com-ponent in any relationship...even the one with yourself! Being honest and allowing people to be honest around you is the key to everything in my opinion."
What do you feel is the down side to having sexual items every where you look. Meaning on billboards, newspapers, TV, the web...everywhere you look.You know as a former sex worker, I don't see a lot of sex in the culture. Instead I see a ton of violence. Even the so-called "sexual" images seem to reach out and slap us across the face.
The most mundane day at work as an escort contained more love, more vulnerability, more caring, more connection and more kindness than what I see reflected in our media's attempt to impersonate sex.
Most of the messages are purposely designed to make all of us feel inferior and inadequate so we will spend our hard earned money on something we probably do not need or even want.
As a species, most of us are not fully embodied. That would require us to breathe deeply, to touch tenderly and to gaze into each other's eyes.
My prescription? Less porn (unless you and your partner want to make your own!), less television (especially all those uber-angry reality TV shows) and more cuddling!
Do you have any pets?Yes! I do! I absolutely adore animals. Currently, I share my home with a little boxer/terrier mix by the name of Amelie. She is a rescue and I call her my "empathy dog" because she senses when anyone is sad or sick and loves to kiss them if they are available for that or simply sit next to them quietly if they seem to prefer that. She not only possesses a ton of empathy; she is highly intuitive as well.
I have recently started working with my clients around their very first loving relationship, which believe it or not is usually a pet. In fact, I recently posted an article online about how crucial our childhood relationships with animals are in shaping our adult relationships with people:
Airen Wolf (host): "Thak you for sharing that article. I am glad now that I allowed my girls to have pets all their lives, and they are richer more empathetic people for it."
Do you advocate more of a 12-step approach for overcoming substance abuse, or a combined group and individual therapy program?
How long have you been sober?
Congratulations on that, by the way, I have heard how hard it is to overcome substance abuse addictions.
Other than overcoming substance abuse, have you had to overcome any other large obstacles in your life? (I mean this in relation to becoming a courtesan and couple's consultant.)I have enjoyed over 25 years of continuous sobriety. In that time I have not had a drug or a drink. I did smoke cigarettes my first year of sobriety and I do consider nicotine to be a tenacious and lethal drug but recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction allows for cigarette smoking - probably because it was so very commonplace at the time 12 step recovery was founded. I quit cigarettes over 24 years ago and at this time, the most egregious chemical I put into my body is the caffeine in an occasional cup of tea.
Many different types of 12 Step Recovery groups saved my life. It is a tradition in 12 step groups to maintain anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. I assume that includes the web so I won't specify which groups I have attended over the years, only that I have the utmost gratitude and respect for 12 step recovery in general.
That said, I had many other obstacles to overcome in addition to alcoholism and drug addiction, including rape, incest and domestic violence. Most of these were a factor in my childhood and adolescence and certainly contributed to my attraction for and use of mind-altering substances.
I participated in and benefited immensely from traditional therapy in early sobriety. I doubt I could have sustained my sobriety if not for one-on-one therapy and therapy groups. Only after four years of recovery and therapy for this long litany of insults to my ability to function and connect with myself and others, did I then enter the sex industry.
This seems like an extremely uncommon path to many people but I can tell you have I personally met many men and women on similar paths. It is the sexual shame of our culture which keeps this fact buried out of sight.
But the truth is that more than a few have found the sex industry to be an important aspect of their spiritual path, however revolutionary and preposterous that may sound to our modern ears.
Airen Wolf (host): "I give major credit to Alanon for helping me live through my Father's alcoholism and avoiding the pull of it myself. The 12 steps have also helped me to mend my broken marriage and move into a more mature and healthy lifestyle."
How do you approach your partner and ask them to get help for an anger management problem? I want to suggest help, but he gets so angry I'm afraid to ask him to get help. I'm bi-polar myself and I have gotten the help I needed for my moods, but he doesn't think he has a problem. How would I approach my partner about this without upsetting him?Always approach any potential conflict with your feelings - not an assertion of facts as you perceive them. Sentences which begin with the word "you" are doomed from the beginning. Most of us actually tighten up our muscles and change our breathing patterns when we hear that word - especially if it emanates from someone we have prior disagreements with.
If your partner has resorted to physical violence in the past, you may wish to have a good friend standing at your side for support. The friend should not add their commentary to the interaction. They can simply stand by silently to witness the interaction between you and your partner. Their presence can serve two purposes:
1. To help you feel supported and safe
2. To function as a deterrent to violence simply because they are another pair of eyes
Do not attempt some sort of intervention where you and your friend or another family member decide to unload on your partner and let him know all the ways he is scaring and intimidating you and others. Interventions, when they work, do so with the supervision of a professional.
Stay calm. You might try some version of the following:
"I am having some emotions I wish to share with you. May I share how I feel?"
If your partner nods or shrugs or grunts you can take that as a "yes." Given his state of mind that could be as good as it gets for now.
Then you might follow-up with something like this:
"I feel afraid and unsafe."
Your partner will probably scoff and retort with something like "What the hell do you have to be afraid of?"
Don't answer him. Just return to your statement of feeling.
"I am feeling afraid and unsafe. I don't want to talk about why I feel the way I do right this minute. I just really want you to hear how I feel."
If your partner is unable to respond to you with anything remotely resembling a caring gesture, you will have gathered some important information about him and about your relationship with him. An inability to connect with you compassionately even when you have been very careful to state your feelings without accusations or explanations or requests of any kind, would suggest this person is a long way from being interested in getting help.
If however, he does express even a modicum of empathy for your uncomfortable feelings, there could be hope for him to get help. Take your time though. Don't rush in with solutions and recommendations. Give him time to simply absorb how you feel. When you feel safe enough to explain why you feel afraid and unsafe, you might say this:
"When you raise your voice, I feel afraid and unsafe. I really want you to stop raising your voice to me. Would you be willing to stop raising your voice when we disagree?"
He might insist he never raises his voice. If so, don't argue with him about it. Just return to the fact that it "seems" like he is raising his voice to you and whether he is or not, you need him to do something different.
Again, if your partner could care less how you feel or what you need in order to feel safe, then he isn't actually a partner. Instead he is being a perpetrator and you have to decide how safe you really are and how much you are willing to put up with before you remove yourself from the situation.
We all want those we love to get help but that doesn't always happen. And sometimes it will only happen once they lose us. Rage, anger and violence operate similar to addictions and perpetrators usually have to hit "rock bottom" before they are willing to change.
Whatever you do, don't threaten to leave. I am sure he can count and threats are something pets, children and partners learn to count. The more times you threaten, the more meaningless and ineffectual it becomes.
If you are in a violent relationship, please get professional assistance immediately. Domestic violence shelters and the police are there to help. I had to call the police and file a restraining order myself many years ago. There is no shame in it.
Airen Wolf (host): "This advice is the best I have seen in a long time and I am here to say it works. When I told my husband I felt afraid and unsafe because of some of the things he had said it was like I had punched him! The LAST thing in the world he ever wanted was to be the source of my fear. The fact that words he had said made me doubt that he would defend and protect me with his life was the wakeup call he needed to get help for himself.
Sometimes it's the things we don't say that are the most powerful."
What is the most common advice you give to couples that you council?
Learn to Listen!
Seriously, most couples make two very big mistakes:
1. They assume they already know how their partner thinks and feels
2. They are too busy planning what they will say next to stop and listen to what their partner is saying
Slow down. Breathe. Relax. Remind yourself that you actually care about the person who is speaking to you. Practice active listening which involves plenty of eye contact and an honest effort to take in not only the perceptions expressed but the feelings behind those perceptions.
Remember to connect compassionately and the rest is actually pretty easy.
In my long-term relationship I have found that we don't need to solve our problems in order to enjoy each other's company. Sharing our feelings is much more important than being "right" or "winning" an argument.
When you look more closely at those two concepts, they don't even make sense. If you care about your partner, how could you ever "win" by making them "wrong?"
Airen Wolf (host): "Holy cow was that ever a bug-a-boo in our recovery and move into a more happy healthy marriage. He KNEW why I did everything and I KNEW what he was thinking. Neither of us could have bought a clue...we were so off base."
How do you feel about open relationships to exclusive relationships? Do you feel one is better than the other?Well there is much more variety available for relationships than the two options of "open" and "exclusive."
Open relationships usually involve sex with others but no ongoing love commitments. Exclusive relationships usually ascribe to monogamy and fidelity both sexually and emotionally.
On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can entail sex and/or relationships with others. Polyamory actually means "many loves" so by definition the focus in not on the sex but on the connection.
While I prefer polyamory because I feel less jealousy and possessiveness combined with more love and sharing might transform this mostly mean world into something more peaceful and pleasant; I also think our needs change over time and therefore our perfect relationship dynamic will necessarily change too.
For instance, I enjoyed being single in the 1980's and I loved being married in the 1990's. Today, polyamory is much more satisfying for me. But I would hate for someone to tell me I couldn't return to marriage at a later date.
The human lifespan is increasing and with that our need to remain open to discovering our best relationship style at any given time becomes more and more important. I recommend you read up on polyamory since that is an under-explored option and insist upon honoring what is best for you and the person or people you love at any given time.
Change is inevitable so learn to be flexible and you are sure to increase your happiness quotient.
Can you make a good sexual relationship a great one. How?
I've been married to my wife for almost 11 years. I think I'm like most guys that would love to experiment with new things in the bedroom and also think more sex would be great! My wife isn't quite as adventurous as I think I am. On top of that, we've been "trying" to get pregnant for almost 3 years. Do you have any tips that might help me to encourage my wife to be more open to experimentation?
im tryn to have the best sex life with my wife i like to try new things but she doesnt i like toys even wanted to try going to nudest resort shes not really interrested how can i get her more interested in her sexualty
I have been married for 20 years and we have several children. My question is I need to know how to spice up our love life? He is the only one that is getting pleasure while I'm left hanging; what I can do?
As a relationship/sex expert, do you find that couples today are more open to explore sex and that female partners are more willing to try the kinds of things that married clients would have asked you for when you worked as an escort?
What would you suggest to a person who has a sexual fetish that his/her partner had no interest in?
I understand that you are a great consultant for couples, and still have a terrific relationship with your ex husband, which I admire. I know couples have their unique problems, but I was wondering if you could answer a question for me or offer advice. . .
I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend that has lasted 3 years so far, and our biggest problem we always seem to fight about is the topic of sex. He claims that sex is all I seem to want, but it's not true.
I have a ridiculously high sex drive, whereas he seems to barely have one! He swears he is attracted to me and loves me "to death" and I feel the same for him, but how can we fix our problem?
I own a collection of sex toys, but they don't seem to help.
To me the act of sex is not only enjoyable, it's a form of bonding with the one you love. He doesn't see it that way.
Is there a way we can compromise? This issue is starting to drive a wedge between us, and I don't want to lose him. I'm trying to satisfy myself with the toys, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Like I said you can bond over dinner, but not the way I feel two people can bond when making love. . .
Any help is greatly appreciated!
I'm intrigued by the mentioned 'sexual techniques to [remain connected with your ex-husband]'. As a husband of 10 years, its sometimes difficult to convey to my wife, and for my wife to grasp, the importance of sexual fulfillment and its link, in men, to emotional fulfillment. Can you explain some of these techniques and how to broach them with one's significant other?Please put the focus on your connection - not the sex. In long-term relationships, sex comes AFTER you establish emotional connection.
One of the reasons "one-night-stands" can be so exciting is because we project all our desires and fantasies on our partner of the moment. For the most part, their choices and behaviors cannot adversely impact our lives. So we can accept even major differences as all part of the allure.
But our partners have both thrilled us and disappointed us - frustrated our deepest desires and given us reason to hope that life could be exactly how we hoped it would be.
So much of us is invested in this connection and it doesn't take much to feel crushed and devastated. We forget that and try to pretend those little slights don't hurt. They do.
If he or she doesn't want to have sex as often as you do - if she doesn't want to use a power tool or experiment in the bedroom - if your sex life needs to be "spiced up" - if he or she doesn't enjoy your particular fetish - if one or both of you have become focused on sexual "techniques" instead of shared passion, maybe you need to return to the basics.
Ask yourself and your partner:
1. Do we feel comfortable discussing our sexual preferences with each other?
2. When was the last time our sex was truly hot?
3. What else happened in our life around the time we started experiencing some sort of disconnect sexually?
4. How do I feel about the fact that my partner and I don't want the same things sexually?
5. What DO we both enjoy sexually?
6. Would we feel comfortable giving each other permission to pursue certain sexual interests outside of the relationship?
7. And finally, and most importantly, could a power struggle be ruining our sex life?
If you find that the issues run much deeper and are much more pervasive than your sex life - which by the way they usually are - then it is time to seek professional help. Yes, you will have to dig a little deeper than simply plugging in a new toy or sharing a new porno but the long-term prognosis for your relationship and your sex life will much better!
My work with couples involves a blending of fun sexual homework combined with hard emotional work. It requires you to show up as a whole person - not just a set of genitals - and the results can be astounding!
How can I get my wife to be more open about using sex toys on me? I really enjoy anal pleasure, but she seems reluctant to use a strap-on on me.In long-term relationships, sex comes AFTER you establish emotional safety and connection.
If she doesn't enjoy your interest in anal, please honor that and stop trying to "get" her to do anything.
It would be more constructive to focus on the sex you DO enjoy sharing and explore whether the two of you might feel comfortable giving each other permission to pursue certain sexual interests outside of the relationship.
Also please know that most sexual disconnects in long-term relationships are actually power struggles.
If you feel that may be at play, I can help!
Airen Wolf (host): "The questions that make me most uncomfortable are the ones where people are searching for ways to 'convince' a parter of something...it smacks of control issues and boundaries as well as power struggles.
When my partners tell me they don't wish to try something I honor that but we have made a pact that we will discuss why we don't wish to try something later when feelings aren't so charged. I also never assume I know how they are really feeling through their actions...I ask them calmly and politely afterwards. Then I take them at face value!"
We've been married for almost 28 years. We've had some nice highs and some extreme lows. Currently I want to try to not only get us back to a loving, sexual, connected relationship, but get us even closer than we have ever been. The wife however is fine with status quo. I feel taken for granted and unloved. Without asking you to give us a complete analysis, can you point to one or two things we can do to start the rekindling?First, I want to say I am sorry you are feeling "taken for granted and unloved." I have had similar experiences and it feels awful!
It's true, I don't know enough about your situation to give you the specific feedback you deserve. Please consider a telephone appointment where I can do an intake and delve deeper into the reasons your relationship has hit this roadblock.
In this forum I will simply say that most relationships suffer from power struggles. It can be about money, children, in-laws, sex . . . regardless of the topic many couples are trying to assert their dominance over each other - or at least avoid the feeling of being controlled.
Strange as it sounds, even the desire to be closer and enjoy a better sex life can feel like dominance to your partner. Like as not, she is nursing some old wounds she may not even remember. Whatever it was and whenever it occurred, being withdrawn and shut down probably feels safer to her now.
It can be difficult to break free of these entrenched and largely sub-conscious patterns. If you continue to bring energy which communicates what is lacking for you, your partner will probably continue to resist your efforts to improve your connection.
Instead, try focusing on what your partner wants and needs. If that ends up being more distance and space from you, give it to her.
Then take all your desires to connect and be loved and direct them toward yourself. What do I mean by that? I am suggesting that you learn better ways to love yourself. Ask yourself how you can develop a more intimate connection to yourself? Are there ways you can better nurture and please you? What would give your life more meaning?
I realize this will probably evoke even more fear of losing what little connection currently exists between you and your wife. But all positive change involves risk and you can't really lose if in the end you have improved your self-esteem and feelings of worth. Additionally, if someone is going to find us attractive and desirable, it will most likely occur when we are happy and fulfilled.
How did you rekindle and maintain a loving relationship with your ex-husband after your divorce?
What role did divorce play in the relationship between you and your ex-husband?
After 30 years with the same man, with all you (both!) have been through, what are some lessons and wisdom you can impart from them surrounding the bedroom and effectively separate lives?
If so would you ever consider re-marrying your former husband?
What role did divorce play in the relationship between you and your ex-husband? What about your step children?My ex and I shared an extremely amicable divorce. We were cuddling and kissing in the judge's chambers in fact. The judge looked at us and quipped, "I guess this is an uncontested divorce?"
After our divorce papers were stamped and filed, we took a long walk on the beach and shared honestly about the best sex we had had in several years. For both of us, it was not with each other. Our connection had been deteriorating for a variety of reasons so the sexual passion between us had died too.
As we both related details about the hottest sex we had enjoyed recently, we both felt a great deal of joy for the other one. We hugged each other tightly and said "I am so happy for you!"
Polyamorists call this "compersion," "a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest."
Maintaining an impeccable level of honesty and remaining compassionate toward each other has enabled us to move in and out of a sexually satisfying connection. For a time right after our divorce, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Sharing how unhappy we had been in our marriage seemed to fire our libidos.
We have been divorced for seven years now and our sexual connection varies. It is always there in one form or another. Not making that the focus of our love but simply a pleasant side effect has freed us to be authentic in the moment. Our connection is first and foremost about the love. If sex happens that is great too. But we would never consider ending our relationship because we stopped having sex. We can have sex with other people if that is important. We cannot go out and get another 30 years with a best friend and soul mate.
If you truly want a love that will survive the years, I believe you have to remain flexible. Change is inevitable. How you deal with that change is a choice. Choose to be loving and compassionate and connected without expectations and you will be much happier for it.
Sometimes our partner(s) want what we want and other times they do not. If we don't expect our partner(s) to supply all our needs, if we know there are other options available to both of us, then we can appreciate what we do share with our partner(s). In some ways this is very much the "glass half full" principle, and in other ways it is all about letting go.
Would I ever consider marrying my ex again? Who knows! We have already been engaged and married twice in the last three decades, so anything is possible.
Airen Wolf (host): "Used to be that the word divorce was the one word that would send Sigel and I into a major tailspin. It was a truly astonishing revelation to us that even without any piece of paper we would still be together. We stay together right now because his job has better health insurance for our daughters and son. Should the equation change or should we no longer need sponsored insurance I doubt we will continue our legal marriage, we will still be together. I can understand and respect a loving split and it's amazing that you guys have found what works for you!
Ain't compersion the best??"
Do you have a favorite book or writer?Yes, of course! MY book! Here is a recent letter from a very happy reader in Germany:
My boyfriend Jan and I had the most wonderful Valentine's weekend ever - thanks to you.
I had the pleasure of translating your book several years ago. Little did I know that it would change my life. When I gave it to Jan (whom I met 2 years ago), it became a real eye-opener for him (as it was for me) and now we have the best sex ever: adventurous, playful, shame-free, spiritual. It is simply fantastic! In all our former relationships, we never experienced such a rich, sensual, awe-inspiring sexuality. I dare say that it's a miracle.
Your book truly has been a boost to our love life and I just love it when my wonderful lover Jan reads aloud from it. I thought you might like to hear that your book still has an enormous impact. Thank you ever so much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
Best regards from Germany,
PS: I like your newsletter very much - so many helpful insights. You are absolutely right: Life really is meant to be a win-win-proposition.
Keep up the good work.
Follow this link to order my book:
Follow this link to subscribe to my monthly newsletter about shame, sex and love:
In all your years as a couples consultant, how involved do your sessions get and have you ever been surprised by any of the issues that couples bring to you?
Please tell us more about your technique and success with couples reviving their relationships and romance by role playing, conflict resolution and activating the heart connection? How is it done, and how do you/they activate the heart connection?
How is it going with developing your Couples Clinic for tours is the USA? How far have you come along with it? How soon will you be touring?
If so, How did you help them overcome this anger?
Do you find yourself overwhelmed sometimes by the couples/individuals you counsel?
Do you see therapy as an ongoing personal growth process that never ends, or do you believe many people reach a "cure" for whatever they come in for, or "complete" their work?
As an anger management specialist, is there a case which stands out in your mind as being "over the edge"?The first time a couple entered my office, I found myself feeling a bit fearful. She had an affair and he felt justified in his judgments of her. He was standing up and yelling. She was sinking further and further into her chair. I hoped I would have the skill sets to diffuse this volatile situation and fortunately, I did.
When someone is angry I do not argue with them nor do I attempt to talk them out of their anger. But I also insist that they behave within certain ground rules. I will not tolerate name calling or threats. If that is where someone is at, they need to take a time out or leave because nothing good will come of it.
If infidelity is the issue, I now ask couples to meet with me separately until we can get enough of the fear and rage processed that a meeting with both partners makes sense. I do my best to construct our meetings with an eye toward optimum success. Most couples already know how to fail. What they need is at least a small win to give them hope and encouragement to continue working on their issues.
I am not a therapist. I have a great deal of respect for therapy having participated in it for many years as a client. However, I work as a coach and a specialist in both sex and anger. I think therapy is losing its appeal for many people because it can often go on for years with little noticeable change. We certainly feel better talking about our "stuff" but it's a pretty expensive way to talk about your problems.
Coaching is more short-term and far more targeted. You come in for a very specific set of issues and receive help to create the results you are looking for. That might be more sex, better orgasms, less arguing, more emotional safety at home, laughing together again, feeling passionate and romantic toward each other after decades of marriage, reclaiming your sexuality after a disease or disability, learning to listen, managing your anger . . . whatever your objective, coaching can be better suited to getting results more quickly.
The role playing I incorporate into my work with couples is very powerful. First I find out what the recurring arguments/disagreements are about. Every couple has topics which seem to come up over and over again with little resolution. When I ask some couples what they argued about in the last few days, one partner will usually tell me "nothing" and the other partner will rather sheepishly say "well, there was that one thing - remember?"
This is a typical interaction with a couple from my audience. Obviously, if the couple has made an appointment with me and they are now sitting in my office, they both know why they are there! What I find intriguing is that even couples who are sure they don't have any problems, will end up telling me about something which is so emotional for them that they often begin to cry.
I recently returned from a tour which included Davis, California; Corvallis, Oregon and Portland, Oregon. The couples I pulled from my audiences in all three venues insisted they had no disagreements and five to ten minutes later one or both of them were sobbing their hearts out.
This tells me that we all carry a mountain of hurt which we mostly feel safer denying. That might seem like a harmless or even intelligent way to protect ourselves and avoid conflict. But over time it truly reduces our capacity for joy and sexual pleasure.
Many couples have firmly established communication habits. It might involve passive-aggressive attacks, withholding any response at all, ignoring each other, yelling and then retreating, pointing an accusing finger, failing to hear their partner because they are too busy concocting their retort or defense, etc.
I interrupt those patterns, first by role playing with each partner myself and then by teaching the couple to role play with each other. Seeing your partner express thoughts and feelings you have never heard them express before can be an exceptionally moving experience. You might feel any combination of relief, endearment, anger or sadness. Getting the chance to be truly heard and have your feelings validated is hugely empowering too!
The biggest "aha moment" I see with couple's I work with is that moment they realize their partner has a lot more vulnerable feelings than they thought they had. Couples can get locked into a bid for dominance and they can stay angry to avoid feeling weak or vulnerable.
I create the emotional safety for them to go deeper, get honest and reveal their deepest fears. When they are able to see each other as humans who are both afraid and like as not doing the best they can, the compassion begins to find a home in their hearts.
What is intriguing about this process is that the actual conflicts are not immediately solved - in fact they may never be solved. But by learning to listen with their hearts and speak about their feelings instead of "facts," couples begin to remember why they first fell in love or found each other attractive and those feelings begin to return.
I derive a deep sense of fulfillment working with couples. Nothing makes me happier than helping two people move from a place of mutual alienation and profound sadness into a space defined by joy, romance, passion and love. Teaching the very specific tools for communicating, problem solving and connecting which I provide is what it is all about!
If you want to be informed of my next Couples' Clinics, be sure to sign up for my newsletter, The Wealthy Woodpecker:
Or better yet, arrange for your personal appointment at my Nevada City, California office or during my next tour to your part of the world!
Can you share with us your very favorite sex secret from your publication Sex Secrets of Escorts-Tips from a Pro?Here you go!
From Chapter 7 of Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts: Sexy Is As Sexy Does
Before I became an escort, I had an attitude about my body and myself that was pretty typical of women. I always felt like I needed to lose more weight no matter how thin I was. I always felt inferior to the women on TV and in the magazines. I was painfully aware of those parts of my body that I wanted to change.
Sometimes I became so distracted by what I imagined I looked like that I couldn’t even enjoy sex. I might obsess over the size and shape of my thighs or what my face would look like if I dared to grimace during a moment of sexual pleasure. I would worry about sweating too much or being in positions that were less than flattering. And I certainly did not want to appear to enjoy sex “too much” lest my male partner conclude that I was some kind of slut. Since I was busy critiquing and censoring myself sex was not something I enjoyed all that much.
The first time I saw myself having sex on film many of my previous fears faded. I realized that many of the things I imagined grotesque about myself simply did not exist. You may not be ready to make a home movie (however if you do want a starring role in your own movie, be sure to read Chapter 26!), but there are steps you can take to learn to appreciate yourself as a sexy woman.
Today our culture is completely obsessed with the exterior. We focus on how the outside body looks to the exclusion of some factors which use to be considered more sexually arousing. For instance, if Marilyn Monroe were alive today, she would be mercilessly picked apart by the press for being “chunky” and then we fans would be denied the exquisite intoxication of her sexy voice, mannerisms and walk. Similarly a beauty like Lauren Bacall whose sultry voice and sexy stroll made many of us weak in the knees, might be dismissed as too skinny and flat-chested before she could ever rise to fame.
So many of today’s so-called sex symbols leave me feeling little that could be mistaken for sexual arousal. A firm round bottom and rock hard abs are not sexy all by themselves. Sexy is as sexy does. (I will reveal more about the art of being sexy in Chapter 14.) And many “perfect” beauties simply do not possess sex appeal. We know this intuitively and usually experience it with great confusion. How can that person look so good but be so unappealing? It happens because sex appeal is far more complex than the right diet or exercise regimen or even the “perfect” genetic code.
Maybe you have noticed the opposite as well - a person who seems to be a little gawky or unremarkable in appearance but nevertheless possesses a magnetism that defies logic. You might have spent some time trying to figure out what it is about them that makes them so attractive. If you are like me, you probably could never put it to words. They simply are sexy.
I believe that almost all people look very sexy when they are in the throes of authentic sensual delight. It cannot be faked or put on for an audience. Those performances can be humorous but rarely sexy. However, if an individual comes from their core and expresses their innermost joy and desire devoid of any self-consciousness, then true beauty is the result.
Most women tend to have a negative and rather distorted view of what they look like naked. Many women don’t like what they see when they stand naked in front of a mirror. Some women are so embarrassed they won’t even let their husbands or boyfriends see them naked with the lights on. Because most of us have been programmed to feel inadequate by media messages, you have to take a proactive approach to get past that negativity and learn to feel sexy!
While I was learning to get past my own low self-esteem, I used props to bolster my confidence. Lingerie and high heels are designed to enhance a woman’s best assets. You never see competitors for the Miss America crown parade barefoot during the swimsuit competition. Instead they wear high heels because high heeled shoes tilt the legs and butt into a more flattering configuration. Likewise, push-up bras accentuate the bust-line and g-strings make any figure look better.
Once I began to believe that I was sexy, things like lingerie and footwear mattered less. I started to simply be sexy no matter what I was wearing (or not wearing). I had learned to carry myself with confidence and my clients believed me to be sexy too. Confidence, body confidence in particular, cannot be underestimated. If I have to pick one thing that communicates sexiness more than anything else, it is confidence.
From confidence you get permission to be shameless. If you feel ashamed of how you look or of being naked or of being sexual, that shame will be communicated in everything you do. Shame is the opposite of sexy. Unfortunately, we women receive a lot of messages that encourage us to feel shame about our sexuality as well as our bodies. Not only does that shame make us feel self-conscious about our appearance, it reduces our capacity to enjoy sex.
Sex requires us to let go, stop thinking, start feeling and get swept away by our passions. Believe it or not, meditation can actually help. In meditation you learn to turn off your thoughts and simply be. This can be facilitated with breathing exercises. It just so happens that being able to turn off your thoughts and breathe freely are also very important ingredients to great sex. So if you are having trouble letting go and enjoying sex you might consider a meditation class as one way to enhance your sex life.
Sometimes you can break free from old patterns of self-consciousness and shame by employing humor. We don’t usually associate being funny with being sexy but I have found a playful approach to sex can go a long way to creating an improved sex life. I used jokes and playfulness on a regular basis to help my clients get past their own low self-esteem and self-consciousness so they could enjoy sex. Too many men suffer from performance anxiety and therefore take sex all too seriously. I envisioned one of my roles as someone who wanted to heal and help men’s sexual expression and a very vital part of that role incorporated humor.
But humor also helped me to let go of my inhibitions during sex. Some appropriate moments to employ humor include any unintended results such as fumbling while disrobing or having a condom fly out of your hands. I even used humor when a man lost his erection. This was actually a very effective way to bring the erection back! Simply saying something silly like “is he feeling shy today” while pointing at his limp penis, was often all that was required to allow the body’s natural sexual response to take over. The man might laugh or smirk but the end result was that he stopped thinking about his erection and relaxed long enough to allow his penis to function.
Too many times both men and women get so preoccupied with their self-consciousness thoughts that their genitals don’t get a chance to operate normally. So if you feel tense or stressed or you sense uncomfortable feelings on the part of your partner, find a reason to laugh. Give yourself and your partner permission to approach sex with a sense of humor. It really is a very freeing feeling. And it is often the best cure for less than optimum sexual response in both men and women.
Where do you get your inspiration? What inspires you to do the work that you do?I am motivated to make this world a better place. Most of my inspiration comes from the people who ask me for help. They let me know what problems they face and I make it my business to explore and refine solutions to their problems. I also rely upon prayer and meditation, including a masturbation meditation which I teach my clients.
If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?I don't deal in regrets. Life is supposed to include mistakes. That is how we can learn and grow and change for the better. But when I look back on some of the poor parenting choices I have made, I feel sad. You never get a chance to do someone's childhood over again. It's a one time shot at success or failure and although I did the best I could, I so wish I had anger management tools at my disposal then. I would have remained more calm and accepting. I would have modeled less aggressive ways to obtain the results you want in life. I could have taught my children how to listen and connect with their hearts more than I did.
I went through a phase in my life when I was sexually reckless.(I am Bipolar.) I am afraid to enter a new relationship because I am curious about being with women, I have not done it, and would like to have the experience. Should I explore this before getting involved with another man?I can't imagine why you wouldn't be able to do both. Be honest of course. But most men will be open to this bi-curious experimentation on your part. Who knows, you may even wish to invite him to join you.
My partner and I live about an hour from each other and have only been together for a few short months. He and I are planning on living together once I resume my full time job that I acquired in the town where he lives after I graduate this coming May. How soon do you think is "too soon" for a couple to begin living together and acting as one unit?There isn't a magic number of months or years which will create success for your relationship. Instead, ask the hard questions:
7. and oh yes, Money.
Money is the number one reason relationships have problems or fail, so have SEVERAL serious conversations about your spending and saving styles. Agree on how the money will be divided up. Are you going to share an ATM card? What about a cell phone plan? What happens to the money and possessions if you two break up? Whatever you agree to, I recommend you write it down!
My partner absolutely loves when I go down on him, but I have horrible problems with my jaw getting sore after a while and I don't suffer from TMJ. Do you have any suggestions on how to better prepare my mouth for extended use during oral or is this something that I'm just going to have to learn to deal with?Learn to say no.
If it hurts - don't do it!
As a former escort, it never ceases to amaze me how many women will inconvenience themselves and even torture themselves (and not in a good way mind you!) in order to please a man.
There is a long list of things I refused to do for money. Why should you do more for free?
I forgot to add that I am bi-polar and have Borderline Personality Disorder, which probably adds to my needing to feel bonded through any way, especially sex.Would love to help you with some codependency and self-esteem exercises. Have you investigated either? Are you currently on meds? Should you be? Do you have ways you can self-nurture?
EF's online magazine is called SEXIS so my question is: Sex is...?Sex is Your CORE!
Your first orgasm comes before your first breath of air or sip of mother's milk. It is THAT central to your life.
Have you read the book "Sex at Dawn"? Do you think monogamy is unnatural for humans?I interviewed the author of Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan, on my podcast, The Shame Free Zone, which you can download from iTunes:
I think his research makes some valid points but I still believe abstinence, monogamy, polyamory, promiscuity, prostitution and asexuality should all be celebrated as equally valid choices.
During the course of a lifetime, you may find each in turn satisfies your needs less so or more so depending upon your stage of life.
In the FAQ of your website FAQ you refer to your work as "In The Tradition Of The Ancient Sacred Prostitutes", what do you think our culture is missing by dividing spirituality and sexuality?The ancients knew sex was a doorway to the divine. Today we tend to view our sexual organs like machines - we simply want to know how to turn them on with as little trouble as possible - get the orgasm we came for - and then get on with our busy lives.
We are missing so much of the mystery and beauty of life. Sex is how we got here. Sex starts in the womb with masturbation. Orgasms are a normal, natural part of breast-feeding. Orgasms can even make the birth process more pleasant for both mother and baby.
There is this richness of emotion and pleasure which we have lost on our way to becoming mechanized and technologically advanced. We desperately need to return to the wisdom of the body and that most decidedly includes our sexuality.
Today, we have relegated sex to a corner of our world. We pretend our sexuality isn't connected to everything else - especially our spirituality. But I think our spirituality and our sexuality are intrinsically linked to each other. It is our attempts to deny that connection which create so much misery including hypocritical religious zealots and pitiful sex addicts.
We need to re-discover our balance and redefine what it means to be both spiritually awakened and sexually alive. Refusing to agree to this unnatural separation of sex and spirit is a good place to begin.
What advice would you give a young couple who are struggling to understand what being "in love" means?
Recently, my boyfriend told me he was not sure if he was in love with me, but that he loves me very much (cares deeply for me, would be devastated if I left him, loves being with me, couldn't imagine the past 7mos without me). He sounds very confused about what this means, whereas I personally know that I love him... but haven't thought about "IN love," or if there is a difference.Sounds like you both have different definitions and perhaps sensations surrounding love.
One is not better or more correct than the other. You are just different which is what makes the world go around.
You may find your feelings fluctuate over time so be sure to honor each other's feelings and perceptions in the moment.
During the course of my marriage, my husband and I fell in and out of love a few times. We engaged in honest communication and validated each other's feelings no matter what. In time, the feelings of being in love returned stronger than ever.
If being in love is a feeling you don't identify with, that's ok too. Some people don't really experience that sensation and still enjoy very fulfilling and meaningful relationships.
Or it could be that you are slow to fall in love. It might be a few years from now before you experience a sensation which you would label as "being in love." Either way, show respect for your own unique experience of love and relationships because there is simply no one right way to feel.
I'm looking into going through a hand fastening ceremony with my fiancée/girlfriend, and/or civil union. We've been together officially for 3 years now and known one another for 5 we are also best friends. As a person who is knowledgeable on relationships do you have any advice in particular for a female couple whom want to or are planning to get married/civil Union/binded? A.k.a What to expect what to discuses before the big day.
We both believe that marriage is just a piece of paper, but the thought is nice. Would it be worth it?OK, so if marriage is just a piece of paper - why bother?
Many couples say "it's just a piece of paper" to camouflage the fear they feel about marriage or commitment ceremonies. It is tantamount to whistling in the dark!
Marriage may be a piece of paper but it is also a very potent ceremony which has had the power to not only change lives but the entire course of history! Marriage was first invented to exchange power and possessions so be sure to examine those two key components of your relationship.
Do either of you harbor any secret expectations about division of labor? Sharing of money? Being cared for or protected by your partner?
Have you talked about children? If not, might either one of you want children in the future?
Are holidays important? Whose family will you share which holidays with?
Do you intend to write up a will? What will you include in it?
What happens if one of you gets sick or disabled? Do you believe in retirement?
Would you rather save your money in a bank? Invest in a house? Or spend it on world travel?
And what is your comfort level with debt? Do either one of you have major credit card debt today?
As you can see, the questions to consider don't really vary according to the gender of the people intending to marry. It mostly comes down to money, children and religion; and too few couples have the courage to discuss those unwieldy topics before they say "I do."
Be the exception!
Are you a fan of Bill Maher? What was it like to be on Politically Incorrect?I am a huge fan of Bill Maher's although I do not appreciate his mostly antagonistic attitude toward women. In that department, I think Bill could use a little consciousness raising. But I truly admire his willingness to speak his truth and defy both religious leaders and government leaders in the process. The guy has been censored and had his shows cancelled but he never gives up. He is a true friend of our freedoms, especially the freedom to live without religious tyranny and our freedom of speech.
I loved being a guest on his show, Politically Incorrect. I appeared with Howie Mandel, John Schneider and Charo. Michael Buffer introduced our episode with his baritone "Let's get ready to rumble!" The show was filmed in Las Vegas and the topic was, not surprisingly, decriminalization/legalization of prostitution.
Right after we all took our seats, Howie Mandel turned to me and asked "So, are you a hooker?" I replied "Why yes, Howie, but I prefer to be called a whore," to which Howie retorted "Well, I will just call you a slut!" The audience was practically in tears at this point and the remainder of the show was mostly humorous and fun except for a couple of moments when John Schneider took this role of defending the religious right too seriously and pretty much slammed all women for the positions they assume during sex.
My only regret is introducing Bill to the word "whore." Before I was a guest on his show he never used that word and now he seems to think it is OK to say it whenever he feels like it. In reality, that is an injurious word that a sex worker may choose to reclaim but it can create great harm when people who don't identify as whores are directing that label toward a marginalized and persecuted population such as prostitutes.
My girlfriend and I are currently seperated by a hundred miles. We call each other regularly to keep the relationship alive, and sometimes we might even get a little naughty on the phone. Are there any good tips or suggestions that you might you have that can spice things up even more between me and her when we're in the "mood" again?Well, duh! Sexting.
Do you have a favorite sex toy? If so, which one!It used to be a Rabbit Pearl. Now I prefer a Hitachi wand in combination with a waterproof g-spot vibrator!
What is one of the best pieces of advice you've been given, and by whom?There are so many answers I could give to this Victoria, but the first one which comes to mind is a popular saying in 12 step recovery:
One Day at a Time
Whenever I get overwhelmed by life, I remind myself to stay in the present moment and trust that things will indeed change before long. They might get better or they might get worse, but they will certainly change.
Worrying about the future or ruminating over the past will do me no good. Might as well live in today and practice a little letting go.
What's your number one tip to a long and successful relationship?
Do you have regrets about your previous career?
How do you balance everything on your plate? Amazing!
Stay focused on the Feelings! In an intimate relationship, there are NO facts, only feelings and the sooner one realizes that, the happier both people in the relationship will be!
I do NOT have regrets about my previous career. It was an exciting adventure which helped to shape me and teach me so much. Much of the confidence and insights I have today, were acquired while I was working as an escort.
Balance doesn't come easy for me. In fact, I am still working to find mine! I will let you know when I get it down.
Hi, Veronica...what life experiences you've already endured/enjoyed! WOW
I have to ask, was your relationship with your Ex-Husband always so 'loving' -- if not, what you do think was the turning point for the pair of you?
And what's next for you, career wise? Any plans in the works?
Look forward to hearing your answers, I can see some really interesting ones on the board alreadyBefore we married and while we were both still doing drugs in the 1980's, we were violent with each other. We have both experienced domestic violence from the perspective of a survivor and a perpetrator.
Fortunately, we sought help for our violence and this is where I first began to learn the anger management techniques I teach couples who are NOT hitting each other.
Today, our concept of violence includes slamming doors and yelling. We do not engage in nor tolerate those behaviors. We are practiced at taking "time outs" and our relationship is very firmly planted on non-violent soil.
The safety we have been able to create for each other is astounding and sometimes we just smile at each other when we think about how far we have come!
I am currently working on book number two which will share my history and recovery from domestic violence, incest, rape and addiction. I think sharing those things which evoke shame sets us all free!