Are There Any Pros to Virginity After Age 20? - from Em and Lo

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Are There Any Pros to Virginity After Age 20? - from Em and Lo

Em & Lo Em & Lo
One of our college contributors on EMandLO.com recently posted two personal lists on our site: her Top 10 Pros of Virginity and her Top 10 Cons of Virginity. While these are personal confessions and not advice, her list of pros has been getting a lot of criticism and questioning. Is it possible to be an adult virgin in this day and age and be happy about it?
11/05/2010
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Darling Jen Darling Jen
The only "pro" that makes me sad is the one that says it makes her mother happy. No one's sex life (or lack thereof) should be for the purpose of making anyone else happy but themselves, especially people not even involved with that aspect of their life. It's just creepy and sad. I wish she did it for herself and not her mother.

But otherwise, I do think it's possible to be an adult virgin and be perfectly happy, normal, and adjusted. It's just like someone making the decision to be a vegetarian. "Is it possible to live in meat-eating America as a vegetarian and be happy?" Sure! It might not be easy because of social pressure but if it's your choice for your own happiness, then keep on truckin'.

I always found it sad that when women lose their virginity, especially when they're younger than 20 and not married, they're most likely called whores or sluts. But then if they decided to hold onto it through that hormonally driven period of their lives, they're called weirdos, ice queens, and snobbish. How about society just back off the decisions of young women to do either? As long as you're happy, healthy, and safe, I think it's good.
11/05/2010
ScottA ScottA
I'm not sure how not having sex is equated with not dating. I dated but didn't have sex. Also not sure why you need to take the "package deal" of values.
11/05/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
It's a preoccupation for those who have nothing else to focus their attention on.

It also feels as if she's using it as an excuse not to get close to anyone, thereby avoiding intimacy on other levels. (The 'breakproof heart' she mentioned.) Maybe I'm just missing the whole story since this is merely a 'top ten' list.

I always noticed those who flaunt their virginity carry it around like a martyr's badge - "I'm different I'm different and I think my difference sucks but I won't have it any other way because I get noticed for it." Had friends like that in school; nobody liked them much because of how they carried themselves. Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you have to wear the mantle of a victim. It's not the state of the body, it's the state of the attitude.
11/05/2010
Kim! Kim!
As long as the person is doing it for their own beliefs and values and they're happy with their decision then that's great. If they're doing it for their parents, yeah, that's kind of weird when you actually think about it. I keep my parents out of my bedroom. It's expected to keep rules while living in the home, like no sex in their house if that's a rule, but telling adults to remain virgins and expecting it is sort of strange. I was actually think on this whole thing the other day in Social History of Women (one of my classes). She was talking about how girls used to basically belong to their fathers who then passed them off to a husband so that women were always under male control. All of the sudden a lightbulb went off in my head and I asked if we still see this reflected in the charity balls of today, she said yes, that's a great question but we were out of time and we'd get to it next week. I forgot to remind her and she must have forgot about it too.

Anwayssss, what I was getting at is that many parents out there might not be thrilled that we're on this site, even if we're married. I know I have family that, even if I was married, would find it unhealthy. They'd find some of the things that I like even more unhealthy. But as an adult I've consciously made a decision to keep them out of my bedroom. If someone is remaining a virgin for themselves or for a partner who wants to wait, then that's wonderful. If they're only doing it because their parents said to and they're an adult then they need to take a closer look at things. However, in societies where it could be dangerous for women to not be virgins upon marriage are a different story. I'm talking about my own culture here.
11/05/2010
Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Kim!
As long as the person is doing it for their own beliefs and values and they're happy with their decision then that's great. If they're doing it for their parents, yeah, that's kind of weird when you actually think about it. I keep my ...
Very good point that it's different for other cultures. But for our own, it shouldn't be any business of family, especially if they're an adult.

Oh and you're right on about male ownership of women still existing in some degree in modern society. It's even reflected in marriage ceremonies still. The father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to her new 'lord and master', her husband. That is traditionally what that walk meant. I always love seeing people change that up to keep with the times, like both parents walking down the aisle with their daughter. Or better yet, the groom and bride both walking down with their parents, or just together, hand in hand. That last one is my personal favorite. To me it symbolizes their bond to each other as they start this new part of their lives together, as equals and as partners.
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
One of our college contributors on EMandLO.com recently posted two personal lists on our site: her Top 10 Pros of Virginity and her Top 10 Cons of Virginity. While these are personal confessions and not advice, her list of pros has been getting a lot ...
I can't really think of any. Sorry.

Sex is just so......wonderful. It isn't that hard to find the right lover.
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
It's a preoccupation for those who have nothing else to focus their attention on.

It also feels as if she's using it as an excuse not to get close to anyone, thereby avoiding intimacy on other levels. (The 'breakproof heart' ...
So right, Chili. The whole "martyr/victim" thing is a pox on our society.

I blame Oprah.

And it does sound like the writer of the post has some other issues. Her mother knows the state of her sex life? If this had been an issue for me, I would have screwed a guy just to get her away from my business.

Also, broken hearts are not just the realm of the "initiated." You can have sex without getting your heart broken, and you certainly can receive a broken heart having never had sex. You only "heart break proof" yourself by staying away from intimacy.

Maybe that's the real reason she's not acting her age, the intimacy thing. That would be my guess. But, what the hell do I know? I happily shed that pesky V Card in High School and never looked back. I never regretted it, either.

That's just me, though.
11/05/2010
Kindred Kindred
People are making way to big an issue about the mother comment she made. She stated that her being a virgin makes her mom happy, thus it is a pro. She in no way stated that she is a virgin because it makes her mom happy. It's like me, I had children which made my mom happy, that's a pro to having kids. Making my mom happy was in no way a reason that I decided to have kids.

Also, I think it's great that she and her mom can talk about her sexuality/sex life openly and comfortably. How many people can actually say that their relationship with a parent is that open? Is the opposite any better if we are afraid or embarrassed to discuss these issues?
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Kim!
As long as the person is doing it for their own beliefs and values and they're happy with their decision then that's great. If they're doing it for their parents, yeah, that's kind of weird when you actually think about it. I keep my ...
OK, I would see your "culture" thing, but we (I assume) live in the USA! My "culture" values female virginity and "purity." Screw them. I'm not living in pre-Emigration-everyth ing-for-the-Church Italy or Ireland anymore. Families cannot exact "Shame Murders" in the USA, that's why a lot of people come here. (When a family could have a woman killed or maimed for "hurting the family's pride" by having sex. Many other countries turn a blind eye to it. Luckily it is taken for what it is in the US, Murder.)

My People came here, in part, to get away from the constriction of the "Old Ways." They had to know their children and grandchildren would grow up with the New Country's Culture. People should expect to not keep the most restrictive parts of their culture intact when they come to a Free Country. Sex included.

I applaud you for keeping your family out of your bedroom. I honestly couldn't see any other way to live my life. I mean, c'mon. "Hey, Mom, I got we new set of anal beads, a new silicone vibe and a pair of butter soft leather wrist restraints today! Wanna see?" (Shivers) Uh, no.
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Kindred
People are making way to big an issue about the mother comment she made. She stated that her being a virgin makes her mom happy, thus it is a pro. She in no way stated that she is a virgin because it makes her mom happy. It's like me, I had ...
Being proud because you have grandchildren and bragging about them is normal. Getting bragging rights to your daughter's lack of a sex life is simply creepy to me.
11/05/2010
Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Being proud because you have grandchildren and bragging about them is normal. Getting bragging rights to your daughter's lack of a sex life is simply creepy to me.
Perhaps, but I would argue that at least they appear to have an open dialogue about sex and sexuality, something most people can't. I would further argue that albeit creepy, its healthier than silence.
11/05/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
One of our college contributors on EMandLO.com recently posted two personal lists on our site: her Top 10 Pros of Virginity and her Top 10 Cons of Virginity. While these are personal confessions and not advice, her list of pros has been getting a lot ...
Sex didn't get good for me (like really really good.... it was good before, but now it's AH-MAZING) until right around my 30th birthday a couple months ago.

I can understand wanting to be a virgin when you get married. I wasn't, but that's a whole other story. It sounds like this girl isn't doing it for her personal reasons or beliefs. It sounds like she's doing it because she wants this "Badge o Pride." I agree with others when they say that she sounds like she's avoiding intimacy. It sounds, also, that she's using it as a platform to say to her friends, "Well I'm a virgin so......" because she can be "more objective." It's really hard to be objective if you've never been in love.

I'm all for someone saving themselves for whatever reason they choose to, but when you're doing it for someone else, or doing it to avoid being close to someone, or doing it to "remain objective," then your sexuality becomes a weapon, either to yourself or to others. No one here is saying "Hurry up and go get laid, whoever it is, doesn't matter." I think we're all a little thrown by some of her reasons.
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Kindred
Perhaps, but I would argue that at least they appear to have an open dialogue about sex and sexuality, something most people can't. I would further argue that albeit creepy, its healthier than silence.
OK, an open dialogue may be healthy. But, this same writer was told nothing about sex as a child and had to learn "everything she knows about sex from porn." To me, that is not an "open dialogue" or a healthy relationship with her mother. Her mother is just being nosy and interfering. If her mother wanted an "Open Dialogue" she should have started it when the writer was a child. She didn't. (Read the rest of the "Virgin Diaries" for more info on this. I have.)

But, proper boundaries are important. But, her mother ostensibly being "proud" (meaning maybe even sharing this most intimate of data with others, most likely as a way to brag) is not healthy in the least.

And what is the writer of these Virgin Diaries going to do when she does have sex, finally? Tell Mom? Then what? How much will Mom need to know then? When and where will this "openness" (which only seems to go one way) end?

My oldest children are old enough to engage in sexual activity. As for their details, however, I don't know any of the details. We are open about facts and physical function and it stops where "our sex lives are our own business." They don't know the details of my sex life and I don't know the details of theirs. I think firm, sound boundaries make for a good relationship with one's mother.

One can be "open" about sex, without discussing the intimacies and details of one's own bedroom activity. That's what works for us, anyway.
11/05/2010
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
By the way... all this speculation we have here about motives and intentions... did anyone else read her cons? She addresses all of these speculations. Which kind of makes me want to delete my last post.
11/05/2010
gone77 gone77
I identify with some of her pros and cons:

Pros:

If my period skips a month, it’s a cause for celebration, not despair. Living without the fear of becoming pregnant from my choices is extremely liberating.

You can be sexual without having partner sex (and suffering all its inherent risks). Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I blush at the thought of sex or wear white on a daily basis. Believe it or not, I enjoy masturbation, porn, and the occasional dirty joke.

Being a virgin gives me the objective, outsider perspective on sex and relationships, which is invaluable when it comes to helping friends sort out their personal issues.


I disagree with this pro:

My heart is break-proof right now. I haven’t placed myself in a position of emotional risk by having sex with a man I might not realize doesn’t actually care for me.

I've had my heart broken a few times. Being a virgin does not prevent this.

The cons I can relate to:

Porn and erotic literature can only go so far in satisfying your sexual fantasies before both become redundant and even boring.

Being a virgin is still equated these days with being a prude, which is not who I am at all.

I hate how being a virgin binds me to a corresponding set of values, some of which I don’t even uphold.

While I’ve avoided all the pitfalls of sex, I’ve never experienced its joys either: the fun of dating, the thrill of passion, the intimacy of connecting with another human being.

Masturbation can’t get nearly as creative or varied as actual partner sex.

Needless to say, with all this pent-up sexual energy, I get frustrated. Sometimes I would just like to unleash my inner beast with someone but I have no outlet.


I left out some words and phrases in these because they didn't apply. Virginity is obviously a very personal thing. Each person will have their own pros and cons, but you can be some will overlap.
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
By the way... all this speculation we have here about motives and intentions... did anyone else read her cons? She addresses all of these speculations. Which kind of makes me want to delete my last post.
I don't buy the other list, either. My guess is no one lives up to her expectations (I've read most of this authors other posts, she is very idealistic about sex, especially "the first time" almost to the point of delusion.)

Often one has to go out and get what one wants. Not only does she downplay the Joy she is missing (because she has NO idea of the Joy possible) but she thinks she has to wait around for some guy to "choose her" in order to have sex.

There's a lot more going on here than "chosen virginity."
11/05/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
After reading her con #8, it makes me wonder if she is simply a virgin by default rather than a virgin by choice. It sounds like she doesn't have the confidence to approach men who may be of interest to her, so she wistfully dreams of being sought after. Yet if she is indeed insecure, she could be unconsciously sending signals that she is unapproachable.
11/05/2010
Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Selective Sensualist
After reading her con #8, it makes me wonder if she is simply a virgin by default rather than a virgin by choice. It sounds like she doesn't have the confidence to approach men who may be of interest to her, so she wistfully dreams of being ...
Oh very good point. That does come out of the personality of the author, definitely.
11/05/2010
Andromeda Andromeda
I disagree with a lot of her pros and question her reasoning, but I also disagree with a lot of her cons. My personal philosophy is that age doesn't matter. Who cares if you're an adult virgin or if you're not? If the time is right for you, then go for it. If not, no big deal. I don't think age + virginity should matter nearly as much as people say they do.
11/05/2010
Kim! Kim!
Wow, I just re-read my post. It's horrible; listening to a podcast at the same time was a bad idea. I'm sorry about the grammar!!!
11/05/2010
bzzingbee bzzingbee
I think that someone could be an adult virgin and be happy, so long as they are acting on their own wishes and desires. I enjoy sex and not being a virgin, but everyone's different. There is no one right way to live your life. I may not agree with some of her reasons, but they work for her, so I guess that's what's important.
11/06/2010
mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
interesting views...
11/06/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Selective Sensualist
After reading her con #8, it makes me wonder if she is simply a virgin by default rather than a virgin by choice. It sounds like she doesn't have the confidence to approach men who may be of interest to her, so she wistfully dreams of being ...
Excellent point. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I'm sure she's a very nice, sweet girl. Maybe she just needs some confidence in her ability to be Sexual with a partner.

I think the only way to gain Sexual Confidence is to bite the bullet, do the deed while working on your confidence and security issues.
11/06/2010
Andromeda Andromeda
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Excellent point. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I'm sure she's a very nice, sweet girl. Maybe she just needs some confidence in her ability to be Sexual with a partner.

I think the only way to gain Sexual Confidence is to ...
I sort of agree and sort of disagree with you there, P'Gell. I think a person should have some confidence in his or herself and almost complete security prior to doing the deed (I say almost because I think everyone is a little insecure their first time. Some level of security in your relationship with your partner is also important before you dive in. Being insecure would just make everything worse!
11/06/2010
IrishLassie IrishLassie
I think there are a lot of good arguements here. I believe that it is possible for an adult to be a virgin and be happy at the same time. You know, as long as they are choosing to be a virgin for their own thoughts/beliefs and not those of others. Whether or not the person is insecure or not, no one should just give it up to "experience" it. I was an adult when I lost my viginity to my now husband. Before that happened, I was happy with who I was, and confident (not proud) of who I was, and I think thats key. Sure, you want, wonder, and fantasize. But, in my opinion if someone gives it up to satizfy the curiousity, there might be a certain amount if regret. Call me old fashion, but I still think/believe that virginity is a gift you give to someone you love, and not just anyone. because someone decides/or choses to be a virgin, they shouldnt feel ashamed of it, nor should the " The whole "martyr/victim" thing is a pox on our society " as P'Gell said earlier.
11/14/2010
socceras socceras
lol yea there are pros. I wish i didn't have sex with just about every one of my partners. accept one
11/14/2010
ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
It's a preoccupation for those who have nothing else to focus their attention on.

It also feels as if she's using it as an excuse not to get close to anyone, thereby avoiding intimacy on other levels. (The 'breakproof heart' ...
I would imagine there are plenty who don't flaunt it. I felt little to no need to talk about my sexual choices with most people, including my dates for the first few times. Of course, looking back on it I'm not sure what they thought, but I hope they thought I was a gentleman and respected them.
11/14/2010
Total posts: 28
Unique posters: 15