Relationship Validity

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Relationship Validity

bodymodboy bodymodboy
So, an issue my polyamorous triad has been having is being validated in the LGB(around here it's pretty sans trans) community as me and my biomale genderqueer girlfriend (who is fluid with pronouns, named Steph) and my fellow FTM boyfriend (Griff). We all date each other, and we primarily consider ourselves gay male triad. Steph has been getting some flack from his bisexual and gay friends who want him to take the bisexual title, though he considers himself gay male. He also accepts the pansexual title, however, he believes that there is nothing less man about me or Griff, so there should be no issue calling himself gay.

He takes these things in stride, but he does sometimes complain/get frustrated when they keep harping on it. Many had thought that he was cheating on Griff by dating me, and it took a bit of explaining just for that! However, I just worry about my reaction if they harp on the issue in front of me, since I am going to be meeting their friends at the end of the month.

Have you faced a similar issue? How do you keep your cool, or educate others?
05/02/2009
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Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by bodymodboy
So, an issue my polyamorous triad has been having is being validated in the LGB(around here it's pretty sans trans) community as me and my biomale genderqueer girlfriend (who is fluid with pronouns, named Steph) and my fellow FTM boyfriend ...
I've never been in a situation like yours, but I've been in a position where people were trying to push me into a certain labeled sexuality. Throughout most of high school, I identified as a lesbian. I won't go into the not-so-great reasons behind my self-labeling. Suffice to say, when I met my current boyfriend (biologically male, identifies as male, and likes butt sex-- I go "squee"), I was a little scared of what my LGB(T) friends would say about it. A LOT of them, including my drama teacher, looked at me like I was insane. I got more than a few assurances that I didn't have to "act straight" to fit in. I now identify as predominantly bisexual/pansexual, but I'll still run into friends from high school who don't get it when I tell them I have a boyfriend.

Just remember that a relationship is what the members involved decide it is. The peanut gallery doesn't get to decide what you can and can't do with each other. We all have our own definitions of what an "acceptable" relationship is, etc., and it can take some time for us to accept new ideas. If they start harping on you, be polite but firm when you tell them that this is a consensual relationship between three adults and that what anyone identifies as is that person's own business and deserves respect. I've gotten confrontational before, but I've learned that it doesn't help. The mindset is important. If you remind yourself to be forgiving and understanding towards people who might not understand you too much, your message comes across much better.

Keep in mind that not everybody is as open-minded as we wish they were. In that case, patience and thick skin is the only way to go.
05/02/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by bodymodboy
So, an issue my polyamorous triad has been having is being validated in the LGB(around here it's pretty sans trans) community as me and my biomale genderqueer girlfriend (who is fluid with pronouns, named Steph) and my fellow FTM boyfriend ...
Oh this is going to sound a little wacky...but here goes:

When people judge me, my relationship, the genders involved, the sexuality labels or anything else, it does really piss me off. Really it is none of their business. My verbal response starts off something like "I don't wish to discuss my personal life with you if you are not willing to accept me for who I am" and (sometimes) ends with "You must be really insecure if you feel like you have to judge my sexual acts."

When I can get away with just not saying anything, I do so. But one thing I always keep in the back of my mind:
Those closed-minded asshats have no idea how wonderful sex can be.
05/02/2009
Sir Sir
For me, honestly, I've gotten so much discrimination and ignorance in my life, I honestly just respond with my knowledge and ignore them if they continue to take things further. Most times, I intimidate people, so they won't do anything harmful to me - they've only ever insulted me from afar. But to "keep my cool," as you put it, I rarely do. I get very uptight and I have a temper (which my partner is always getting down on my about). Honestly, sometimes you just have to let things go, and if people are going to be ignorant about your wants or your relationships (which it's none of their business, anyway), then ignore them and don't associate yourself with them. That's the best that I, personally, can do at this current place in time (since I haven't fully transitioned yet).

You do whatever you want when you want. It's no one's place to tell you otherwise.
06/02/2009
jankit jankit
I'm not all that "out" about my relationships because I don't believe this, gender and sexuality are the yardstick on which others should measure my character. Also, I don't see how these factor into daily conversation... unless I'm gossiping one-on-one with one of my close girlfriends/guyfriends over a fancy coffee. (And these folks are aware of the situation. They don't give a fuck or at least have the social grace to keep it to themselves.) I'm in a happy relationship. That is all people need to know, if they ask.
02/25/2011
TheParrishism TheParrishism
I think that no one has the right to invalidate someone else's relationship. Relationships can only be defined by the people in them. Same with labels. The best you can do is correct them. Just let them know that they are incorrect and that there are better ways of handleing themselves and respecting yall.
03/17/2012
Total posts: 6
Unique posters: 6