My Wife Told Me Last Night She Has Cheated

Saraid

Well, if she told you then she obviously still wants to be with you. Just talk to her about it and try to understand it from her point of view -- maybe it wasn't that he was young, but it was something else. Just ask her what she thinks is missing and go from there.

Best of luck.

Reply

11/02/2009

Bill Ditchburn

(Leatherbeaten)

Couple of things spring to mind here Veggieguy. First is that your wife sounds like an honest and honourable woman who doesn't want to cheat on you. If she did, she wouldn't have told you, right? Second is that she has clearly got a smokin' hot ass! I'd be feeling pretty good about that!

My suggestion for you is to try not to brood; don't let this fester in your mind; and don't try to be twenty again. Twenty is great for some things - physical perfection, obviously - but it just doesn't cut it in other, more important areas; maturity, expertise, practical intelligence, ability to hold conversations on a range of subjects and delayed ejaculation, to name but several.

Cut your wife some slack for this. If you were approached by an attractive twenty year old woman at the gym who flattered you, would you let her suck your cock? It'd be pretty tempting, wouldn't it? Hot little mouth? And would you tell your wife afterwards?

Of course she enjoyed the sex - that's why god made it enjoyable, and I'm pretty sure you would have enjoyed it too, in the same circumstances. She hasn't done this because she's horny and unsatisfied. She's done it quite simply because she's horny. It's not because she wants to trade you in for a younger model. It's just because she was horny, and, as guys, really if we understand nothing else, we should be able to understand that...

At this point, you can let this poison your mind and possibly your marriage, you can move on and try to forget, or you can accept it and forgive. I'd recommend the latter. Tell her she's so hot you're surprised it doesn't happen every day. Try to talk about it without feeling angry at her or sorry for yourself. If you can do that, and let go of the baggage of ownership and sexual dependence on one person, you may find the image of your wife sucking some young bimbo's cock in a bathroom stall a bit of a turn on. I know I do - (mine, not yours).

Finally, if you have been looking for ways to spice up your sex life, I can't help but think your wife has just handed you one on a plate, so to speak. Don't blow it!

Reply

11/02/2009

sarahbear

As a wife, I adore my husband. I know he thinks I'm sexy and beautiful, he shows and tells me all the time. Sometimes though, it's nice to know that someone else thinks so too. Same goes for men. We all like to have our egos stroked every once in a while. Perhaps you can explore some avenues of helping her feel more attractive without needing to cheat on you to do so. Maybe having sexy pictures of herself made or writing her some sexy stories. Talk to her and ask her what would make her feel sexy.

As for the cheating, it hurts. It's going to hurt for a while. Eventually it will get easier. Each day that passes will help heal your heart. Don't blame yourself for what has happened. It's not your fault. Talk to her about everything and focus on repairing your relationship. The sex will get spicier once that is out of the way. She sounds like she wants to work things out, since she was so honest with you. I hope it does work out.

Reply

11/02/2009

MonaFry

I am sorry to hear about this. I hope everything turns out well.

Reply

11/03/2009

Adriana Ravenlust

Quote:

Originally posted by Saraid

Well, if she told you then she obviously still wants to be with you. Just talk to her about it and try to understand it from her point of view -- maybe it wasn't that he was young, but it was something else. Just ask her what she thinks is ... More

I believe this statement to be erroneous. We live in the real world and the real world is just not always that pretty. Lots of people cheat and do tell their spouses for many less-than-noble reasons. They tell them just to be hurtful or for ammunition. Hell, she could be asking for permission to do it again in an indirect way. Many people stay with their partners even when they don't want to be. Sadly, marriage is nothing more than habit for some.

To the OP:

From personal experience, I advise you both to do some serious consideration of what your relationship means to you. Do not hesitate to contact a therapist of some sort, either on your own or together. I think it's perhaps noble of you to want to be able to provide her everything she needs and while it can be achieved, you cannot do it alone and you don't want to be putting "a bandaid over a bullet hole". She has to want to as well and you have to be damned sure you get to the real root of cheating. If often is not what it appears.

I understand that it's nice to be appreciate by someone other than my husband. I have friends who might occasionally comment that they think I'm attractive but that is completely different from having sex with those people. Flattery and flirting are one thing but it's called cheating for a reason. It's not just about the sex; it's about the trust. I don't take flirting anywhere near cheating because I made a vow and that, to me, is being honest.

I feel for you because I've been there. I made the decision to work through and and we are still in the process of (re)strengthening that foundation so that neither of us has to go through a similar ordeal again. I had to know my husband truly understood what he'd done before we could move on. I'm not all people but I don't think it's as easy as some people are suggesting to pick up the pieces.

I applaud your efforts but this may not be the best destination for your solution.

Reply

11/03/2009

Juliettia

Quote:

Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust

I believe this statement to be erroneous. We live in the real world and the real world is just not always that pretty. Lots of people cheat and do tell their spouses for many less-than-noble reasons. They tell them just to be hurtful or for ... More

I believe this statement to be erroneous. We live in the real world and the real world is just not always that pretty. Lots of people cheat and do tell their spouses for many less-than-noble reasons. They tell them just to be hurtful or for ammunition. Hell, she could be asking for permission to do it again in an indirect way. Many people stay with their partners even when they don't want to be. Sadly, marriage is nothing more than habit for some.

To the OP:

From personal experience, I advise you both to do some serious consideration of what your relationship means to you. Do not hesitate to contact a therapist of some sort, either on your own or together. I think it's perhaps noble of you to want to be able to provide her everything she needs and while it can be achieved, you cannot do it alone and you don't want to be putting "a bandaid over a bullet hole". She has to want to as well and you have to be damned sure you get to the real root of cheating. If often is not what it appears.

I understand that it's nice to be appreciate by someone other than my husband. I have friends who might occasionally comment that they think I'm attractive but that is completely different from having sex with those people. Flattery and flirting are one thing but it's called cheating for a reason. It's not just about the sex; it's about the trust. I don't take flirting anywhere near cheating because I made a vow and that, to me, is being honest.

I feel for you because I've been there. I made the decision to work through and and we are still in the process of (re)strengthening that foundation so that neither of us has to go through a similar ordeal again. I had to know my husband truly understood what he'd done before we could move on. I'm not all people but I don't think it's as easy as some people are suggesting to pick up the pieces.

I applaud your efforts but this may not be the best destination for your solution. Collapse

I'm going to have to disagree with the "Honorable and Honest" comment made. From your post I've gathered that the discussion of an open relationship or even a polymonogomous one was not on the table. That it was just the two of you.

While being appreciated by others is nice and flattering there is nothing honorable about cheating on your partner. Cheating/Sex does not just happen. It is thought about and then a choice is made. The honorable thing to have done would be to take the compliment and leave it at that, despite any sort of temptation.

Obviously your wife knew when she made the choice to cheat that it would not be okay with you. People are only honest about cheating because of guilt. It's not honesty, it's a selfish attempt to make a situation that shouldn't have happened be 'okay'. It is better to know such things yes, but it's never done to really be honest.

Like Adriana I suggest that you re-evaluate your relationship and not "put a bandaid over a bullet hole". Do not be afraid to talk to a therapist. Take the time to really understand how this makes you feel and the possibility of it happening in the future since all it seemed to have taken this time was a compliment.

Reply

11/03/2009

JR

Quote:

Originally posted by Juliettia

I'm going to have to disagree with the "Honorable and Honest" comment made. From your post I've gathered that the discussion of an open relationship or even a polymonogomous one was not on the table. That it was just the two of you. ... More

yup. Agreed.

I've been cheated on. It sucks, but you have to look at the person, not the act.

Reply

11/03/2009

Victoria

(Doc Johnson)

Quote:

Originally posted by Juliettia

I'm going to have to disagree with the "Honorable and Honest" comment made. From your post I've gathered that the discussion of an open relationship or even a polymonogomous one was not on the table. That it was just the two of you. ... More

I agree with you, Julietta. Cheating in a monogamous relationship is a serious betrayal and a symptom of bigger problems. I see it as a crossroads. I think people come clean about things sometimes for selfish reasons, to lift the weight off their own shoulders, to clear their own conscious... it's what they do after they confess that shows their intentions.

Just my 2 cents.

Reply

11/03/2009

Envy

Quote:

Originally posted by Juliettia

I'm going to have to disagree with the "Honorable and Honest" comment made. From your post I've gathered that the discussion of an open relationship or even a polymonogomous one was not on the table. That it was just the two of you. ... More

Agreed. My bf and I have been cheated on but with previous relationships, not to each other. We both know how much it hurts and have said form the beginning if either of us want to move on, we tell the other, not go behind their backs. That way, things can be talked out and we can see if there's any way we can fix the problem before we split.

Another practice is we share dreams, even if we have sexual ones with a person other than each other, this way it keeps the air clean and we know what's up. Just because we have a dream doesn't mean it's bad, but I know they make me feel guilty, so I tell him, and he tells me his. We also tell each other when we've felt for someone else, like crushes and such, then we sit and work out why. He's okay with it because he says "It's not like you're doing anything with the person, you can't help the feelings."

Anyway, I agree with the whole therapist thing.

Reply

11/03/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by Juliettia

I'm going to have to disagree with the "Honorable and Honest" comment made. From your post I've gathered that the discussion of an open relationship or even a polymonogomous one was not on the table. That it was just the two of you. ... More

Your advice really makes sense but my wife is not being sincere about not seeing this guy..She has been with him twice since telling me and I found some pictures that show her on all fours with him..Originally, she told me she just gave him head a few times but these pix show her doing alot more..Plus, it is frustrating to me to see her doing anal when she always told me she was not interested..I guess she has made her decision..When I confronted her about this, she said she would break it off soon... What BS

Reply

11/03/2009

Envy

My thing is, if a person repeatedly hurts the one they love, they don't really love them. If she refuses to work with you on the matter, then all you can do is either live with it, or move on. Don't be like some trained dog and do this and that for her to win her back, because what's the point if she refuses anyway?

If therapy, talking, and all things to fix it are not working, then to put it bluntly, you need to look out for yourself, do for yourself, love yourself. YOU come first. You can't tell HER what to do, she's her own person, a human being, just like she can't tell YOU what to do.

Reply

11/03/2009

sarahbear

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

Your advice really makes sense but my wife is not being sincere about not seeing this guy..She has been with him twice since telling me and I found some pictures that show her on all fours with him..Originally, she told me she just gave him head a ... More

If she's not willing to completely cut ties with the other guy, there's not anything you can do to fix your marriage. There can't be any 'we're just friends' and she probably needs to cancel her membership to the Y as well because you'll never trust her to go there.

Reply

11/03/2009

Red

Quote:

Originally posted by Bill Ditchburn

Couple of things spring to mind here Veggieguy. First is that your wife sounds like an honest and honourable woman who doesn't want to cheat on you. If she did, she wouldn't have told you, right? Second is that she has clearly got a ... More

Couple of things spring to mind here Veggieguy. First is that your wife sounds like an honest and honourable woman who doesn't want to cheat on you. If she did, she wouldn't have told you, right? Second is that she has clearly got a smokin' hot ass! I'd be feeling pretty good about that!

My suggestion for you is to try not to brood; don't let this fester in your mind; and don't try to be twenty again. Twenty is great for some things - physical perfection, obviously - but it just doesn't cut it in other, more important areas; maturity, expertise, practical intelligence, ability to hold conversations on a range of subjects and delayed ejaculation, to name but several.

Cut your wife some slack for this. If you were approached by an attractive twenty year old woman at the gym who flattered you, would you let her suck your cock? It'd be pretty tempting, wouldn't it? Hot little mouth? And would you tell your wife afterwards?

Of course she enjoyed the sex - that's why god made it enjoyable, and I'm pretty sure you would have enjoyed it too, in the same circumstances. She hasn't done this because she's horny and unsatisfied. She's done it quite simply because she's horny. It's not because she wants to trade you in for a younger model. It's just because she was horny, and, as guys, really if we understand nothing else, we should be able to understand that...

At this point, you can let this poison your mind and possibly your marriage, you can move on and try to forget, or you can accept it and forgive. I'd recommend the latter. Tell her she's so hot you're surprised it doesn't happen every day. Try to talk about it without feeling angry at her or sorry for yourself. If you can do that, and let go of the baggage of ownership and sexual dependence on one person, you may find the image of your wife sucking some young bimbo's cock in a bathroom stall a bit of a turn on. I know I do - (mine, not yours).

Finally, if you have been looking for ways to spice up your sex life, I can't help but think your wife has just handed you one on a plate, so to speak. Don't blow it! Collapse

This is actually very sane advice.

Too often our culture looks at cheating as a complete failure in the workings of a marriage - and make no mistake, like Victoria said, it is a major crossroads, and only you, veggieguy, can decide which path laid before you is the correct one to take.

Love is a powerful thing. If you're in love with her, and she with you, you have stable footing, in the very least.

Go to counseling immediately. Find a counsellor that specializes in alternative relationship dynamics - or in the very least, sex. This does not mean you will be going to someone who will advise you to have an open marriage - it just means you will be talking to someone who is willing to guide you wherever it is you need to go.

Good luck. Seriously.

Reply

11/03/2009

JR

If you're the get back at her kind, you pretend everything is ok afterall and have her invite him to a threesome. Tie them both up really close together but not close enough to touch. Then go out shopping or something.

DTBA! If she cheated on you, you're scott-free when it comes to the divorce. People get married and divorced all the time. If it doesn't work in this case, it doesn't work. You'll be better off without someone who cheats on you 10 times out of 10.

Reply

11/03/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by sarahbear

If she's not willing to completely cut ties with the other guy, there's not anything you can do to fix your marriage. There can't be any 'we're just friends' and she probably needs to cancel her membership to the Y as well ... More

I overheard her on her cell phone talking to him last night..She mentioned "sucking your big cock" four times and "my ass is so yours" twice..
We are beyond going to a counselor..I would but she sounds like she wants this guy so fuck it..

Reply

11/03/2009

Fun Lover

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

I overheard her on her cell phone talking to him last night..She mentioned "sucking your big cock" four times and "my ass is so yours" twice..
We are beyond going to a counselor..I would but she sounds like she wants this guy so fuck it..

For some the grass always looks greener on the other side. You can try talking with someone but both people need to be willing not just you. You may need to get the lawn mower out and mow the green grass. I wish you the best!

Reply

11/03/2009

Adriana Ravenlust

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

I overheard her on her cell phone talking to him last night..She mentioned "sucking your big cock" four times and "my ass is so yours" twice..
We are beyond going to a counselor..I would but she sounds like she wants this guy so fuck it..

I am sorry to hear that

Reply

11/03/2009

Dragon

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

I overheard her on her cell phone talking to him last night..She mentioned "sucking your big cock" four times and "my ass is so yours" twice..
We are beyond going to a counselor..I would but she sounds like she wants this guy so fuck it..

I'm sorry.

Sorry that you have to go through this and there are a lot of emotions that you have to face right now. There is a lot of good advice here, and some crap. You'll have to sort it out yourself and I agree that a therapist is order before you make any long term choices. They do help.

It's true that you are not in you're twenties any more. Neither is she. But I'm willing to bet that you aren't completely innocent either.

I remember this post... Does she know that you are on Eden and posting fantasies? There might be some sharing and lack of communication on both of your part.

She has to take responsibility for her actions, but what do you have to take responsibility for?

Many hugs in the hard days ahead.

Reply

11/03/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by Dragon

I'm sorry.

Sorry that you have to go through this and there are a lot of emotions that you have to face right now. There is a lot of good advice here, and some crap. You'll have to sort it out yourself and I agree that a therapist is ... More

Well, I really wanted our sex life to be hotter by adding anal sex..pleasuring her more orally which she loves..It is true I wrote that horny post but the difference is that I have been faithful and she hasn't...I am willing to see a counselor but she is still hot for this guy..I think I am going to be single again and that is ok...

Reply

11/03/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust

I am sorry to hear that

Thanks for caring!

Reply

11/03/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by Fun Lover

For some the grass always looks greener on the other side. You can try talking with someone but both people need to be willing not just you. You may need to get the lawn mower out and mow the green grass. I wish you the best!

The crazy thing is that a couple of nights ago, I pleasured her orally for hours and she came three times..she then rode my cock for about an hour and came again..The very next day, it turns out, she met this guy and sucked his cock.. Why would she do that? Just because he said she has a nice ass? I'm always complimenting her about her butt...I kissed and licked it all the time and wanted to do more with her ass but she didn't seem interested..

Reply

11/03/2009

Fun Lover

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

The crazy thing is that a couple of nights ago, I pleasured her orally for hours and she came three times..she then rode my cock for about an hour and came again..The very next day, it turns out, she met this guy and sucked his cock.. Why would she ... More

From what has been posted it sounds like their is more to this story. More than just a horny wife, if that was the case why didn't it happen before. I agree with DBD. I also feel that even if your wife doesn't want to see a therapist you should, that way you can get your questions answered or at least address them of why this happened. This would be very hard to deal with. I feel for you and wish you the best.

Reply

11/04/2009

Dragon

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

Well, I really wanted our sex life to be hotter by adding anal sex..pleasuring her more orally which she loves..It is true I wrote that horny post but the difference is that I have been faithful and she hasn't...I am willing to see a counselor ... More

I'm sorry that you feel that "sex" is so important in your relationship that you're willing to give up right now. Your only chance to succeed is to accept the anger and hurt and start moving past it. You also need to hear what your wife is feeling. All of that needs to be said in a constructive manner.

I think that most of us here are hoping that you and your wife will find your way to a therapist and understand what led you to this point.

"Being single again" won't be easy. As for your sex life it would go into a hole, but I don't know one person that can walk away from a divorce without being seriously hurt - emotionally and financially.

Reply

11/04/2009

deleted account

Quote:

Originally posted by Dragon

I'm sorry that you feel that "sex" is so important in your relationship that you're willing to give up right now. Your only chance to succeed is to accept the anger and hurt and start moving past it. You also need to hear what ... More

Well, we had a long talk last night and she said that she really wanted to be with this guy.It sounds all physical but she says she fell in love with him...I feel she is loving the idea that a guy twenty years younger than her thinks she is so "smoking hot.." I set up a meeting with a marriage counselor on this Friday and asked her to come with me..she said no..I am still going to go...
I don't feel "sex" is the most important thing in our relationship but the lack of trust I feel, the betrayal and hurt I feel is what bothers me the most...I could understand it if me and her didn't have a physical relationship before this..but we did and I thought it was pretty hot..we did it alot...But as a woman friend told me, cocks, balls and asses look much better on a twenty year old than a forty year old...I said, Hey, once in awhile, I fantacize at times too about being with a younger woman or even two women..=) but I keep those thoughts in my head and don't act on them obviously like she did and my cock stays in my pants!

Reply

11/04/2009

JR

Sorry VG, it sounds like she's not interested in counseling. Save your money for a good lawyer to try to get all you can out of her (if applicable).

best of luck!

Reply

11/04/2009

Sir

I apologize, but it seems to me that neither of you are on the same page. You are posting things about your fantasies of wanting men and women, and she's actually acting on them. She seems like more of a real person to me than you do. For me, thinking about people is just as bad as acting on it, if not worse. She's being honest with you - she's obviously just not interested anymore, for whatever reason. Take it this way: her loss. It's obvious that you're hurt by what she's done, but you're no better.

I love what Bill said, quite honestly, it's a very lighthearted approach to it. You're interested in having a threesome with a man, as you posted earlier - ask her about it. That might be a good idea for the both of you, and it might open you each up to exciting new things. I think that you going to counseling is a good thing too, because that will allow you to cope with her betrayal. But you can also make this better (even if it's upsetting), considering the fact that you are interested in having a threesome with another man.

Reply

11/04/2009

Mystikaloasis

I'm sorry to hear this because it seems as if you really love your wife and want this to work. I hope everything works out for the best. Just a side note, sometimes knowing the details of an affair isn't always the best thing.

Reply

11/24/2009

Melt

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

Well, we had a long talk last night and she said that she really wanted to be with this guy.It sounds all physical but she says she fell in love with him...I feel she is loving the idea that a guy twenty years younger than her thinks she is so ... More

She's bored.

She wants adventure, and she's easily getting it while walking all over you. I'd get serious with her. She's way past "having a talk".

Many women when they get to their late thirties are tired. They "want a spark of naughty" They want ENERGY, anticipation, playfulness and they crave that fluttering of the heart like they got in high school for that boy they like.

It's not that she doesn't like being with you, it's just "normal". She's also in her sexual peak... so "normal" doesn't cut it. Even anal with you.

It also sounds like she kinda walks all over you. She told you "He's SOOoo Hot"??? What? I know that's hard to hear, but not only did she cheat MULTIPLE times but she lies over and over. She didn't say "I've been seeing someone", which is the real truth. Because she knows that will mean immediate divorce. Instead, she's just getting away with screwing you over all while stomping on your heart.

Here's my advice:

Get some balls! Then get a lawyer to draw up a statement that details everything she's done and get her to sign it. Maybe even a contract that says if you are to get divorced - YOU GET EVERYTHING and she PAYS YOU alimony.

Tell her to sign it if she wants to keep screwing a 20 year old.

DONE. See how she reacts to that! She can't get pissed at you, she has no right?

Here's why:

You'll continue to pout like a puppy dog while she obviously continues to bang this guy. Why should she stop? You aren't going to stop her.

What will happen is she'll divorce YOU AND TAKE YOUR MONEY. (YES, women can do this. And it sounds like this one will) Dont be blinded by your many years of marriage.

Reply

12/30/2009

Airen Wolf

(Eden Lit)

Quote:

Originally posted by deleted account

I am totally bummed out. Last night, I was really horny...After pleasuring my wife for almost two hours orally, I was so ready for some head which she loves doing..She gives me a couple of licks and then says she has to talk to me about ... More

Awww hun that really sucks! It's a shame she didn't come to you before she gave in and cheated. I know how painful it is to be told the one person in the world you never believed would hurt you has done just that...and during an intimate moment as well; double shame on her! To have wounded you during an intimate moment is always shameful and served only to salve her conscience, not a loving or honorable thing at all. No amount of physical beauty will make up for the fact that your trust was abused and you were hurt. It is ok to grieve and yet it is also ok to forgive and work on trying to repair and better your relationship! There is a light at the end of this tunnel though it will take a while to see it clearly.

My husband cheated on me for many years and while I was "in the dark" it was mostly by personal preference...he was my shinning white knight guy and I didn't want to see how far he had fallen. Oh and he was so smoking hot that GUYS, even normally straight ones, asked him if he'd ever consider trying the "other side". So no, knowing that your lover is hot enough to ignite wet kindling doesn't make the hurt and betrayal any less. Anyhow, I found out about one episode of cheating from the other woman as we were playing a friendly game! I was anihillated, hurt and deeply wounded.
Now I make no claims of sainthood because I was an emotional cheater but in our society it's almost accepted that you can cheat your lover and family of your time, care and attention as long as your body remains "pure", but in reality you are still alienating your loved ones and creating distance...just like full on sexual cheating does.

I chose to try to repair our relationship and my husband worked just as hard as I did though he fell off the "bandwagon" about as often as I did! Still we worked on the underlying issue in our relationship that was driving us apart. For us, and I stress that this is OUR underlying issue, it was the fact that we wanted and needed to be free to love freely. To be free to pursue any interest that caught our fancy...be it another person or a new hobby. We needed to learn to balance this freedom responsibly so that our children and each other never felt alone and unloved, we needed to learn how to be free and still let each other know how cherished we are. For us polyamory became more than a love style choice it became a way of life that leaves us satisfied and closer than we have ever been. Now this choice may not work for everyone as each partnership has it's own unique challenges and needs but it serves to show that there is hope should you and your lady decide that your relationship is worth saving.

I would suggest some couples counselling, if you can find a counsellor with whom you feel comfortable, and if you can find it there is an excellent book entitled "I Love You, Let's Work It Out" by David Viscott that helped us immensely to root out the cause of our dysfunction and unhappiness. If you decide to leave then I would also suggest some counselling as you WILL have issues you want to work out before pursuing another love interest...it simply isn't fair to the new person to bear the brunt of your anger and fear or a repeat performance. Plus you owe it to yourself to heal as fully as you can before trying again.

This could have been just a midlife crisis but it has still ripped apart your world...the choice to forgive is yours as is the choice to stay or go. Either way if you want to talk or just have someone hear you email me on site, I'd be glad to just listen.
~Airen

Reply

12/30/2009