What do you feel constitutes a loss of 'virginity'?

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What do you feel constitutes a loss of 'virginity'?

Booktease Booktease
Another post on EF this week asked members to give their 'number', that is the number of people they've had sex with. The curious part of this question were the rules set down by it, which limited responses by only including straight sex (vaginal sex with a man) and excluded all other forms of sexual behavior (oral sex, anal sex, gay sex). I decided to go research what different cultures think of as 'sex' and what different people think of as virginity.

Virgin as defined by:

The Free Dictionary
1. A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
2. A chaste or unmarried woman; a maiden.
3. An unmarried woman who has taken religious vows of chastity.

Random House Dictionary
1. a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
2. an unmarried girl or woman.
3. Ecclesiastical. an unmarried, religious woman, esp. a saint.

Online Etymology Dictionary
c.1200, "unmarried or chaste woman noted for religious piety and having a position of reverence in the Church," from O.Fr. virgine, from L. virginem (nom. virgo) "maiden, unwedded girl or woman," also an adj., "fresh, unused," probably related to virga "young shoot." For sense evolution, cf. Gk. talis "a marriageable girl," cognate with L. talea "rod, stick, bar." Meaning "young woman in a state of inviolate chastity" is recorded from c.1310. Also applied since c.1330 to a chaste man. Meaning "naive or inexperienced person" is attested from 1953. The adj. is recorded from 1560 in the lit. sense; fig. sense of "pure, untainted" is attested from c.1300.

I also watched a really great video by Kara Sutra about the redefining of virginity and I have to say, I think she's onto something here. I think that its time we redefine virginity. As a woman living a homosexual lifestyle with a long term partner and having never been with a man sexually, I have the label 'virgin' in some forum discussions and in everyday life. But if anyone were to see us together they would know this was absolutely preposterous. I am most certainly not a virgin and I definitely feel my current partner was the one who changed that for me. Here is another interesting article regarding lesbian women and virginity: link

I believe that a big part of my believing that is because I feel she was the first person I ever gave my body over to entirely. The first person who I said: 'Anything you want to give to me and anything you want to take from me, is yours.' And before her, I had never experienced that sort of personal, sexual surrender.

So, I want to know what you think about the current definitions of virginity and what you feels constitutes a loss of virginity? In the poll, I've only included a list of actions and an 'other' option. Select other if you believe the loss of virginity cannot be defined by a physical activity and be sure to expand upon that in your comments.

Also, how do you feel about people who were raped before having sex? Do you feel they have lost their 'virginity'? And what do you feel about people who want to 'reclaim' their virginity? Do you believe virginity works on a sliding scale?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Kissing
Handjobs, fingering, etc.
1
Oral sex
8
Anal sex
10
Vaginal sex with a penis
23
Vaginal sex with an object other than a penis
11
Other
5
Total votes: 58 (31 voters)
Poll is closed
08/15/2011
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Booktease Booktease
Also, here is another great video to watch about this: link
08/15/2011
Rossie Rossie
The traditional vaginal sex with a penis.
08/15/2011
Booktease Booktease
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
The traditional vaginal sex with a penis.
Do you believe that lesbians or gay people are virgins?
08/15/2011
Ryuson Ryuson
CONSENSUAL sex with a penis! It's all about the psychological aspect for me!
08/15/2011
Ansley Ansley
I think virginity is an archaic concept and one that needs to be removed from sex talks with young women and men. There is far too much importance placed on purity instead of ethics.
08/15/2011
Booktease Booktease
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I think virginity is an archaic concept and one that needs to be removed from sex talks with young women and men. There is far too much importance placed on purity instead of ethics.
I agree with this. It obviously doesn't work as descriptor for a physical act anymore and was originally constructed as a way of demeaning women. If I think of virginity as an emotional state and redefine the word entirely, I can possibly get on board. But I agree. Completely.
08/15/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I don't buy the concept that having oral or anal sex instead of vaginal sex preserves virginity. The same goes for non-penile penetration.

I've never placed a premium on virginity - but those who do have a very high level of sexual denial to maintain.
08/15/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Booktease
Do you believe that lesbians or gay people are virgins?
If they are having or have had sex, meaning a sexual experience that was satisfying for them, then no. I don't believe they qualify as a "virgin."

Like Gunsmoke, I don't put a premium on the idea or ideal of "virginity." I know young girls who do "everything but" PIV sex, and I think they are looking at the letter of the idea, instead of the actual practice of it.


"Sex with a penis" would that mean that hetero men, who never encounter a penis in a sexual situation except their own qualify as virgins. Also, that would leave out lesbians who never have sex with men. I don't consider lesbians who have sex with women "virgins" but I seem stuck on penetration (either giving or receiving it) as part of the "cherry popping" thing. I think it's my hang up, being hetero. I may not be right about that.

But, as I don't see much worth to the idea of "virginity" or to "saving it" it really isn't a huge deal for me to wonder about it. If you're having sex with someone you love and/or enjoy, that's good enough for me.
08/15/2011
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
it depends on who you talk to because everyone has their own idea of virginity. i personally think it's any sexual experience (ie blow job or hand job), but of course this only applies to me.
08/15/2011
Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by Booktease
Do you believe that lesbians or gay people are virgins?
I should refine my answer to :

For straight women - vaginal sex with a penis (rape victims don't count, since it wasn't consensual).
For lesbians and gay men - receiving/giving penetration.
For straight men - giving penetration.
08/15/2011
Kkay Kkay
For me, the definition of virginity and what comprises it is a personal thing.
08/17/2011
CoffeeCup CoffeeCup
Here is an absolutely fantastic article about our concepts of virginity. Seriously, read this.
08/17/2011
bayosgirl bayosgirl
I don't think the traditional definition of the word "virginity" in any way undermines a gay or lesbian person's sexuality. As I wrote in my original post, I meant no offense to anyone, and I do apologize if I made anyone upset. For me (and several other people by the looks of it), virginity means never having partaken in PIV intercourse. If you have your own definition, that's fine too. I just prefer to go with the standard definition because it's what I'm familiar/comfortable with.
08/17/2011
Kim! Kim!
It's a personal thing and can vary from person to person, in my opinion. For many, a penis in a vagina ends one's virginity. For others, it only ends when they consented to the act. And for others it may be oral or anal sex or something entirely different. Virginity doesn't have to mean any sort of penetration.
Of course, this doesn't mean sleeping around and declaring yourself a virgin for whatever reason is all that fair (and this includes the "everything but" mentioned above). That's just silly and doesn't make you any more "pure," whatever that means, than anyone else. It just means that you might be lying to yourself.
08/17/2011
Booktease Booktease
Quote:
Originally posted by CoffeeCup
Here is an absolutely fantastic article about our concepts of virginity. Seriously, read this.
Thank you for the article suggestion, Coffee!
08/17/2011
indiglo indiglo
I don't like it when people define "virginity" so strictly - penis in vagina. Then they feel that oral or anal isn't actually sex, so they remain a virgin by finding a "loophole".

I think a more accurate description is having a sexual experience with another human being. Regardless of which parts belong to the other human, or what part went where - having a consensual sexual experience with another human being is losing your virginity. This would then be universally applicable to any gender or sexual orientation.
08/17/2011
ToyBoy ToyBoy
When you fully give everything in a sexual experience. I say it that way because lesbians don't have intercourse with a penis, and gays don't do anything involving a vagina, so it really is a personal word that you have to define for yourself.
08/27/2011
cobiffle cobiffle
i say true insertion is when you are done
08/27/2011
ijako9 ijako9
I say to loose your virginity it definitely requires a second person. Any type of penetration with that person or oral I would consider sex. Handjobs/fingering and such is foreplay to me.
11/16/2011
mudpie mudpie
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
I should refine my answer to :

For straight women - vaginal sex with a penis (rape victims don't count, since it wasn't consensual).
For lesbians and gay men - receiving/giving penetration.
For straight men - giving penetration.
You're suggesting that lesbians can only "lose their virginity" with the help of strap-ons, dildos, or something else to take the place of the penis. They can't just have sex with their bodies?

I feel very uncomfortable defining "sex" as just penetration. I'm bi, so that type of sex is a possibility for me, but I've never had it because I've had far more experiences with women than with men. (And although I have sex toys, I have yet to use them with a partner.) However, I've had fulfilling sexual relationships, and saying that they don't count as sex is pretty demeaning.
11/18/2011
Total posts: 21
Unique posters: 16