#EdenLit - (04.2012) Third person perspective - Little Spoon

Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
(I hope I did this right!)

Little Spoon

There was a sense of urgency in her wanting. She begged to feel the warmth of his skin on hers. She wanted more than just a touch; she wanted intimacy. She longed for their bodies to mingle and intertwine with each other. She asked him to share the night with her. As she looked up at him with her eyes of amber, he brushed aside her hair and said, "maybe later, Love."

Her wanting grew more and more with each passing hour but he didn't want what she did. She couldn't help but feel that his love for her wasn't as strong as hers for him. As the night grew cold and dark, she grew weary of the waiting game and gave up. "Another night," she thought. They laid in bed together, backs facing each other, and they fell asleep. The next morning she tried waking him with a kiss on the neck. She slowly moved her hand from his shoulder, and down his arm to reach his hand. She squeezed it, tighter than she realized, out of frustration due to their lack of passion. She wanted more than anything to nibble on his ear and make him want her, but somehow she knew that it would be a wasted effort. Before he woke, she rolled out of bed and headed downstairs to begin her daily routine.

Moments later, while she stood in the kitchen making coffee, he came up behind her and put his chin on her shoulder. "Good morning, hun," he said in his groggy voice, "did you sleep well?" She lied to him and said yes, when really she tossed and turned, thinking of reasons that he might not want to be with her, intimately. Maybe he no longer found her attractive. Maybe he was getting what he needed from somewhere else. She tried to shake the thoughts, as she knew that he was faithful. She turned to him and touched his face with her silky soft hands, "I love you," she proclaimed and proceded to kiss him gently. It was just her nature to try to seduce him in a sense and with this kiss, she was trying the same. She could feel the butterflies in her own stomach. Her heart was racing as she placed her other hand on the opposite side of his face and held her lips on his. He pulled back and acted as if he didn't know what she was after. She wondered again if he really loved her.

The day went on; he went to work and she stayed home to care for the house. She had plenty of time to wonder and worry. He came home that night and all of the worry came to the surface. The tears started whelling in her eyes and she could no longer hold back. "Why don't you want to be with me anymore?" she sobbed. "You touch me, but you won't be with me. You tell me you love me, but you don't show it!" He wiped a tear from her eye and pulled her in close, "I try to show it every day, hun. I hug you, I hold you, I lay with you at night. I kiss you, and I tell you I love you whenever I get the chance. This is me telling you how much I care. I don't need to be with you to show you I love you. Sex just isn't that important to me."

Something in her seemed to click that night. So often she has paired love and sex, sex and love, that eventually the two became one. She thought back to the day before when he brushed the hair out of her eyes, or that morning when he asked how she slept. He loved her; he just shows it differently. As they laid in bed that night, he snuggled up close behind her, and whispered in her ear, "I love you Little Spoon," and for once, she truly believed him.
04/10/2012
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js250 js250
Excellent story!! I love the dual meanings--she equates love & sex, he equates love and the small intimate touches. Great melding of the two at the end!!
04/11/2012
ScarletFox ScarletFox
Oh I loved it! Great story, I really loved the ending. I know I have had those feelings myself.
04/11/2012
Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
Thanks guys! Is there anything that you DIDN'T like about the story? I could use some constructive criticism with my writing.
04/12/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
Thanks guys! Is there anything that you DIDN'T like about the story? I could use some constructive criticism with my writing.
First off you did amazingly well with the third person perspective. You were omniscient narrator and you handled it very well.

I did notice that you tend to change tense as though you began a sentence and then changed your mind about how to phrase it. This is very common and we'll cover that in another month or so. I would suggest that you read your work out loud after a few hours or even days have passed. Sometimes we can hear when the tenses are subtly off before we can actually see the fact.

You followed a logical story progression and presented your ideas in a very simple way that allowed me to actually picture what your character was going through. I'm hoping this isn't based on real life but it was, never the less, real and vital.

The editor in me did notice some grammar errors but all in all it was an amazing third person perspective work!
05/09/2012
Sangsara Sangsara
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
First off you did amazingly well with the third person perspective. You were omniscient narrator and you handled it very well.

I did notice that you tend to change tense as though you began a sentence and then changed your mind about how to ... More
I'm new to eden lit (first post!) and I think you are an awesome editor/guidance person/mentor (um are those last two the same things?)
I can't wait to write again it's been a long time (I haven't been in college since 95 and only started journal writing again in the last few years and haven't been lately so I'm SOO excited. plus I ALWAYS used to write little erotic paragraphs and pass them to my friends. I'd love to try it again
05/10/2012
Sangsara Sangsara
Lickable I thought your story did an awesome job portaying what its like when one partner doesn't feel close enough to want or be able to have sex and the other wants to have sex because they don't feel close enough!
05/10/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sangsara
Lickable I thought your story did an awesome job portaying what its like when one partner doesn't feel close enough to want or be able to have sex and the other wants to have sex because they don't feel close enough!
~Agreed and also the really gut wrenching feeling of not knowing WHY your partner doesn't want the same things you do...or with the same intensity.
Building an erotic language between lovers takes time and can be very exciting and scary. Very well done!
05/11/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sangsara
I'm new to eden lit (first post!) and I think you are an awesome editor/guidance person/mentor (um are those last two the same things?)
I can't wait to write again it's been a long time (I haven't been in college since 95 and only ... More
Awww thanks! I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting and getting your imput.
05/11/2012
Woman China Woman China
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
First off you did amazingly well with the third person perspective. You were omniscient narrator and you handled it very well.

I did notice that you tend to change tense as though you began a sentence and then changed your mind about how to ... More
I second and echo Airen darling's comments. I also feel that your story was a wee bit rushed. Slow down and smell the morning coffee and breathe watching the sun rise (metaphor) while you write erotica.

I did really enjoy your imagery here, the sensual nature of your work. But for me, it felt quite rushed. I look forward to your next peice!
05/14/2012
Cedarlooman Cedarlooman
It was a good first story. A little rushed, yes, but then who among us hasn't done the same thing? Take your time, explore the emotiins and actions more and you will do fine. It was third person to start, but read and felt like a first persn to me, mainly because his thoughts weren't expressed. But crawling into the opposite partner's head is a difficult task!
05/14/2012
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 7