Defense of Kink

BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
I have to say that, when it comes to kink, I'm fairly "white chocolate." (I'm not vanilla, but my kinks don't get too involved, don't run too deep, are fairly basic... however you want to phrase it...)

Anyway, as a survivor having posted my own story in a survivors' blog, I know a fair amount of survivors. I realize that there are a lot of triggers for us. That said, tonight I had a survivor friend post a picture found on Pinterest of a woman getting "suffocated." I put this in quotes because, needless to say, this was a picture that was, well let me just show you:



It's obviously staged. Regardless. There are 10 bajillion (exaggeration) comments about it being psychotic, criminal, evil, horrible.

I've entered into a HUGE rant over there about the difference of consensual and nonconsensual acts during sex. That this is, obviously (because she looks *SOOO* distressed) a consensual act. And that there's nothing wrong with BDSM. I'm trying to go about it in an educating, "let me enlighten you on what's going on here" manner, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad for being turned off by it, but I'm getting frustrated that people are so quick to immediately assume "Non-Consensual" for something that is so, very obviously, a consensual act. (Just remind me not to go to an art exhibit with any of them)

Do you find yourself dispelling the myths of kink too?
01/04/2012
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Just shutting the conversation down. I touched the waters with my mother about Dom/sub relationships and she went into a rant about there being something psychologically wrong with people who practice it. Needless to say, I do not refer to my boyfriend as 'Master' in front of her. And she sure as hell doesn't know about my BDSM collection.

(In her defense, she had been sexually tortured as a child [to the point of needing surgery be fixed] and cannot understand how anyone can even play during sex.)

I admit to feeling discomforted by the photo, mainly because it looks like her neck is broken (I guess it's the shadows). But I do see your points about the obvious non-terror vibe.
01/04/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
It is the shadows. I didn't even notice that perception. Thanks for pointing that out.

I wasn't disquieted by the picture, but I wasn't aroused by it either. I'm fairly neutral on it.

That's very sad about your mom.
01/04/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
anyone else?
01/06/2012
Ansley Ansley
I only discuss things like this with like-minded individuals for this very reason. People are way, way too sensitive these days and it seems like most just look for a way to be offended. While it's great that you want to educate, you can't educate someone who is unwilling to learn. It's probably just going to be a huge waste of time and a stressor that you don't need.
01/06/2012
Vanille Vanille
I only really talk about kink to other kink-minded people.

However I talk to the very occasional 'nilla and their most comment misconception is that kink is abuse. -sigh- While I love trying to educate, I mostly fall on deaf ears.

Don't need that stress.
01/06/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Just shutting the conversation down. I touched the waters with my mother about Dom/sub relationships and she went into a rant about there being something psychologically wrong with people who practice it. Needless to say, I do not refer to my ... More
I can also point out that people who have rigid set ideas about BDSM and have also been abused can get almost frantic in their fear/flight reactions....I don't mean abused in a surprise manner such as date rape or even just one rape (I know the effects are devastating and affect your entire life, jus' sayin') but those unfortunate souls who have been used as a sexual punching bag or even worse. It is almost unfair to assert that there IS a difference when you have never been given the chance to say no. I can understand the fear from a visceral level. My father is a violent alcoholic and in my early world there was no such thing as "social drinking". Even the smell of certain types of alcohol would make me want to puke, crawl into a closet and hide.
I guess what you're running into is that visceral reaction and it isn't meant to be anything but a warning though it comes across as a threat or even outright sneering, cutting remark. I have learned that when you get such an off the wall reaction to something YOU know isn't harmful that it says more about the objector than it does about you. Hell Iwas told that God would surely hate me forever without end for my views on Polyamory....and then double for actually daring to BE poly. This from an otherrwise gentle woman who preached that God could and does forgive ANYTHING. Turns out her Dad had killed her mother brutally and in front of her for a supposed infidelity and he was a serial cheater himself. Yes it hurt to be berated and cursed at but after a very wise mentor of mine put it into perspective I was able to walk away from the argument with my dignity intact.
I have given up on trying to dispel myths and just lead by example. I will answer questions politely phrased and only as long as the person seems to genuinely want to hear what I have to say. There's no point in beating my head against a wall because I simply don't value the single moment of bliss just after I stop! I have had more success by just quietly doing what I do and being as kinky as I like than I did by trumpetting my values and duking it out.

I like the picture from an artistic point of view andbecause I like forceful sex...but it is also a bit disturbing in many points. TO me, that makes it a successful piece of work. It leaves the viewer feeling something and isn't easily dismissed.
01/06/2012
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
This photo, in particular, didn't strike me as non-consensual but I felt the hues given to it are supposed to suggest she's already dead and that's a little weird.

Kink, like sex toys, I only discuss in like-minded company.
01/06/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I can also point out that people who have rigid set ideas about BDSM and have also been abused can get almost frantic in their fear/flight reactions....I don't mean abused in a surprise manner such as date rape or even just one rape (I know the ... More
Thanks for your thoughts, Airen.

There is a part of me that wonders, however, how much of the reactions were true reactions to the image, and which were "If I don't say this is disgusting, I won't look like a good enough person." Just from a sociological/psycholog ical perspective, not actually accusing any of them of "following the herd" (so to speak).
01/06/2012
MeliPixie MeliPixie
I too am a survivor of sexual assault, and I can tell you honestly, though it took me a long time to get to this point, things that used to be triggers for me no longer are, at least most of the time. I mean, watching movies that involve a woman (pr honestly a man) being raped, if I don't know it's coming, will disturb me still, but generally I have it under control and have finally mostly moved on. I can tell you right now, people will always think that kink is bad, at least in our lifetimes. Even though this is clearly consensual, and sexy as hell to boot. There's nothing wrong with kink or BDSM, and it's too bad most of the world can't see that.
01/08/2012
Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
I'm a sexual assault and physical abuse survivor, but I have to honestly say that i only have a clinical understanding of "triggers". I'm lucky in that I wasn't affected by the attacks the way most people are. I have some social issues, but I was never devastated. The idea that something BDSM-related or that looks non-consensual on the surface could be "triggering" was lost on me until someone explained her triggers to me. So when I say "That's obviously consensual and isn't triggering at all." it doesn't mean much.

So there's that.

As for dispelling myths, I'm doing it constantly. Some people just like to be beat. Others just like to do the beating. And what better way than in a consensual kinky relationship? So when "vanilla" (for lack of a better description) people around me are talking about kink in a negative light, I'm the first one to open my mouth.

The media's got no problem lying about kink and portraying it in a negative light on daytime and primetime television. I've got no problem talking about it with strangers.

I'm still cautious what I say, how I say it. I want to make damn sure the people I'm talking to will make no mistake. I don't want anyone to have even the slightest inkling that I'm in the relationship I am by force. But I talk about it. It's the only way to open the eyes of those with open minds.
01/09/2012
jedent jedent
i have always been the one to educate in my circles since high school.

the picture above looks like a painting to me.
01/09/2012
Dusk Dusk
I try and dispell myths as much as I can and educate other people about kink. I think it's important.
02/11/2012
FruityCloudPuff FruityCloudPuff
Quote:
Originally posted by Vanille
I only really talk about kink to other kink-minded people.

However I talk to the very occasional 'nilla and their most comment misconception is that kink is abuse. -sigh- While I love trying to educate, I mostly fall on deaf ears. ... More
Most people I've mentioned it too seem wary and claim they understand or can see the appeal, but I can always tell they look at me a little funny after that. I generally just don't talk about it to anyone except close friends or people who I know are already into such things.
03/05/2012
FruityCloudPuff FruityCloudPuff
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray
I'm a sexual assault and physical abuse survivor, but I have to honestly say that i only have a clinical understanding of "triggers". I'm lucky in that I wasn't affected by the attacks the way most people are. I have some social ... More
I agree, letting people know about it is good, even if they do look at you a little oddly afterwards.
03/05/2012
FruityCloudPuff FruityCloudPuff
I do all the choking, bondage, whipping, all of that is delightful. My boyfriend has bruised me up a little from pushing me around during sex, and I have no problem with being pushed or forced down, as I don't think anyone who hears about it should either. Bruises are a mark of an awesome sexual experience. I have a friend who enjoys getting slapped, but it's personally uncomfortable for me to be actually hit, but I definitely understand it and have an open mind for it. I accept all kinks, and I feel more people should have a better understanding of them.
03/05/2012
Love Bites Love Bites
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I have to say that, when it comes to kink, I'm fairly "white chocolate." (I'm not vanilla, but my kinks don't get too involved, don't run too deep, are fairly basic... however you want to phrase it...)

Anyway, as a ... More
Yes, at times.


It's hard, because people only see it as violence. I let my partner slap me around in the bedroom. That's not domestic abuse. I allow my partner to "force" me to do stuff. It's consensual non-consent.

Sometimes, people become annoying with how close minded they are.
04/16/2013
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 12