I want to be submissive, but...

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I want to be submissive, but...

Asher Asher
I really want to be submissive to my partner...but she is always nervous about being dom. She wants to get into it too...but the issue is that sometimes she will bust out laughing in the middle of play time due to being nervous. So yeah...after that the mood is broken. How can we fix this...or how can I help her?
11/12/2012
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charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by Asher
I really want to be submissive to my partner...but she is always nervous about being dom. She wants to get into it too...but the issue is that sometimes she will bust out laughing in the middle of play time due to being nervous. So yeah...after that ...
my Mistress was new to BDSM when Wwe got involved. She read a lot of books and Wwe attended some community events and workshops and things which helped Uus a lot. i'd highly recommend some good books, The New Topping Book is a great place to start, and finding your local kink community.
In the meantime, some tricks She could try:
-Blindfolding you might make Her feel more in control and less self-conscious if you can't see Her fumbles or see Her hesitate, etc.
-my Mistress, and other Tops Wwe've talked to, some very experienced, make notes or scripts or plan the scene before hand so that they know what they're going to do, even so far as to write out things they plan to say or key words they intend to use. Maybe She could have note cards to refer to or something. Again, blindfolding you could help because then you couldn't see Her refer to Her notes or whatever.
-If She's nervous about a new technique or tool, She can use it on a wall or a pillow or something non-living to practice swinging it or moving it around. my Mistress practices flogging the wall and someone suggested practicing caning on a dark pillow with some baby powder sprinkled on it so it's easy to see where the cane falls and the puff of powder from the impact can be used to gauge how hard the impact was. Tools like paddles could be used on the tops of Her own thighs so She knows how it feels.
-Collaring you, or using some other ritual to begin a scene might help Her to feel more in control. Putting on a collar at the beginning of a scene is a very common way to put both players in the right mindset.
-Language can help as well. Language like "Yes, Ma'am" and asking permission, etc. might help put Her in the right mood and set the scene. You could even begin a switch in language before a scene, say starting it during the day if you are planning to play that night, texting or phone calls or in person if the two of you are together, so that the mood is set long before you go into the scene. She can use language to, calling you whatever types of names or labels you guys prefer, things like "my girl/boy" or "pet" or "slave" or "submissive" or "mine", or dirty things like "sex doll" or "slut" or whatever helps both of you feel in the mood.
11/12/2012
Taylor Taylor
I think staying positive and encouraging about it is the most helpful thing you can do. If the mood gets broken just try and get back into it. If she's worried about doing it perfectly then it might make it harder for her to be confortable with it.
11/12/2012
Asher Asher
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
my Mistress was new to BDSM when Wwe got involved. She read a lot of books and Wwe attended some community events and workshops and things which helped Uus a lot. i'd highly recommend some good books, The New Topping Book is a great place to ...
Thankyou...this is a very good answer. Reading it made me feel calm and more secure about what I want.
11/14/2012
TheParrishism TheParrishism
Bossy Bottom?
11/16/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by Asher
Thankyou...this is a very good answer. Reading it made me feel calm and more secure about what I want.
Glad i could help. Feel free to inbox me if you have any other questions or there's anything else i might be able to help with.
11/16/2012
Innocent Mathias Innocent Mathias
I know how you feel
11/19/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
It could be that being a Dom is not really her thing. It's not for everyone. I couldn't be the dominant one...I've tried it in the past with a former boyfriend, and I hated it. I found out later that I absolutely love being submissive, so it makes sense.

But like with any new role being played, especially in an intimate setting where we have to let our guard down, and confidence is important if you want to make it work, it's something that takes time to get used to. When I first discovered my submissive side with my guy, I'd giggle a bit in the bedroom, feel silly and self conscious...but he kept on going with his role, confidently, and it helped me realize that I needed to be confident in my role as the submissive one. Submissive doesn't mean passive, you know? It didn't happen immediately, but rather in degrees, until we found a harmonious balance. It took a lot of open communication and exploring what we both want and expect from each other. I'd keep a positive attitude, assure her that the nervousness is unnecessary, because you're really turned on by her taking on that role. For me, when I'd get nervous and giggly, if he stayed in his role and kept going, it helped me get back into mine. Maybe you could try doing that with her and see if it works.

In any case, good luck!
11/19/2012
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 6