Girl I'm dating has never had an orgasm, need advice please!

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Girl I'm dating has never had an orgasm, need advice please!

Nickisonehere Nickisonehere
Hi,

So I'm dating this girl and she has never had an orgasm. She has tried a good number of times with no success. The few times we've been together I have failed at making anything happen (lol).

Here's two experiences I had with this. One time I was going down on her and she seemed like she was getting close, but then she started telling me that she couldn't take it anymore and had to stop. Another time I was rubbing her clit and same thing happened.

I asked her about it, and she said a couple of sensations she was feeling that made her want to stop. One was that she'd have a sensation like she has to pee. I've heard of this before during g-spot stimulation, but neither time were my fingers or anything else inside her. Is this a normal sensation that occurs during clitoral stimulation? I've never heard of this before.

The other thing she mentioned wasn't as clear, but she said she had a feeling like it didn't really feel good anymore or something like this. Not painful at all, maybe like the feeling you get when the "orgasm window of opportunity" has been closed all the sudden lol (if anyone knows what I mean).

So, any advice would be helpful, especially since she's afraid she'll never have one
05/19/2009
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Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Nickisonehere
Hi,

So I'm dating this girl and she has never had an orgasm. She has tried a good number of times with no success. The few times we've been together I have failed at making anything happen (lol).

Here's two experiences I had ...
If she's focusing only on trying to reach orgasm to the point where it becomes work it likely won't be fun or pleasurable anymore. And if you're trying to get her there, the pressure might do the opposite, honestly. I mean, it's an admirable goal for you but it might be better to simply help her focus on things that feel good as opposed to reaching a certain goal. Also, it's generally easier for a woman to reach orgasm by herself the first time so I would encourage masturbation, if you're not already.

I wonder if she could possibly be cumming without realizing it? Sensitive clits are a common result of orgasm in females but the same could also be happening if she is missing that orgasm window of opportunity, as you put it. If she isn't really in tune with herself, either could be happening and maybe you just described the issue without even realizing it? Heh.

Personally, I tend to hold back a lot with my orgasms because, without that restraint, the physical response is too much. It's not necessarily too pleasurable but just too.. intense/sudden/out of my control. Could that be related to what happened with your first experience? My other thought on that is that you could be applying too much direct stimulation. Maybe try broadening your approach and stimulating the general clitoral area instead of the clit itself or you could also try to stimulate "through" her labia, if that makes sense.
05/19/2009
Red Red
Some women squirt with clitoral stimulation - the wiring just works that way sometimes. That could explain the need to pee feeling.

This is something she needs to workout herself, which is what Adriana basically said as well. Buy her a hitachi and a book like "getting off" link and let her sort it out at her own pace on her own terms. So that means don't ask about her progress all the time, and stop focusing on her having an orgasm when you're having sex. Just do what feels good. Sex is about a lot more than orgasm.
05/19/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Oh! I forgot I wanted to mention. Sometimes when I am really turned in, it triggers that urge to pee. I think I might my clenching my PC muscles in a way that stimulate my G-spot to cause that. I don't know if I am alone in that but maybe something similar is going on?
05/19/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
Oh! I forgot I wanted to mention. Sometimes when I am really turned in, it triggers that urge to pee. I think I might my clenching my PC muscles in a way that stimulate my G-spot to cause that. I don't know if I am alone in that but maybe ...
You're definitely not alone in that. It happens to me sometimes, too.

@ Nickisonehere: My first (and current) partner experienced the same "issues" with me. I told him (truthfully, I thought) that I had never had an orgasm before, and he started to focus all his efforts on getting me *there*. He was convinced that I had a negative psychological block that prevented me from achieving orgasm. He was incredibly considerate, but it also put a lot of pressure on me, like I was in the orgasmic playoffs and a whole team of male cheerleaders screaming "cum! cum! cum!"

Long story short: It totally didn't work and I finally just told him to let it go, and I would figure it out in time. I spent some more time with myself and bought some very nice (albeit jelly) starter sex toys to figure out just what was going on with my body. In the end, I realized that I had been having orgasms all along--they were just so subtle that I hadn't "counted" them. Working with sex toys and being more aggressive in the bedroom helped me amplify those feelings and I stopped feeling like there was something wrong with me.

So, my advice is to just let her figure it out on her own and make pleasure, not orgasm, the goal of your bedroom romps to take the pressure off. Good luck!
05/19/2009
Viv Viv
I have to agree with everyone else on here. Due to medications and stress I was anorgasmic for a while (just wasn't possible for me to orgasm for about 2 years until i went off that medication). And I had pretty much the same experience with the-- almost there--nope, gone too far, type of sensation. But the most difficult thing for me was having a partner who made it their quest to make me come. If i couldn't do it, he sure couldn't. While i'm sure it's appreciated that you care about her satisfaction, that pressure can really make it impossible to make any progress. Give her space and encourage her to continue to try different masturbation methods and techniques on her own. And just enjoy your time together--sex should be like a nice winding roadtrip, no need to have a particular goal in mind every time.
05/19/2009
Epiphora Epiphora
Let her figure it out on her own. That's the only way she'll know what she wants you to do. If she's open to sex toys, get her the Xtreme Pack G-spot bullet and leave her alone.

I personally find it very difficult to come from fingers rubbing my clit, and near impossible to come from oral sex. Vibrators just work a lot better for me.
05/19/2009
Epiphora Epiphora
I forgot the most important thing... LUBE.
05/19/2009
Miss KissThis Miss KissThis
I come most often during oral, unlike Epiphora, but I definitely wasn't like that until I figured out what I liked (and didn't like) on my own. There are still points where it just doesn't work sometimes, and the pressure for it to happen just makes it worse. Pretty much each person is going to be completely different, and like everyone else has said, she needs to find out what works for her on her own.
05/19/2009
aussielover aussielover
Quote:
Originally posted by Nickisonehere
Hi,

So I'm dating this girl and she has never had an orgasm. She has tried a good number of times with no success. The few times we've been together I have failed at making anything happen (lol).

Here's two experiences I had ...
I had an experience like this with an ex lover. The one thing I'd recommend is to stop mentioning the O word and just concentrate on having fun for a while. The pressure to perform and fear that she'll never have one can often lead to a kind of self fulfilling thing where it just doesn't happen. But it will. And probably when both of you are least expecting it.
I'd also second the suggestions about getting her to experiment on her own with a good toy. A simple bullet vibe should do the trick. In our case that's what worked.
05/19/2009
Nickisonehere Nickisonehere
Wow this is all great advice. I didn't mean to imply that I'd been pressuring her in any way though. Although I have done that with one girl a dated a while ago. That was dumb now that I think about it and read these posts lol. And, again now that I think about it, I find it damn hot when a girl tells me she wants me to cum or wants my cum (stuff like that), but ONLY IF I'm really close. If I'm not, then yeah, I definitely feel pressure and it can ruin it. So yes, I see what you all mean now, that is very helpful advice thank you, and I'll be careful not to do anything like that. Fortunately I haven't done anything like that to this girl (yet lol)

So, if the way I wrote the post made it seem like I was looking for how I could make her get off, then I apologize. I had assumed that it's unlikely that I make it happen for her lol, since I've failed at being the first to give a girl an orgasm a number of times now, maybe like 5 or something. Having written that, I now feel kind of inadequate haha.

Anyways, so I had intended to mostly be writing this "on her behalf". Like, first, what advice I should give her and, second, whether or not the feelings she is having are "normal". Most importantly, the second thing. She thinks that there's something wrong with her, and that it's very weird that it's happening, etc. Also, she's brought this up a few times lately and I'm a bit worried that she's really stressing out about it (she is like that about other things).

I guess my question now is this:

QUESTION
Should I say something to her? I'm out of town for like a week and a half so can't get her a toy in near future. But, she seems quite worried about it and I think that it might be "in her head" or whatever since she over analyzes things a lot. Should I tell her that I read looked some things up and that it's best to try and relax and not worry about it too much since the sorts of feelings you're having are normal, try and get used to your body, and, most importantly, don't focus on cumming but simply enjoying the experience of touching yourself and such? Does something like that sound okay? Have I understood all of you okay?

Thank you all again for the helpful feedback, it's very nice of you
05/21/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Difficult achieving G-spot orgasm is VERY common. Nothing is wrong with her or weird about her. I own dozens of toys and have been interested in sexuality and masturbation for YEARS and I've never even come close (haha. what a pun) to achieving the G-spot orgasm. Some research suggests is gets easier with age, like once you hit 30 and our ladies here seem to be in agreement. There's a couple threads where this was brought up (I know In the Pink and Carrie Ann were part of the discussion).

I also think YOU shouldn't take it personally. It's easy for both parties to feel responsible but the fact is, no one is to blame and that's an easy way to ruin a good thing.

I think this is exactly what you should do:

"hould I tell her that I read looked some things up and that it's best to try and relax and not worry about it too much since the sorts of feelings you're having are normal, try and get used to your body, and, most importantly, don't focus on cumming but simply enjoying the experience of touching yourself and such? Does something like that sound okay?"

Maybe invest in a toy or a book to help her out but just focus on what you do enjoy.
05/21/2009
Nickisonehere Nickisonehere
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
Difficult achieving G-spot orgasm is VERY common. Nothing is wrong with her or weird about her. I own dozens of toys and have been interested in sexuality and masturbation for YEARS and I've never even come close (haha. what a pun) to achieving ...
I didn't mean to imply the issue was G-spot orgasms. I meant orgasm in general (if your post is referring to what I said)

And I think I will take your advice on that, thank you, Adriana
05/21/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Nickisonehere
I didn't mean to imply the issue was G-spot orgasms. I meant orgasm in general (if your post is referring to what I said)

And I think I will take your advice on that, thank you, Adriana
Huh. For some reason I read G-spot orgasm. LOL Well, the same is true for any kind. It's just not as easy for some women.
05/22/2009
Vincent's Fantasies Vincent's Fantasies
My girl took a while before she was able to achieve orgasms regularly. She finally achieved her first orgasm one night after a few drinks (we were both VERY horny). It took a while with plenty of oral stimulation to get her extremely aroused. Then during intercourse, she just kinda flipped me over and got on top and began to grind her pussy hard (and in turn, she was directly stimulating her clitoris against me) until she orgasmed. She began to do this regularly, but always while being on top. In each case, she has to be VERY aroused in order to cum.

Then later on, I began to really explore her G-spot. When I found it, I couldn't figure out how to make her orgasm by fingering it, even though she was really enjoying it and felt like she was getting close to orgasm but never hitting the Big "O". Finally, we discussed it and I asked her to make sure her bladder was empty, and then I began to rub her G-spot a little harder each time I fingered her (again after she was very aroused). I told her that when she feels close to orgasm to relax and almost push as if she had to pee (knowing her bladder was empty). When she finally did, she squirted and orgasmed very strong. Now she has both clitoral and g-spot orgasms almost every time we have sex.

For us, it began with making sure she was fully aroused, relaxed, and willing to let loose - and not worrying about making a mess or worrying about having an orgasm or not. COmmunication and relaxation is key.
05/22/2009
Raven Raven
In my earlier sexual days, I had a harder time acheiving orgasms with a partner than with solo work, and it was all about the pressure to come or the pressure i put on myself to perform a certain way. Masturbation helped me to know exactly what and where, and I was better able to relay to a partner what I needed. Also, there are two words that I kept repeating to myself until they stuck--relax and feel. I kept thinking those words in my head and it got easier and easier to follow them.

Another thing I thought of which may or may not have any relevance in your situation, but sometimes my husband gets a little too turned on when playing with my clit and his strokes start getting too hard, too fast, too early, and when that happens the clit desensitizes and then there's nothing.
07/01/2009
xchairitycasex xchairitycasex
sounds like her clit is getting sensative. i will have the overwelming feeling to stop becuase it is too sensative. it happens to me usually with my second orgasm sometimes its so sensative that its almost unbearable not really painful just like im not sure if im going to orgasm or if i have to make it stop lol. its a weird feeling. trying being extra gentle with your touching maybe her clit gets extra sensative just before orgasm like mine does and that sensation of having to pee that will also happen. tell he she is not going to pee and to go with it.
02/28/2010
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 11