I want to be with women, but don't want to hurt my boyfriend...help?

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I want to be with women, but don't want to hurt my boyfriend...help?

britanny0620 britanny0620
I identify as Pansexual, and although I've always told people that I have a preference for women, I didn't think there would come a time where I felt like if I were with a man, I'd also want to be with a woman. I used to feel like I could be totally content with someone of either gender, but recently in my relationship with a man I've found myself wanting a, at least sexual, relationship with a woman. My boyfriend has a...well, shall we say, old-school idea of what sex is. That sex=love and that you cannot (or should not) have sex with someone you don't love, and that ANYTHING you do with anyone else is considered cheating.

Background information on the relationship, I met him when I was at a point in my life that I decided I hadn't wanted a relationship, I just wanted to explore sexuality and live life a little. He wanted me to settle down with him, and although I didn't think I was ready, I did. Now I'm starting to regret it, but I don't have any other substantial problems in the relationship.
06/03/2012
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britanny0620 britanny0620
Quote:
Originally posted by britanny0620
I identify as Pansexual, and although I've always told people that I have a preference for women, I didn't think there would come a time where I felt like if I were with a man, I'd also want to be with a woman. I used to feel like I ...
I've already talked to him a little bit and he's not really comfortable with it. The things I'm looking for help with are things like:

How do I try to re-explain it to him that's not in a way that will hurt him (alternatively: the way that will hurt him least)?

What information may I have missed out on the first time I tried to talk to him about it?

Is there another way to be going about the situation?

What's your opinion on the situation? Am I wrong for wanting/requesting this?

Have you ever been through something similar?
If so, how did you get through/past it?

Do you think it was the wrong decision to settle down although my instinct was against it? (Actually, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to that, but any input on it would be great, thank you)

What other options do I have in this situation?
06/03/2012
CindyH CindyH
just be honest with him
06/03/2012
ScarletFox ScarletFox
I found this article a while back when I was going through the same thing, while it was directed towards people who where poly and in relationships with a partner that was monogamous I found that it really helped me.

Polyamory for the Monogamous

I hope that helps you!
06/03/2012
britanny0620 britanny0620
Quote:
Originally posted by ScarletFox
I found this article a while back when I was going through the same thing, while it was directed towards people who where poly and in relationships with a partner that was monogamous I found that it really helped me.

Polyamory for the ...
Thanks so much
06/04/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
The thing about relationships is how both of you have decided you will run the relationship. Gender of lovers does NOT matter. Women lovers (for the woman in the relationship) "count" just as much as male lovers would. (I think the idea that "female lovers don't 'count'" is really disrespectful of all women, especially those who take other women as their lovers exclusively.)

If the dynamic of your relationship is monogamy, that you don't sleep with other people, unless you change the understanding of the relationship and you both agree to it.

If your man is willing to open the relationship, then you will both be free to sleep with anybody, male or female.

If he isn't into an Open Relationship, then you have some choices; Live within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship, leave the relationship (which is the most honest thing to do if you NEED other lovers) or cheat.

I don't advise cheating in ANY relationship. If there is an understanding that the relationship is Open to other people, then both of you are Open to see others. One sided Open Relationships are usually unfair and someone will end up getting badly hurt, not to mention the resentment that will happen. (Constructing and living in an Open Relationship isn't easy, I've done it, and I think monogamy is actually more simple and less stressful.) But, if you NEED more than one lover, you NEED to be honest with the man who expects and probably NEEDS monogamy.

His needs and your needs may not be both workable in this relationship. Incompatibility is often inevitable if one person wants one type of relationship and the other person disagrees.
06/04/2012
Bex1331 Bex1331
I've heard the book "The Ethical Slut" is a great guide to starting out with polyamory, I just bought it but I haven't read it yet...
06/04/2012
britanny0620 britanny0620
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
The thing about relationships is how both of you have decided you will run the relationship. Gender of lovers does NOT matter. Women lovers (for the woman in the relationship) "count" just as much as male lovers would. (I think the idea ...
That's how I believe it is, that the terms of any relationship should be established by THAT relationship - but I also believe that the terms can be open for negotiation at some point as long as both (or all) parties agree. I do believe that women COUNT, as I've been with many women in my past and would never want any of those experiences to be invalidated by the idea that same-sex sex or relationship doesn't count. It does, but in the context of some of my past relationships, if I were with a man I was free to be with other women and the man wouldn't care because that was something that he could not provide me with, but it would hurt him if I were with another man. I don't, even in the slightest, mean to imply anything against either gender. Likewise, I've been in relationships where the girl I was with wanted to have the freedom to be with a man if she so chose because they have different parts than I do and can provide her with a different sensation than I could. I also understand that being worded that way, EVERY SINGLE PERSON could provide someone with a different sensation than someone else, but for the sake of this conversation I only mean men versus women.

The current dynamic is monogamy, and that's what I'm looking to change - to an extent.

I do understand that if I change the rules for one person, they will be changed for BOTH people, that wasn't something that I have a problem with and have mentioned it to him. I would never expect to be able to do something and not allow him to do the same (or something that we both found to be a fair trade.)

I'm not ready to leave the relationship over something like this, although I know that I am well within my rights to leave if I did ever want to.

I will not cheat. If I wanted to cheat, I wouldn't be fighting so hard to have permission to do what I feel that I need - I'd just do it.

Thank you for your advice and input, I'll take all of it into consideration and I appreciate your time and thoughts very much
06/04/2012
britanny0620 britanny0620
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
I've heard the book "The Ethical Slut" is a great guide to starting out with polyamory, I just bought it but I haven't read it yet...
I'll look into it, I've heard about it before. Thank you!
06/04/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by britanny0620
That's how I believe it is, that the terms of any relationship should be established by THAT relationship - but I also believe that the terms can be open for negotiation at some point as long as both (or all) parties agree. I do believe that ...
I'm glad you're not going to cheat. I don't think that benefits any relationship.

I have a hard time understanding, though the "I'm allowed to have sex with the same gender as myself." thing. Here's my reasoning; many people, especially if they are bi, gender queer, or fluid, can fall in love with either gender. Right? The way I see it, if LOVE is a possibility, the sex isn't the issue. Someone who is gender queer or bi is just as likely to end their primary relationship to go and stay with someone of their same sex, if they fall in love. Right? Even if they weren't planning on falling in love, it happens.

That's just my understanding of it, and why I said, "Sex with women still "counts"" because you can still fall in love. I would think the fear of one's lover falling in love with an other person is more scary than having them simply have sex with an other person (at least that's the way I think.) I just wanted to clarify why I said what I did.

I hope you and he are able to work it out so both of you are comfortable with the relationship.

Good luck.
06/04/2012
britanny0620 britanny0620
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I'm glad you're not going to cheat. I don't think that benefits any relationship.

I have a hard time understanding, though the "I'm allowed to have sex with the same gender as myself." thing. Here's my reasoning; ...
Oooh I see. Yes, there's a very real chance that I could fall in love with either gender, and since my preference is female, that makes the risk even higher. That makes much more sense to me - and could be another reason he's worried.

I wasn't worried at all about falling IN LOVE with someone, to be honest, right now it's just a sexual thing. I'm not sure if that's going to change or not, as you said, "Even if they weren't planning on falling in love, it happens."

Thank you for the clarification, it makes a lot more sense to me that way
06/04/2012
Khanner Khanner
I hate to be the one throwing cold water on you, but in my friends' experiences, poly and mono people trying to date just doesn't work out.

I don't think you should ever force yourself or someone else to settle down. It seems like you two are on totally different levels when if comes to your relationship. It's great that you're being honest with him because most people I have seen in this situation will just cheat and stonewall. That said, I'm not too optimistic by the way you're describing it. In my experience, most people will have a set amount of sexual exclusivity that seldom flexes.

I really hope you can work it out.
06/04/2012
peachmarie peachmarie
Quote:
Originally posted by britanny0620
I identify as Pansexual, and although I've always told people that I have a preference for women, I didn't think there would come a time where I felt like if I were with a man, I'd also want to be with a woman. I used to feel like I ...
Oh my goodness I'm in the same boat so to speak. I'm Bi not pan but I've always found myself attracted to women, my boyfriend is also very traditional in sex and even though i want to experience things with a woman i am limited by my relationship with him. I guess you just really have to evaluate how important having sex with a female partner is to you, if you explain it to him rationally, tell him that it doesn't diminish your feelings for him, maybe let him be in on meeting and starting a friendship with your female partners so he doesn't feel like your sneaking around behind his back? Or if he's a super tight ass would you be able to do these things behind his back with the knowledge that if you were caught your relationship might be over? Really in a perfect world everyone would get what they wanted and everyone would be understanding of each others needs but that's not always how it works. In the end if he won't work with you can you be satisfied by your sex life with him? Can you incorporate different things into your sex life together to fill that void? I feel for you girl. Let me know how things work out. Good luck.
06/06/2012
Total posts: 13
Unique posters: 7