How do I bring it up "gently"?

megganmarie megganmarie
So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. I've been seeing a new guy for about a month, and I want him to dominate me, but I don't know how to bring the subject up without the fear of scaring him off. I don't think he'd be completely against it (he knows I love to have my hair pulled, and he does this occasionally), but I can't just say, "So, how about you throw me down and practically rape me" over dinner, lol.

How did you and your partner come to the decision to try BDSM for the first time together?
02/27/2009
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Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. ... More
Just buy a bdsm kit or talk to him about your desires. Communication is key to achieving what you desire.

I bought love bonds a few years back, put them on the bed, my husband thought they were pretty cool and wanted to try them out- we've been exploring a little more and more into BDSM ever since.

You can always start out with unassuming BDSM goods- such as silk cuffs, pretty floggers, or maybe some cheap rope or handcuffs... See what he thinks and go from there.
02/27/2009
DreamyLove DreamyLove
Communication, communication, communication!
02/27/2009
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. ... More
Sigh. Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. I don't remember how I brought it up. Fantasies. Toys. Light bondage games. Tying him up.

But eventually he tied me up, and did "not much." He once told me that he thought that if I wanted to be tied up, then I must have had a script or some idea of what I wanted. If I didn't tell him, then how was he supposed to know.

Right. That was the idea. Not in control.

Other times... He would be so out of touch with my needs and in touch with his own raw emotions that he would hurt me (not restrain me or force me) but he wouldn't even be aware of it. Bruises without either knowledge or pleasure.
02/27/2009
megganmarie megganmarie
It's not that I'm afraid to communicate or that we have communication issues. I'm just not sure how to start the conversation without feeling embarrassed.
02/27/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
It's not that I'm afraid to communicate or that we have communication issues. I'm just not sure how to start the conversation without feeling embarrassed.
It sounds like you are aware of the whole "importance of communication!" spiel and just want a few tips on how to bring it up tactfully. My boyfriend and I have always been pretty open with each other about what turns each of us on. Once, before I had any idea that he was into bondage, my boyfriend told me that his ultimate fantasy was to be tied up to a pole and blindfolded while random men and women had their way with him. He's asked me during sex to use him "like I would a toy" various times, too. Without explicitly saying "I am into BDSM", these explicit requests and sharing moments let me know that he liked sexual situations where he could just sit back and let me take control of him.

Likewise, I once surprised him by bringing a big skein of jute (kind of like twine) over and asking him to tie me up. When we're having sex, I'll ask him to put his hand on my throat so that he's half choking me. Without explicitly saying "I'd like to switch up dom and sub roles sometimes", these requests and prompts let him know what I'm in the mood for.

So I suggest, instead of having one big coming out speech, to just incorporate little things one at a time. You say he knows you like having your hair pulled, so the next time you're having a fun tumble in bed, suggest something else you'd like him to do. Be as specific as you think you need to, since some guys are a little dense and need things to be spelled out while others are quite intuitive and only need a little prompting. If you want to do a full rape scene, then maybe work up to it with light BDSM first. I find that the best time to bring up these topics is after sex when you're cuddling and talking (at least, we cuddle and talk, I don't know about you guys). My boyfriend and I go over stuff we liked, stuff we didn't like, what was awesome, what we could try next time, etc. during afterglow and also afterwards if it just comes up.

I hope that helps!
02/27/2009
megganmarie megganmarie
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
It sounds like you are aware of the whole "importance of communication!" spiel and just want a few tips on how to bring it up tactfully. My boyfriend and I have always been pretty open with each other about what turns each of us on. Once, ... More
Thanks so much. I think that's exactly what I was looking for. I wasn't sure if I should blurt out my every desire at first, or just take it slow. I think I'll attempt the first part of this conversation tomorrow.

Thanks darlin!
02/27/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
Thanks so much. I think that's exactly what I was looking for. I wasn't sure if I should blurt out my every desire at first, or just take it slow. I think I'll attempt the first part of this conversation tomorrow.

Thanks darlin!
No problem! Good luck!!!
02/27/2009
Red Red
you can also look for some porn or erotic stories that incorporate some of your fantasies and share them with your partner. If he says "wow that stuff scares me" you can laugh it off if you want and then say "oh yeah I know, it's pretty extreme, I didn't realize! I just thought the hairpulling looked kinda hot..." or you might find it pretty easy to get into the "well what do you find hot about this" convo. Good luck!

My other recommendation would be liquid courage - if you can't possibly think of a way to start the convo, take him out for drinks and just blurt it out after you've both had a few beers. But please sober up before actually trying anything! Again, it'll be really easy to laugh it off if he reacts poorly, but it'll put the topic out there and make it easier to have specific discussions in the future.

Or, just ask him to pull your hair (or whatever) when you're going at it, just like Miss Cinnamon said!

Good luck!
02/28/2009
Sammi Sammi
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
you can also look for some porn or erotic stories that incorporate some of your fantasies and share them with your partner. If he says "wow that stuff scares me" you can laugh it off if you want and then say "oh yeah I know, it's ... More
That's what I did. I usually pick out the porn, & then see what the reaction is. Sometimes the reaction is "Holy Shit!", others it's "That looks kinda fun".
03/01/2009
megganmarie megganmarie
We're slowly making progress, I think. I suggested that he bite my neck tonight while we fooled around. He seemed very into that and did it over and over again. It was a nice change. I think I'm going to just bring it in piece by piece until (hopefully) he figures out where it's going on his own, lol.
03/02/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
We're slowly making progress, I think. I suggested that he bite my neck tonight while we fooled around. He seemed very into that and did it over and over again. It was a nice change. I think I'm going to just bring it in piece by piece ... More
Sweet :]

Glad to hear things are working out!
03/02/2009
Liz2 Liz2
In addition to communication, trust is also important. Looks like you are on your way!
I introduce sexy leather handcuffs, not metal, police type...even if I just ware them and wait for a reaction.
03/03/2009
megganmarie megganmarie
Ok. So, two weeks down, and still not much progress. He seems to think I'll break if he gets rough. Ugh. It's so frustrating. We have an 11 year age difference, and he treats me like I'm fragile most of the time (even when we're not messing around). It's sweet that he wants to take care of me and keep me from any pain, but omg, our sex life is pretty vanilla. After we experimented with the biting that one night, he noticed marks on my neck the next day and freaked out about it, kept apologizing over and over again. I assured him that it didn't bother me and that I loved it, but he kinda shied away from anything rough after that.

Help! Someone's got to have another suggestion.
03/14/2009
Sammi Sammi
Do you have any light bondage stuff? You might start with something simple and fairly innocuous, like a blindfold. If that goes over (and you could try the blindfold on him first), maybe get some of the love bonds like Sleeping Dreamer mentioned. Does he like to watch porn with you?
03/14/2009
queertastic queertastic
My boyfriend was very direct when we first started dating that he was into BDSM and spanking. We had a very, very frank conversation about it -- I was hesitant at first, I'll be honest. I thought he was crazy to find spanking sexually arousing.

We took things really slowly the first time he spanked my bottom. He was very gentle and such.

How does this apply to your situation? Take things slowly. Drop subtle hints if you're embarrassed about talking to him about it -- which I totally understand. Maybe leave a blindfold out on your dresser, or a pair of silk bondage ropes...

As for the apologizing for hurting you...that's sweet, but let him know (gently) that you don't mind bruises. For me, bruises are a sign of possession- and of love. Maybe telling him why you like bruises could be a good idea?
03/19/2009
lexical lexical
There is a lot of good advice in here, I think. I've never been in a vanilla relationship, personally. I have no advice on this front. I think that there will always be a degree of embarrassment when discussing your intimate desires. Self-disclosure is always difficult, but practice makes perfect Just be honest and tactful. Feel him out a bit before you dive headfirst into introducing him to your most intense fantasies! Have fun! I hope everything works out great for you two!
03/25/2009
All In All In
Great advice so far.

I'm not sure if you have munches in your area but it's a great situation for people who are new to BDSM. Munches are casual and take place in restaurants, coffee places etc. This way you both could meet everyday people who are into BDSM. Might help a bit.
03/27/2009
Rockin' Rockin'
Here is something I did that worked pretty well: I wanted my boy to spank me, not too hard, but hard enough to sting a bit. He's a sweetie, and didn't want to hit me, I think both out of kindness and some fear of hurting me. I waited until we were fooling around in a playful way, nothing too heavy or serious, and started telling him how much of a bad girl I was. He kind of went along with it, but didn't seem to get what I wanted at first. So, instead of just saying I was bad, I started acting bad, almost childish. I would poke him, tickle him, and generally be annoying, all while giggling and telling him he should punish me. He just kind of took it all at first, but then I got some water in my mouth from my water bottle and just sprayed it all over his hair and shirt.

It worked! ^_^

Maybe you could try that type of approach -- bother him until he WANTS to hold you down so you don't bug him anymore (lol).
03/30/2009
TinyTease TinyTease
I would just continue to encourage him by telling him how hot it made you when he bit your neck and that you like the marks. You can also start sharing fantasies - that is a really great way to talk about sexual desires without actually saying, "I really want you to tie me up." You can also tell him about a story you read that got you really excited, or tell him how you've been curious about how it would feel if you were restrained. That sort of thin. Hope to hear another update soon!
04/07/2009
Dixxie Normous Dixxie Normous
If you're afraid that more extreme situations in BDSM porn will scare him off, or if you don't watch porn together, you could watch Secretary together. It's more mainstream, and it shows the characters' motivations, which might be important for someone who doesn't understand BDSM. Then you could talk about which parts you found hot and maybe try a little roleplay to act out your favorite scenes.
04/07/2009
Machina Machina
I love that movie! Great suggestion Dixxie.
04/07/2009
DreamyLove DreamyLove
I'll have to third the Secretary recommendation.
04/07/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
Ok. So, two weeks down, and still not much progress. He seems to think I'll break if he gets rough. Ugh. It's so frustrating. We have an 11 year age difference, and he treats me like I'm fragile most of the time (even when we're ... More
We had the same problem for a while. He's younger than me, but he treated me like I was made of spun glass. Insanely frustrating!

I actually started easing him into rough play by playing rough with him, as it were. I'd push him up against walls, pin him to the bed, bite him, and so on, in sexual and normal situations, and tease him about not being able to fight me.

Then, after a while of this, I escalated our usual tickle fights. (which won't work if he's not ticklish...) Instead of letting up when he begged, I told him to "Make me!" Each time I stretched it on longer and longer... until he finally grabbed my arms and made me stop. The first few times, I left it at that, but eventually I started struggling with a lusty gleam in my eye, and things finally began to progress from there. None of this left any bruises or marks, so there wasn't anything visible the next day to remind him and make him feel like he needed to apologize. (now is a different story, but I've enticed him far enough down this path that he doesn't get upset unless I do)

Something along these lines might be worth a try. Again, it's kind of like Rockin's idea of pushing him till he grabs you, just more specific.

Good luck! We're rooting for you!
04/07/2009
Rockin' Rockin'
Quote:
Originally posted by Luscious Lily
We had the same problem for a while. He's younger than me, but he treated me like I was made of spun glass. Insanely frustrating!

I actually started easing him into rough play by playing rough with him, as it were. I'd push him up ... More
Yes! I like your description a lot, Luscious Lily. Let the guy know you're into some rougher play by being a little rough with him first. Nice!
04/08/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
What can I say, I got a little frustrated!
04/08/2009
Liz2 Liz2
I worked it out with one guy who was reluctant by fighting him off (playfully) and I just refused to give in. Difficult to do but said he would have to make me and fought him when he tried to hold me down; he got so pissed but he got the idea. Then went another time to a spreader bar with my hands free, so I could still struggle and fight. He then realized that I was not going to brake during the struggle.
Vanilla sex just sucks! But you can change it!
04/09/2009
LadyAdderuss LadyAdderuss
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
Ok. So, two weeks down, and still not much progress. He seems to think I'll break if he gets rough. Ugh. It's so frustrating. We have an 11 year age difference, and he treats me like I'm fragile most of the time (even when we're ... More
dear I would have to say keep trying My man is 13 yrs older then me and I made him kinky as hell. biting me the whole nine yards and with me being a Dom it feels good for my man to do it to me when we have sex just give him some hints or be a little rough him and let him know you want more bring in the toys that you wish to bring in to the night of fun trust me they all say you cant teach an old dog new tricks but you can
04/09/2009
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by megganmarie
So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. ... More
Cute topic. Every person's different, so they have to be treated differently. You never know, he might be very much into that. You have to find out by asking, of course. So I think that you should say that, it would turn me on definitely. Let's hope that he's that type of guy.

Honestly, I never came to a decision. I've always been this very dominant, kinky sort of guy, and it was basically a given to all of my partners. It was never discussed, it was assumed. My partner now, whose virginity I took away and had obviously never done anything in the BDSM department, is being slowly worked up to my level. Our first time having sex we were doing light, basic kinky things. So really, I've never discussed being into BDSM at all with anyone. I have with my parents, but that's because my parents were both very much into BDSM as well, as was my uncle, who I'm very much like. We basically only discussed techniques and what we enjoyed, which is very different from talking about it for the first time or bringing it up.
06/06/2009
RainbowOokami RainbowOokami
I just casually brought it up during a conversation about my ex. I dont think my girlfriend fully grasps what kind of kink I use to be involved in but it got us started into bondage together.
07/09/2011
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Unique posters: 19