Initiating sex

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Initiating sex

Peggi Peggi
For many years, I have been through one unhealthy relationship after another. After a while, I got to the point where most of the time I didn't even enjoy sex! Now that I've met my partner, I love it! I want it and crave it! But there is just one issue. Although I do initiate it once in a while, there are many times where I won't because I have no idea whether he wants it or not! If I know he is interested sometimes I'll start it but most of the time it's up to him. And I realize I should lead more, but I just don't want to feel like I'm making him do it to please me. Anyone else with this issue, and any thoughts?
10/12/2011
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P'Gell P'Gell
Peggi, I think most women go through this. We have been taught that it's the "man's job" to initiate sex and we are to go along with it, or fake a headache.

We are also taught that only "sluts" go after sex, while "nice girls" wait for their partners to initiate. I know I had problems with this, not knowing if he would "want to." After a while, My Man said to me, "You know, it would be nice if you initiated sex once in a while." It really never occurred to me to do it!

He has now for many many years become very aroused when I make it clear I want him sexually. We play a lot, and grab each other all the time, but he often can read my subtle signs, but sometimes you just have to say, "I want to have sex. Do you?" The worst thing he can say is, "I'm not in the mood right now."

Believe me, men have to go through a LOT of being turned down and most of the time, as women, we don't mean it personally. But, those first few times he did say No, I was nearly in tears! Now, I'm older and have gotten used to the give and take of a healthy sexual relationship. Yeah, when I want it and he doesn't, I am not happy. But, I respect his choice, because he respects mine when I'm not in the mood. Happily, neither of us are not not in the mood often! Both of is are ready to go a good part of the time. But, everyone has their occasional non-sexual days and they are entitled to them.

Most of the time, he will probably be very happy to have you initiate and respond happily.

I know my husband has had sex with me just because I wanted it and he really wasn't in the mood but went along with it. But, yanno, I've done the same for him. It's part of the give and take of a healthy relationship.

Can you sit down and talk to him about it? Say something like, "I want to initiate sex, but I don't know how you'll respond to that." My guess is most healthy men will be thrilled with the idea!

Good luck. It takes some courage the first few times, and being turned down is NOT personal, but it does sting. But, remembering how often many of us say no as well makes the sting go away. In a day or two, you'll both be in the mood and it will happen. Most of the time when you initiate, I'm willing to bet he'll respond quite happily.

10/12/2011
Nora Nora
I'm in the same "horny all the time" boat with my guy (of 8 years). We have grown to accept that my "drive" is greater than his and I would say 90% of the time, I do the initiating. If I waited on him, we would only have sex once a month! I know this because I used to get annoyed by doing all the asking and would stop asking to see how long it took him to come looking for it. 5 weeks was the longest he ever went...and thank god I had my toys!

As always, P'Gell said it best! It is definitely a give and take sort of thing...if you get "turned down", just break out a toy and let him lie there...chances are (if your guy is anything like mine) he'll get "in the mood" after a few good moans! My guy gets "jealous" of the toy, lol.
10/12/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Much like P'Gell (definitely thinking the separated at birth scenario may be true ), my husband sat me down a few years into our marriage and told me the exact same thing, "You know, it would be nice if you initiated sex once in a while." I will admit it took a really long time for me to feel comfortable doing that.

However now, I think I initiate more than, or at least as much as, he does. It mattered more back then because we were not having sex, but a couple of times a week. Now sex happens so often, it is impossible to keep track of who initiated what, when. We have been together for a long time and have come to realize the give and take all equals out in the end and we don't keep score anymore.
10/12/2011
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Well, my husband loves it when I initiate sex - but let's face it - there are ways to initiate sex and then there are ways to initiate sex.

For example - I can invite him into the shower with me and that leads to him becoming more aroused. I can rub his back and massage his shoulders and kiss his ear and he knows I'm interested. When we're in bed - I can stroke his chest and snuggle next to him.

If I do these things - I find it more easy to ask for sex once I've seen his response. If he turns away or goes back to what he's doing or seems like he's concentrating on something - then maybe I should hold off a bit.

But if he kisses me back or starts to rub my back...then 10 to one he's ready for me to ask.

Just some thoughts.
10/12/2011
- Kira - - Kira -
Same here. My husband used to always be the one who had to say something. I would be horny and not say anything about it waiting for him to bring it up. Like the others have said, one day he said to me it would be nice if I came to him sometimes as well. Now what I do is put on something sexy or just say "when are you coming to bed" because that seems more subtle than "hey wanna have sex." He seems to like that more.

Now that I'm willing to initiate sex, we seem to have a lot more of it because I can pick times that I'm not exhausted (like he would do). The more we have, the more I want, and then the more we have! Win, win.

I hate when I come to him and he says no. It's always a bit of a blow to my self esteem. It's few and far between though and I think of the times I've said no to him. Give and take, it's how a relationship works. You can't let the few no's stop you from getting the yes.
10/12/2011
AndroAngel AndroAngel
I've always been a fan of the direct route. "Hey, I'm horny, do you want to have sex?" Or the planning it out route "I should come over to your place tomorrow night and we should have sex". I think I might have completely missed the message that I wasn't supposed to initiate, because more often than not I'm the one that starts things. My lover and I have an open dialogue, though, we discuss all our wants and needs openly, sex is just another activity on the list. We view it no differently than "hey, do you wanna go see X movie" or "Do you want Chinese food tonight?"
10/12/2011
indiglo indiglo
We've gone through something similar. Now I initiate sex whenever I want it. And we've also gotten to the place where we just say if we want it. You don't even have to come out and say "I want sex" if that makes you uncomfortable. We have a certain question we'll ask in a certain tone "How are you feeling?" or if it's late at night "Are you sleepy?" And that gets the job done. For us, it's better than beating around the bush - we've had times where I'll beat around the bush for too long, and then he gets really tired and is too tired, so when I finally make it clear what I want he's too tired.

Maybe you should sit down and tell him everything you just told us, and see what kind of a solution you can come up with together. That's what we did, and we just came to see that we needed to stop beating around the bush when we need something. Yes, sometimes you might get turned down (when he doesn't feel well, for example) but there is something really liberating about just stating what you need and then having your partner do it. You can even make an agreement that if either party asks for it, and the other party really doesn't want to - you are free to say that too.

(I should have just said "What P'Gell said"... that would have been easier to type. LOL)
10/12/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I hate being the initiator of sex. I've made it a point to tell my girlfriend that same thing.

If you leave your desires in someone else's hands, you'll be let down more often than not.

Men take the same gamble when they start with their partner. We don't always know if it's a go or not. We just have to try out best and hope for some action.

My personal reason for not wanting to be the constant initiator is that I've had an ex who used it against me. "We always have sex when you want it."
10/12/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
In 22+ years I have initiated our sexual activity 99.9% of the time. It's frustrating - but it is what it is.
10/12/2011
EJ EJ
We both initiate sex. And we're each free to say "yes" or "no". Hearing "no" every now and then did take a little getting used to, but I got a whole new perspective on how a lot of guys must feel, being the initiators the majority of the time, and I learned to be a little more thoughtful about how (and under what circumstances) I said "no". I eventually also learned not to take it so personally when he said "no". Now I find it a relief to be able to simply ASK one another whether we're in the mutual mood for sex, rather than playing potentially ego-crushing games.
10/13/2011
Ghost Ghost
It never hurts to ask. ;3
10/13/2011
indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by EJ
We both initiate sex. And we're each free to say "yes" or "no". Hearing "no" every now and then did take a little getting used to, but I got a whole new perspective on how a lot of guys must feel, being the ...
I couldn't agree more! 100% agree with this, I feel the same way about it.
10/13/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
I went out with one guy in college where I had to initiate sex every single time And, I got shot down about half the time, "It isn't the right place, your room mate might come back." (She may not.) "We can't do it in the stairwell." (Why not?) "We can't ask to borrow someone elses' room." (People in college lend out their floors to friends in need all the time.) This guy also told me, before we ever had sex, "I'm kind of a man-whore, y'know." Yeah, really? Not enough of one.

Anyway, it sucked to be the one to always initiate it. I didn't intend for this relationship to be this way. Evidently I have a much higher sex drive than he did.

I think with my husband, his drive was always so high I didn't have a lot of chances to initiate early in the relationship, because he was always going for it. As he slowed down a little, I could pick up the slack.
10/13/2011
Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
For many years, I have been through one unhealthy relationship after another. After a while, I got to the point where most of the time I didn't even enjoy sex! Now that I've met my partner, I love it! I want it and crave it! But there is ...
You recently posted he has body image issues? Issues with self confidence, correct? You can't change this guy overnight. I know it was recommended on that thread that perhaps he seek outside support like a counselor and I'll echo that here. All I can say is offer compassion and encouragement, never force him outside of his comfort zone and if he pulls away, let him pull away- don't ever back him into a corner where he feels like he doesn't have an out. You're going to have to lead more because it's those body issues that hold him back from having the confidence to take charge. Until he works out his issues to feel more pride and power in the bedroom, all that is on you.
10/13/2011
Bonanza Jellybean Bonanza Jellybean
Quote:
Originally posted by Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Well, my husband loves it when I initiate sex - but let's face it - there are ways to initiate sex and then there are ways to initiate sex.

For example - I can invite him into the shower with me and that leads to him becoming more aroused. ...
That's a great point, TexasMama. Often, just being sensual and physically affectionate can get you partner in the mood more than simply telling them you're in the mood might. But don't get me wrong, communication is awesome and sexy, too!
10/13/2011
Peggi Peggi
I just really want to thank everyone for trying to help out on this issue!

I did talk to him briefly, letting him know how I felt. Then, the next time this occured (where I wasn't sure if he wanted to or not but I did) I went ahead with trying some sensual massage first, and then nice little kisses and such, and I just went ahead and decided to go for it! Turned out very well
10/14/2011
EJ EJ
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
I just really want to thank everyone for trying to help out on this issue!

I did talk to him briefly, letting him know how I felt. Then, the next time this occured (where I wasn't sure if he wanted to or not but I did) I went ahead with ...
Glad to hear things went well.
10/14/2011
Peggi Peggi
Sleeping Dreamer: True, the body issues have always been a problem with his concern of what others think about him and my leaving him, but it surprisingly has never affected our sex life! He walks around without a shirt on all the time, goofs off, and actually we do have sex that he initiates…often! We do have sex at LEAST once every other day, more like once day on a regular basis. Days when we both feel well (not too tired or stressed over anything) it is more than once a day. But sometimes there are just those times, and I’ve never been able to take control during those times.
10/14/2011
Total posts: 19
Unique posters: 14