How to get your partner to use new terms?

MJ7 MJ7
I`m in the early stages of transition and I still find it hard to talk about my body and my feelings (sometimes) with my partner, not because I fear he will judge me but just because I have been in the closet and in denial for so long - talking about it is new for me!

I want us to start using male terms in the bedroom, but I am not really sure how to bring it up, and though he supports me, I know it is still a difficult experience for him as well, since he identifies as straight.

I want to start using terms like blowjob and cock, etc; I know it would help me feel less dysphoric. I feel it is important for us to start with some little things like using different terminology, to help us ease into the process.

So, what terms do you prefer? How did you talk to your partner about this, or how do you suggest is best for trans people to approach this with their partners?
09/05/2012
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charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
I`m in the early stages of transition and I still find it hard to talk about my body and my feelings (sometimes) with my partner, not because I fear he will judge me but just because I have been in the closet and in denial for so long - talking about ... More
I think, like anything in relationships, it takes a TON of communication. It takes talking about it, gently, respectfully, lovingly, until you're blue in the face. Until both of you are more comfortable with it. You need to talk to him about how things like pronouns and terms make you more comfortable and less dysphoric, about how it will help you mentally as you begin transition. Talk about how you feel about your body and your sexuality and what transition means to you and how and why it's important to you and what sort of emotions you go through being in a body you don't identify with and all of those things, talk about all the things you've suppressed till now and the mental and emotional toll it takes on you. These are things you need to talk about and get more comfortable with. They are also things he desperately needs to hear to help him understand your feelings and needs. He also needs to talk about how he feels, any discomfort or identity issues that he has dealing with your transition, dealing with confronting that he is married to a man, that the world will see you as a gay couple, that he has a husband who wants him to give him a blowjob. These are things that will be difficult for him and he needs to talk to you about them and feel free to talk to you about them. It may be hard for both of you to hear these things but I think it's important that you listen and try to empathize and understand each other. You can't overcommunicate about this! You each need to own your own feelings and validate and respect and allow the other theirs. It's going to be difficult. I know that, as a lesbian, if my hitherto fore female partner told me they were transitioning, I would have a very hard time shifting, transitioning myself, if you will, to the idea of having a boyfriend and having sex with a male partner. Honestly, I'm not sure I could do it, though I'd want to. If you're both committed to this, I commend you both. Just know that it will take a ton of communication, checking in with each other, talking, lots of trust and honesty and openness and understanding. It will probably take a little thick skin on both of your parts to hear when the other person is hurting or struggling. Just try to be honest and love each other, one step at a time.
09/05/2012
MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
I think, like anything in relationships, it takes a TON of communication. It takes talking about it, gently, respectfully, lovingly, until you're blue in the face. Until both of you are more comfortable with it. You need to talk to him about how ... More
Thank you so much for taking the time to share that with me! Everything you said made complete sense to me, as I do already strongly believe in communication. I think the hardest part is just getting the ball rolling by opening up and speaking the first few most difficult words. Thanks again, I will definitely keep this in mind when speaking with him.
09/06/2012
charletnarouh charletnarouh
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
Thank you so much for taking the time to share that with me! Everything you said made complete sense to me, as I do already strongly believe in communication. I think the hardest part is just getting the ball rolling by opening up and speaking the ... More
If it's difficult to speak the words, why not write to him? That's how I handle difficult conversations. Sometimes putting the words on paper for them to read helps me say things I might not otherwise be able to. Maybe even start by writing to him and asking him to start the conversation if that would make it easier?
09/07/2012
xxjoel xxjoel
Obviously just ask. I'm sorry, there's no easier way to do it. Good luck!

I don't use male terms in the bedroom, really. I refer to my "dick" in a general way as my masculinity, libido, etc, but never get "blowjobs." The word "cunt" just doesn't make me uncomfortable.
09/07/2012
MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by xxjoel
Obviously just ask. I'm sorry, there's no easier way to do it. Good luck!

I don't use male terms in the bedroom, really. I refer to my "dick" in a general way as my masculinity, libido, etc, but never get ... More
Female terms only really bother me when they're specifically being used to refer to me and parts of my body...because I just don't feel like that's me.
It only really bothers me if I'm already feeling dysphoric though. For the most part, I just want to use masculine terms to help myself feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin.
09/08/2012
MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
If it's difficult to speak the words, why not write to him? That's how I handle difficult conversations. Sometimes putting the words on paper for them to read helps me say things I might not otherwise be able to. Maybe even start by writing ... More
The most difficult part is just getting the first few words of the conversation rolling xD I know once we start talking about it, that it should be a breeze. And after reading the helpful responses on here, I'm actually quite excited to talk to him about it.
09/08/2012
butts butts
We use general terms like "oral sex" instead of "blowjob", but we'll still refer to my clitoris as a clitoris, just to keep things clear. Maybe you two can use general terms so neither of you are uncomfortable with the wording?
09/12/2012
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 4