Getting around gender issues with pegging.

Brian Brian
So I was talking with my wife today and I finally found out her issue with pegging is that she feels it's like I'm the female and she's the male. Does anybody have any advice on how to respond to this? We're Christians so things like watching a porn movie together or things of that nature are out. Also if there are any woman that had issues with this and have since done it, I'd love to hear what changed to make you more comfortable with it. I know there are some woman who are into the gender bending stuff but obviously my wife isn't and I'd like advice on how to address this thanks.
08/29/2010
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Owl Identified Owl Identified
I guess you could direct her to this discussion, it might be helpful.
08/29/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
I guess you could direct her to this discussion, it might be helpful.
Thanks sex lies and law. The only thing I can see with that is it's directed at men feeling gender confused not woman. Thanks though.
08/29/2010
Kindred Kindred
Here's a good article posted in another thread by ScottA on gender issues in pegging: link. I thought it was a great read.
08/29/2010
SydVicious SydVicious
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
Thanks sex lies and law. The only thing I can see with that is it's directed at men feeling gender confused not woman. Thanks though.
I think Sex, Lies & Law is referring to that fact that maybe your wife thinks you are, because you want her to take the traditionally "male" role. Maybe showing her the polls and comments from other men stating how they enjoy it as well, will comfort her somewhat.
08/29/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by SydVicious
I think Sex, Lies & Law is referring to that fact that maybe your wife thinks you are, because you want her to take the traditionally "male" role. Maybe showing her the polls and comments from other men stating how they enjoy it as ... More
Mmmm good point. I guess I need to clarify with her whether it's the gender issue because of her thinking I may be gay or just the gender issue over all.
08/30/2010
ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
Mmmm good point. I guess I need to clarify with her whether it's the gender issue because of her thinking I may be gay or just the gender issue over all.
I wouldn't be surprised if it's the gender issue for her - our gender is a very strong part of our identity. What she's doing is linking her gender with the presence or absence of something between her legs, not something impossible to understand because what is one of the first things you do with a baby? Yep, look between its legs...

What you might want to try is to think of ways that separate her femininity from her physical configuration at the time. I'd recommend going in with some examples of how she can still be very feminine while wearing a dildo, and then as a couple think of some more ways. You might also want to come to her with some ways you can still be masculine while being pegged to reassure her.

The article cited in the other thread is pretty informative, but from some of his other posts it is pretty obvious that the author is rather atheistic and appears to be a bit hostile to religion - although the type he notes is more of the hellfire-and-brimstone -and-everything-right- wing kind.
08/30/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
I wouldn't be surprised if it's the gender issue for her - our gender is a very strong part of our identity. What she's doing is linking her gender with the presence or absence of something between her legs, not something impossible to ... More
Thanks Scott. You don't happen to have any ideas with separating her femininity from her physical configuration? One thing I was thinking was perhaps if she's wearing some sexy lingerie while she's doing it, maybe that would make her feel more feminin. Beyond that I'm not sure what else you can do.
08/30/2010
ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
Thanks Scott. You don't happen to have any ideas with separating her femininity from her physical configuration? One thing I was thinking was perhaps if she's wearing some sexy lingerie while she's doing it, maybe that would make her feel ... More
Your penis doesn't really "make you a man", does it? While there are some things that are connected (for instance the idea that men (although this really focuses on younger boys) pee everywhere), and there are some things connected with hormones which are connected to "physical configuration" (i.e. beards, low voice, etc.) there is much that isn't connected to genitalia at all. Look at the people with gender identity disorder, for instance the cases of people who were born male but for some reason their genitals were damaged in infancy. I'm not an expert here, but I recall hearing that while they were raised female they never quite felt that they fit in. Gender isn't all connected with the presence of certain anatomical structures.

How this applies to you: The lingerie is a good idea. Also think about non-physical expressions of gender. Your wife's behavior, thought processes, emotions, etc. Think of ways she can let her femininity shine through even with the Nexus on. Also, when you finally get around to pegging don't expect her behaviors to match yours. She might at some point want to be more "in control", but it's very likely that she'll be more comfortable if you can find a way that she can be more like the way she is during other sexual activity (if that sentence makes any sense whatsoever).
08/30/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Your penis doesn't really "make you a man", does it? While there are some things that are connected (for instance the idea that men (although this really focuses on younger boys) pee everywhere), and there are some things connected with ... More
That makes sense Scott. I know I've read about where you can start with the guy on top so that the girl isn't having to do as much work and as you're saying with being more in the position she is used to having sex. I'll have to do some more thinking about it but what your saying makes sense.
08/30/2010
SydVicious SydVicious
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
That makes sense Scott. I know I've read about where you can start with the guy on top so that the girl isn't having to do as much work and as you're saying with being more in the position she is used to having sex. I'll have to do ... More
I think that is a great idea. Also you might try having her pick out a pretty, girly style harness like this one
08/30/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by SydVicious
I think that is a great idea. Also you might try having her pick out a pretty, girly style harness like this one
hmm that's true. The only issue with that might be price. I was planning on getting the latigo harness since it seems to have pretty good reviews and is pretty cheap. I'm wanting to start with a double dildo (the Nexus Maximus) since my thought was that making it pleasurable should be the #1 goal but then again if I can't get her to wear it 'cause of the gender issues then she'll never know if it will feel good or not.
08/30/2010
ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
hmm that's true. The only issue with that might be price. I was planning on getting the latigo harness since it seems to have pretty good reviews and is pretty cheap. I'm wanting to start with a double dildo (the Nexus Maximus) since my ... More
Why don't you get the Latigo and then take some time to customize it and make it special for her. You can use patches (using that iron-on sticky stuff if you don't want to sew), fabric paint, rhinestones (probably talk to a craft store about how to attach them to nylon webbing - you don't need to be more specific than that) or the like?
08/30/2010
shepegs shepegs
First off, she will feel very disconnected because she is not receiving any direct pleasure from pegging. Secondly, it can be a bit shocking for some people to learn about pegging. It is not for everyone. I think you guys should talk about it, take it slow and if it is something she doesn't want to do, well then try some other sexy thing to do.

It just may not be for her at all.
08/30/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Why don't you get the Latigo and then take some time to customize it and make it special for her. You can use patches (using that iron-on sticky stuff if you don't want to sew), fabric paint, rhinestones (probably talk to a craft store about ... More
LOL "you don't need to be more specific than that" the only thing I can see with that is that the back panel will be taken out since she'll be using it with the Nexus Maximus. Not a bad idea with personalizing it though.
08/30/2010
SydVicious SydVicious
Quote:
Originally posted by Brian
hmm that's true. The only issue with that might be price. I was planning on getting the latigo harness since it seems to have pretty good reviews and is pretty cheap. I'm wanting to start with a double dildo (the Nexus Maximus) since my ... More
With the double ended toys of that type, you can also use it on her as a dildo and use the portion that is for the "wearer" as a handle. You know what I mean? That way it's not just a strap on. You can use the toy on her to warm her up to it. Also, you might try using the harness on her. Strap on her favorite dildo and use it on her, that way you are the "man" and you are strapping on as well... know what I mean?
08/30/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by SydVicious
With the double ended toys of that type, you can also use it on her as a dildo and use the portion that is for the "wearer" as a handle. You know what I mean? That way it's not just a strap on. You can use the toy on her to warm her ... More
Both great ideas Sid. I've actually thought of both of those as ways to ease into things. Basically making it so the items aren't just for one use and that it can be used either way that the toy itself is asexual and using it doesn't change who you are as a man or woman. Thanks for reaffirming these ideas. I'll have to at least try using the maximus on her. I'm not sure what she'd think about the harness used on her but might be worth trying. Thanks for all the helpful advice everyone.
08/30/2010
Yoda Yoda
I can relate Brian. My wife and I are also Christians, and the journey towards comfortable inclusion of pegging into our sexual repertoire has been one of trial, error, and much communication. It sounds like your wife and I have had similar issues, and what it took for us to resolve them was this: My wife needed reassurance that she was the object of my desire. See, for a while, when pegging was still new to us, I think I overdid it in trying to convince her to try, and I showed very little interest in our usual, but otherwise awesome lovemaking. She was afraid that my interest in her was disappearing. On top of this, she had never heard of pegging, and the notion of wearing a strapon made her feel humiliated at first. She doesn't watch porn, but all of this made her feel like I wanted to insert her into my own male pornographic fantasy. It was just too much new stuff, too soon. Eventually, though, I realized that I had been neglecting her and her needs, and I felt awful. So I started a new approach. We talked about exactly what we both wanted and why, and we agreed that new things sometimes need easing into, without sacrificing the tried and tested (and not to mention more meaningful) sex we'd always enjoyed together. Also, I never let my various fantasies take priority over her. She always knows that she is my world, and the other stuff is just extra.
10/07/2010
Brian Brian
Quote:
Originally posted by Yoda
I can relate Brian. My wife and I are also Christians, and the journey towards comfortable inclusion of pegging into our sexual repertoire has been one of trial, error, and much communication. It sounds like your wife and I have had similar issues, ... More
Thanks for the input Yoda. I always try to make sure she feels like she's being taken care of. Honestly she doesn't have much of a desire for sex at all. It feels good when she actually does it but until we're actually doing it the drive isn't there. She realizes that she can get caught in a rut real easily doing the same thing over and over again and in September she really caught me off guard with a 180 on her attitude towards sex in general. I'm not sure what caused it but since then she's been a lot more open to things and while we still haven't gotten to pegging yet, I'm patient. I have to save up for a harness so that gives some more time for her to get used to the idea. Even when we do get it I'm not going to force her to do anything. It's when she's comfortable enough to do it. Always good to hear from another Christian's point of view.
10/08/2010
Fishie Princess Fishie Princess
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Your penis doesn't really "make you a man", does it? While there are some things that are connected (for instance the idea that men (although this really focuses on younger boys) pee everywhere), and there are some things connected with ... More
I think you make an excellent point when you say that "Gender isn't all connected with the presence of certain anatomical structures." I agree entirely.

However, I would just like to gently point out that the example you mention of gender identity disorder is not actually an example of GID (gender identity disorder) at all. GID is a diagnosis used to label individuals who feel that their gender is not in line with the parts they were born with. For instance, my girlfriend is transgender and has been diagnosed with GID. She was born with, and continues to have a perfectly normal penis but strongly identifies as a woman. She moves through the world as a woman, and in most ways is the same as any other woman.

The phenomenon you reference is much like the book "As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised a Girl"(which is based on a heartbreaking true story). David was victim to horrible medical decisions, but his experiences are not representative of most transgender people nor did he fit the diagnostic criteria of GID.
10/10/2010
Beaners Beaners
Quote:
Originally posted by SydVicious
I think that is a great idea. Also you might try having her pick out a pretty, girly style harness like this one
I know this is old, but I just wanted to say yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, on feeling feminine in the Mia-Z harness. That's one of the things that I love about, and I wrote about it in my review of it.

Although it does sound like there are bigger psychological workings at play here, rather than just the harness is too manly. Unfortunately, I can't chime in as far as that goes because my boyfriend and I get really into role reversal. But it sounds like from your other posts, Brian, that you've made some progress as far as this situation goes, so congratulations and good luck.
12/06/2010
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Unique posters: 9