Introducing self as pansexual to a lesbian...

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Introducing self as pansexual to a lesbian...

catsin catsin
In my experience with lesbians, many have an adverse opinion of those who are not "strictly" lesbian. They become disinterested in me when they find I've been with males before.

I'm wondering if those of you who ARE lesbians or have experienced this phenomenon could give me advice.

How might I go about approaching a lesbian as a pansexual? Although I am female, I identify more as genderqueer and don't see gender as a necessary factor in my decision to hold relationships with a person. It isn't about acquiring more sex, it's just my perspective of reality.

Any advice?
03/24/2012
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charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by catsin
In my experience with lesbians, many have an adverse opinion of those who are not "strictly" lesbian. They become disinterested in me when they find I've been with males before.

I'm wondering if those of you who ARE lesbians ...
For me, the idea of a man touching a woman I'm with is a little squicky. I can't exactly explain why. I don't like, or often get involved in, relationships that aren't monogamous, but when I have, it always bothers me if one of my partners other partners is male. I'm less bugged by her seeing other women for some weird reason. Had a situation a while back where I was seeing a girl, we'll call her Lexi, who was also seeing one other girl, whom we'll call Jen, and one guy, let's say Ron. I didn't like being one of three of Lexi's partners and it didn't last long, but during that time I got to be friendly with Jen. Never did anything romantic or sexual with her, we just knew each other through our social circle and eventually it became the elephant in the room that we were both seeing the same person so we got to talking. Turned out, she had the same feeling about Ron that I did. See, I never minded all that much if I knew Lexi was with Jen, but when Lexi was with Ron, it really irritated me and I hated hearing her talk about him and knowing that he was having sex with her really super grossed me out. Jen felt the same way. She didn't care if Lexi was with me, but was all squicked about her being with Ron. It was a bizarre triangle, the whole thing and I hated it. Neither Jen or I could really pin down why we were more upset about her being with Ron than with either of us. Later on, after both Jen & I stopped seeing Lexi, Lexi was seeing another guy and we both HATED him, even worse than we hated Ron. Now, knowing a woman has slept with men in her past, that doesn't bother me. Once upon a time in what I refer to as "the dark days" so did I. But knowing a girl I'm sleeping with is currently or has very recently been with a guy, for reasons I can't fully explain, definitely bugs me. I'm guessing it's something to do with the fact that penis is a huge turn off for me and having sex with a girl who has recently had sex with a guy knowing there was a penis there recently, or, worse, a penis in her mouth and I'm now kissing her... I know, I mean, assuming she's hygienic and brushed her teeth and all that it's not like it's actually dirty or has cooties or anything. I KNOW there's nothing inherently more gross about a penis than a vagina, all the individuals' health and hygiene considerations being equal, but it's just a major turn off to me. It's just like, eww, she had a cock in her mouth and now my tongue is there. I also know a lot of lesbians have had bad experiences with girls who aren't lesbians breaking their hearts because of going back to men or cheating on them with men which has sort of soured them on non-lesbians. I really try, personally, to be open to the girls who are bi/pan/unlabeled/whate ver (when they're not the bi-curious or doing it because guys think it's hot or "lesbian-until-graduat ion" or "I-like-girls-but-I-ev entually-wanna-settle- down-with-a-guy" kind) because, in theory, I embrace the idea that love is about a person and not a gender. I, myself, have never been turned on by any male-identified or male-bodied person and would never want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't turn me on, so I stick with what works for me. But in THEORY, the equal opportunity mindset jives more with my general philosophy. But it goes back to what turns me on. And knowing I'm playing where a penis recently was is a major turn off. I don't know if that's the mindset of any of the girls you've dealt with but thought I'd share my experience.
As to advice about how to handle approaching them, I think it's just kind of a hit or miss thing. Not all lesbians are going to be open to it. Of course, guys are a lot more open to dating a girl who also sleeps with girls. For me, if the right person came along and she happened to not be strictly lesbian but of the "it's not about gender" frame of mind and she was looking for the type of relationship I am, I'd be open to seeing how things went with her. Not all lesbians are going to be. I think being as honest as you can is really important and making sure they know that it's not that you sleep with girls on the side or that you play with girls but really see a husband in your future is key, of course. Making sure that they understand your philosophy and approach to dating people of both genders is the only thing I think you can really do. Other than that, it's up to them. Some will be ok with it, others won't.
03/24/2012
Vanille Vanille
It wouldn't bother me, so as long as that person doesn't drop me like an old overcoat for another guy, woman, or othersuch-identifying individual should 'better' come along for them.
03/24/2012
SubmissiveFeminist SubmissiveFeminist
I'm pansexual and I know a few people who really dislike pansexual or bisexual people because they are seen as more "loose." Just explain what being pansexual really means. It does not mean one should assume we are poly or date/sleep with more than one gender at a time. Anyone worth dating will understand. Good luck! xx
03/24/2012
Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
i'm so confused by this term pansexual. Please forgive my ignorance. But plz can you help me understand. When I read the posts it sounds as if it is a person who dates both sexes. I thought this was called bi sexual. IDK. i'm very confused.

i hope i have not offended anyone. I swear it is not my intention. I am just very couriouse about this term.

HUGS
03/25/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by Loriandhubby
i'm so confused by this term pansexual. Please forgive my ignorance. But plz can you help me understand. When I read the posts it sounds as if it is a person who dates both sexes. I thought this was called bi sexual. IDK. i'm very confused. ...
The term "Pansexual" deliberately eschews the idea of a gender binary, so it is not someone who dates "both" sexes, but ALL sexes and gender identities. It allows that there may be male, female, trans*, genderqueer, genderfluid, intersexed, people who do not identify with a gender, and countless other identities relating to gender. It fully embraces and synthesizes the ideas that a. gender is not limited to male/female and b. love, sex, and attraction are about people, not gender. It's really kind of a beautiful idea, in my opinion. It also decries the idea that sexual orientation is binary (you're gay or straight) to the level that the idea of bisexuality failed to reach. Bisexuality is presumed to be someone who falls somewhere in the middle of the gay-straight spectrum. Pansexuality encompasses all of the above and more. I suppose it may be difficult to grasp unless you are familiar with all the intricacies of gender identity. There's countless ways people identify their gender or lack thereof. There's also countless labels people choose to identify their sexual orientation. The combinations of these two result in a very long list indeed. No longer are we a society of straight male, straight female, gay male, lesbian female, if indeed we ever were. Even by adding bisexual male, bisexual female, you're still not even scratching the surface. The list is practically endless. I hope this gives you a better understanding.
03/25/2012
Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
The term "Pansexual" deliberately eschews the idea of a gender binary, so it is not someone who dates "both" sexes, but ALL sexes and gender identities. It allows that there may be male, female, trans*, genderqueer, genderfluid, ...
yes it does. i think i understand now. thank you so much for sharing and not being offended. I am a house wife who has been sheltered for 18 yrs.

have a great night. HUGS . lori
03/25/2012
TheParrishism TheParrishism
I think that what freaks out lesbians are the high number of temporary lesbians. So many people, esp nowadays, have been 'trying it out.' I think it worries people that you may not be taking it as seriously as they are themselves.
03/25/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by TheParrishism
I think that what freaks out lesbians are the high number of temporary lesbians. So many people, esp nowadays, have been 'trying it out.' I think it worries people that you may not be taking it as seriously as they are themselves.
An addendum to this: It's not that they're not taking being a lesbian seriously, for me at least. I don't think there's much about being a lesbian to "take seriously" for me, it just is what it is. But I take my relationships serious as a heart attack. People's feelings and hearts are at stake and I never take that lightly and I expect whoever I'm dating to be the same. If they are just doing it as a fling or just to "try it out" or on a lark, that's really hurtful to me and there's a lot of women like that. They'll date and sleep with women but only really see themselves in serious relationships with men. It's really common and I, for one, don't want to start dating someone that has zero potential to grow into a serious relationship. I don't want to put forth the effort of getting to know someone and, for lack of a better word, wooing them and possibly developing feelings for them, if they are already planning for it not to last because that's a recipe for heartache. Not that I expect someone to be committed to long term right off the bat, but at least open to a long term relationship developing. I would never start dating someone knowing full well from the start that they aren't someone I'd be with long term because that's not fair to them and a waste of both of our time. I've had numerous people start dating me who knew, for various reasons, that there was no long term potential but they didn't really let me in on that and I ended up getting hurt. I think a lot of lesbians see a higher risk of this with girls who also date guys because so many of them plan on eventually settling down and/or marrying a man. For a pansexual who is equally open to a relationship developing regardless of the persons' gender, it's important to let prospective romantic interests know that you're serious, not just trying it our or doing it for fun.
03/25/2012
catsin catsin
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
The term "Pansexual" deliberately eschews the idea of a gender binary, so it is not someone who dates "both" sexes, but ALL sexes and gender identities. It allows that there may be male, female, trans*, genderqueer, genderfluid, ...
You took the words right out of my head!! <3
03/25/2012
catsin catsin
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
An addendum to this: It's not that they're not taking being a lesbian seriously, for me at least. I don't think there's much about being a lesbian to "take seriously" for me, it just is what it is. But I take my ...
Thank you for your insight! Esp. the letting them "know that you're serious" bit.

I've discovered through the years that I find relationships with females to be much more fitting for me, but in my struggle to assert my interests, I've wound up in serious relationships with a guy and a trans woman (separately). Two months ago I called it quits with my trans mate of four years and thus the reason for asking my question!

I appreciate the help!
03/25/2012
Caus Caus
I don't know how to put it in not so blunt terms but I feel like dismissing someone based on just a label alone is bullshit. The thought of 'temporary lesbianism" is also bullshit. Orientations can sometimes be fluid and people shouldn't be patronized for their interests changing. Lesbianism isn't a club where people should 'prove themselves" you know?
03/25/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by catsin
Thank you for your insight! Esp. the letting them "know that you're serious" bit.

I've discovered through the years that I find relationships with females to be much more fitting for me, but in my struggle to assert my ...
I think letting them know that you feel that relationships with women suit you more should dramatically help your cause. The woman I dated that I reference above as "Lexi" feels that way. She likes sex with men but hasn't ever been happy in a relationship with one. However, she's also one of the people in my past who led me to believe there was longterm potential and ended up hurting me quite badly when she revealed that wasn't the case. I think communication in general is key. And if anyone isn't willing to at least hear you out, they're not really worth your time, in my humble opinion.
03/25/2012
Tangerine Tangerine
What is a pansexual and a genderqueer? I am not really in "the scene" so I dont know what these terms mean
05/10/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
If you scroll up about 8 posts in this thread, there's a detailed explanation of the term "pansexual".
"Genderqueer" is a label used by many individuals who find that they don't fit into the male/female binary but identify as falling somewhere along the gender spectrum, which identity may or may not change from day to day, week to week, month to month, as the individual feels. Many people feel that the idea that humans are either male or female is too limiting, in fact, many posit that there are MANY possible genders, not just two. Just as pansexuals allow for attraction to people outside the binary, genderqueers are one of many identities who fall in that category. Others may include transgender, transsexual, other trans* identities, genderfluid, intersexed, people who do not identify with a gender and many others. Genderqueer individuals, regardless of their anatomy, identify as neither male or female, but may lean more towards one side or the other of the spectrum, and again, this may vary at any given moment, and they may choose one pronoun or the other to request that others use and to use to describe themselves, or they may accept either from those around them, and/or may use both depending on how their feeling in that moment, or they may adopt an alternative pronoun such as Ze or Hir. I've known several genderqueer and genderfluid individuals who referred to themselves by female pronouns some days and male pronouns on other days and would accept those around them to use whichever that person preferred.
05/10/2012
Total posts: 15
Unique posters: 8