How to explain that BDSM does not = abuse

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How to explain that BDSM does not = abuse

 
 
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oliverHyde oliverHyde
I've had to explain it to a few of my non-kinky friends (and a few family members) and I'm curious how other people have tried to explain it.

Generally speaking, just explaining that we use safewords is not enough to convince them, but discussions after that get confusing pretty quickly. Just defining consent, violence, and abuse in the context of BDSM can be difficult to do when put on the spot.

How did you explain it?
09/22/2009
LiftedUp LiftedUp
To be honest, we don't generally share many details of what we do behind closed doors with many people in "real life." If the topic comes up, we'll sometimes make a comment like "there's nothing wrong with a little light bondage in the bedroom if both partners are consenting," but usually leave it at that.
09/22/2009
ToyGeek ToyGeek
I have no experience with BDSM, but I would recommend not talking about it with people who are likely to misunderstand or get judgmental, lest they cause you legal difficulties for your own good.
09/22/2009
Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by oliverHyde
I've had to explain it to a few of my non-kinky friends (and a few family members) and I'm curious how other people have tried to explain it.

Generally speaking, just explaining that we use safewords is not enough to convince them, but ... More
I just wouldn't go there with them.
09/22/2009
oliverHyde oliverHyde
We're very active in the local community and it's a SMALL town, it's kind of hard to have it not come out.
I also run into a LOT of BDSM questions through my work as a sex educator on campus.

We also have a 24-7 D/s relationship. It's difficult to hide something that is that much a part of our relationship to the people we live with or see on a daily basis. When we've tried to hide it, it never worked for longer than a month or so. It's possible that we just have very perceptive friends.

And it's not always easy telling who is going to be judgmental. We live in an extremely accepting and liberal area (that's how I can talk about BDSM as part of my sex education job on campus) so in general, things are extremely likely to go well.

It's just that sometimes... they don't
09/22/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by oliverHyde
We're very active in the local community and it's a SMALL town, it's kind of hard to have it not come out.
I also run into a LOT of BDSM questions through my work as a sex educator on campus.

We also have a 24-7 D/s relationship. It's ... More
I don't know how to explain it, but I also wonder if it is something that really needs explaining. Sure you live your life differently than your peers, but does it matter what they think?
If it is causing you trouble in your societal circle, I guess you will have to have an explanation. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it.
My standard response to questions about my personal life that don't really require my answer is "That's part of my personal life I do not wish to discuss."
09/22/2009
Sir Sir
I never had to explain it. My entire family is fairly well-versed in BDSM (though I do happen to be the one who's more hardcore than the rest of them).
09/22/2009
Liz2 Liz2
I guess I'm just reticent to give titillating bits to non-players. So I just don't. Also I don't inquire about some one's sex life unless they offer it or say things at a party or wherever...... But that's me.
Some thins are just too damn hard to explain. Some BDSM is just in this category.
09/22/2009
ToyGeek ToyGeek
I think, since you're in sex education and have a thorough knowledge of BDSM, what you need to do is read up on the emotional dynamics of abusive relationships. It's much easier to contrast two things once you are knowledgeable on both topics.
09/22/2009
Laurel Laurel
(EdenFantasys)
Quote:
Originally posted by oliverHyde
I've had to explain it to a few of my non-kinky friends (and a few family members) and I'm curious how other people have tried to explain it.

Generally speaking, just explaining that we use safewords is not enough to convince them, but ... More
I think most people involved in BDSM tend to try to avoid explaining it to people who will not receive the message. This, of course, doesn't help you if you have decided to try to help someone understand what it is that you do.

I would focus on the fact that your relationship with your partner is no different than any other in that it's based in caring and love and concern for each other's well being. Also, while you participate in activities that may involve infliction of pain as a sexual stimulant, you maintain concern for safety and injury at all times and take precautions to minimize risk. In this way, you are not all that different from people who seek thrills through bungee-jumping, rock-climbing or jumping out of airplanes.

There is an intense physiological reaction involving adrenalin and endorphins that results from what we do and more "public" risky behaviors.

I am not sure explaining the exact details to anyone would be appropriate. Keep in general, emphasize the deliberate planning that goes into what you do (as opposed to random beatings out of anger), the pleasure and the safety precautions...and that you are happy and content (assuming you are) with what you do, therefore they should be happy for you as well.

All that said, tread carefully when deciding to reveal what you do to others. Sometimes the consequences can be unpredictable.
09/24/2009
Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
(EdenFantasys)
I was in a mutually abusive relationship (in the end, I started it just as often as he did) before I met M. So I simply point out the differences in the relationships.

People can hear in my voice and see in my expressions the difference in how I feel about the relationships. How I feel about the experiences. There's no question that the last was abuse and the current is not.
09/25/2009
TinyTease TinyTease
Really good question...I've been trying to figure out how to do this myself as I have a long distance, open, D/s relationship and my current bed partner is trying to "get" my relationship. Every time I talk about it, I get flustered. I've just emphasized that everything we do together brings us closer and that we both enjoy it.
09/29/2009
Atargatis Atargatis
i've explained it to a number of people who have responded saying "Wow, you made it sound so amazing and beautiful." The key is that it has to be consensual and something that both parties WANT to do. Sometimes describing safeword use can help, but i don't personally use them... ever... so that doesn't work for me.
12/07/2009
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by oliverHyde
I've had to explain it to a few of my non-kinky friends (and a few family members) and I'm curious how other people have tried to explain it.

Generally speaking, just explaining that we use safewords is not enough to convince them, but ... More
No one's ever asked me. I think it's sick when I see BDSM as an abusive subject, and for that reason alone I refuse to do it hardcore.
08/01/2010
oliverHyde oliverHyde
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera
No one's ever asked me. I think it's sick when I see BDSM as an abusive subject, and for that reason alone I refuse to do it hardcore.
out of curiosity, how do you define hardcore BDSM? I have to admit, even though BDSM is the main part of my sexuality, there are scenes that are too scary for me.

I put my hardcore line at anything that takes over a week to recover from (mentally or physically). I can understand why folks would want to push past that, but that's where it gets too intense for me.
08/01/2010
NymphetamineKiss NymphetamineKiss
That kind of attitude/belief does frustrate me. I'd probably logic that the most succinct way of defining it is as a consent issue. If anyone came up and restrained me, or flogged me, that'd be assault or such... If it's in a scene... that's totally different.

As an asside, UK law gets... confusing, when it comes to what can be consented to. I don't know if US law is as iffy, but for us, it questions heavily what a person can or cannot give their consent for...

R v Brown [1994] link

There are more cases and it's a lot more complex than that - considerably more available here: link

(Actually, looking into it, it'd seem on the surface that there may be more legal space for consent at least from the case law indicated through Lawrence v Texas - where it was said that the "state lacked the power to declare an activity illegal purely on the basis of moral opinion"...)

Okay, I think I shall be quiet now. I've rambled at you all quite enough.
08/02/2010
PonyPlay PonyPlay
It is not abuse if it is consented too. Just like it is not rape if that person wants it. So tell them that abuse is against someones will and it is not abuse because it is not against your will and you want it.
08/02/2010
NymphetamineKiss NymphetamineKiss
Quote:
Originally posted by PonyPlay
It is not abuse if it is consented too. Just like it is not rape if that person wants it. So tell them that abuse is against someones will and it is not abuse because it is not against your will and you want it.
That's always been my logic. Which is why, I think, that the law questioning what I am allowed to consent to, makes me so mad.
08/03/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by oliverHyde
I've had to explain it to a few of my non-kinky friends (and a few family members) and I'm curious how other people have tried to explain it.

Generally speaking, just explaining that we use safewords is not enough to convince them, but ... More
Honestly? I don't discuss it with people who don't already understand it. People have too much baggage, are too prudish, have too many hang ups about sex. My job requires me to "convince" people that some very normal activities are normal, despite common misconceptions (I'm a Maternal Infant nurse) and I leave that stuff at the door.

My Non-Kinky friends have no idea, and if they do make a comment, I simply smile and wink and refuse to say anything.

Mileage etc.
08/03/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera
No one's ever asked me. I think it's sick when I see BDSM as an abusive subject, and for that reason alone I refuse to do it hardcore.
"Hardcore" is in the eye of the beholder. One person's "hardcore" is an other person's "every day activity."
08/03/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by PonyPlay
It is not abuse if it is consented too. Just like it is not rape if that person wants it. So tell them that abuse is against someones will and it is not abuse because it is not against your will and you want it.
THAT isn't "rape." There is no such thing as "consensual rape." Rape is an assault. "Ravishment Play" is consensual, rough play. There is a HUGE difference. I thought we went through this only about 2 weeks ago.

*sigh*
08/03/2010
PonyPlay PonyPlay
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
THAT isn't "rape." There is no such thing as "consensual rape." Rape is an assault. "Ravishment Play" is consensual, rough play. There is a HUGE difference. I thought we went through this only about 2 weeks ago.

*sigh*
I'm not saying that there is such a thing as consensual rape I am say that rape is not rape if the person wants to have sex. I think you are slightly confused. Basically I'm saying you can't rape the willing. Just like it's not abuse if you want it.
08/03/2010
Red Riding Hood Red Riding Hood
I think if it came down to it and I HAD to explain to someone, I would simply point out that it's a situation involving two consenting adults who have rules and communication to understand when things go too far or whatever. If that's not good enough for this curious person, then that's just tough. If both parties are fully willing to please the eachother in these seemingly abusive ways, how can it be abuse? I think it's much easier to just understand than to verbally explain...
08/04/2010
Total posts: 23
Unique posters: 15