If you are bisexual or pansexual, and in a long term, monogamous relationship, do you ever feel like you're losing your identity?

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If you are bisexual or pansexual, and in a long term, monogamous relationship, do you ever feel like you're losing your identity?

Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
I'm a 32 year old bisexual woman, who has been with the same partner for nearly 15 years. I still find women just as sexually appealing as men, but cheating on my husband is something I would not think of doing. As such, I'm probably not going to have a sexual relationship with a woman ever again.

This leaves me wondering, do other bisexuals or pansexuals in long term relationships ever feel like they're losing part of their identity because of it? Have you actually changed the way you identify yourself?

Also, when someone finds out that you're bisexual or pansexual, does it offend you when they are genuinely shocked to find out you're capable of a long term, monogamous relationship? This has happened to me a few times, and it bugs me.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
When I'm in a long term monogamous relationship, I feel like I'm losing part of my identity.
14
I don't feel like I'm losing my identity at all.
8
I've actually changed the way I identify myself (straight/gay/lesbian rather than bisexual/pansexual).
1
I'm offended when someone is shocked that I'm capable of a long term, monogamous relationship.
11
This does not offend me at all.
5
Other.
7
Total votes: 46 (26 voters)
Poll is closed
03/31/2012
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Annemarie Annemarie
Pansexual, in a long-term, straight, monogamous relationship.

While I wouldn't say I've "changed" the way I identify, I would say that I've placed other gender identities on the backburner, so to speak. While I'm attracted to women, etc, I don't look beyond my partner. I don't want to. I don't need to. Women, etc, are attractive to me, but I don't view them as potential sex partners anymore. I'm fine with this.

It took me awhile to get over that I was never going to be with another woman (or another person), but, once I thought about it, I... didn't want to be with anyone else. I only want to be with my partner. I still identify as pansexual, and will for the rest of my life.

In my opinion (cannot stress this enough), if you have the desire to be with someone else that isn't your partner, there may be other underlying issues in the relationship. Talk to your partner, outside of the bedroom. Tell them how you feel. Maybe they might be open to having a threesome or an open relationship.
03/31/2012
Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
Quote:
Originally posted by Annemarie
Pansexual, in a long-term, straight, monogamous relationship.

While I wouldn't say I've "changed" the way I identify, I would say that I've placed other gender identities on the backburner, so to speak. While I'm ...
Thanks for responding!

It's less that I have a desire to be with someone else, and more that I woke up one morning and realized that a fundamental part of how I once viewed myself drastically changed without my really noticing it. It was a very surreal feeling.
03/31/2012
Ghost Ghost
I consider myself to be mostly attracted to women... however, due to circumstances, I have only ever been with men. I am now married to a man (we got married so I would have a place to live and insurance) and I often feel sexually stifled now that I have come to terms with my desire for women. I don't plan on doing anything about it, though.
03/31/2012
DreamWolf DreamWolf
You could officially call me pansexual because in my opinion beauty isn't even limited to humans, so for example I would gladly enjoy myself with a tree if that was my mood... Or an everyday item if it is safely manageable...

Living with my Master with the deepest heartfelt intention to stay with Him forever and ever doesn't mean that my taste has ever changed, because I still have attractions and fantasies, I share all my thoughts and dreams with Him, and He doesn't mind it at all because He knows they will remain just fantasies and taste, and He is open to have me experience some things of it, better to say to be correct that let's say if W/we ever found O/ourselves in a situation that a girl W/we like and adore wanted to live with U/us, being good enough for O/our T/taste and N/needs then it would be ok for B/both of U/us, as long as her presence doesn't create any disharmony between U/us, and in general... Also, if I ever developed an attraction in practice towards something non-human (let's say trees) He wouldn't mind it a bit as long as it is healthy and safe for me and doesn't distract me from my duties... ^^

I also feel somewhat offended when anyone says I am not capable of staying with Him forever, because I have had a very wild life in the past, and some of the folks I hung out with still considered me as the easygoing slut I was for years and years, and they totally didn't respect my decision that I didn't want to live like that anymore... They were fucking assholes though, so from someone who doesn't know me as much and expresses her/his opinion politely I don't mind it, as long as the person isn't rude...

So yep, I am who I always was, just little details changed, I am more open in some ways and in some ways I am less open to certain things, I am still the big wild slut but I dedicate that enthusiasm and hunger only to my Master and no one else, and as long as I am able to live with Him as happy as W/we live now then I have no worries about anything in the whole world! ^^ ~pants with a pounding heart just by thinking of her OnlyMaster
03/31/2012
catsin catsin
I was in a relationship with a person for four years before she came out as trans. It was kind of humorous to me seeing as I kept saying "I might be a lesbian" and then she came out.

During those years, though, yes, I did feel as if a part of me was being denied.
04/01/2012
pix pix
I am bisexual and been with a guy for over 4 years. I came out as bisexual about 1 year ago and it is definitely a source of discomfort that if I am with this guy for the rest of my life, I will never get to experience being with a woman (outside of a potential threesome). But I love the guy too much to want to do anything about it.
04/01/2012
TheParrishism TheParrishism
I have a bisexual boyfriend of two years and I always worry that he gets... restless. I don't want him to feel stifled or have any bad feelings toward me, but I also know that I am a very monogomous person. It's a strange place to be in.
04/02/2012
Bex1331 Bex1331
I am attracted to both men and women but I am in a monogamous relationship of over three years and I'm often very bothered by the fact that I'll never be with a woman, but I love my fiancé and I'm willing to make that sacrifice for him because I know that he would not be comfortable with polyamory.
04/03/2012
badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by Gone (LD29)
I'm a 32 year old bisexual woman, who has been with the same partner for nearly 15 years. I still find women just as sexually appealing as men, but cheating on my husband is something I would not think of doing. As such, I'm probably not ...
I feel sort of like I'm losing my identity, simply because I, like you, LOVE women. I miss them. I'm also poly, and my husband wouldn't understand that aspect so it has never come up.
04/23/2012
SouthernBelle SouthernBelle
Occasionally, I feel like I am losing my identity as a bisexual as I become more committed and have been monogamous with my partner for longer. I've made it important to surround myself with people who know, accept, and encourage my pride in my orientation. I do feel, however, that I may be shifting towards identifying as a lesbian the longer I am with my partner. Many of my friends, some of them homosexual (misunderstanding isn't just for straights anymore!), already consider me to be a lesbian because of my relationship and my lifestyle.
05/04/2012
Nirelan Nirelan
I'm more bicurious still.....with that said I tell everyone and could care less what they think of me for it.
05/05/2012
Nirelan Nirelan
Quote:
Originally posted by pix
I am bisexual and been with a guy for over 4 years. I came out as bisexual about 1 year ago and it is definitely a source of discomfort that if I am with this guy for the rest of my life, I will never get to experience being with a woman (outside of ...
Threesomes can be wonderful things if done correctly....
05/05/2012
mutewolf mutewolf
Pansexual in a heterosexual, long term relationship. We've been together for a year and a half (this makes me realize, how long does a relationship have to be before it 'counts' as a LTR?).

I don't feel like I'm losing my identity. My sexual identity is shifting and I'm exploring it and figuring it out. I am sexually frustrated. Lol. I'm poly, he's not, I have a massive sex drive, he's asexual. Gah. Anyways, no, I don't feel like I've 'lost myself' in this relationship. If anything, it's helped me figure out who I am.

I'm only 20 so I very rarely find people that think this is my 'last' relationship or whatever. I don't worry about it. It's my life and what they think about me doesn't matter. My romantic or sexual partners are none of their business unless I choose to involve them.
-shrug-

My 2 cents.
05/15/2012
cryinglightning86 cryinglightning86
I'm pansexual, and I'm in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It bothers me when people assume that I'm straight just because of my relationship with my boyfriend; in all actuality, he's the first person I came out to, and has probably been the most supportive of my sexuality. I have made the mistake several times of assuming people think I'm not straight (I mean, how many times do I have to talk about how big of a crush I have on Billie Piper before people know I like women?) and then mentioning it in conversation, and they're shocked. "But you have a boyfriend!" So?

When people don't know I have a boyfriend, they generally assume I'm a lesbian. I wear my hair very short and tend to wear more masculine clothing. I don't care for assumptions like that based on appearance anyway, but when people label me as gay, it's like they're completely disregarding the five years of history I have with my boyfriend. Not to mention that they're completely ignoring a huge section of my sexual identity.

I don't know why bisexuality or pansexuality seem to be so difficult for people to wrap their heads around, especially in regards to relationships. Just because I'm with a man doesn't mean that I've lost my ability to be attracted to women, and just because I'm attracted to women doesn't mean that I'm with my boyfriend for convenience.

As far as people being shocked that I can be in a long-term relationship, I have had that happen, but not as a result of me being pansexual. Moreso because I have a really high libido and openly talk about sex. Makes no sense to me in the slightest.
05/16/2012
Rainbow Brite Rainbow Brite
Quote:
Originally posted by badk1tty
I feel sort of like I'm losing my identity, simply because I, like you, LOVE women. I miss them. I'm also poly, and my husband wouldn't understand that aspect so it has never come up.
I know what you're saying. I miss women so much. From what we've experienced, he'll "share" me with another girl, but another guy is off limits unless he's there, and he approves him. I suppose that is fair, but it makes me feel restless. I also don't want to "share" everything. I'm Pan, and Poly. But we are in a monogamous relationship, and it's hard for me. I love him so much...
05/18/2012
Rainbow Brite Rainbow Brite
Quote:
Originally posted by Nirelan
Threesomes can be wonderful things if done correctly....
They can be quite nice, huh
05/18/2012
MissBean MissBean
Quote:
Originally posted by Gone (LD29)
I'm a 32 year old bisexual woman, who has been with the same partner for nearly 15 years. I still find women just as sexually appealing as men, but cheating on my husband is something I would not think of doing. As such, I'm probably not ...
I'm pan and in a long term hetero-presenting relationship. I actually came out as pan while in the relationship, because up until that point I had never felt supported enough in my gender expression and sexuality to be able to come out. There's a good chance that I won't date anyone else, but I know that I'll always be pan because I feel that my attraction is more that a question of who I find attractive and more so who I feel capable of loving. Knowing that, were my partner any other gender or sexuality, I would still love them, affirms that in my mind.
And yes, I am always shocked that people can't believe I can sustain long term relationships. In a way it seems as though they expect my inclusive attraction to involve sleeping with all different kinds of people at the same time.
05/18/2012
MissBean MissBean
Quote:
Originally posted by cryinglightning86
I'm pansexual, and I'm in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It bothers me when people assume that I'm straight just because of my relationship with my boyfriend; in all actuality, he's the first person I ...
This is so similar to my own experience- I always have a good laugh at people who assume I'm straight when I'm with my boyfriend or lesbian when I'm by myself. I guess sometimes people forget there are more than two ways to be attracted to people.
05/18/2012
Girly Juice Girly Juice
I'm a bisexual woman in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a man.

I used to feel like I was losing a part of my identity, especially when biphobic/heterophobic shit would happen to me in queer spaces I'd formerly felt comfortable in (for example, I got booed for kissing my boyfriend at a Pride event).

Then I decided to start volunteering at a queer organization, as a way to regain my queer roots and to spend more time with "my people," and that has helped a ton.
05/19/2012
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
You must ask yourself who the "true" you is: someone who will cheat on her husband to be true to her urges or someone who will not to be true to her vows. No matter what you do, you'll live with the consequences of being "true" to yourself. Judging by the past several years with your husband, you've already determined which of your "true" identities you'd rather live with.
05/19/2012
Total posts: 21
Unique posters: 17