Honey..can you please?

Sephey Sephey
So I've never had a vaginal orgasm. But once in a while I can get through if I stimulate myself while my boyfriend and I are together.

The problem: He obviously doesn't realise that I need more than him to feel happy in the end.

In my first relationship, I faked every single time, because I never knew that how to tell my partner this. I also faked a lot in my next relationship, although I let me my partner do me favours. O

So now again, I am trying this relationship thing. And I am not one to foresake sex. It's important. If I don't feel pleased after sex, I tell him that I don't feel satisfied with him, and he feels really inadequate.

I hate doing that, and it'd all because I'm too chicken to tell him that I can't orgasm unless I get special attention. I feel so broken, and I feel like I'm too complicated, and sex won't be enjoyable with me, all because I can't just do the stereotypical, insert and enjoy, method of orgasming with my partner.

I realize that apparently many women can't have vaginal orgasms. So I ask them, how did you explain this to your partner? Was he accepting of this? Was it uncomfortable and awkward in bed after? What things can you still do for things to be fun, for BOTH of you in bed?
10/11/2011
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Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Sephey
So I've never had a vaginal orgasm. But once in a while I can get through if I stimulate myself while my boyfriend and I are together.

The problem: He obviously doesn't realise that I need more than him to feel happy in the end. ... More
For me, I had this problem for a very long time, and without toys involved I absolutly couldn't orgasm up until my current partner, but he knows how to stimulate me externally during sex.

I had the same issue you did, trying to find a way to tell him, I hadn't told anyone before, but I figured he needed to know. Luckily, I didn't wait too long, I just explained that he may or may not know but different women get off different ways. I just so happen to require external stimulation to get off. I came right out and said it. I showed him where exactly I liked to be touched, and he was more than happy to take it from there, experiment, and he makes sure that if he can't wait for me, he will finish me off right after!

Don't be afraid to tell your partner what you like, because chances are they want you to feel good and enjoy sex (if they don't then there are other issues to be discussed!) and they will make any accomodations for you to achieve orgasm.
10/11/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
With my first relationship there was just a lot of sex that I didn't orgasm from. With my second relationship I tried explaining that I don't get much out of just vaginal stimulation, I need extra attention too, and eventually we figured out a way to get things worked out. He was pretty insecure in general, so it did take me a while to explain that it wasn't that he was doing something wrong, it was just that I needed something else. My husband I told right off the bat and it didn't take us long to experiment a bit and start using toys.

I second the suggestion of not being afraid to tell him what you like. Be open and honest and do it in a way that doesn't make either of you sound like there's something wrong with you. You're not broken, I promise you that, and he's not a mind reader so he can only go off of what you're telling him.
10/11/2011
Rossie Rossie
I agree with Peggi and Sam, communication is key to a great relationship. You HAVE to be open and honest with your partner, how else does he know what you like?

It takes me forever to have a vaginal-only orgasm, and my husband's dead tired afterwards from all that thrusting. To avoid that from happening, we do a lot of foreplay before the real thing. I usually orgasm once during foreplay, and will come again while having vaginal sex, by stimulation carried over from foreplay.
10/11/2011
indiglo indiglo
I think it's important to get away from that "he's not enough" mentality, and away from the "he has to give me an orgasm" mentality. He is enough, if you communicate what you need and he does it, and you can do your part to reach your own orgasm too. If you need to rub your clit during intercourse to have an orgasm - do it. There's no need for you to wait for him to do what you need, you can do it yourself.

Talking about what works for you is so important, and I honestly think that if you can't talk openly about your sex life with your partner then maybe you aren't 100% ready to be having sex. (But that's just me.) My man already knew that most women can't orgasm just from intercourse, but he also knew that every woman is different in what she needs to reach orgasm. So through open communication you find out what works for your partner. You can tell your partner what you need, you can show them what you need, and you can also do some of the stimulating yourself.

I think you might need to shift your thinking a little bit, and stop blaming him for your lack of an orgasm. You seem to know what you need, and you can't expect him to be a mind reader. So, if you know the secret to unlocking your orgasm, but you choose to keep the secret from him - you can't blame him or view him as "not enough". If that makes sense? Communication is key, and it sounds like it might be time for you to step up to the plate, and take the step of allowing him to know what you already know. Once you start enjoying sex, you'll want it more, and be more eager during the act - and all that will make sex with you much more enjoyable to your partner. Best wishes!
10/11/2011
Kkay Kkay
This is a case where you have to just bite the bullet and do it. I suggest not couching it in personal terms- instead of saying "It doesn't arouse me when you X", focus on it presenting it as facts about your body- "I can't reach orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone".
10/11/2011
Jaimes Jaimes
You know, you have a pretty great opportunity to make him feel like a white knight with your honesty. You can approach the subject and tell him that you've always felt bad or very insecure about your difficulty with orgasms from vaginal stimulation alone; and it just so happens while you were browsing a site about sex, you discovered that you aren't alone, that its a common thing, and that you are talking to him now because you are excited about the possibility of exploring toys and fun with him. I think any man in his right mind is going to jump at the chance to find ways to pleasure you.

I don't want to be sexist as to say that all men like to fix things, but for the most part, I will say that the 'male or logically-oriented' mind is really all about the solution, the fixing. I put myself in that category. I can't do much for sympathy except feel guilty and withdrawn, but I will build you a fort out of kittens if you think it will fix the problem.

Giving him the opportunity to make you feel better about yourself, and jump head first into exploring ways to help you with that big-o is really going to be a good thing.

Good luck, doll!
10/11/2011
Wild Orchid Wild Orchid
Listen to the last Savage Love podcast. Dan just nails it. As long as the 2/3 of the female population fake to please their partners ego we'll never past this. Most people need to have the tissue that once was their genital tubercle stimulated. Woman needing her clit played with to come is no weirder than a guy who needs his penis touched to do the same.
10/12/2011
(k)InkyIvy (k)InkyIvy
I faked it for every single one of my sexual encounters in past relationships, plus all encounters for the first 2 years of this relationship. Finally, I realized that it wasn't fair to my partner to lie about being satisfied, nor was it fair to me!
So one day when it was just the two of us sitting around, I turned to him and told him exactly what the problem was. I needed help and attention and support to work through my issues from a past trauma. I was lucky- he was very understanding, though a bit hurt that I'd faked it at all.
It's been 2 more years, and we've made a ton of progress. Sometimes it takes more time and effort, other times it happens easily.
Just be honest with your partner. Explain to him exactly what you need to be satisfied. Yeah, it'll sound weird, but the way to not feel broken (which I can absolutely relate to) is to figure out exactly how you work and make it happen. Practice!
12/05/2011
Teaser Teaser
Quote:
Originally posted by Sephey
So I've never had a vaginal orgasm. But once in a while I can get through if I stimulate myself while my boyfriend and I are together.

The problem: He obviously doesn't realise that I need more than him to feel happy in the end. ... More
There is nothing wrong with you, you are you, and that is great! I am sure that if you talk to your man, he will understand, and WANT to help. Most men WANT to please their partners, and will do what ever it takes. There may be some training that has to happen, but I am sure you can help him help you. You could start by touching yourself during intercourse. He might not even notice.

I don't believe that my wife fakes during sex, I think she really cums. Occasionally, she doesn't, and I am pretty sure of it. She seems to cum easily, so I guess we are both lucky. We have a fairly open relationship, and we can talk about this sort of thing. She is vary aware that her pleasure is very important to me, and that is why we bring a verity of toys into the bedroom. This is also why I take so long with foreplay, she almost always has a couple of orgasms during foreplay.
12/08/2011
Teaser Teaser
Quote:
Originally posted by Wild Orchid
Listen to the last Savage Love podcast. Dan just nails it. As long as the 2/3 of the female population fake to please their partners ego we'll never past this. Most people need to have the tissue that once was their genital tubercle stimulated. ... More
Really? 2/3? I had no idea it was that high. I guess I'm lucky. See my post above.
12/08/2011
wildshores wildshores
i would suggest telling him (perhaps in a non-sexual setting) that you can't get off without some direct clit action, and it's not a shortcoming of his or yours. with intercourse he gets direct dick action. you're not getting stimulated where you can actually orgasm right now, that's the problem, he can help solve it.
you are certainly not broken. i've never orgasmed just vaginally and a lot of people don't. and you deserve that attention from your partner. good luck to you
11/28/2012
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 11