Anal Nightmare....HELP!

Wayme Wayme
I have the worst experience with anal sex and would really love to somehow make it work, since I know my partner really enjoys it. I've tried a few times and it has just gotten worse, it seems like I am tightening up more and more. Last time we try I keeled over in pain and nearly started crying. We've tried lube, but it still doesn't help.

I have a lot of issues with the pain factor and also the um pooping feeling. I have asked a lot of people if they have had the same feeling but nobody else has. I get very scared because I have had constipation issues my whole life, so I am, in lack of better words, always backed up. I get a very uncomfortable feeling like I am going to just explode all over my boyfriend. Also, I have a very small build and he is pretty well endowed.

I had the same problem when I was first starting to have sex. The pain was so intense I would cry. Now I am fine. So I'm thinking I may have the same luck with anal. I've heard so many good things about it, and would love to enjoy it as much as my boyfriend does.

So after this long explanation (sorry sorry) I was wondering if anyone has had the same problems and has found solutions. Any tips or tricks?
08/16/2009
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Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I have some similar issues with my system and am frequently uncomfortable. For me, that just means anal is off the table most of the time. On the other hand, I have found Activia to work wonders to straighten me out. I bet you're tensing up and causing that much more pain because of your GI fears so hopefully eliminating that can help you work with your pain issues, too.
08/16/2009
Britni TheVadgeWig Britni TheVadgeWig
Quote:
Originally posted by Wayme
I have the worst experience with anal sex and would really love to somehow make it work, since I know my partner really enjoys it. I've tried a few times and it has just gotten worse, it seems like I am tightening up more and more. Last time we ... More
I'm someone that has had SERIOUS issues with anal play. Here's what helped me.

First of all, STOP trying to force it. When you are not relaxed, your muscles tighten and it will hurt even worse. I cannot repeat this enough: DO NOT FORCE IT. Not only will it hurt worse, you run the risk of tearing something or really hurting yourself. It should NOT be painful.

As for the pooping feeling, it was something that I used to have, too, when first experimenting with anal play. When the only time you've ever had your sphincter opened is when you're having a bowel movement, you associate the feeling of your sphincter being opened with a bowel movement. Totally understandable. As long as you go to the bathroom beforehand, or if you're really paranoid about poop, give yourself an enema, you will NOT explode all over your boyfriend. But do try to make sure you've gone to the bathroom beforehand.

Do NOT use any numbing creams or agents. Pain is your body telling you that something is wrong and if you cannot feel anything, you also won't be able to know if something rips or tears. If it hurts, you are doing it incorrectly.

Lube, lube, lube. Use something with about the consistency of hair gel. Many people like Maximus for anal play.

Warm up first. Warm up with fingers, starting with one and then adding more. Let your ass adjust to having something in it. It's initial response may be to tighten or reject what's being inserted, but breathe, relax, and give it a second to adjust. It will. You may feel momentary discomfort, but breathe through it and your ass should adjust. If it doesn't, take it out. I'd also recommend purchasing a butt plug. Use it on your own, at your own pace, and get used to the feeling of having something in your butt. My first "real" plug was the Tantus Tulip plug, and it was perfect for me.

Relax. If you are nervous or scared or anticipating pain, your sphincter will reflexively tighten, making it not only either difficult or impossible for you to insert anything, but also horribly painful for you to do so. You really do have to relax because otherwise you are just fighting your body.

Finally, you have to want to do it. Don't do it because your boyfriend wants it. Do it because you want it. If it's not something you really want, your body will not respond in a positive way. Playing on my own with my fingers and a plug was really beneficial for me. It let me learn my own body and what I liked and could handle at my own pace, and I didn't have to worry about disappointing someone else. Play on your own and see what you like and what works best for you.
08/16/2009
deceased deceased
With anal, you got to start small. Try a glycerin suppository first..(I don't like enemas because they are messy and can give the gift that will keep on giving) it will empty the colon in 15 minutes, no cramping. Not Biscodyl, just plain glycerin. Use small anal toys like the small silk (its like finger sized). Breathe, relax, go slow, and use plenty of thick lube like Probe, KY Jelly , Maximus, or Silk Lube.
08/16/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Pretty much everything that's already been said. Emphasis on "Do not force yourself". If you aren't comfortable with it, don't feel like you * have * to do it just because your boyfriend loves it. If you are feeling pressured, whether that pressure is from your boyfriend or from yourself, it's not going to work well. Anal sex, for me, is something that feels really good only when * I * want to be having it (my boyfriend's always in the mood for anything). Otherwise, it just hurts like hell for me.

I have a glass toy that is very similar to the Sapphire Waterfall here on EdenFantasys. I have found that it is much easier to prepare myself for anal sex by first applying a finger, then two, then substituting it with the toy. It gets me to relax and accept the "pooping feeling", and since the toy gets bigger the closer to the base I get, it helps stretch me out, too. And, of course, use lots and lots of a nice, thick lube.
08/16/2009
Rockin' Rockin'
There's a lot of good info on this thread already. I'd like to add that when I'm really turned on, and am penetrating myself vaginally or when my partner is penetrating me, I can usually relax a little more than normal. I think it's the happy-good-feeling endorphins and just the overall pleasure that lets me relax more. I like to have a finger in my butt sometimes during sex, or a small toy. If you can couple introducing yourself (again) to anal play with something you already enjoy, that might make it easier for you. And, at first, don't try to go from one toy to another (or one finger to two) in one session. Just use one toy, see how you like it, then the next time, if you want to start small and then go to something bigger, do that. Get comfortable with having an orgasm with something in your butt. That's what's really helped me get used to enjoying anal pleasure and get past a lot of my insecurities about it.
08/16/2009
Angel deSanguine Angel deSanguine
Everyone on here has given great info, so I am not going to repeat it all. What I did want to do was second Rockin' with a cock in's statement that vaginal play makes it easier. If I am doing straight anal, I find it very difficult to relax, but if we start with PIV sex with clitoral stimulation and move on to anal, keeping the clitoral stim going, it is much easier because I am already worked up and relaxed.
08/16/2009
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I agree with basically all of what has been said, but would like to again stress that you REALLY have to listen to your body! I have had a terribly painful anal fissure for the past several months because I did not listen to my body during anal. I am still hopping from doctor to doctor trying to fix it. Every day I experience terrible pain and it's all because I was careless.

You can and SHOULD take as much time as you need to build up to being penetrated by your boyfriend. Use smaller anal plugs like the Flirt or Silk Small to start with; it's definitely what I wish I had done in retrospect. The great thing about plugs is they stay in and don't move around much. In my experience it's the in-and-out motion that induces that "gotta poop" feeling. Plugs should assimilate the butt to have things going in vs. coming out. And if after trying small plugs (and maybe even moving up to more medium width/length plugs if you want) you are still uncomfortable than relax. You can always go back to this experiment in the future if you feel compelled to. However, while nice, anal sex is not the end all and be all. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to get into it, in my experience it really isn't for everyone.
08/16/2009
Liz2 Liz2
All good advice. I need vaginal stimulation prior to anal penetration by my partner. I can insert a butt plug "cold" but the plug soon stimulates me.
Sometimes your ass is just not in the mood for anal, regardless..
08/17/2009
ScottA ScottA
Start with outside play - stimulate around the anus and perineum without penetration, both solo and with your partner. Get used to the sensations and learn to like them.
08/19/2009
Wayme Wayme
Thank you so much everyone for the help!! I never realized how much just relaxing can help..we have tried just anal play while I am very relaxed and it has worked out well. Thank you thank you thank you!
08/20/2009
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I have some similar issues with my system and am frequently uncomfortable. For me, that just means anal is off the table most of the time. On the other hand, I have found Activia to work wonders to straighten me out. I bet you're tensing up and ... More
That's the best answer, I think. This is how I would have responded!
08/19/2010
Lavender*Moon Lavender*Moon
Quote:
Originally posted by Britni TheVadgeWig
I'm someone that has had SERIOUS issues with anal play. Here's what helped me.

First of all, STOP trying to force it. When you are not relaxed, your muscles tighten and it will hurt even worse. I cannot repeat this enough: DO NOT FORCE ... More
This is wonderful advice. I've had similar problems as the original poster and I found this most helpful.
09/02/2010
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Lavender*Moon
This is wonderful advice. I've had similar problems as the original poster and I found this most helpful.
I agree.
10/25/2010
Total posts: 14
Unique posters: 12