Losing your virginity a second time?

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Losing your virginity a second time?

AlleyKitten AlleyKitten
I often hear about gay folks sayin they lost their virginity twice, once while trying to be striaght and once when they first slept with someone of the prefered gender. Do you think this is true?
09/19/2012
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namelesschaos namelesschaos
Virginity is purely a social construct if someone wants to construct it differently who I'm I to say they are wrong. Personally I completely reject the concept of "losing virginity", it not a loss to gain experience.
09/19/2012
Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
Sure. Why not.
09/19/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by namelesschaos
Virginity is purely a social construct if someone wants to construct it differently who I'm I to say they are wrong. Personally I completely reject the concept of "losing virginity", it not a loss to gain experience.
This. You summed up my thoughts better than I could.
09/19/2012
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by namelesschaos
Virginity is purely a social construct if someone wants to construct it differently who I'm I to say they are wrong. Personally I completely reject the concept of "losing virginity", it not a loss to gain experience.
Yes! Thank you. This is how I feel. I personally hate the whole concept of virginity. It's something that is mostly used to be degrading to women who are promiscuous in the eyes of others.
09/19/2012
aluminummm aluminummm
I wholeheartedly reject the concept of virginity for a variety of reasons. But I will say that the first time I had sex with a guy (while still very much in the closet; I thought I could fuck the gay away) and the first time I had sex with someone who wasn't a cis-het dude were two very different experiences.
09/19/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Words have meanings - but not significance beyond what you assign to them. I don't believe that you can change the meaning of words just because you don't like the connotation. However you can change your the importance of the meaning in your life.

I don't buy that you can lose your virginity 2x. But I agree with those that say losing virginity is a negative spin on something that should be positive.

Sexual experience is a positive outcome if it's consensual and reasonably pleasurable.

Why is virginity important? Once you've lost it - move on and add significance to your new experiences.
09/19/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Words have meanings - but not significance beyond what you assign to them. I don't believe that you can change the meaning of words just because you don't like the connotation. However you can change your the importance of the meaning in your ...
I agree--words do have meanings, and deconstructing them in order to be more comfortable with their connotations is unnecessary. What is behind the word and the significance you place on it is worthy of discussion, though. For example: slut has a negative connotation, but it's something that I've come to embrace because I don't appreciate the concept behind it. I know what it means though, and I'm not interested in changing the definition. How I relate to it is more important to me.

Virginity is complicated, anyway. I know people who think that lesbians who have never been with a man are all virgins, because "two women can't have sex." Ummm...really? Way to diminish those experiences! So then, sex is something that men can do, and something they do to women because a penis is required...interesting . So, if a man's wife has an affair with a woman, he can rest easy that it wasn't a full blown affair, because "two women can't have sex."

So, does losing your virginity mean penetrative sex? Does it have to be between the opposite sexes? What about oral sex? Does anal sex count? Who cares? It's like that Christian movement that seeks to give teens who have had sex a "second chance at virginity!" You just agree to not have sex again until marriage. Um, no...that doesn't mean you are the holy coveted virgin in the honeymoon bed. It just means that you decided to stay celibate until you got married. You are not a virgin. That movement always irked me, anyway. It places such an unhealthy, almost sacred status on the virgin--and implies that you are somehow unworthy or less of a bride/groom if you're no longer a virgin. The whole concept disgusts me. Virgins aren't saintly, they aren't more "pure," they aren't better human beings, they don't have golden sperm or wombs made of angel's breath, so stop treating them like they are semi-godly beings. If a person decides to abstain until marriage, I totally respect that--especially if they have their own reasons, and not some ill-conceived. guilt-laced notion of human sexuality as a dirty, awful, shameful burden we must carry and can only access the pleasures of through a ceremony.
09/19/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Oooooh, here's a hot button issue of mine.
First of all, I think virginity is a completely antiquated, misogynistic and just plain stupid concept to begin with. The hymen is also an antiquated concept, at least in the way society teaches it, that we've placed FAR too much importance on for FAR too long. There is, except in rare cases, nothing to "break" or "pop". The hymen is a thin membrane held over from gestation in the womb. During gestation, the hymen protects the female fetus' internal sex organs. As the girl ages, especially once the hormones from puberty are introduced, the hymen reduces until, in most cases, it is a little fringe around the edge of her vaginal opening (there are exceptions to this rule and some girls may never have had one or theirs may have simply disappeared during development altogether). This little fringe is rarely "broken". It is not some barrier to be popped or perforated. It CAN be torn, but with proper stretching, lubrication, arousal and gentle handling, it can simply be stretched with no pain or discomfort, just like almost any other soft tissue in your body. And, like other soft tissues, it will heal and regain it's elasticity after time if the woman doesn't have sex for a while, leaving the woman, unless she was more substantially injured during sex, physically undistinguishable from her pre-sex self. Virginity was a social construct originated to control and suppress women and their sexuality and reinforce the ownership of women by men. The hymen myth substantiated this construct, as well as providing an explanation for the pain a woman feels during her first intercourse if her partner is careless, clumsy, inexperienced or impatient. Virginity has also been the cause, very unnecessarily, of many ruined lives and families. Virginity tests or exams are ridiculous, embarrassing, oppressive rituals (that are thankfully no longer routinely practiced) that, except in the case of the anomaly of imperforate hymens, can never be conclusive! My philosophy is that our sexual lives are a series of firsts, and repeat performances. There are things many people won't do until late in their lives or may not ever do, and there is no proscribed progression or order in which these firsts should happen for each individual. One first does not necessarily negate or reduce the importance of a first that may come later in the individual's life. I had my first sexual experiences with a man, but later came out as a lesbian. The fact that I had once had a penis in my vagina in no way tarnished or diminished the significance of my first experiences with a woman. Each experience is significant, each first is significant. I've been having sex for over 9 years, I've been having sex with women for 8, and I just had a new first last week that blew my mind and will remain a cherished memory. There is simply nothing so magical about penis-in-vagina sex that it renders all new sexual experiences that follow it somehow less important. It does not fundamentally alter a person in any real way.
Annnnnnd, off my soap box. Sorry if this was rant-y.
09/19/2012
GONE! GONE!
^ I agree with this, especially the part about sex being a series of firsts. I've tried lots of things in my life, and they were all new things once. I didn't feel any less "pure" after having sex with another person for the first time... I was already sexually active with myself.
09/20/2012
Jewlickah Jewlickah
Quote:
Originally posted by namelesschaos
Virginity is purely a social construct if someone wants to construct it differently who I'm I to say they are wrong. Personally I completely reject the concept of "losing virginity", it not a loss to gain experience.
Perfect.

Edit: So many good posts here!
09/20/2012
fernwehh fernwehh
This is a super interesting thread! I didn't really feel like I "lost my virginity" twice but the experiences were both quite different and good in their own ways, I don't have any negative feelings toward the times that I had sex with a cis guy but it's been really fun and a definite eye-opener to finally have sex with people who aren't boys lately. I don't see it as a "loss" of "virginity" though, just a new thing I get to do now that I'm happily openly queer, haha.
09/21/2012
AlleyKitten AlleyKitten
Very interesting discussion this turned into. I agree with it being an outdated concept. I'm a gay man myself so a hymen is not really an issue for me. Still, I spent a lot of time convincing myself I was a virgin because I had never vaginally penetrated someone. I'd only been penetrated anally myself by other men and mostly had non-penetrative sex. It wasn't until I turned 19 and realized that calling myself a virgin while having had 7 sexual partners was somewhat farfetched and perhaps wrong. Yet, people would say that I was a virgin. I think its highly subjective, in the end. But for me losing my virginity happened that one time when I was 13 with another dude using only hands. I don't care anymore of that is considered to not be enough sex for me not to be vrigin.

In the end, though, I think it's important to remember that virginity is not a term that was ever intended to inlcude queer people. So it's not weird if we end up being confused about this.
09/22/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
I think, given the range of sexual experiences and encounters available that we should just toss the term "virginity" out the window all together. That'll never happen, but if I ever have children I'm going to teach them that it was a silly word for a silly concept that has no value whatsoever.
09/23/2012
AlleyKitten AlleyKitten
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
I think, given the range of sexual experiences and encounters available that we should just toss the term "virginity" out the window all together. That'll never happen, but if I ever have children I'm going to teach them that it was ...
I agree!
09/23/2012
Midway through Midway through
I guess my idea of virginity was socially constructed by your parents. A lot of my friends have the preconceived notion that it's when the hymen is broke in females, and the first time the penis is put into an orifice for males. My mother broke her hymen in a bike wreck. Nothing penetrated her, just the blunt impact busted it. So I guess my parents raised me to believe it's when you first have someone else in one of your orifices or put yourself in someones orifice. I guess I sort of agree, but I don't see the big hype behind it. My boyfriend was a virgin before me, but neither of us care about it.
09/23/2012
zz1aag zz1aag
Quote:
Originally posted by AlleyKitten
I often hear about gay folks sayin they lost their virginity twice, once while trying to be striaght and once when they first slept with someone of the prefered gender. Do you think this is true?
i belive it
09/24/2012
Nacht Stern Nacht Stern
It is just a word.
09/28/2012
Total posts: 18
Unique posters: 15