Afraid But Willing....Dealing With The Emotional Fall-Out

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Afraid But Willing....Dealing With The Emotional Fall-Out

celibacysucks celibacysucks
My new (and hopefully) regular partner is a FANTASTIC lover who figured out quickly (within the first few minutes of the first time we had sex) that I am a sexual submissive. I am beyond elated. No one I have ever been with has been able to figure it out, or if they knew, they refused to do anything with it other than light spanking.

Once he discovered me he began to test me and push my boundaries. Biting, hair-pulling...

...and then choking.

He didn't really choke me. He put his hand around my neck. The first time he did it I immediately reacted, stopped everything, and clawed his hand away from my neck.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, one thing I can not handle very well is being restrained. Having something around my neck is a quick way to induce a complete panic attack.

He was very gentle and very kind. "Sweetie, sweetie, I'm not going to hurt you," he promised. He told me to let him do it. I examined my feelings and discovered that while I was afraid, I was not panicked...and the desire to please him was greater than my fear.

Several times we stopped and started. He insisted that I not only allow him to do it, but that I ask him to...beg him.

And I did...because I wanted to give him what he wanted, not because I was enjoying it.

The thing is...I think I COULD. It was our first time having sex and I am petrified that he is going to be "one and done" guy. He doesn't SEEM like that type, but I have been treated so abominably by my past partners that I no longer have the capacity to trust my own judgement.

But....if I trusted him, if I felt comfortable and valued...I think I could REALLY get into giving over control like that.

He bit me so hard on my shoulders that he left deep bruises. I love my bruises. I love that they still hurt to touch two days later. I love the evidence of his mouth on my body, and the pain, and everything with it.

....and the fact that I love these things makes me feel like a FREAK. I want to ask him to do it again, but I am afraid he will think me weird too.

I am afraid that by submitting so completely to his will he will lose respect for me.

I have issues, right?
01/08/2011
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Total posts: 1
Unique posters: 1