Experienced vs. Neophyte

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Experienced vs. Neophyte

MasterJeff MasterJeff
I'm pretty experienced with BDSM, as my first lover was into in and I've never been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't into it.....until now. I'm dominant, and I thought over time my wife would get into it. She's naturally submissive (in bed) and so I thought she would learn over time. However, we still seem still rooted in square one. She says she doesn't feel like I'm teaching her anything, but I feel like I am and she just doesn't have the ability to take that information, retain it, and apply it to new activities. We've been married nearly 5 years and I'm really starting to get frustrated. We have a great marriage otherwise, but I think this is threatening it. I would appreciate any suggestions from either doms or subs on teaching or learning techniques.
11/01/2013
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emilymileena emilymileena
I assume you've had actual conversations about whether or not she's REALLY into it, or whether she's tying it to please you. Some of those things you really just can't force.

Then if she is really into it, she's MIGHT have reservations. Maybe she's scared of being judged, maybe she's not sure what she wants. Etc etc, all the emotions. Getting to the root of that seems like an important convo to have, which will mean serious think time for her.

Another thing is, is she's not really into it and doing it to please you, is polyamory on the table? Are you or she able to get those needs met elsewhere? Why/why not?

If she is really into it, what are her fantasies? What are the CORE things she wants to learn?

I'm primarily a submissive in my serious relationships, but I toy with switching amongst friends. In my expereince, if you're going to submit, you have to want it. Even if you're gonna be a brat and fight it, the core of you really has to want to do it to be sucessful.


What type of sub might she be? Service, rope bunny, masochist, pain slut? What makes her feel subby? We have a "trigger word" for when I'm feeling particularly subby and need that side of me fulfilled. Beyond simply having a safe word. If she is really into it, what are her fantasies? What are the CORE things she wants to learn?

I find that BDSM boils down to two main things: a desire to do so, and open/active communication with yourself and your partner(s). Feel free to PM me if you want. I may not have the best advice, but you're welcome to my thoughts.
11/01/2013
Miss L Miss L
Quote:
Originally posted by MasterJeff
I'm pretty experienced with BDSM, as my first lover was into in and I've never been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't into it.....until now. I'm dominant, and I thought over time my wife would get into it. She's naturally ...
" She's naturally submissive (in bed) and so I thought she would learn over time." -- silly assumption to make. I know some great subs who like to be the dominant one in the bedroom, as BDSM isn't always about sex.


" but I feel like I am and she just doesn't have the ability to take that information, retain it, and apply it to new activities." --- Well, what are you doing to 'teach' her? It's hard to help without knowing how you're going about things.
12/26/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
I think the others have made some great suggestions. I do have a few thoughts. If she is not learning, then you must change your approach. Just because your past partners learned one way, that does not mean your wife learns the same way. Some people need the reasons behind the experience to really get it. Some people need to actually do something a few times before it clicks. Look at how she learns other new things, and then apply the same principals.

Another thought is that to be successful, a sub needs to completely trust his/her dom in the area that he/she is being submissive in. Perhaps the "new activities" she is having trouble applying what she learned are areas that she needs to develop trust/comfort level in. It may be that she needs to learn trust in the new activity, before she can commit to participating fully.
12/28/2013
Total posts: 4
Unique posters: 4