Trans* dating trans* - Any advice?

kadelette kadelette
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out of it. She's expressed an interest in being treated in a more traditionally female way. She's one of my first girlfriends since I've come out as trans.

Any tips on how I can break out of the female role? Any suggestions on how to make her feel more womanly? (And yes, I know gender is a societal construct but this really matters to her and it's adding to my dysphoria.) Thanks guys!
11/26/2012
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Genderfree Genderfree
Quote:
Originally posted by kadelette
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out ... More
I've been in a similar situation and me and my ex girlfriend were not able to deal with it. The dysphoria eventually became too much for both of us and we had to split. However, I have learned a lot from the experience. Basically, all I can say, is to first focus on being people, then being your gender.
11/27/2012
kadelette kadelette
Quote:
Originally posted by Genderfree
I've been in a similar situation and me and my ex girlfriend were not able to deal with it. The dysphoria eventually became too much for both of us and we had to split. However, I have learned a lot from the experience. Basically, all I can say, ... More
Thank you for the insight!
11/27/2012
Genderfree Genderfree
I think I give up too easily, myself, when trying to get along with my ex, though. I have had a lot of broken relationships in my life. Patience really is key, though.
11/27/2012
needapacker needapacker
Quote:
Originally posted by kadelette
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out ... More
She's a girl and you're a guy. Let things take their natural course. Not being forced into the roles you're used to assuming will probably just help things be the way they should be.
Just do what feels right.

I've been in a similar situation. I'm ftm transsexual and so is my boyfriend. For a while i struggled with our roles in our relationship but for the first time I'm actually more "the girl" in the relationship. It caused me a lot of dysphoria and took a lot of adjusting but in the end it was worth it. Trying to be "the guy" would be forced and just not comfortable.
11/28/2012
GONE! GONE!
All I can say is don't force it. If she suggests things she would like for you to do, do them. There is no one way to be "a guy" in a relationship, only specific behaviors. You could ask her how she likes to be treated specifically and what she likes a guy to do for her.
11/29/2012
hanjonatan hanjonatan
just try to do the "little things" that are coded as male/masculine in a relationship - opening doors, that kind of thing, but don't do it in a forced way, if you see what i mean? don't try for any, like, grand gestures of ~masculinity~.
11/30/2012
eroticmutt eroticmutt
Quote:
Originally posted by kadelette
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out ... More
First of all, it's good that you're looking for ways to make this work and being open to suggestions and a nudge in the right direction. That openness will serve you well in relationships, rather than being uncomfortable and letting that feeling grow.

If she does want to be treated in a more feminine way, then that's going to help her be very receptive toward your masculine behaviors complementing her reactions, etc.

I guess it is a little easier for me because I am gay and tend to bottom, so I am used to being treated as the more coddled partner who has things done for them, etc but my partner apparently is also a major bottom at least at heart (been topping him more and more lately) and I find that my confidence has grown greatly whenever I am taking the masculine role even in just simply hugging/approaching/wh atever.

The hardest part is taking initiative, and when you've not often got experience in a particular role and situation that can be hard, just cuz of the whole waiting, procrastination, or simply not thinking about it. Plus it can be really awkward, but if your partner reacts appropriately it will give you a major confidence boost, and you'll be up to trying it again and again.

What things specifically is it that she is doing that you would prefer to be doing, and vice versa? That would help a lot.



There's the typical stuff like opening doors, telling her she looks beautiful, lighting her cigarettes for her if she is a smoker, getting her bags or whatever she's carrying when you're taking in groceries, etc.

Then as far as more intimate things, I find that having my partner rest his head on my chest, stroking his back and giving massages I find to be very masculine roles I enjoy, and of course initiating sex and getting into a more active position, I find I really enjoy and gives me more confidence.

Try thinking of what it is you'd like to adjust a little, maybe we can be of more help. It's not impossible, just a learning situation. Just like everyone who starts out having a regular job and being told what to do each day has a big adjustment if they become manager and have to supervise, all of us can do many different roles (being a child --> being a parent, learning in school --> getting a job, etc) the human brain is made to adjust, adapt, learn. If you both like what you try, it will get easier and easier as you get more comfortable and it comes more easily.
11/30/2012
kadelette kadelette
Quote:
Originally posted by eroticmutt
First of all, it's good that you're looking for ways to make this work and being open to suggestions and a nudge in the right direction. That openness will serve you well in relationships, rather than being uncomfortable and letting that ... More
You make some AWESOME points! Thank you so much for responding. She rested her head on my chest the other day and surprisingly I felt only minor dysphoria and it really was a boost of confidence, just like what you're talking about. I'll work on taking more initiative, too, because sometimes my nervousness holds me back.

And thank you everyone else for your continued input! It's been very helpful (and will be helpful in the future, too.) I try to cover all of the little 'traditionally masculine' things because it helps me feel more secure.
11/30/2012
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 6