How do I bring it up "gently"?

So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. I've been seeing a new guy for about a month, and I want him to dominate me, but I don't know how to bring the subject up without the fear of scaring him off. I don't think he'd be completely against it (he knows I love to have my hair pulled, and he does this occasionally), but I can't just say, "So, how about you throw me down and practically rape me" over dinner, lol.

How did you and your partner come to the decision to try BDSM for the first time together? less

So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. I've been seeing a new guy for about a month, and I want him to dominate me, but I don't know how to bring the subject up without the fear of scaring him off. I don't think he'd be completely against it (he knows I love to have my hair pulled, and he does this occasionally), but I can't just say, "So, how about you throw me down and practically rape me" over dinner, lol.

How did you and your partner come to the decision to try BDSM for the first time together? less

It sounds like you are aware of the whole "importance of communication!" spiel and just want a few tips on how to bring it up tactfully. My boyfriend and I have always been pretty open with each other about what turns each of us on. Once, before I had any idea that he was into bondage, my boyfriend told me that his ultimate fantasy was to be tied up to a pole and blindfolded while random men and women had their way with him. He's asked me during sex to use him "like I would a toy" various times, too. Without explicitly saying "I am into BDSM", these explicit requests and sharing moments let me know that he liked sexual situations where he could just sit back and let me take control of him.

Likewise, I once surprised him by bringing a big skein of jute (kind of like twine) over and asking him to tie me up. When we're having sex, I'll ask him to put his hand on my throat so that he's half choking me. Without explicitly saying "I'd like to switch up dom and sub roles sometimes", these requests and prompts let him know what I'm in the mood for.

So I suggest, instead of having one big coming out speech, to just incorporate little things one at a time. You say he knows you like having your hair pulled, so the next time you're having a fun tumble in bed, suggest something else you'd like him to do. Be as specific as you think you need to, since some guys are a little dense and need things to be spelled out while others are quite intuitive and only need a little prompting. If you want to do a full rape scene, then maybe work up to it with light BDSM first. I find that the best time to bring up these topics is after sex when you're cuddling and talking (at least, we cuddle and talk, I don't know about you guys). My boyfriend and I go over stuff we liked, stuff we didn't like, what was awesome, what we could try next time, etc. during afterglow and also afterwards if it just comes up.

I hope that helps! less

you can also look for some porn or erotic stories that incorporate some of your fantasies and share them with your partner. If he says "wow that stuff scares me" you can laugh it off if you want and then say "oh yeah I know, it's pretty extreme, I didn't realize! I just thought the hairpulling looked kinda hot..." or you might find it pretty easy to get into the "well what do you find hot about this" convo. Good luck!

My other recommendation would be liquid courage - if you can't possibly think of a way to start the convo, take him out for drinks and just blurt it out after you've both had a few beers. But please sober up before actually trying anything! Again, it'll be really easy to laugh it off if he reacts poorly, but it'll put the topic out there and make it easier to have specific discussions in the future.

Or, just ask him to pull your hair (or whatever) when you're going at it, just like Miss Cinnamon said!

Good luck! less

We're slowly making progress, I think. I suggested that he bite my neck tonight while we fooled around. He seemed very into that and did it over and over again. It was a nice change. I think I'm going to just bring it in piece by piece until (hopefully) he figures out where it's going on his own, lol. less

Ok. So, two weeks down, and still not much progress. He seems to think I'll break if he gets rough. Ugh. It's so frustrating. We have an 11 year age difference, and he treats me like I'm fragile most of the time (even when we're not messing around). It's sweet that he wants to take care of me and keep me from any pain, but omg, our sex life is pretty vanilla. After we experimented with the biting that one night, he noticed marks on my neck the next day and freaked out about it, kept apologizing over and over again. I assured him that it didn't bother me and that I loved it, but he kinda shied away from anything rough after that.

Help! Someone's got to have another suggestion. less

We had the same problem for a while. He's younger than me, but he treated me like I was made of spun glass. Insanely frustrating!

I actually started easing him into rough play by playing rough with him, as it were. I'd push him up against walls, pin him to the bed, bite him, and so on, in sexual and normal situations, and tease him about not being able to fight me.

Then, after a while of this, I escalated our usual tickle fights. (which won't work if he's not ticklish...) Instead of letting up when he begged, I told him to "Make me!" Each time I stretched it on longer and longer... until he finally grabbed my arms and made me stop. The first few times, I left it at that, but eventually I started struggling with a lusty gleam in my eye, and things finally began to progress from there. None of this left any bruises or marks, so there wasn't anything visible the next day to remind him and make him feel like he needed to apologize. (now is a different story, but I've enticed him far enough down this path that he doesn't get upset unless I do)

Something along these lines might be worth a try. Again, it's kind of like Rockin's idea of pushing him till he grabs you, just more specific.

Good luck! We're rooting for you! less

Ok. So, two weeks down, and still not much progress. He seems to think I'll break if he gets rough. Ugh. It's so frustrating. We have an 11 year age difference, and he treats me like I'm fragile most of the time (even when we're not messing around). It's sweet that he wants to take care of me and keep me from any pain, but omg, our sex life is pretty vanilla. After we experimented with the biting that one night, he noticed marks on my neck the next day and freaked out about it, kept apologizing over and over again. I assured him that it didn't bother me and that I loved it, but he kinda shied away from anything rough after that.

Help! Someone's got to have another suggestion. less

So, I've always had fantasies of being handcuffed, tied down to the bed, and completely dominated. My x and I experimented a little with it, nothing to hard core, just him pinning me down and biting a little. It completely turned me on. I've been seeing a new guy for about a month, and I want him to dominate me, but I don't know how to bring the subject up without the fear of scaring him off. I don't think he'd be completely against it (he knows I love to have my hair pulled, and he does this occasionally), but I can't just say, "So, how about you throw me down and practically rape me" over dinner, lol.

How did you and your partner come to the decision to try BDSM for the first time together? less