Resistance fantasies--do you have them?

I've read many times that both men and women commonly have resistance fantasies--or rape fantasies, though I know that's a heavy word to toss around. I'm curious about the gender split on this fantasy, and which roles each gender typically play in this fantasy.

The poll is obviously private, but if you want to share your thoughts or experiences, that would be very welcome.

I'll start by saying that I'm a woman, and I've fantasized to various degree about resisting a man who has lost control of his lust for me, being overpowered by him, and resisting and struggling the whole time. My man and I have toyed with this idea, and have just now decided that we really want to try this(with a strongly enforced safe word, of course).

Now, let me make this clear. I in NO WAY condone rape, take rape lightly, want to be raped (a contradiction of terms), or feel anything but repulsed by rapists. I have never been a victim of sexual assault, and would never dream of acting out this fantasy with anyone I didn't trust 110%. And just like I don't expect people to think that having this fantasy means that I want to be raped, I don't think that having this fantasy as a man means that you actually want to rape someone, or would even be capable of it. So while I encourage discussion about this, it would be great for people to remain respectful and open-minded. Of course, I expect nothing less from you guys. less

I've read many times that both men and women commonly have resistance fantasies--or rape fantasies, though I know that's a heavy word to toss around. I'm curious about the gender split on this fantasy, and which roles each gender typically play in this fantasy.

The poll is obviously private, but if you want to share your thoughts or experiences, that would be very welcome.

I'll start by saying that I'm a woman, and I've fantasized to various degree about resisting a man who has lost control of his lust for me, being overpowered by him, and resisting and struggling the whole time. My man and I have toyed with this idea, and have just now decided that we really want to try this(with a strongly enforced safe word, of course).

Now, let me make this clear. I in NO WAY condone rape, take rape lightly, want to be raped (a contradiction of terms), or feel anything but repulsed by rapists. I have never been a victim of sexual assault, and would never dream of acting out this fantasy with anyone I didn't trust 110%. And just like I don't expect people to think that having this fantasy means that I want to be raped, I don't think that having this fantasy as a man means that you actually want to rape someone, or would even be capable of it. So while I encourage discussion about this, it would be great for people to remain respectful and open-minded. Of course, I expect nothing less from you guys. less

Yikes. This should've had a trigger warning on it.

I do appreciate that you took the time at the bottom of your discussion piece to state what your intentions are and all. That made my heart stop pounding as hard.

To be frank, I'm repulsed by someone who would fantasize about being the rapist/the ATTACKER. This is coming from someone who was raped and nearly killed to beat it all, so that's why I'm just really not happy to hear about this whole "rape play" it's hard to be on this side. I know you probably understand that and each time this poll is brought up here, there are those of us who were unfortunate enough to be attacked, so some have strong feelings toward hearing someone who's never had to know how bad it is say they play it. It IS making light of rape. I mean, let's face it. IT IS. But that's whatever. If you like that, I don't understand it and dang sure don't want to understand it since I have had to understand enough of rape, but I don't have a problem with someone wishing that on themselves. Heck, it kind of just makes me think well, when there are so many girls who want it to happen, why do some of us who didn't want it, have to go through it. But that's just a what-if. We could make millions of what-ifs.

But I do disagree about one thing. Fantasizing about raping, forcing yourself on a person, stealing something precious to them, damaging them, and leaving them in fear for probably most of their lives (to some extent) is the very way a rapist starts out. I've researched rapists for years in hopes of coming to some kind of understanding for my own self, and that is how it all starts: a fantasy. So yes, if you can fantasize about raping someone, you have potential to do it. You start out with the fantasy of raping, it continues until you feel this "uncontrollable" urge to do it. That is exactly how a rapist's attacks begin. Almost every time.

No person who's never thought about raping someone walks down the street, sees an attractive human and suddenly rapes them. There is a beginning.


I hope that everyone will take some time to look more into it. If you're think is wanting to be raped or enjoying the "fantasy" as it goes, fine. It's nothing to me, but if you're fantasizing about doing such an ILLEGAL, harmful act to a person, you truly need to seek help and recognize what's going on. Only rapists fantasize about doing such a dispicable thing to someone's life. less

"Ravishment Fantasy" or "Ravishment Play" is one of the most common, no, THE most common female fantasy.

There are HUGE difference between "Ravishment Play" and actual rape. Rape is a horrible, degrading act, in which someone is humiliated and has NO control over the act nor the outcome. NO woman (I doubt) actually fantasizes about real rape.

However, the term "Ravishment" is commonly used (and certainly better than the use of the incorrect word "rape") in that in ravishment the person being ravished has ALL or MOST of the control. I can't stress how important that one sentence is. I'm going to say it again; In Ravishment Play, the person being ravished has all or MOST of the control.

Some of us have actually used Ravishment Play to HEAL from sexual trauma. Many who have never faced sexual trauma still fantasize about ravishment. No one is quite sure, but the cultural edict that women are not "supposed to want or like sex" seems to play into this. (A lot of

Catholic and Evangelical women (as well as others) fantasize about Ravishment a LOT, why? Our cultures make sex out to be dirty, and a woman wanting sex to be even worse. The mind then wanders to "well, what if I'm not to blame?" This line of thought (although it's often subconscious) usually ends up with some sort of Ravishment fantasy.

NO woman wants to be raped. Of course not. Ravishment is a way to stay in control but pretend to give up that control. (Probably a good reason why having a Safe Word during Ravishment Play is necessary, especially if one has had sexual trauma in the past.)

Some women never experience Ravishment fantasies, and that's OK, too. Everybody handles their issues differently, and women tend to know what works for them by trial and error. I would never suggest to an other woman "You should try Ravishment Play, it's very healing." if she expressed no interest in it. Likewise, no one who prefers NOT to experience Ravishment Play should judge those of us who do enjoy this fantasy play, or judge our reasons why. No matter which side of the play we are on. Many men (and a few women) experience being the Dominant in Ravishment Play. That doesn't make him a rapist. It's just fantasy, most men who experience and play Ravishment would never dream of actually harming a woman, but the VERY different Ravishment Fantasy has a certain appeal. NO ONE should feel bad about those feelings, as long as they are practiced with CONSENT with an other. Likewise, no one has the right to judge someone else's sexual fantasies in any way.

Most men who have Dominant fantasies or even act Dominantly during sexual play NEVER rape nor want to rape anyone. Thinking so is narrow minded and judgmental. Many couples experience Power Dynamic play, and saying that every man who is a natural Dom is a rapist is... borderline ridiculous. Perhaps every rapist who raped someone thought about it first but every man who has sexually Dominant thought does NOT become a rapist. That's the old First Wave Feminist thought that ALL men are rapists.... and they simply aren't... that kind of thinking is misoandrist, and as unfair as misogynist thought.

People heal in different ways, and I think we all need to respect what works for each individual woman, man or otherwise. Judging someone elses inner thoughts (ie, sexual fantasies) may put one into a very precarious position, and I don't recommend doing so particularly if you intend on growing and maturing as an adult human being.

Fantasy is just that. less

Yikes. This should've had a trigger warning on it.

I do appreciate that you took the time at the bottom of your discussion piece to state what your intentions are and all. That made my heart stop pounding as hard.

To be frank, I'm repulsed by someone who would fantasize about being the rapist/the ATTACKER. This is coming from someone who was raped and nearly killed to beat it all, so that's why I'm just really not happy to hear about this whole "rape play" it's hard to be on this side. I know you probably understand that and each time this poll is brought up here, there are those of us who were unfortunate enough to be attacked, so some have strong feelings toward hearing someone who's never had to know how bad it is say they play it. It IS making light of rape. I mean, let's face it. IT IS. But that's whatever. If you like that, I don't understand it and dang sure don't want to understand it since I have had to understand enough of rape, but I don't have a problem with someone wishing that on themselves. Heck, it kind of just makes me think well, when there are so many girls who want it to happen, why do some of us who didn't want it, have to go through it. But that's just a what-if. We could make millions of what-ifs.

But I do disagree about one thing. Fantasizing about raping, forcing yourself on a person, stealing something precious to them, damaging them, and leaving them in fear for probably most of their lives (to some extent) is the very way a rapist starts out. I've researched rapists for years in hopes of coming to some kind of understanding for my own self, and that is how it all starts: a fantasy. So yes, if you can fantasize about raping someone, you have potential to do it. You start out with the fantasy of raping, it continues until you feel this "uncontrollable" urge to do it. That is exactly how a rapist's attacks begin. Almost every time.

No person who's never thought about raping someone walks down the street, sees an attractive human and suddenly rapes them. There is a beginning.


I hope that everyone will take some time to look more into it. If you're think is wanting to be raped or enjoying the "fantasy" as it goes, fine. It's nothing to me, but if you're fantasizing about doing such an ILLEGAL, harmful act to a person, you truly need to seek help and recognize what's going on. Only rapists fantasize about doing such a dispicable thing to someone's life. less

Thank you for stating this. I agree with you 100%, and I feel that it is extremely unfair to say that people who fantasize about this, especially a man who is the aggressor, makes him a rapist. There sure must be a lot of rapists in the BDSM community, then. The difference between fantasy (where consequences such as damaging and scarring another human being in the most despicable way is non-existent, to say nothing of legal and social implications) and actually doing it, are two completely different things. less

"Ravishment Fantasy" or "Ravishment Play" is one of the most common, no, THE most common female fantasy.

There are HUGE difference between "Ravishment Play" and actual rape. Rape is a horrible, degrading act, in which someone is humiliated and has NO control over the act nor the outcome. NO woman (I doubt) actually fantasizes about real rape.

However, the term "Ravishment" is commonly used (and certainly better than the use of the incorrect word "rape") in that in ravishment the person being ravished has ALL or MOST of the control. I can't stress how important that one sentence is. I'm going to say it again; In Ravishment Play, the person being ravished has all or MOST of the control.

Some of us have actually used Ravishment Play to HEAL from sexual trauma. Many who have never faced sexual trauma still fantasize about ravishment. No one is quite sure, but the cultural edict that women are not "supposed to want or like sex" seems to play into this. (A lot of

Catholic and Evangelical women (as well as others) fantasize about Ravishment a LOT, why? Our cultures make sex out to be dirty, and a woman wanting sex to be even worse. The mind then wanders to "well, what if I'm not to blame?" This line of thought (although it's often subconscious) usually ends up with some sort of Ravishment fantasy.

NO woman wants to be raped. Of course not. Ravishment is a way to stay in control but pretend to give up that control. (Probably a good reason why having a Safe Word during Ravishment Play is necessary, especially if one has had sexual trauma in the past.)

Some women never experience Ravishment fantasies, and that's OK, too. Everybody handles their issues differently, and women tend to know what works for them by trial and error. I would never suggest to an other woman "You should try Ravishment Play, it's very healing." if she expressed no interest in it. Likewise, no one who prefers NOT to experience Ravishment Play should judge those of us who do enjoy this fantasy play, or judge our reasons why. No matter which side of the play we are on. Many men (and a few women) experience being the Dominant in Ravishment Play. That doesn't make him a rapist. It's just fantasy, most men who experience and play Ravishment would never dream of actually harming a woman, but the VERY different Ravishment Fantasy has a certain appeal. NO ONE should feel bad about those feelings, as long as they are practiced with CONSENT with an other. Likewise, no one has the right to judge someone else's sexual fantasies in any way.

Most men who have Dominant fantasies or even act Dominantly during sexual play NEVER rape nor want to rape anyone. Thinking so is narrow minded and judgmental. Many couples experience Power Dynamic play, and saying that every man who is a natural Dom is a rapist is... borderline ridiculous. Perhaps every rapist who raped someone thought about it first but every man who has sexually Dominant thought does NOT become a rapist. That's the old First Wave Feminist thought that ALL men are rapists.... and they simply aren't... that kind of thinking is misoandrist, and as unfair as misogynist thought.

People heal in different ways, and I think we all need to respect what works for each individual woman, man or otherwise. Judging someone elses inner thoughts (ie, sexual fantasies) may put one into a very precarious position, and I don't recommend doing so particularly if you intend on growing and maturing as an adult human being.

Fantasy is just that. less

Kendra, I first of all want to say, I am sorry for what happened to you, and I am not going to pretend that I know what it's like to go through what you went through. I can only imagine. I thought I was being careful about not triggering people by referring to this fantasy as a RESISTANCE fantasy in the title, and I hoped that would be enough for people who didn't want to participate in this discussion for fear of it triggering something to not click on it. My intention is not to conjure up horrible memories and feelings for people who have been through trauma--my intention was to have a discussion about a taboo fantasy that, like it or not, is EXTREMELY COMMON. It's common not just among women who have never been the victim of sexual assault, but among women who HAVE BEEN RAPED. As P'Gell said, there are women who have explored these FANTASIES with caring, trustworthy and loving partners in order to heal from those past sexual traumas. The one roleplaying the resister is in control when this fantasy is enacted responsibly with clear expectations. Taking control of a situation that simulates one where you had no control can be empowering and positive.

I don't appreciate you indicating that I take rape lightly, or that my boyfriend is a rapist waiting to break free because of this fantasy. That's very judgmental and narrow-minded. While I understand where you are coming from, I don't think that gives you the right to make such sweeping judgments about other people's fantasies, thoughts, imaginations, and desires. I also think you have a very simplified view of how rapists start out; that no one who has never fantasized about rape walks down the street, sees an attractive person, and starts raping them. While I've been fortunate enough to never have been in this situation, I've had close friends and family members who have been victims of sexual assault, complete with being with them through legal trials and prison release dates that triggered awful memories and fear of their attacker coming after them as revenge--and it never starts out that way. Rape is about control, not finding someone attractive and wanting them really badly. I'm sorry, but your whole premise on how rape happens is ridiculous.

Okay, let me state it again: I DO NOT TAKE RAPE LIGHTLY, AND I DO NOT CONDONE IT IN ANY WAY. You can disagree with me, but don't make assumptions about my character or my boyfriend's character for our sexual fantasies, please. less

I have to applaud all of you for keeping this together as well as you have. Rape versus rape fantasy is a very controversial view point and both sides have valid arguments to them.

It's not uncommon for BDSM to be seen as consenting to abuse; it's hard to sway someone who believes this to be true regardless of the research behind it.

That being said, there's a difference between stating one's own beliefs while reserving judgment and stating one's beliefs while issuing blanket stereotypes on everyone who has ever had a rape/ravishment/resist ance fantasy.

Leveling the label of rapist on someone who has never committed rape is just as damaging as being raped. It should never be tossed about heavily in a serious context without supporting evidence. less

"Ravishment Fantasy" or "Ravishment Play" is one of the most common, no, THE most common female fantasy.

There are HUGE difference between "Ravishment Play" and actual rape. Rape is a horrible, degrading act, in which someone is humiliated and has NO control over the act nor the outcome. NO woman (I doubt) actually fantasizes about real rape.

However, the term "Ravishment" is commonly used (and certainly better than the use of the incorrect word "rape") in that in ravishment the person being ravished has ALL or MOST of the control. I can't stress how important that one sentence is. I'm going to say it again; In Ravishment Play, the person being ravished has all or MOST of the control.

Some of us have actually used Ravishment Play to HEAL from sexual trauma. Many who have never faced sexual trauma still fantasize about ravishment. No one is quite sure, but the cultural edict that women are not "supposed to want or like sex" seems to play into this. (A lot of

Catholic and Evangelical women (as well as others) fantasize about Ravishment a LOT, why? Our cultures make sex out to be dirty, and a woman wanting sex to be even worse. The mind then wanders to "well, what if I'm not to blame?" This line of thought (although it's often subconscious) usually ends up with some sort of Ravishment fantasy.

NO woman wants to be raped. Of course not. Ravishment is a way to stay in control but pretend to give up that control. (Probably a good reason why having a Safe Word during Ravishment Play is necessary, especially if one has had sexual trauma in the past.)

Some women never experience Ravishment fantasies, and that's OK, too. Everybody handles their issues differently, and women tend to know what works for them by trial and error. I would never suggest to an other woman "You should try Ravishment Play, it's very healing." if she expressed no interest in it. Likewise, no one who prefers NOT to experience Ravishment Play should judge those of us who do enjoy this fantasy play, or judge our reasons why. No matter which side of the play we are on. Many men (and a few women) experience being the Dominant in Ravishment Play. That doesn't make him a rapist. It's just fantasy, most men who experience and play Ravishment would never dream of actually harming a woman, but the VERY different Ravishment Fantasy has a certain appeal. NO ONE should feel bad about those feelings, as long as they are practiced with CONSENT with an other. Likewise, no one has the right to judge someone else's sexual fantasies in any way.

Most men who have Dominant fantasies or even act Dominantly during sexual play NEVER rape nor want to rape anyone. Thinking so is narrow minded and judgmental. Many couples experience Power Dynamic play, and saying that every man who is a natural Dom is a rapist is... borderline ridiculous. Perhaps every rapist who raped someone thought about it first but every man who has sexually Dominant thought does NOT become a rapist. That's the old First Wave Feminist thought that ALL men are rapists.... and they simply aren't... that kind of thinking is misoandrist, and as unfair as misogynist thought.

People heal in different ways, and I think we all need to respect what works for each individual woman, man or otherwise. Judging someone elses inner thoughts (ie, sexual fantasies) may put one into a very precarious position, and I don't recommend doing so particularly if you intend on growing and maturing as an adult human being.

Fantasy is just that. less

I have to applaud all of you for keeping this together as well as you have. Rape versus rape fantasy is a very controversial view point and both sides have valid arguments to them.

It's not uncommon for BDSM to be seen as consenting to abuse; it's hard to sway someone who believes this to be true regardless of the research behind it.

That being said, there's a difference between stating one's own beliefs while reserving judgment and stating one's beliefs while issuing blanket stereotypes on everyone who has ever had a rape/ravishment/resist ance fantasy.

Leveling the label of rapist on someone who has never committed rape is just as damaging as being raped. It should never be tossed about heavily in a serious context without supporting evidence. less

I definitely agree with you about throwing the rapist label around--that's a serious accusation, and it's...upsetting to have it slapped on someone you love and care about, and know is a good person who would never destroy a person like that. My kinks have slowly come out over the course of a year with my SO, and it took time for them to evolve into what they are, because I've been with men in the past who I tried some light BDSM with, but were the absolute wrong people to do it with--controlling, manipulative, and ultimately disrespectful men. I got out of an awful, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with someone before I finally moved away and found my current guy--and the level of trust and respect we have for each other has been such a relief, and our sexual relationship has been a way for me to heal from my previous relationship; I don't feel paralyzed with paranoia and fear of other people's true intentions anymore, and I've learned to trust again. It's a wonderful feeling.

When we confessed to each other that we both had this fantasy, it was like an even bigger breakthrough. We both had the, "you might be horrified, but..." qualifier in the conversation, only to be, well, touched that we'd both put so much trust in each other in order enact this fantasy. It's liberating to be with someone like this, and the intimacy we share has been very meaningful and rewarding to me. I would never accuse him of being a closet rapist. While we were discussing the boundaries of enacting the fantasy, I told him that I didn't want to be called really degrading names during the act (I used cumdumpster as an example, and he laughed saying, "I've never even heard of that term before.") He agreed not to, and I told him that the fantasy wasn't him being hateful towards me, and he got serious and said, "I'd never hate you or want to degrade you in any way. Never." I believe him, and I know him well enough, and been through enough with assholes in the past, to know that I should believe him.

My point is, I think it takes a lot of courage to admit to having fantasies or sexual interests that many people don't understand, despite, as you said Stormy, the research behind it. I also think it takes a healthy level of communication and trust in a relationship to be able to be open about these things. I don't expect everyone to have this fantasy, or to be comfortable with acting it out--I wouldn't even support it if someone was going to go ahead and do it with a partner they don't completely trust, or if it hasn't been talked out and planned in detail well beforehand. But I've spent long enough feeling like there's something wrong with me because of my sexual tastes, and feeling guilt for acting any of it out because I was with disrespectful men who didn't care about me, you know? I don't like sexual shaming--it can be really devastating. I try to be understanding of people with kinks, tastes and preferences that I don't have, even if I don't understand them or have no interest in it myself. As long as no one gets hurt (I mean, really and truly hurt), then I think it's positive to embrace our sexuality in its entirety. I also think that you can't, and shouldn't censor the mind--guilt and repression is never a positive thing. Understanding yourself by exploring yourself and using discretion in your behavior is a much healthier, and liberating way to live your life. less

I definitely agree with you about throwing the rapist label around--that's a serious accusation, and it's...upsetting to have it slapped on someone you love and care about, and know is a good person who would never destroy a person like that. My kinks have slowly come out over the course of a year with my SO, and it took time for them to evolve into what they are, because I've been with men in the past who I tried some light BDSM with, but were the absolute wrong people to do it with--controlling, manipulative, and ultimately disrespectful men. I got out of an awful, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with someone before I finally moved away and found my current guy--and the level of trust and respect we have for each other has been such a relief, and our sexual relationship has been a way for me to heal from my previous relationship; I don't feel paralyzed with paranoia and fear of other people's true intentions anymore, and I've learned to trust again. It's a wonderful feeling.

When we confessed to each other that we both had this fantasy, it was like an even bigger breakthrough. We both had the, "you might be horrified, but..." qualifier in the conversation, only to be, well, touched that we'd both put so much trust in each other in order enact this fantasy. It's liberating to be with someone like this, and the intimacy we share has been very meaningful and rewarding to me. I would never accuse him of being a closet rapist. While we were discussing the boundaries of enacting the fantasy, I told him that I didn't want to be called really degrading names during the act (I used cumdumpster as an example, and he laughed saying, "I've never even heard of that term before.") He agreed not to, and I told him that the fantasy wasn't him being hateful towards me, and he got serious and said, "I'd never hate you or want to degrade you in any way. Never." I believe him, and I know him well enough, and been through enough with assholes in the past, to know that I should believe him.

My point is, I think it takes a lot of courage to admit to having fantasies or sexual interests that many people don't understand, despite, as you said Stormy, the research behind it. I also think it takes a healthy level of communication and trust in a relationship to be able to be open about these things. I don't expect everyone to have this fantasy, or to be comfortable with acting it out--I wouldn't even support it if someone was going to go ahead and do it with a partner they don't completely trust, or if it hasn't been talked out and planned in detail well beforehand. But I've spent long enough feeling like there's something wrong with me because of my sexual tastes, and feeling guilt for acting any of it out because I was with disrespectful men who didn't care about me, you know? I don't like sexual shaming--it can be really devastating. I try to be understanding of people with kinks, tastes and preferences that I don't have, even if I don't understand them or have no interest in it myself. As long as no one gets hurt (I mean, really and truly hurt), then I think it's positive to embrace our sexuality in its entirety. I also think that you can't, and shouldn't censor the mind--guilt and repression is never a positive thing. Understanding yourself by exploring yourself and using discretion in your behavior is a much healthier, and liberating way to live your life. less