#TheMood - #Sexis - My Favorite Mood for Love? Selfishness

Ansley Ansley


My Favorite Mood for Love? Selfishness. - Click the link to read the full article.

If you can’t remember the last time you made out on a hard surface because you were too aroused to wait, then it’s time you reacquaint with your sexual selfish side.

If I have to describe my hierarchy of love it goes as follows: I love myself first, followed by my love and commitment to my husband. After that comes my dedication to my children, whom I would protect with my life if need be.


- TinaMarie Bernard



It's only recently become a mantra in some psychological circles - to tell the patient to put themselves above everyone else when it comes to fulfilling healthy needs, wants, and desires. Yet, somehow or another women get shoved into the backseat and are expected to take care of everyone else's needs first, especially if they have children.

It never fails that in the two minutes of alone time a busy mom has, just as she's reaching for her favorite toy, the phone rings. Or the family pet knocks something over. Or UPS shows up with a "signature required" slip in hand. Lovely, isn't it? She tucks the toy away, sighs to herself and thinks maybe later. Or maybe, she never has the thought at all. Maybe she has suppressed her sexual desires so far down that she doesn't even have those thoughts to begin with.

This isn't the case in every relationship or life. There are, of course, a lot of sex positive people out there in the world and most of them have paired up with someone or at least had one serious relationship. We have quite the sex positive community here among us. Most of us would say that as long as it's safe, sane, and consensual that it's a-okay in their book. Right?

What about our friends and other loved ones who don't know that it's okay to address their sexual concerns and desires - where do they turn? If you were to find out that a friend's spouse or partner had no desire to help hold the fort down while she received a little bit of pleasure or encouraged her to get off by herself every once in awhile, what advice would you give to her?

How would you handle a situation where your partner, or your friend's partner, strictly forbids toys in the relationship?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Would you offer advice to a friend who needed a little more vroom in her step?
Airen Wolf
1
Yes, I would gently point out some of the things that have worked for me.
Airen Wolf , Ansley , OhMy! , Beck , aliceinthehole , Rayne Millaray , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , Stinkytofu10 , BiLikesSciFi42 , collifornia , Katelyn , padmeamidala
12
Maybe, it really depends on the friend.
Sammi , OhMy! , Owl , unfulfilled , Ms. N , Kindred , Ryuson , aeterno , guppiefish , karenm , PieC
11
No, it's none of my business or I don't feel comfortable doing that, but I might slip an affiliate flyer into her purse.
.
Do you agree with the order that Tinamarie has listed her hierarchy of love?
I see her point and I do agree. A woman's sexual health is important.
Airen Wolf , Ansley , Sammi , Owl , Beck , Ms. N , aliceinthehole , Rayne Millaray , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , BiLikesSciFi42 , Ryuson , collifornia , aeterno , karenm , PieC , padmeamidala
16
I see her point, but I don't agree. Sex is overrated and/or can wait.
I neither see her point, nor do I agree but I'm glad this is what works for her.
OhMy!
1
I think it's a little deeper than all of that...let me explain in the comments.
Ansley , unfulfilled , guppiefish
3
..
Do you have a hierarchy of love when it comes to yourself, your spouse, and your children?
Yes, and it is....(I'll tell you in comments)
Airen Wolf , unfulfilled , Beck , guppiefish
4
Yes, it's similar or just like Tinamarie's.
Ansley , Sammi , Ryuson
3
No, I don't really think of it in those terms. I just do what I do.
OhMy! , Owl , Ms. N , aliceinthehole , Kindred , Rayne Millaray , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , BiLikesSciFi42 , collifornia , aeterno , karenm , Katelyn , PieC , padmeamidala
14
...
Why do you think women put themselves on the backburner?
Women don't speak out enough about what they want, or don't know how, or feel guilty about it.
Ansley , Sammi , Owl , aliceinthehole , Kindred , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , Ryuson , collifornia , guppiefish , Katelyn , padmeamidala
11
It's a natural instinct. Everyone else comes first when you're a mother and a wife.
Sammi , unfulfilled , Ms. N , Kindred , Rayne Millaray , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , BiLikesSciFi42 , Ryuson , aeterno , PieC
10
I think it's just something that happens over time, I don't think it's intentional on anyone's part.
Airen Wolf , Ansley , OhMy! , Owl , Beck , guppiefish , karenm
7
Other!
Total votes: 93 (22 voters)
Poll is closed
05/11/2012
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
My hierarchy is very close to TinaMarie's:
My needs first
My needs and my partner's needs
My partners needs (both individually and as a unit)
My children (who can be slipped for a short time to the top of the list)






The rest of the world's needs.

If I knew a friend was receptive to advice and needed some "pep" I would certainly reach out and share my knowledge. I am mentoring my close friend as I write this for that reason!

Every person's sexual health is important regardless of their gender. It is important that we empower each other to seek out satisfaction with in our own personal boundaries.

I do not believe it's intentional that women put themselves last I think it's a gradual process that begins in childhood. It feels good to be a caretaker, for the most part, and you are rewarded for this behavior. It's only when you are starving emotionally that you realize how much you have given away...and what you are missing.
It becomes imperative for lovers to realize that they need to allow their partner(s) to be selfish, as in take care of themselves first in most instances. That allows freedom for each member to actively seek what they are needing so that they can come back and share what they have gained, enriching and "feeding" everyone in the home.
05/11/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
My hierarchy is very close to TinaMarie's:
My needs first
My needs and my partner's needs
My partners needs (both individually and as a unit)
My children (who can be slipped for a short time to the top of the ... More
I just simply adore your outlook on love and while polyamory isn't something I'm capable of handling at this point in time, I can see where it has definitely made a significant impact on your life. As you said before, you have one partner to remind you that you're still human and an adult person with needs when you focus too much on the kids and not enough on yourself or the relationship.

I think we've done several injustices to the world of child-rearing in the past 100 years. The first is that in order to right the wrongs we felt parents did to their grandparents and parents, people decided to spoil their children by letting them make decisions for themselves that they have no business making. Don't get me wrong, children should be free to express themselves and have their opinions noted and even implemented at some point, but to have full-tilt control - that's just as bad as having a "children should be seen and not heard" attitude.

So, we've created this world where people feel that children need immediate gratification in order to control them and make sure they don't step out of line. That just perpetuates the problem and of course putting children before your spouse is a great source of contention in marriages. When you're the center of someone's world and all of a sudden you have to share, it's jarring. I think it's a little more jarring for men to be neglected when the baby comes because they of course realize they're pregnant, but it's not the same reality as being pregnant.

Anyway...I'm getting of topic. But, it's these things and many more that have led to this mentality that mothers aren't allowed to be sexy, lustful, deviant woman once they have a child. It's either a notion they pick up from their upbringing, something they've seen in the media, or something they impose on themselves. It's terrible. And it's also part of the reason I made my decision not to have children.

I didn't want to share my husband with children, nor did he want to share me with children. He didn't want me so exhausted at the end of the day that I was incapable of caring for our needs as a couple and his individual needs. It's a conversation we've had many, many times.

I just want every woman to know that orgasms and masturbation aren't something that is restricted to the male populace of this world. You, too can have a quickie with a vibrator in the bathroom or request a little extra attention in the bedroom. Just take a deep breath, relax, and let your imagination run wild. If you're too embarrassed to say it out loud, send it in a text message or write it down on a slip of paper. Just get it out there!
05/11/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
I don't think I could have a sexual conversation with any of my lady friends. My male friends I'm just more comfortable talking about sex with.

My hierarchy is I take care of everyone first and then myself.
05/13/2012
Arch600 Arch600
During the safety demonstration after you've boarded an airplane, what do they tell you about the oxygen mask? Put your mask on first. Then help the person next to you. If you pass out, you're not going to be of help to anyone.

You have to take care of yourself first physically and emotionally in order to be in the best possible shape to help others. It feels selfish, but really, taking care of yourself first is an act of love, because it enables you to take care of those you love. Seeing you happy and healthy also makes your loved ones happy because they love you.

If you continually sacrifice yourself, your needs, your health, it will catch up to you and you will become a burden to others; they will have to take care of you. If you can't take care of yourself for you, do it for everyone who cares about you!
05/13/2012
Arch600 Arch600
Quote:
Originally posted by unfulfilled
I don't think I could have a sexual conversation with any of my lady friends. My male friends I'm just more comfortable talking about sex with.

My hierarchy is I take care of everyone first and then myself.
Funny how that works. I can't have a serious sexual conversation with any of my guy friends.
05/13/2012
T&A1987 T&A1987
Quote:
Originally posted by Arch600
Funny how that works. I can't have a serious sexual conversation with any of my guy friends.
i don't talk about this stuff offline, except with my gf. it seems too private for anyone except those involved.
05/13/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Arch600
During the safety demonstration after you've boarded an airplane, what do they tell you about the oxygen mask? Put your mask on first. Then help the person next to you. If you pass out, you're not going to be of help to anyone.

You ... More
Well said.
05/14/2012
Arch600 Arch600
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Well said.
Thank you. Now if only I could get my wife to listen....

I know, it is easier said than done! Everyone demands your time; it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos of daily life.
05/14/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Arch600
Thank you. Now if only I could get my wife to listen....

I know, it is easier said than done! Everyone demands your time; it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos of daily life.
Yeah, I wonder if it's something that people in the woman's life can help with - demand that she takes time for herself. Once again, easier said than done.

I don't have kids but when I see that my husband is wanting attention or needing something from me I try my best to drop what I'm doing and tend to him. Sometimes that lands me in hot water in other areas, but who is going to be there holding my hand when I'm on my last breath - him or the bill collectors?
05/14/2012
PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
I always have my kids first then my partner and then my needs. I am slowly trying to get out of this but it is hard.
05/14/2012
Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley


My Favorite Mood for Love? Selfishness. - Click the link to read the full article.

If you can’t remember the last time you made out on a hard surface because you were too aroused to wait, then it’s time you reacquaint with your sexual ... More
I like to recommend things to friends. That is if they are open to this topic.
05/14/2012
Arch600 Arch600
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Yeah, I wonder if it's something that people in the woman's life can help with - demand that she takes time for herself. Once again, easier said than done.

I don't have kids but when I see that my husband is wanting attention or ... More
I think family and loved ones can help to a point by supporting healthy 'me time' for the women in their lives. In the end it is up to the individual to take control of their life, however. Nobody can do it for them. We're all taught from birth that we shouldn't be selfish; that it is better to put others ahead of ourselves. Societal expectations weigh on women especially, and it is human nature to tend to needs of loved ones first. Over time, I can see how a lady could fall into the pattern without being conscious of it at all. So yes, indeed easier said than done.

Of course, there are times when placing our loved ones' interests above our own is absolutely the right thing. I think the world would be a very bad place without that particular human trait. Like all things in life, balance is key.
05/14/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Arch600
I think family and loved ones can help to a point by supporting healthy 'me time' for the women in their lives. In the end it is up to the individual to take control of their life, however. Nobody can do it for them. We're all taught from ... More
In the world that humans have created for themselves there is no such thing as balance between "me-time" & "their-time". We've created a world that operates on the demands of instant gratification. Got a question? Google it! Got a craving for really crappy foot at 2 AM - throw a rock and hit any number of fast food joints open late. Need it tomorrow? Next day air shipping! Have to talk to you right this VERY moment - text message!

Most people are either coming or going, there's very little standing still these days. I don't know if it's a cause and effect kind of thing or if it's just the nature of the beast or what...but it kind of makes you wonder what our priorities are in life. You know?
05/15/2012
Arch600 Arch600
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
In the world that humans have created for themselves there is no such thing as balance between "me-time" & "their-time". We've created a world that operates on the demands of instant gratification. Got a question? Google ... More
You're absolutely right. The world is a much more demanding, faster paced place than ever - and increasing exponentially. It is tough to carve out any 'me time'. That's where a partner, family can help by fending off the world every now and then.
05/15/2012
guppiefish guppiefish
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley


My Favorite Mood for Love? Selfishness. - Click the link to read the full article.

If you can’t remember the last time you made out on a hard surface because you were too aroused to wait, then it’s time you reacquaint with your sexual ... More
As a woman in my early 20's, it's easy to say that I'll always put myself first, but the truth is, it's impossible to know exactly who I will be 10/20/30 years from now.

There's a saying in my native language: "If there are three people walking down the road, one of them must be my teacher." Most people have good reasons for doing the things that they do, and they all have costs and benefits that you can learn from. There are clearly many women who do put themselves on the back-burner, and they have good reasons for doing so. I think it's okay to make sacrifices for your family or friends, but those choices should always be made consciously and with an understanding of what you're giving up each time you set aside your own satisfaction for someone else's.

That's my perspective.
01/04/2013
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 8