Master/slave lack of safeword?

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Master/slave lack of safeword?

 
 
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Epiphora Epiphora
Until today, I had never heard anyone say that they didn't want to have a safeword. But someone on Twitter mentioned it, saying that for a slave "it tends to be a point of pride." I wanted to know, how prevalent is this view? What do you think of it? I looked up some stuff on Google but didn't really find anyone being prideful about not having/using a safeword.

I don't know a lot about Master/slave relationships either, so I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about them in general.
07/12/2009
Red Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you are. Everyone has a safeword unless they are being abused. It's just that the safeword probably isn't "pineapple" if you're bragging that you don't have one. However, anyone and everyone will always have the following safewords (for example): "I am going to vomit" "I am going to faint" "I am going to press charges" "you are giving me nerve damage"...etc etc
07/12/2009
Epiphora Epiphora
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you ... More
Exactly what I was thinking.
07/12/2009
Juliettia Juliettia
We don't have a set safeword, but we know when the other means to stop. We can read each other very well. So that in itself is a safeword I suppose.
07/12/2009
Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
When i hear statements like that i think they tend to mean something like what Red said. It may not be "curtain" but when they say "i've lost feeling in my legs" play does stop and appropriate actions are taken.

While i can see the point of pride statement, from the submissive point of view, so long as the plays tops when "i'm going to vomit" is said..*shrugs* that's what matters. In the middle of a heavy play session, no matter how much you've rehearsed your special word, oftentimes what's in the front of your mind isn't any one specific word, it's what's going on right now. "need to puke" "can't feel legs" etc etc.
07/13/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Jessica Elizabeth
When i hear statements like that i think they tend to mean something like what Red said. It may not be "curtain" but when they say "i've lost feeling in my legs" play does stop and appropriate actions are taken.

While i can see the point of ... More
I see your point. If it stops when it needs to, it's all good. And "I'm going to puke" is pretty clear in terms of what it means but the point of a safe word is to be absolutely clear because you may say things in role that could be confusing. A lot of play falls into those grey areas and I imagine there must have been significant enough need for someone to coin a term for it. Furthermore, emotional reasons for halting a scene tend to be a lot more grey than physical ones.

I would never, ever, ever play with someone who did not respect a safe word. I would never allow myself to be so irresponsible as to allow a scene to progress without dealing with as much of the risk as possible. I can't eliminate every risk, but I damned well will limit them where I can.

Pride does you no good when you're dead
07/13/2009
Juliettia Juliettia
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I see your point. If it stops when it needs to, it's all good. And "I'm going to puke" is pretty clear in terms of what it means but the point of a safe word is to be absolutely clear because you may say things in role that could be confusing. A lot ... More
Quoted for Truth.
07/13/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
..but if you are concerned about your pride, I'd be damned impressed with any submissive who can remember the safe word under any kind of duress
07/13/2009
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you ... More
I've never had a safeword with any of my partners. I've never seen the point in it. It isn't because of pride, I just never bothered to think of one.
07/13/2009
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you ... More
And no, I really do not have safewords and it is not abuse. Yes, I'm aggressive with my little girl, but I don't abuse her or force anything onto her. Our "safeword" is just understanding each other. I can tell when I'm hurting her in a bad way.
07/13/2009
Darkness Withinus Darkness Withinus
Quote:
Originally posted by Epiphora
Until today, I had never heard anyone say that they didn't want to have a safeword. But someone on Twitter mentioned it, saying that for a slave "it tends to be a point of pride." I wanted to know, how prevalent is this view? What do you think of it? ... More
This view isn't all the prevalent but it is around. I have generally heard it only applied to a scene, the reasoning in this case was it was a form of edge play and complete Domination or submission. Personally that is the only way I would ever consider it and it would be a short scene. In general I love having a submissive, there is nothing better in the world to me than having that kind of relationship. If you would like to know more then send me a message and I will share more of my experience with you.
07/30/2009
Destri Destri
My husband, who is also my slave, has a safe word. While I agree that a slave might not always remember their word while in the midst of play, I still think having one is important even between loving, trusting couples. I agree totally with those above who say that pride will be no comfort when someone is dead or maimed.

There used to be a phrase in BDSM that one seldom hears anymore but that I believe in 100%: SSC, or 'Safe, Sane and Consensual' - what ever happened to that???
08/01/2009
Liz Liz
Quote:
Originally posted by Destri
My husband, who is also my slave, has a safe word. While I agree that a slave might not always remember their word while in the midst of play, I still think having one is important even between loving, trusting couples. I agree totally with those ... More
This is a really good point. My boyfriend and I are relatively new to BDSM play, and while we've been together for several years and know each other very well, we still use a safe word. I'm glad we do, because I've occasionally been surprised to find that there were things I thought I would be okay with doing-- but in the moment, I actually wasn't comfortable with them at all. Definitions of "safe" and "sane" can vary from person to person, so I think (at least for us) having a safe word is key to keeping play truly "consensual."
08/01/2009
Oggins Oggins
I think a safe word is a fantastic idea because things can get carried away so quickly sometimes. I mean sure, my husband knows me very well and I've never had to actually use it but why not have one? There's really no reason to not come up with something for "just in case". After all, I'd never be able to forgive myself if something went wrong. I'm also not disagreeing with anyone. I'm just saying, why not? It couldn't hurt, right? =)
08/01/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
I'm not quite sure about this one. I know that, in the few instances of master/slave relationships I can think of, the idea of a safe word doesn't really come up. That's because they are like "real" (for lack of a better term) master/slave relationships, IE, the slave has no control over their own life or personage whatsoever. In those cases, I wouldn't imagine a safe word existed. However, I would hope that, since the slave was willing to hand their free will over to their master, that trust would manifest itself as an honest caring for each other's well-being.

I've never really thought of safe words as couple-specific so much as play specific. For example: if I want to engage in heavy BDSM, I may say, "The safe word tonight is Gregorian." But if it were just something that happened during our ordinary sex routine, I would just outright say it was wrong, IE, "Don't do that, it really hurts!" I wouldn't come up with a specific word.

Does that make sense?
08/02/2009
Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
(EdenFantasys)
In my mind, a safeword is a good idea to have in the beginning of a kink-related relationship but it's not always necessary. Most use them like a security blanket. They know it won't save them in a bad situation but hold on to it just in case the magic inside decides to function.

And in a lot of cases, like me, they use safewords instead of "I'm going to vomit." because there are bottoms who will say "No don't!" and mean "Yes please!" In these instances, the safeword is used so there's no confusion as to whether or not the bottom has a problem.

Not having a safeword is, sometimes, a matter of pride for slaves in the BDSM community. Giving up their safeword, to some, is a symbol of absolute trust.

I was proud of myself when I gave up mine. It was my way of saying "I know you won't intentionally cause permanent damage. Do with me as you will." And that's a huge, huge deal for me with my past. But I don't think I'm better or worse than any other submissive because of it. Just better than *I* was when I wasn't capable of trusting this man I want to spend the rest of my life serving.
08/03/2009
Red Red
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
And no, I really do not have safewords and it is not abuse. Yes, I'm aggressive with my little girl, but I don't abuse her or force anything onto her. Our "safeword" is just understanding each other. I can tell when I'm hurting her in a bad way.
You misunderstood me, I mean everyone has a safeword unless they are being abused in that they can stop play by saying "I am going to get nerve damage in my arm and need out now" (or whatever).

Also I was not directing my response to anyone in particular, I was just talking about a concept.
08/03/2009
Red Red
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you ... More
Also, I believe that with respect to public play, at least in all the spaces I have been, that the word "SAFEWORD" is universally respected as well, regardless of who is playing and whether or not they have an established safeword.

Destri said it perfectly - one has to be SSC.
08/03/2009
vanilla impaired vanilla impaired
When you are playing with someone new or exploring BDSM then it's probably a good reason to have one as exploration with many aspects of BDSM have areas that push limits. Some use them, some don't. There's far too much emphasis of how good a slave/sub you are if you don't have one which I find silly.

You are responsible for your own safety and only you know your dynamic with your partner best. It's a negotiated topic between two consenting adults. I don't think it's my place to tell someone else whether they should have one or not, that's their choice. I do have one but I have never used it as of yet as there has been no need. Communication and trust are a huge part of it and understanding your partner well. I have old injuries that can spark up and emotional triggers but I make sure all those things are discussed well before any form of play.
08/04/2009
TinyTease TinyTease
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I've heard the whole "Oh if you really know your slave you don't NEED safewords" or the whole concept of a sub resisting using a safeword for pride and how a dom should be able to tell when enough it enough....

Blah! I don't care WHO you ... More
LOL @ "I am going to press charges" "You are giving me nerve damage."

But, seriously, I don't personally know anyone who doesn't use one that is in the lifestyle.
08/04/2009
VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
It doesn't matter if you've been playing for ten weeks or ten years. In any relationship there should be a way to put a stop to any play that may be a bit too much or intense. In a M/s relationship safewords aren't commonly used because a slave usually gives up all her rights to her Master, which is fine and a lot of people live that way. A Master should know his slave enough to determine when her body has had enough. We'll always use a safeword. It's not a pride thing if I don't use a safeword. If I don't, my partner may harm me instead of hurt me without realizing it.

Hence why we keep them and always will. There are just less risks that way. For us at least.
08/12/2009
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I don't think you need a safeword, but you do need an agreed upon signal that means the scene will stop. I don't use a safeword, per se. "Stop" or "no more" or any variation of are respected in lieu of safewords in play. I make it clear from the beginning that fantasy can't include using those kinds of phrases in a playful manner because the scene will end as a result of invoking them. I have never had a problem with this.

Also, I don't do the whole "slave" thing either, and I also don't consider the things I do in the bedroom a part of a "lifestyle" so maybe this conversation isn't for me to begin with. But in terms of BDSM it's very rare that someone has had to say "stop" with me because I am pretty attentive and do periodic check-ins (ie: "How are you holding up? Do you want to take a break?")
08/12/2009
Owl Identified Owl Identified
This actually brings me to something else, though. Sometimes when play goes past a point you are comfortable with it's difficult to verbalize that you need out. Whether it's emotional trauma or physical trauma, sometimes it becomes too much for a safe word. This is honestly why I think periodic check-points can prevent it ever reaching that place to begin with. I don't think having something that functions as a safeword is necessarily enough.

I am not traditionally a bottom because I am 1) naturally a top and 2) have a history of abuse. In the situations that I have bottomed, I have been triggered once or twice and found myself unable to properly communicate because I was suffering flashbacks and things of this nature. That was why having a partner that cared about me, or even just a partner that respected me as a human being even if they weren't in love with me, was so important. Basically, don't play with people that don't care enough about your safety to pay attention with you is my policy.
08/12/2009
VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
This actually brings me to something else, though. Sometimes when play goes past a point you are comfortable with it's difficult to verbalize that you need out. Whether it's emotional trauma or physical trauma, sometimes it becomes too much for a ... More
@periodic checkpoints statement: I fully agree with that as well. My partner checks with me every so often when we're playing. It's another good method. I'm glad you brought it up!
08/12/2009
Atargatis Atargatis
i mentioned this in another thread, that i never use safewords. Sometimes, especially in unfamiliar situations, safewords can be offered, although usually with Doms that i do not typically work with. i find safewords do not work, because i am often gagged. We do use "periodic checkpoints," especially when we are engaging in something that is known to be extraordinarily painful or difficult.

Basically if the person Dominating you cannot tell if you are having a problem or not, that's a problem.
12/07/2009
Domineight Domineight
I haven't ever felt I needed a safe word with partners. All of my BDSM-related play has been with people I know very well so if I, or the other person when I'm Dom, says "Hey. Seriously. Stop." I/they would just stop.

I feel that if you're involved in play with someone you don't know that well that you should use a safe word. But I also would advise most people not to submit to a stranger in a private place because it just seems too risky to leave yourself that vulnerable with someone you don't know well and who isn't familliar with your limits.
12/10/2009
DynamicDuo DynamicDuo
I dont think there is anything wrong with a safe word. I think saying the safe word instead, say, "too hard" keeps the mood without one partner getting upset or losing focus
12/10/2009
dragondiva dragondiva
Usually breath play results in a check, as we call it, and tears since I rarily cry, but here again we also have safewords. I've never used a full stop word but we have caution or change words which once I did request we change the play because I could not catch my breath and as easy as that we kept going and without that it could have been less good. For me I would rather push myself until I fainted than stop but fainting would stop everything so changing works much better, my master is very good at reading me and that one time thing never has happened again, even though we've been exactly in the same situation, of course he now demands eye contact more and he checks how I am maybe more. I must agree though if I said I'm going to faint it would be a stop, vomiting maybe not cause a good deep throat might cause that, but he might pull back a bit. Any loss of feeling is usually just a change of position or activity, he might massage the area effected but he'd have a motive and plan..
12/23/2009
Atargatis Atargatis
Dragon- i believe it is up to the people involved to determine whether loss of consciousness or vomiting would be stops. i know in my play they would not be, but it is important to address those concerns in any D/s dynamic, because one may think "Oh, if i faint, of course He would stop" when in reality it has the ability to lead to problems.
12/24/2009
Total posts: 29
Unique posters: 20