What are your thoughts on a partner who refuses to perform oral sex?

Bex1331 Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest I usually have to practically beg him to let me (he has a much lower drive than me). I've talked to him about it a few times but he just won't do it, he won't use his hands to pleasure me either. He's only tried once he instantly pulled away with a look of almost disgust on his face because I get very wet when I am aroused. Naturally this has made my a little ashamed of my body, in my opinion I don't taste or smell bad but I haven't had any other partners so I don't really have anyone to ask. I was curious about everyone's thoughts on this are because I need some other opinions and thoughts. He tells me that I'm not the only one, that he doesn't like doing it for anyone but I still feel hurt...
10/07/2012
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- Kira - - Kira -
It wouldn't bother me, but I don't like oral sex. It would bother me to have someone pull away in disgust over me getting wet. Seriously? That's pretty messed up. It gets on him when you have sex, no?

The only flip side of this is if he's a big germ-a-phobe or something. I don't like my own fluids on me partially because of this and partially because I have an ick factor with bodily fluids. However, I'm still more than happy to have my husband's cum on me. I just sort of don't think about my ick factor when it's him.

Maybe ask him why he doesn't like it? Then you'll be able to sort out what you guys need to work on with it.
10/07/2012
Istanbull Istanbull
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... More
Wanna trade places with my wife? The description of your man sounds just like her perfect match in bed... except she doesn't like receiving either.
10/07/2012
SaiDiscordia SaiDiscordia
WOW! Can't say that is a problem for me, my husband LOVES giving oral, as do I. The thing I don't understand is the not using hands thing. Does he at least do over the clothes stuff? Only advice I have is communication, communication, and more communication. He needs to come out and be honest with his likes and dislikes and I mean brutally honest. Even if he thinks it is going to hurt your feeling, at least then you will know. If it is a taste, texture, smell, or hair thing, these are things that can be easily remedied, but if he doesn't talk, there is nothing you can do.

Sorry you are in this situation, sweetie. I hope things get better.
10/07/2012
Neotigress Neotigress
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... More
For me your partner would be an unacceptable partner, and it sounds like he has some hangups or other. I wouldn't be hurt, but we wouldn't be together either. I need my partnerships to be open and reciprical both emotionally and physically.
10/07/2012
Bex1331 Bex1331
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
It wouldn't bother me, but I don't like oral sex. It would bother me to have someone pull away in disgust over me getting wet. Seriously? That's pretty messed up. It gets on him when you have sex, no?

The only flip side of this ... More
I've asked him, he won't answer, he just skirts around the issue, I've asked him if he thinks I'm gross and he says no but that's it
10/07/2012
Bex1331 Bex1331
Quote:
Originally posted by SaiDiscordia
WOW! Can't say that is a problem for me, my husband LOVES giving oral, as do I. The thing I don't understand is the not using hands thing. Does he at least do over the clothes stuff? Only advice I have is communication, communication, and ... More
Not even over the clothes, but then again if we have sex we're usually in bed already getting ready for sleep so I'm already naked, I've tried to get him to talk but he won't tell me anything
10/07/2012
Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... More
Want to trade?

I really dislike receiving oral, it's a turnoff for me. And I only give when my husband has been pestering me for it. I'd really rather not. Also, I won't even touch myself with my hands if I don't have to. So, a partner who doesn't want to give oral or touch my lady bits with his hands? Sounds great!

I don't think it's an issue with either one of you, so much as a compatibility issue. But it's something you can probably work around with a lot of open communication though.
10/07/2012
mjtheprincess mjtheprincess
I've been with two guys who didn't like giving oral sex. Two. Outta...I have no clue. Most of them love it. They love the smell, the taste, all of it (which is wayyy more fun!). My momma always told me if a guy doesn't like going down on me, I should get a better guy. haha

That being said, my current partner and I have an unspoken agreement that we both prefer the other to be showered before oral (although, it isn't a law. just a preference).

If you don't have other partners, well then...sweetie, before you settle down I highly suggest you experience oral! It's...mmm. If he isn't in to it, there may be a reason. It only takes one bad experience to ruin someone. But if a guy pulled away from me for getting wet...my interest would be seriously lowered in them!

You shouldn't be ashamed of your body. Ever. The human body is beautiful and fascinating and your partner should make you feel that way!
10/07/2012
UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
Honestly, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship that didn't involve giving or receiving oral sex. It's so much a part of my sex life that it would be totally different with out it. We give eachother oral as foreplay before pretty much every session. I'm not trying to sound shallow, but if somebody isn't sexually compatible with me there are probably other things that we don't have in common that would cause problems down the road. Sex is an important part of my life, and really don't think I'd compromise that for anybody.
10/07/2012
garychutchcouple garychutchcouple
That would not fly with me at all. Why doesnt he like it?
10/07/2012
garychutchcouple garychutchcouple
Quote:
Originally posted by UnknownGirl
Honestly, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship that didn't involve giving or receiving oral sex. It's so much a part of my sex life that it would be totally different with out it. We give eachother oral as foreplay before pretty ... More
couldnt agree more
10/07/2012
garychutchcouple garychutchcouple
Quote:
Originally posted by Gone (LD29)
Want to trade?

I really dislike receiving oral, it's a turnoff for me. And I only give when my husband has been pestering me for it. I'd really rather not. Also, I won't even touch myself with my hands if I don't have to. ... More
haha hilarious
  •   (1)
    I am personally offended by this
10/07/2012
garychutchcouple garychutchcouple
Quote:
Originally posted by Gone (LD29)
Want to trade?

I really dislike receiving oral, it's a turnoff for me. And I only give when my husband has been pestering me for it. I'd really rather not. Also, I won't even touch myself with my hands if I don't have to. ... More
whatever floats your boat
10/07/2012
Lady of the Lab Lady of the Lab
Quote:
Originally posted by UnknownGirl
Honestly, I don't think I'd stay in a relationship that didn't involve giving or receiving oral sex. It's so much a part of my sex life that it would be totally different with out it. We give eachother oral as foreplay before pretty ... More
I agree. I was with an ex who did not want to reciprocate oral (which was a part of our break-up). Even if you are not the 'only one', I would suggest trying to talk about it more because it sounds like something you would like to try.
10/07/2012
jr2012 jr2012
my S.O. doesn't love giving oral, either. I also have the higher sex drive in the relationship so I totally feel you there. I fantasize about oral sometimes

I think of it this way, I wouldn't want my partner to harbor bad feelings about me because I didn't like something...theoretica lly, say I didn't like receiving anal, but he loved doing it. What would I do? Probably politely say "no thank you", and hope he can be happy with everything else we are doing.

As for the bodily fluids thing....I would just hope he gets used to it. I'm assuming he likes having sex in general, right? Fluids come with the territory. If he says he isn't disgusted with you, I would consider giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is telling the truth. In my experience men can be pretty honest...but don't really elaborate.

Don't feel bad about yourself though. I'm sure you're lovely and he shouldn't make you feel otherwise!!!
10/07/2012
Lizard Lizard
I'm sorry to hear that. I would be frustrated. I can't imagine a guy not enjoying going down a woman. Weird.
10/07/2012
solitudinarian solitudinarian
Receiving oral is so so for me. It's never made me reach orgasm but it's ok for a tease. Still, I couldn't handle your situation. I love giving oral sex, and I couldn't be with someone who had a much lower sex drive than me, or someone who seemed disgusted at me in the way you described. I really like being touched. My self esteem would be negatively effected too if I was with someone who didn't like to touch me...

How does he feel about sex in general? I don't want to tell you to dump him, but seriously consider how you are going to feel if you remain so sexually unsatisfied. I don't see how talking is going to fix things, as it sounds like you have already tried that.
10/08/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Honestly? I'd dump him and not look back. Seriously. How selfish can you possibly be? If you're so squeamish about the way the human body naturally works during sex, then you shouldn't have sex. Or you should find some other prudish, selfish jerk who will also act like a child when confronted with body fluids.

Sorry, but this kind of thing really pisses me off. It's not going to get any better, either, if he refuses to open up about it. You are going to grow more and more resentful and feel more and more hurt as time goes on, and it's going to trickle out into every aspect of your relationship. He's already managed to make you feel insecure about how your own body naturally functions during sexual arousal. Why would you stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

I might sound harsh, but I hate it when people act like this about sex, and they just drag their partners down into the dirt with their selfishness, and their immaturity. And stop going down on him, for fuck's sake. You may enjoy it, but he doesn't deserve getting head. At all. He won't even use his hands to pleasure you? Why are you with him?

Maybe he's gay and in denial. Seriously--any man THAT squicked out by a vagina is probably sitting in the closet trying to convince himself that he's not gay.

Maybe you should ask him how it feels to be a bad lover? How it feels to have an unsatisfied girlfriend? Does he feel good about himself knowing that he sucks (only figuratively) in bed?

Don't be quiet about this. Don't be apologetic. Don't feel insecure about your own body because of him. Don't back down. If he won't stop acting like a baby or a closeted gay dude, then leave. There are plenty of men out there, most men, who would love to eat a nice, wet pussy. They'll worship it, and the wetter you are, the more they'll enjoy it. Stop wasting your time on someone who is too much of a pussy to eat one.
10/08/2012
Trysexual Trysexual
I'd say someone who doesn't like giving oral is pretty uptight. Can't say I could understand it. I couldn't live without it.
10/08/2012
StasyRavish StasyRavish
My most recent boyfriend of two years wouldn't do it at all, not if his life depended on it. the first year or so it didn't bother me much, although I frequently gave it to him, even begged him to let me do it at times. There was a point in time, when we started experimenting. If I ever had any sort of reservations about something (ie. having a "pet" in our relationship, or trying anal for the first time) he would wear me down until I just let him have whatever he wanted (big mistake). Regardless of the fact that just letting him have is way like that was a mistake, it occurred to me that I'm doing all these things I didn't want to do for him, and he still refused to go down on me, which is a pretty simple and common practice. It aggravated me that not only was I the only one who performed oral in our relationship (it didn't help that that was the /only/ form of foreplay I ever got, but I was doing all this for him and he wouldn't do this one thing for me.
10/08/2012
Big Dog Big Dog
My last 3 girlfriends, I loved going down. One was very orgasmic and I still think about her daily.

My wife... I hate even trying it. She's made me feel so creepy and awkward going there that I've stopped doing it although she asks for it on occasion. She's so bad at giving oral I don't ask for that either.

I actually think (and I wouldn't though) that if I cheated on her, it would be more about going down on a different woman than the actual intercourse.

Maybe this is advice for the woman in this forum. (and I say ouch when I think this, sorry.) It might actually be you or your reaction to your husband's trying that's turned it into a turnoff. (It might not be the imaginary hygiene issues or your pubic hair that's working against you.)
10/08/2012
Mwar Mwar
Call me horrible, but I couldn't be with a guy who wouldn't go down on me. However, I love oral and my first partner spoiled me with it.
10/08/2012
Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
Quote:
Originally posted by garychutchcouple
haha hilarious
I'm so glad you find my personal disfunction funny.
10/08/2012
mistre$$ mistre$$
Quote:
Originally posted by mjtheprincess
I've been with two guys who didn't like giving oral sex. Two. Outta...I have no clue. Most of them love it. They love the smell, the taste, all of it (which is wayyy more fun!). My momma always told me if a guy doesn't like going down on ... More
I'm with you on all of this.

The thing that most bothers me about this is that he pulls away and shames you like that, intentional or not.
10/08/2012
mistre$$ mistre$$
Quote:
Originally posted by StasyRavish
My most recent boyfriend of two years wouldn't do it at all, not if his life depended on it. the first year or so it didn't bother me much, although I frequently gave it to him, even begged him to let me do it at times. There was a point in ... More
Wow. This reminds me of a relationship I've been in, pretty much exactly.
10/08/2012
Ansley Ansley
Not a whole lot of sex-positivity running through this thread, I'm kind of shocked at some of the reactions so far.

Not wanting to go down on a chick doesn't make someone a pussy, nor does it automatically make them suspect to being gay. I once knew a man who self-identified as gay and had a huge, huge problem with the actual ejaculate portion of the deal.

People can get hung up on things for a variety of reasons.

Maybe, there was an older person in his life who made comments about how oral is dirty or nasty or maybe it's so intimate for him that it seems really scary.

Maybe, he's heard one too many stories about girls laughing at inexperienced men not being able to get the girl off and he fears the risk of failure and rejection.

Maybe, he knows nothing about the way the female body works and could use a little instruction here and there, but the one thing for certain is that you need to communicate with each other.

No one deserves to sit in silence and suffer a mediocre sex life. It should be fun, exciting, and as adventurous as both parties are comfortable with. And all matters like this should be handled delicately in accordance to the natural cadence of your relationship.
10/08/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... More
Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a long term, happy relationship. It does not sound like that is what you have. If this is really an important relationship, you need SEXUAL counseling, however, saying you "haven't had any other partners", it sure sounds like you need, at 20 years old (in that relationship since 16!?!) need to MOVE ON and find someone who IS right for you. If you are frustrated with his performance in bed now, think of how you are going to feel in 30 years. We all deserve HAPPINESS and at your age, you should just be at the START of your search for Mr. Right...not locked into a relationship where you are already being made to feel bad about your body!!!

I know that was not the answer to your question, but I can tell you the simple answer...NO long term relationship would ever have happened with any man who I did not feel incredible passion for and from. The fact we DO have that and DID have that, is one BIG reason we are still in LOVE, STILL in LUST and still having amazing fun...DAILY....despite busy lives, after over 5 years of dating and 30 years of marriage (which is still an extended date,since we are SO into each others). No part of my man as any "ick" factor to me, nor me to him. As you age (and we ALL age) the fact he is still SO turned on by every bit of me is...well, heaven!!!! That is what you really want. Long term happiness.
10/08/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Not a whole lot of sex-positivity running through this thread, I'm kind of shocked at some of the reactions so far.

Not wanting to go down on a chick doesn't make someone a pussy, nor does it automatically make them suspect to being ... More
You may be correct....or they may just NOT be cut out for each other. This has been her only sexual relationship, and she has been in it since 16 years of age. That means, at 20, she is JUST starting to enjoy the real "hard wiring" in her brain, for pleasure and judgment. People so often stay in relationships because they are the "KNOWN", the "COMFORTABLE" ;, but NOT the happy, the wonderful or the place that really brings them satisfaction. they are just too "comfortable" ; to leave it. Leaving it takes courage and strength...but sometimes it IS the right thing to do. This guy may be much happier being with a far less "sexual" woman as well!!!
10/08/2012
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by mjtheprincess
I've been with two guys who didn't like giving oral sex. Two. Outta...I have no clue. Most of them love it. They love the smell, the taste, all of it (which is wayyy more fun!). My momma always told me if a guy doesn't like going down on ... More
Your MOM told you this??? Oh wow. GREAT MOM!!!!!
10/08/2012
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