#EdenLit - (02.2012) Open Topic - Time to Change the Station

Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Next month, I get the "privilege" of going back "home" - to my mom's home - in Northern Maine...and clean out her apartment. The time has finally come when she needs to go someplace where she can get more care - and as the only child - the responsibility falls to me to go up and clean out her apartment and bring her cat home to live with us.

I have mixed emotions about it. My mom has Alzheimer's. She's only had the diagnosis for 2 years but I suspected it 8 years ago. At times she's been more needy and dependent upon me and at other times her abuse and harsh words have come more frequently. I've been told to kiss her ass and that she regrets that I was ever born. She regrets adopting me. She thinks I killed her cat even though I was 3,000 miles away.

Alzheimer's is a terrible thing to face - because bit by bit you lose the person you love as you watch them come apart -even if you live thousands of miles away. Someone once described it as having a radio station that you love to listen to but suddenly, the reception starts to become very staticy and you lose reception. There are days when you can hear that station clearly...and other days when you might hear one or two notes from a favorite song amidst a bunch of noise that makes no sense at all. You long for the days when the static is gone and your favorite music is there again and you don't change the channel for fear of losing it completely.

Since coming to Eden Fantasys a few months ago, I've learned that the channel I listened to all those years ago - that taught me to embrace shame and judgment - was not the one I should have listened to. Still yet, I've held onto it - like a "golden oldie" because I was scared to switch the station and lose that which was known and comfortable. I've been working hard at it and doing quite well.

But now that I have to go home next month and see her once again, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll accept that station as "normal" again. I'm scared I'll embrace shame once more and hold it close.

Cleaning out her apartment will bring back many memories - like the sheets I stained by masturbating and she never let me forget it. Yes, they're 40 years old now and she still has them and uses them and never lets me forget that I ruined them.

I think I'm going to burn those sheets.

I keep trying to think of a way to end this - to make this a good story instead of just an entry where I want to sit down and cry.

But perhaps - crying is what I need. Perhaps I need this trip home now - to clean out the cobwebs of those memories which have cluttered my mind. Then I can return home a new woman - ready to embrace the rest of my life and more forward - shame free.

All I know is - it is definitely time to change the station and stop trying to listen to what she has to say to me. Fortunately, it won't be long until she doesn't remember me - and that will make my life easier. Sounds horrible - but oh so true.
02/27/2012
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underHim underHim
I cant imagine what you are going through having to handle this as an only child. Know that the shame you still hold onto has no merit and the actions you did that she found to be shameful are normal and I cant even imagine what happened in her childhood where she was so humiliated by the thought of sexuality, even innocent masturbating. I cannot help but think of the movie Kinsey and his interactions with his father who attempted so hard to supress his sexuality. Have you seen it? If not I highly recommend it. I think especially given your situation, you would find it very moving. Good luck!
02/27/2012
BobbiJay BobbiJay
Quote:
Originally posted by Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Next month, I get the "privilege" of going back "home" - to my mom's home - in Northern Maine...and clean out her apartment. The time has finally come when she needs to go someplace where she can get more care - and as the ... More
All I want to do is give you a hug right now. No child should ever be treated that way. Just from reading your reviews and posts i can tell you are a sweet, kind and loving person. I am sending tons of love and hugs your way. xxxxx
02/27/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this and you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some peace when you go back.


My husband's grandma is in the last stages of dimensia and is going to die any day now. Her brain doesn't even know how to chew food anymore. My mother-in-law fed her some adult baby formula in the morning for breakfast and it was still in her mouth at bedtime.
02/27/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Next month, I get the "privilege" of going back "home" - to my mom's home - in Northern Maine...and clean out her apartment. The time has finally come when she needs to go someplace where she can get more care - and as the ... More
You would think it would make it easier when she no longer remembers you but it doesn't. Your analogy is so very apt but you also forget that it's like a broken telephone as well...you LONG to be able to reply to the damning words and shaming manners but no matter how loudly you scream your hurt and frustration you can't ever be heard.

See my damning voice and rage/pain response would be to cut out the stain in the sheets and make a pillow with the stain featured prominently and place it in her room...or perhaps keep it in my home as a reminder of how stupid it is to hold onto completely unimportant stupidity. Burning them would be rational...but I was raised with an irrational radio program playing clearly. Yes, I do like that analogy.
In my own life there is nothing so precious that I would hold a forever grudge against my child for losing, breaking or ruining. I flushed a ring of my Mother's down the toilet when I was four...how did I get a precious ring worth so much money in the first place? Well, it was left on the back of the toilet! Still, it was MY fault for playing with it and not hers for leaving it where it would get played with! So yes I know what you mean.

My kids have broken keepsakes I had for years that I cannot now even remember what they looked like...stained just about everything I own, and all I can say is Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to have these precious little reminders that I am a Mom. Nothing is so precious that a simple "I'm sorry" can't fix.

I wish you strength and hope you have a loving support system for when you face this horrible task. God bless and keep you close to His heart during this time...remember you are NOT alone, not worthless and we are so grateful that you were born and brightened our lives.
~Namaste
02/27/2012
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Thank you everyone - I sort of "free-wrote" that this morning on here - feeling overwhelmed I guess by the idea of going back to Maine (I grew up in CT. but have relatives up there) and closing up mom's apartment.

I don't want folks to get a totally horrible idea of my mom. I have good memories too - she handmade me clothes for my Barbie dolls that matched my clothes that she made me. She oftentimes took me to the park when it was hot and sat on the bench (she didn't care for the rides) and let me play for 2-3 hours in the hot sun when it wasn't the most comfortable for her. When dad left, she made sure to come home sometimes and take me for bike rides on the weekends so I wouldn't be so lonely (she was in her 50's and riding five miles at a time - now that I'm 50 I can't do even one mile!).

She tried her best to be a good mom and she did a lot of things right. I want to celebrate those things while I put the bad behind me.

It's just sort of hard knowing that the radio station (using my analogy) will soon be silent. We haven't talked in over a year - at my choice. From what I understand - she can barely get out of her chair and has very limited mobility.

I know that when I go to see her...it will be the last time I see her alive. That's an interesting feeling knowing that.

Anyway - I'm not really sure why I shared it here - I think I just needed to get it "out there" somewhere - that the station is going away...whether or not I choose to change the channel.

I don't want to go home - not because of the work (although that is part of it) but because part of my biggest support network to becoming the best "me" I can be - has been Eden. So many of you who have read my reviews and commented and who have read my threads - have helped me grow and accept myself. I'm about to start an "underwear-aholic" thread in the lingerie area 'cause this site has developed me into a "lingerie-aholic" and "underwear-aholic" and whereby I never had any cute stuff cause I didn't feel like I'd ever look sexy - now I don't care about how I look - I just get them for ME because they make me FEEL sexy.

Anyway - thanks for letting me vent in a way...
02/27/2012
NurseKitty NurseKitty
I think we all have these sorts of moments. I recently had to go home and deal with seeing my family again and we have not always had great memories, the house I grew up in as a child is falling apart but my mother is too selfish and scared to sell it and move on. We fight all the time and she can be very poisonous, so I know what you are feeling. I was scared too that I would "revert" back to that place where I was before, but instead I found that I didn't and instead was able to take what I have learned about myself and that I didn't need to "be strong" but instead was comfortable in who I am now. That was the biggest surprise to me, because I have worked so hard to get here that it was so easy not to go back.

I would say be strong, but that is redundant. To have had the strength to change and break away from the shame and judgment means you ARE a strong person, and you will be amazed with yourself when you realize that those "golden oldies" are not so comfortable anymore and that you have no desire to even think about going back to those ways.

Just remember, you have changed things will be different.
02/27/2012
wildorchid wildorchid
HUGS! If I were able to, I'd come give you a hug. I know it's sad and scary and overwhelming, but there will be peace in the end;p for you and your mother. I'm sure, somewhere in a lost part of her mind, she loves you dearly. Alzheimer's is a terrible thing witness and deal with. I doubt your mother ha any idea of some of the things she has said to you while under its affliction. As for your past, it is just that. You can't forget it; you shouldn't forget it. Learn from it, accept it for what it was. Accept your mother for who she was; whether you see it as wonderful or somehow flawed. Then let it go. Our pasts shape us as much as our present does.

If you need to cry my dear, then cry. There is nothing wrong with crying! It is cathartic and healthy. Say goodbye and come home and live your life. Just promise us all that you will not waste your new found freedom from this experience and from Eden. Live and love happily and fully and know that you are a wonderful, beautiful person no matter what anyone has said or will say in the future.

We clearly love you, you clearly love all of us and the incredible Eden community. I believe I speak for all of us when I say that we will always be there for you.

Virtual Hugs From Canada!!!!
02/27/2012
wrmbreze wrmbreze
I know how you feel. I am not an only child but the only girl so I know that this will fall on me simply because my brothers won't even think that they need to help. Well, one might. He's the one who when he goes on vacation, takes mom with him while the other two just mooch off of her. What has helped me is that I call her just to hear her voice. We talk about everything. Even though we have had really bad times between us, she is still my mommy and I love her. Just keep in mind when you go, TexasMama, that she tried! Some people just give their kids away rather than deal with any adversity. Your mom stayed and did the best she knew how. I agree with the poster above that said there was probably something in her life that made her react to you about the stain the way she did. Just remember the good times you had together and do what needs to be done. Then Turn the radio OFF. This makes me sad that you have to deal with this "alone" although I know you aren't really alone because you have your husband and your daughter. Maybe when all of this is said and done, hug your daughter and tell her you love her no matter what. If I were near you, you would get the biggest hug EVAH! Your mom must have done something right for you to be the caring person you are on here to virtual strangers. You welcome newbies and help them, give them advice even when it doesn't benefit you to do so. I tip my hat to you Dear Lady!
02/28/2012
Destri Destri
I, too, send a hug. I am an only child as well, and my upbringing was so toxic that a therapist once told me that I was raised in a house of horrors. My mother died some years ago, and I had to go through her house and deal with things alone. That was when I discovered that she was a secret hoarder... that was a shock!

Anyway, I never cried a single tear when she died, at her funeral or later, and I now regret that. Cry, it helps.

We can't be with you in reality, but we are with you in spirit. You have friends, people who care about you, here. Feel free to contact me if you need a shoulder or someone to vent to. And if you let it, eventually that radio will turn off... mine did.
02/28/2012
mpfm mpfm
Hugs and prayers to you, Hot & Sexy. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. But, you are strong. I sense you have an unshakeable faith that will guide and sustain you through this. Facing family or childhood issues isn't always easy, but you can come through it even stronger. Ignore the voices of shame or guilt and remember the voices of love.

When I have something unpleasant to do, I always say it's time to put on my Big Girl Panties and just do it. For you, I think it appropriate to switch that to Hot & Sexy Panties. You've gained a newfound confidence. Enjoy that despite the tasks ahead.
02/28/2012
indiglo indiglo
I can definitely relate to what you're saying. Currently dealing with this issue with my grandmother, and some days she's kind and caring, while other days you can't do anything to make her happy. It's getting worse, as these diseases always do, and it is sad to see them stop taking care of themselves, stop being themselves, and stop resembling the person we've known for years.

Of course, it sounds like you have some other issues to deal with regarding your mom, and obviously you can't have those deep, healing conversations with her now.

Remember, you are still the same you regardless of what anyone says to you or does to you - even if the person doing it is someone you love, or not. Remember that tears are not a sign of weakness, sometimes in fact they're a sign of the strength that's keeping you from coming apart at the seams. Remember that the past has no power over your present unless you allow it. And remember that you now have the wisdom and strength of a woman, the resources of an adult, and the knowledge that you can handle a lot more stuff than you could when you were a child.

This website is a collection of essays, and while the general topic is addiction recovery, they include some very profound (and very rational) life principles that can apply to almost any situation. Feel free to give a few of them a read, there's one on guilt and resentment that's fantastic, one on fear, and another on anger. They're quite thought-provoking and also very empowering.

Wishing you the best on your journey.
02/28/2012
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Short update - mom just got approved yesterday for permanent nursing home care....which means sometime in the next 30-45 days, I will be making the trip home. I am currently looking at the budget, etc. to see when I can best afford it (her birthday is April 5th so trying to see if I can tie it in with the trip home).
03/02/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I sense I will be going through something similar very soon. (My mother not only forgets things but "remembers" things that never happened, and all of them are things that degrade myself or my father... hmmmm.)

Hugs to you. I am glad she has a place in a home so that that will be off your mind.

As for those fucking sheets. Burn the fucking things and move on. She may have been a frigid guilt ridden woman, but you need to clean that poison out of your mind and soul. Keeping those sheets in any way, which is what SHE did, only lets the poison metastasize and become more poisonous. Those sheets and what they stand for have done enough harm. Let them go.

Good luck on your journey. I'm an only child, too (my brother is the adopted son of my step father) and I do am not looking forward to when I am in your place, but it has to be done.

Be strong. Come back home with your dignity, your sanity and your healthy sexuality firmly in place.
03/02/2012
PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Aww, so sorry to hear you have to go thru this. I know it is hard but you will make it. Glad she got approved. I hope you have a safe trip back home. It is hard being away from home so long I moved to Ohio and have not been back to Massachusetts since and I been here since "09".

Alzheimer's is the worst thing to ever have to go through. My mom is still young yet, but I am sure when the time comes since I am the oldest out of my brothers that I will be the one taking care of her. They are still irresponsible even for themselves.
03/02/2012
Woman China Woman China
Alzheimer's and dementia is one of the worst things to watch someone go through. I've been there, I've lived through it. It is such a terrible thing for just for the one going through it, but those that are left watching.

My heart goes out to you.
03/02/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Knowing what you know now I bet you won't burn those sheets...or maybe burning them will bring a different sort of peace?
05/16/2012
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Unique posters: 14