Masturbation and partner resentment.

Liz2 Liz2
Many women enjoy masturbation both alone and with a partner, their partners probably masturbate alone as well. How do you women of the EF community feel about your partner masturbating w/o you?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I'm fine with my partner masturbating as long as he has something left to fulfil my needs.
102
I am sometimes sad as I feel left out of the experience.
15
When my partner masturbates sometime prior to our lovemaking; he just lasts longer.
18
I masturbate, why should my partner be denied this pleasure?
113
I get pissed when I wake up to his wet spot.
5
I rather he masturbate with me as I love to see the waterworks!
50
I prefer my partner not masturbate alone because I then feel I don't satisfy him.
13
Fine with me; I tell him to masturbate when I don't want sex.
29
Overall, masturbation is so mainstream, I don't think about what he does.
25
Total votes: 370 (148 voters)
Poll is closed
06/04/2009
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Liz2 Liz2
I was at a gathering of all women, none were friends as such, and somehow late into the evening the conversation turned to sexual satisfaction. Even though I work and study in the field, I was astounded my the diversity of opinion on sexual satisfaction with and w/o a partner among basically the same age group, 21-28.
I just sat and listened almost unbelieving but did feel I should have said so much...I felt that my mother is way more open and she is obviously older.
06/04/2009
Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme) Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about it, especially after her pregnancy, though. She was 'out of action' for six weeks and fine products from Eden helped keep me sane!

Generally, she now is fine with it as long as I'm respectful of her needs and desires and have made a worthwhile effort to seduce her first.

Although do any male readers ever find that they're ALWAYS expected to make the first move?
06/04/2009
Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about ... More
As a female, I don't expect my b/f to make the first move. Showering, perfume lingerie are all part of my seductive moves. He does respond to them. But, I love it when he comes after me; guess its 50/50.
06/04/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
I love masturbation. Alone, together, watching somebody else do it, having somebody watch me...it's perfectly healthy, and I think it keeps my sex life healthy in a variety of ways. I AM picky about the wet spots, though; I'm way too clean to deal with a mess, which is one of the reasons I often masturbate on a towel.
06/04/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
Quote:
Originally posted by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about ... More
Anyone who always expects their partner to make the first move, not just in sex, but in anything, is way too fucking lazy for me to want to deal with them.

That makes me think of people who refuse to ask anybody out; they insist that they be asked. It's usually girls I hear that from, but I've heard some guys say it, too. Once, a female friend of mine really liked a mutual male friend, but refused to do the asking. Then I found out from this mutual male friend that he liked our female friend, but he also refused to the asking. It's been a year and neither one has asked the other out. That, to me, is just fucking ridiculous.

Like I always say: "If I just sat around waiting for other people to get off their asses, I'd never get anything done."
06/04/2009
Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
I chose, "I'm fine with my partner masturbating as long as he has something left to fulfil my needs." Because I only get sex about once a month. What a waste of birth control. I know that he masturbates much more often than that, and I can't help resent it. He knows I'm always ready for sex so I don't know why he doesn't just wait til we're both home. Maybe I'm too available!

In any case, I feel justified masturbating as much as I do. He doesn't have an excuse.
06/04/2009
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
His masturbation habits are incredibly important over here since I'm trying to get pregnant. I don't want him to waste his good swimmers on the sheets. I know he sneaks away because he just needs quick & easy some days and I don't blame him, sexual release is a good thing when you don't have to worry about pleasing someone else or trying to knock them up. However, I can't help but feel like, "why didn't you just ask me to have sex with you?" .. especially since I feel like we don't have enough sex. For now I follow the route of "I won't ask so don't tell me about it" so I don't feel any pangs of jealousy or hurt.
06/04/2009
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Most times I'm totally cool with it. I DO prefer that if he's going to watch porn and jerk off (without me included) that he do it when I"m not around so as not to make me feel icky.

I also tend to get a little pissy if he chooses to masturbate too many days in a row INSTEAD of fucking. My self esteem hits the shitter.

Not that I don't "get it". I do. Sometimes I'd rather just rub one off quick, too. But logically getting it and not feeling hurt don't always go together as they should.

It's definitely way less of a problem than it used to be.

We age, we grow, I guess.
06/04/2009
Naughty Student Naughty Student
We don't masturbate in front of each other bcs we usually watch porn while we masturbate and we get shy so we do secluded in the cmputer room. He can dod it while I cook supper, clean dishes, do laundry, read, etc. I can't or have trouble doing it while he is there. I usually do it while he is asleep (while reading erotica) or away.

I don't resent it when he does masturbate but I find it sucks real bad if does it before we have sex bcs he is semi-hard during sex and I can't really orgasm unless he is rock hard.
06/04/2009
Renewing Desire Renewing Desire
He hasn't ever masturbated in front of me that I remember, but I've done it with him present but not watching actively. I don't know that he has a chance to take care of that ever, since I am always home I don't think he has enough privacy anyway. His job has long and unpredictable hours and he's always tired when he comes home so I guess he might feel it's a chore. He has never admitted to masturbating on a regular basis, which is kind of surprising to me, but I would feel jealous in any case for whatever ridiculous reason. I guess I would want to feel included. I have no idea when was the last time he did it.
06/04/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
I used to get a little bugged by him masturbating, but that was before I started doing so myself. Now it's more of a "can I watch?"

We went through a period when medication killed my sex drive, and that's when I finished getting over his masturbation. I knew that sometimes I just couldn't get aroused or stay aroused long enough to finish him off, and my guilt at not being able to perform overcame my other issues. Also, if he had masturbated before we had sex, it was easier for me to finish him off, so I could shorten his, ah, herculean stamina (while it's usually great, if your libido falls asleep before he's halfway done, there's gonna be some problems).

I agree with Backseat Boohoo, though. I never want to wake up to a wet spot, either of ours. Thank goodness he's just as picky about that as me, so if either of us makes a mess without a towel, there's no arguments about changing the sheets NOW, regardless of how tired we are.
06/04/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I've been thinking about this a bit. I like sex and I like masturbation and while my intercourse obviously involves my husband, my masturbation does not necessarily. We do masturbate together and I especially enjoy helping/watching him which is something we do a lot if I'm not in the mood. Now that we're apart, I love the idea that he masturbates to me; I do the same and we also share details. Yet, there is apart of me that does feel like if he has to masturbate without me, I somehow fail. There's another part of me that knows I masturbate without him and enjoy it because it is different than sex and if I can do that, he should be able to as well. That's the logical part of me, I suppose, the part of me know knows just because sex and masturbation provide different - but related - experiences doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the sex/relationship. It just doesn't always win out.
06/05/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
His masturbation habits are incredibly important over here since I'm trying to get pregnant. I don't want him to waste his good swimmers on the sheets. I know he sneaks away because he just needs quick & easy some days and I don't ... More
Thing is studies show that the more he cums the more potent his sperm is. This has proved out in our case as my lover masturbates sometimes 3-4 times a day and in three tries has gotten me pregnant. If he has low motility some doctors recommend that he masturbate several times to attempt to increase the number of sperm...it's an 'on demand' type of equation! If you are under the advice of a physician though do what they say, but if you are doing this the old fashioned way, as it were, let him stroke!

The way both of my guys has explained it is that some times they just don't want to go through all the trouble of full on partner sex, or they only have a few minutes and want to orgasm quick. Sometimes I feel the same actually so in our house as long as you are behind closed doors (we have two pre-teen girls) then masturbate away! In this way we have shown our girls without actually saying anything that "private time" means PRIVATE!
My lover isn't yet accustomed to the pleasure of oral so we often mutually masturbate before sex...just part of the foreplay.
06/10/2009
Sir Sir
Well, I'm a man, and if my partner does that without me or without me telling her to, I get pissed off because she disobeyed me. With male partners that I've had in the past, I've never really known if they have, though they're guys, I expect that they have. But the same went for them when I was with them. If they did something that I didn't allow or tell them to do, I got angry and punished them for it. With my current partner, I'm more forgiving because we're in a long distance relationship. She misses having me often, as I miss having her.
06/13/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Well, I'm a man, and if my partner does that without me or without me telling her to, I get pissed off because she disobeyed me. With male partners that I've had in the past, I've never really known if they have, though they're guys, ... More
It seems your experiences are more from the D/s point of view. Without the power exchange element, how do you feel about it?
06/15/2009
Lithaewyn Lithaewyn
I'm on the "I masturbate so why can't he?" side, but if he were ever to become one of those men who masturbate alone more often than with me or having sex with me I would be very very unhappy.

We're in a long distance relationship, but when we're together masturbation is almost nonexistent since we have each other. But I do understand that sometimes everyone needs personal time.
06/15/2009
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about ... More
Grumbling at you...
06/15/2009
Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
It seems your experiences are more from the D/s point of view. Without the power exchange element, how do you feel about it?
Yes, they are. I've never been without the "power exchange" element, so I truly do not know. That's how I run my life, so I've never been out of that mindset.

As I said though, I'm more forgiving with my current partner since she doesn't live with me or near me (she lives in another state at the moment). I know that when she does, she's doing it because she doesn't have me, but it still angers me that she would be able to without me either telling her what to do or instructing her, or even doing that with her. I personally do not do anything without her, because I'm not able to have an orgasm that way. So in a way, I expect the same.
06/16/2009
Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme) Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Grumbling at you...
Why grumbling at me? :-(
06/19/2009
Raven Raven
Even though he feels a bit left out, my husband has begun to understand my need to masturbate without him, even though he doesn't masturbate with or without me. He is satisfied and that's good enough for him. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about doing it, which is why I mostly do it while he is asleep or away.

Whenever I have asked him if he wanted to watch, it winds up not being a solo session, but that's okay. :-D
06/23/2009
LilyLust LilyLust
I'm a little conflicted on this one. While I do masturbate and feel he should get his jolly's too sometimes I feel like a let down when he does. Probably cause he does it in the morning before work while I'm asleep. And it feels like he's hiding it. I have tried to talk to him about it and he gets all ashamed. I masturbate to keep my libido going, if I didn't I would never be in the mood. IDK, the whole thing is rather messed up. Perhaps it's the visuals he needs to masturbate that is the root of my resentment.

Thanks Liz2 for a great thread, now you got me really thinking!
06/24/2009
Raven Raven
From what people are posting, it seems that the act of masturbation itself is not the problem so much as the way it is being done, such as if it's being done in secret or instead of partner sex, and especially if it is frequent. Most people who would be posting in this forum seem to be fairly open-minded on most issues, but feeling left out is something none of us care for. Just my humble observation.
06/24/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Raven
From what people are posting, it seems that the act of masturbation itself is not the problem so much as the way it is being done, such as if it's being done in secret or instead of partner sex, and especially if it is frequent. Most people who ... More
I think you're completely right that "feeling left out is something none of us care for".
06/24/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I think you're completely right that "feeling left out is something none of us care for".
Amen. Even if it's not our partner's fault in any way, it's not fun.
06/24/2009
alicar alicar
Quote:
Originally posted by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about ... More
mor mor
06/28/2009
spicywife spicywife
My husband and I don't masturbate by ourselves. We just prefer being together to experience any sexual act. Ever since we met and moved in together, he stopped on his own and I lost interest in masturbating by myself because he wasn't there to enjoy the fun!
07/05/2009
spicywife spicywife
Quote:
Originally posted by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Great thread!

I know my wife kind of resents me masturbating, even when she's firmly established that she's 'not in the mood.' As far as she's concerned, if she goes without, so should I.

We've got better about ... More
My husband rarely makes the first move. I think it just depends on the relationship. It was hard for a while after our daughter was born. Sometimes women just need some time to recoup, others need longer. I eventually got my groove back
07/05/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Even though I'm not in a relationship with a biological male now, I can totally relate with what people are saying here.
I was with my exhusband for almost 10 years. He would flat out refuse to have sex with me for various reasons (actually it was because he was a drug addict, but I didn't know that then), and then I would catch him masturbating all the time. It made me feel completely horrible.

Since then I've had a couple of partners who have had different E.D. issues (one was anorgasmic and one couldn't keep it hard). With both they told me they were going to stop masturbating to help out the situation - which it did. But then I would get resentful when they couldn't ...err..perform... because I couldn't understand why they couldn't just wait for me and be with me.

Even with female-bodied partners, I've been somewhat resentful if I know they've been masturbating, yet they don't want to have sex with me.

Part of this probably comes from the fact that I have 2 small children home with me alone A LOT of the time - so my chances at getting sex are rare enough w/o having a partner who isn't ready when I am.
07/07/2009
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
Many women enjoy masturbation both alone and with a partner, their partners probably masturbate alone as well. How do you women of the EF community feel about your partner masturbating w/o you?
This is obviously for women - but as a man I wish my partner masturbated more often - I think it would be a good learning experience for her and give her a chance to try some kinkier things I've suggested 'in private' to see that they can pleasurable.
11/19/2009
Total posts: 71
Unique posters: 56