My husband wants me to tie him down and whip him. What do I do?

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My husband wants me to tie him down and whip him. What do I do?

Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
I have had an interesting sexual and emotional history that makes it very hard for me to understand why someone would want to be tied down and whipped, paddled, spanked or dominated in any way. However, my husband is very obviously turned on by the idea. He's been asking me to dominate him in the bedroom for a while now. And when I recently mentioned seeing a pair of fur lined wrist restraints on EF that I was thinking of buying and using on him, his eyes lit up and he practically vibrated with excitement.

However, because of my own issues, I know practically nothing about BDSM. I love my husband and am willing to face my issues and try to spice things up, but how does one learn to be a dom? Any suggestions on books, equipment, websites, etc... would be greatly appreciated. However, I am especially interested in the psychology of bdsm. I think if I could understand why he would enjoy being dominated, I would be more comfortable doing it.

I just have a major problem doing something to someone that I know I would hate having done to me.

And although I have tried searching the EF forums, it seems that most of what I find is about being a sub, not being a dom. And frankly, even reading through the bdsm section makes me a little uncomfortable. If I'm going to learn to be a good dom for my husband, I'm going to need a lot of help.
07/05/2011
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Diabolical Kitty Diabolical Kitty
You aren't able to either be a Dom or a sub. It's just something you are. You can learn to either top or bottom without the same things. Topping you do what you do to further the person you are topping. If he wants those things, it's things his soul wants, and will help him grow as a person. Just think of that.
07/05/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
I agree and disagree with Diabolical Kitty to a small degree.

In my current relationship with my husband, I'm his Mistress. There is no question about that. He can top me, but in essence, I'm topping from the bottom. Directing him where to go, what to do. There are times I have a desire to be dominated, but he cannot fully dominate me. Much of that centers around the fact that he's watched me struggle with my own abusive past, and he's scared to trigger me. I enjoy being his Mistress and I'm a sensitive and attentive Mistress. I know when to stop. I know when to push. I know what his limits are. I know how to read his body for cues. He trusts me to not push his boundaries. He trusts me to respect his cues. We engage in what others would call vanilla sex as well, and we are not in that dynamic full-time because neither of us desires it. But I'm not his top, I'm his Mistress.

There have been people who I've encountered who have this, the best term I can come up with is aura, about them that make me know that if we were in a sexual relationship, they would absolutely be my Dom(me). Something about them makes me think, "Yeah, I'd have no power there and I would be okay with that."

Then there have been people I've encountered that think they have that air of dominance about them, but I laugh to myself and think, "You wouldn't know how to dominate me even if you tried. I'd dominate you, no problem, and you wouldn't even know what hit you." And that can either be a turn on or a turn off depending on my frame of mind.

Sometimes I want to be dominated, fully. To be known the way I know Mr and to give my body over to someone and know that they're going to please me, and that the way they please me pleases them.
07/05/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Way to tangent! So, in my agree/disagree... Yes, I agree that in some relationships there's not more than a top/bottom dynamic and that it's not a full D/s situation; but I think it varies from relationship to relationship. I think that a person CAN learn to be a Dom(me), but that it takes a lot of time and a lot of work on your mentality of BDSM dynamics.

And Ivy, just a little note to you, to help you decide if you're comfortable. Remember, the difference between what you went through and what your husband is requesting is just that: REQUEST. This is something he WANTS, not something you're just DOING. You're not taking his choices away from him, you're giving him what he's asking for.
07/05/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Thanks Diabolical Kitty and BBW.

In real life, I do have a dominant personality. I work very hard to not be dominant to my husband(or to other people), but I don't know how well I succeed. In the past, several different men have told me that they were frankly scared of me. It always surprised me. Because, I honestly do try to be very considerate of other people's needs and feelings. So I guess I understand what you mean about being born dominant or submissive. I am apparently dominant, even though I don't want to be.

As for topping my husband, I have been giving it a lot of thought and talking with him about it. Turns out all he wants is the the more S&M aspects of it. He likes being blindfolded and spanked/whipped, but has no interest in the degradation/humiliatio n aspects of some kinds of BDSM. He doesn't want me to call him names or treat him like a slave or anything like that. Which is a huge relief to me.

I doubt that I could ever be comfortable with the degradation/humiliatio n stuff, but I'm pretty sure I can tie him up and whip him. I just ordered a set of wrist restraints, blindfold and slapper and we'll see how it goes. I also ordered "The New Topping Book" which I plan on reading before we really do anything.

I wanted to get "The Mistress Manual" as well, but it was out of stock. Have you read either of these? Are they any good?
07/24/2011
Antipova Antipova
I have a lot of thoughts I can share, Ivy, but I'm not too sure which ones will be most helpful, so I'll just toss a few of the thoughts on top out, and if you have questions, just ask me further!

First, to answer one question, I read and reviewed the Mistress Manual, and from my perspective as a naturally submissive sort of person, it was geared more toward people who already have an innate knack for dominance that they're trying to focus, and not so much for people who were coming from a place of not understanding very much yet. I did learn a fair amount of useful ideas for building a "scene," and what some driving factors of men's desires for submission can be... but in terms of making me feel more comfortable, it didn't do a whole lot. It also did tend to focus a lot on things that I identified as more like "humiliation/degr adati on" than simple S&M, and humiliation is a turn-off for me (both giving and receiving.)

But, on the other part---I think Diabolical Kitty makes a good point about the differences between being Dominant or Submissive vs. topping or bottoming. No matter which way (or in the middle) you're naturally aligned, it's possible to put on a different hat for sex occasionally in order to give your partner something that they would really appreciate. And, in most cases, people learn to enjoy topping/bottoming for the sake of it eventually too.

I have a friend whose personality is pretty similar to mine, and we were lovers several years ago, and the sex was fabulous but not particularly exploratory, because we both like a partner to lead. We didn't have sex for a few years, but then got back together again, and he easily leapt into a totally new role. (I had learned to be more vocal in the intervening years, so I asked him to slap my ass---and he immediately did, perfectly, and then went on to call the shots for the rest of the session.) And then afterward reverted to his normal self, and said basically "see? Learning to top can be kind of fun!"

I'm going to interject a little bit here about the motivation for wanting to be dominated. In my case, I have a strong innate desire to know that I'm making my partner happy, and I feel like I can do the best job of that when my partner's telling me exactly what his desires are. It's also nice---I have a pretty dominant personality in some areas of my life---and if you look up Dan Savage on dominance, he says it's pretty common for people who are always having to make decisions in high-pressure jobs to want to have one aspect of their lives where they are released of control. Letting someone else call the shots can be relaxing and freeing.

And then, there's the part where "it just feels good." I actually went to visit a Pro Domme once, out of curiosity. She was super kind, gave me the cheapest rate she charged (it's not very often they get girls, I guess), and happily explained everything she was using, how it was made, and how it would feel, before she hit me with it. She spanked me, flogged me, cuffed me up in a standing position and whipped me, and then let me go. (There wasn't much "scene" to it, because I was there more for curiosity than for "release.") But I left feeling like I'd just gotten the most skillful full-body massage. A nice suede flogger does wonders for knots in your shoulders, apparently ---and I did leave with plenty of bruises, but she made a point of asking frequently "is this too much, not enough, or the correct amount of force?" So despite being bruised, I felt wonderful.

And, for my part---I am submissive, but I've never really been attracted to naturally dominant guys. Maybe this will change as I'm actually starting to get to know and understand myself better---but instinctively, because I know my personality is soft and trample-able, I'm usually afraid to get very close to people I know could take advantage of that. So I've wound up coupled (in medium to long term relationships, at least) with other submissive types, typically. This might explain a bit about why your husband likes you so much---he can see the dominant parts, and be thrilled that he's with a brilliant and strong woman---but instinctively he knows you are very kind and caring, and would never do anything to push him more than he could bear, or actually hurt him. So be flattered by that!

So, as far as doing it---when I had a partner who liked being pegged, it was really easy for me to flip into "top" mode, because there was a very visible cue that I was "supposed to be in charge." And I just had to remind myself, "he wants me to be confident," and when you're just starting out, start with simple things like telling him which position to be in, where to lick/worship/whatever your body, or telling him not to cum yet, or yes cum now. If your husband is not into being pegged, you could probably convince your brain to respond in a similar way---when the cuffs are out, you're in charge. Or something similar.

And, when you're starting new things---once you take off the cuffs (or whatever else), spend a lot of time cuddled up with your husband. If he wants to talk immediately about how much he liked it, have the discussion then. If not, talk the next day. But cuddle a lot and reestablish that your relationship is still the same no matter what gets explored during sex. Everyone talks about safe words, few people recommend that for new BDSM players, but I think it's important.

Okay, that was a full essay. Let me know if you have more questions!
07/24/2011
CafeSabroso CafeSabroso
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
I have a lot of thoughts I can share, Ivy, but I'm not too sure which ones will be most helpful, so I'll just toss a few of the thoughts on top out, and if you have questions, just ask me further!

First, to answer one question, I read ...
Great response! Wish I could upvote or some such thing. Post of the week?
07/24/2011
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by CafeSabroso
Great response! Wish I could upvote or some such thing. Post of the week?
Aw, thanks Cafe! I'm glad if I could be helpful at all, I'm still sort of learning all these ropes myself. Which aspects are you learning about?
07/24/2011
Kkay Kkay
If you're new, start small. You don't have to jump straight into having him hog-tied and caning him.
07/24/2011
M121212 M121212
I've been reading Midori's book "Wild Side Sex" (yes it's available on EF), and you might find some of the essays interesting. There's one that I just read about how to tap into your inner Femme Dom. It was about sourcing your actions from some of the core ideals you see in Femme Dommedom rather than putting on an outside act to fulfill the perceived desires of another.
07/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
I have a lot of thoughts I can share, Ivy, but I'm not too sure which ones will be most helpful, so I'll just toss a few of the thoughts on top out, and if you have questions, just ask me further!

First, to answer one question, I read ...
Thank you, Antipova! That was an extremely helpful post.

I'm now glad that "The Mistress Manual" was out of stock, it sounds like it's not exactly what I need at this point.

I really appreciate the insights into your experiences in wanting to be dominated. It made me think about some things about myself and about my husband that should prove helpful as we explore BDSM or rather just S&M.

You've given me a lot to think about, and I want to take some time to write out my response. This is turning into a really a fascinating exploration of my psyche and my husband's.

But it's very late and I'm really tired right now, so I'm going to go to bed and let my mind stew on things for a while. I'll probably have something more to post after I've rested and thought about what you've said.

Thanks again.
07/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Kkay
If you're new, start small. You don't have to jump straight into having him hog-tied and caning him.
Don't worry. I plan on being careful. Hubby helped me pick out what to order, but we will probably not use all of it right away.
07/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by M121212
I've been reading Midori's book "Wild Side Sex" (yes it's available on EF), and you might find some of the essays interesting. There's one that I just read about how to tap into your inner Femme Dom. It was about sourcing ...
That sounds like something I could definitely use, I will put in on my wish list. Thanks!
07/25/2011
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by M121212
I've been reading Midori's book "Wild Side Sex" (yes it's available on EF), and you might find some of the essays interesting. There's one that I just read about how to tap into your inner Femme Dom. It was about sourcing ...
I might check this one out, too. Thanks for the tip, Miss V!
07/25/2011
newfoundlust newfoundlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
I have had an interesting sexual and emotional history that makes it very hard for me to understand why someone would want to be tied down and whipped, paddled, spanked or dominated in any way. However, my husband is very obviously turned on by the ...
Simple. Tie him up and spanking him. Start slow and ease into it. Neither of you is going to get hurt. Relax and have fun w each other. I
07/25/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Thanks again everyone for your advice and suggestions. I actually did a little bit of spanking play with my husband earlier tonight. I used the purple fur slapper that he helped me pick out from EF.

I was a little tentative at first, but I kept a close watch on him, and he very OBVIOUSLY enjoyed being whipped. Once it was apparent that he really was enjoying himself, I relaxed more. And you know what? I actually enjoyed it too. When he was about ready to pop, I stopped spanking him, and we had very enthusiastic sex. We cuddled and talked about things afterward and he is looking forward to our next session.

There is still a niggling part of my mind that thinks it's wrong to deliberately hurt someone. But when it is so visibly apparent that he is enjoying himself, it makes it easier to ignore that part of my brain.

I'm still a little worried about things, but I think that's just my normal anxiety response to anything new or unexpected.

I really appreciate all the support all of you have shown. Thank you so much!
07/27/2011
newfoundlust newfoundlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
Thanks again everyone for your advice and suggestions. I actually did a little bit of spanking play with my husband earlier tonight. I used the purple fur slapper that he helped me pick out from EF.

I was a little tentative at first, but I ...
"There is still a niggling part of my mind that thinks it's wrong to deliberately hurt someone."

Ivy, the thing is you are not really hurting him. Spanking him, especially with a fur slapper, is really just a sensation on the skin. Think about sensations you enjoy: Perhaps your nipples squeezed, fingernails down your back, etc. The nerve endings tell you and him what is pleasureable. Further, because he wants it, it is no causing him pain in the sense that you are thinking. Rather, it is causing him pleasure. You two just enjoy each other and explore; that is why you are married, to trust each other and explore pleasure with each other with complete honesty and openness.
07/27/2011
Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
Read up on it, and try to acclimate yourself with the idea. It's easier if you push the "ow that must hurt/are you ok" feelings out of your head too.
07/27/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Thanks Newfoundlust and Sex'n'Violence. It really helps to get reassurance from those who are more experienced.
07/27/2011
Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivy Wilde
Thanks again everyone for your advice and suggestions. I actually did a little bit of spanking play with my husband earlier tonight. I used the purple fur slapper that he helped me pick out from EF.

I was a little tentative at first, but I ...
I'm gonna have to say that there's certainly a difference between a service top (or someone who tops people because the people they top enjoy it) and a dominant. But there is no reason anyone can't learn, if they so choose, to be either/or.

This idea that no one can learn to be a dominant is ridiculous. Perhaps an "alpha" personality is something someone either has or doesn't, but while many submissives seek out alphas, alphas aren't the only people with dominant tendencies. Neither are they the only ones capable of dominating.

As for your guilt, we are taught from birth that hitting is bad. Hurting someone is wrong. No one ever enjoys being hurt. It's natural for us to have trouble going against that.

We're adults now. We make our own rules. The rest of the world can pretty much go fuck themselves if they don't like it.

Glad to hear you had so much fun. Hope you continue to enjoy yourself! And don't worry. You'll get over your issues with topping soon enough, I'm sure.
08/04/2011
Ivy Wilde Ivy Wilde
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray
I'm gonna have to say that there's certainly a difference between a service top (or someone who tops people because the people they top enjoy it) and a dominant. But there is no reason anyone can't learn, if they so choose, to be ...
Thanks Rayne!
08/05/2011
Vanessa Weiss Vanessa Weiss
Sounds like your foray into spanking went really well.

As long as you're both enjoying yourselves at a pace you're both comfortable with, exploring something new and a little "naughty" together can be a lot of fun. Broadening your horizons and stretching your boundaries a little bit can be really hot!
08/06/2011
Total posts: 22
Unique posters: 11