I've always been a bit... weird about stuff. Whenever I was a little kid I thought I was a boy >_> to an extent and got confused why me and my brother didn't look alike (anatomically). I was always blow-offish about "girly" clothes and shit. My mom made the comment to me that when I was a toddler she'd try to fit me in pretty little dresses and I'd fight her the whole time and then get myself out of them and stuff.
I kinda grew outta that, because I had no answers, my parents are conservative etc. As i got older I just did my own thing, secretly dreaded puberty, found excuses to buy boys clothes because they were "more comfortable" and such. Couple times tried fitting the whole feminine thing and felt wrong or annoyed and would give up and go back to being "baggy clothes etc etc"
I was 17 when i stumbled across a thread on the internet about LGBT with focus on Trans people and then I was just kinda like... "omg wwait wut that... that sounds like" whenever I'd read about other people.
So I kinda embraced the idea, did some research andd ended up putting it outta mind in favor of focusing on school, my art and getting into college. College started and I started "questioning" ; more deeply, joined the LGBT club on campus and made a friend I talked to about it. I'd planned on bringing it up with my mom over winter break but her surgery went south, put her in a wheelchair. I was doing a lot of stupid, self-destructive shit to avoid dealing with all the pressure being put on me to take care of the house, my younger brother, run errands for her etc. Soo questioning got put to the back burner. I eventually just shoved it into a box in my mind and started doing things that "needed to be done" and started online school so I'd be around to help my mom, ended up dating (and wasting time on) a dude I used to attend school with... started trying to fit the whole "feminine" image again...
And my sense of 'self' crumbled. It started out with me stopping to look at myself in the mirror and wondering "who the fuck am i looking at?" and from there goals, dreams etc. kinda followed it because I felt I'd lost 'myself' (kinda hard to explain I guess) so I started trying to build a new persona to take on... nothing helped. I got hella bad anxiety attacks, couldn't figure out why thought it was stress from taking care of hte house, running errands, taking care of my mom and he animals and doing school and trying to devote time to a relationship. Developed extreme social anxiety andd yeah >_> shit fell apart
Till I got on the internet again and randomly started looking into gender stuff again... and then it was like it started coming back. Idk I"m still in the whole questioning phase so there's no time line on "when I started" so much as I'll be questioning and covertly exploring while I live with my parents until I move out... because I have this godawful feeling I'm going to considerably "dissapoint" my dad... and my bro has done that enough so I want stability and self reliance (or with roommates) before I broach the topic with them or start seriously transitioning anything.
And then there are those moments of doubt and panic and fear when I'm afraid it's all just temporary and will crumble away... >_>
WELL now that that was TMI time I'm going to flutter away and find another poll to take