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Would you stay with a partner if they decided to go through with a gender changing surgery?
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I could love a person regardless of what their gender was, but since I'm straight, I think I would have a problem with my man no longer having his man-parts... I can still love him though!
Originally posted by
lzbncrckhead
i was just wondering how many people could handle the changes
06/28/2011
Transition is challenging, both for the person transitioning and their partner(s). I've been on either side of the situation a couple of times. Yeah, it was hard, but it's so much easier to love someone as they begin to love themselves a bit more, and to be present for someone's transition is a magical thing.
07/11/2011
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Well, being FTM myself, obviously this would not be something that would impact my decision to stay with them or not. Especially given that I'm bisexual (or pansexual, more precisely).
Originally posted by
lzbncrckhead
i was just wondering how many people could handle the changes
My partner would probably also vote for the first option, since she IS staying with me even when/if I transition. It's definitely an adjustment for her - referring to me as male and thinking of me as such, but she's definitely been great about it - and we're sort of going through it all together, as I only came to the realisation of what it is that's been "bugging" me a couple of years ago (and we've been together for five). So, we're in this together, no matter what.
07/16/2011
If I am really into them, I think I could ignore it. Honestly, if you think they are "the one" then, to me, their appearance and their body transcends that. If you already have that mental connection, then whatever. It would take some getting used to, I can say that much. But, it is what it is. It could be hard, but..that's love.
07/17/2011
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This question made for great dinner talk with our friends. All agreed, that if we were "straight"..which we are, then we CANNOT be "married" to someone of the same sex, and don't want to be. Honestly would be the same as cheating on us...in that, if you want something different then the lifestyle of marriage to another, monogamous partner, then please leave the relationship FIRST...then change the deal...be it having another partner, or changing who and what you are.
Originally posted by
lzbncrckhead
i was just wondering how many people could handle the changes
We might still be friends with that person, or even "co parents" but "handling the change" is not an option. I, for instance, married a MAN. I have NO DESIRE to be married to a WOMAN, even if it is the same "character".
07/17/2011
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I feel like the way the original question was posed is very problematic. Whether or not someone ends up transitioning through hormones and/or surgery is NOT necessarily changing their gender. Here you say you married a man and have no desire to be married to a woman, which could very well be the exact same case if you married a man who just happens to be trans. For example, though my girlfriend has dated women before, now the she is dating me she is dating a man. If/when I eventually start hormones and get surgery, she will still be dating a man. The change does not happen after the physical changes. If anything I would say it's the other way around, but of course that certainly depends on the person.
Originally posted by
Bignuf
This question made for great dinner talk with our friends. All agreed, that if we were "straight"..which we are, then we CANNOT be "married" to someone of the same sex, and don't want to be. Honestly would be the same as
...
This question made for great dinner talk with our friends. All agreed, that if we were "straight"..which we are, then we CANNOT be "married" to someone of the same sex, and don't want to be. Honestly would be the same as cheating on us...in that, if you want something different then the lifestyle of marriage to another, monogamous partner, then please leave the relationship FIRST...then change the deal...be it having another partner, or changing who and what you are.
We might still be friends with that person, or even "co parents" but "handling the change" is not an option. I, for instance, married a MAN. I have NO DESIRE to be married to a WOMAN, even if it is the same "character".
We might still be friends with that person, or even "co parents" but "handling the change" is not an option. I, for instance, married a MAN. I have NO DESIRE to be married to a WOMAN, even if it is the same "character".
07/17/2011
Oh man, I hate this thread so much I can't even handle it. If you're dating someone they probably don't want you to "deal with it" or "ignore it" if and when they decide to transition. Are you kidding? Can you imagine the resentment that would build up in a relationship that involves IGNORING an entire aspect of the person you're dating? This goes for ANYTHING. If you're just dealing with your partner's transition, or ignoring it, you probably shouldn't be with that person. I know I sure as hell would not stay with someone who reacted that way to my transition.
07/17/2011
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Dude, I think you might be reacting a little harshly. I think the one who said she could ignore it (mistre$$) probably didn't mean it quite like that. She just chose inappropriate wording. I think instead of "ignore it" (which sends the probably unintended message of pretending that the transition doesn't/didn't exist), she meant that she thinks it wouldn't MATTER - i.e. that a transguy would be a guy as much as a cis male or that a transgirl would be a girl as much as a cis female. That's what I think she meant, but perhaps she can verify. On an additional note (which I'm pretty certain ISN'T what mistre$$ meant), "ignoring it" might be what some trans folk may want. E.g. a transguy might say "just treat me as though I was born male, and as though there was never anything female about me" - i.e. he's saying "ignore my transition". In that event, ignoring it might be ok if it works for them (I would personally never choose such a route in a serious relationship being that I like everything being open and honest, and that would feel like we're lying and deluding ourselves - but that's me).
Originally posted by
jesseftm
Oh man, I hate this thread so much I can't even handle it. If you're dating someone they probably don't want you to "deal with it" or "ignore it" if and when they decide to transition. Are you kidding? Can you imagine
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Oh man, I hate this thread so much I can't even handle it. If you're dating someone they probably don't want you to "deal with it" or "ignore it" if and when they decide to transition. Are you kidding? Can you imagine the resentment that would build up in a relationship that involves IGNORING an entire aspect of the person you're dating? This goes for ANYTHING. If you're just dealing with your partner's transition, or ignoring it, you probably shouldn't be with that person. I know I sure as hell would not stay with someone who reacted that way to my transition.
Also, regarding "dealing with it" - well, I don't know what you think "dealing with something" means, but if you are with someone, and then come out to them as trans and/or you transition while with that person, BOTH of you have to "deal with it". HOW you will deal with it is another issue. For some "dealing with it" means simply making an adjustment as far as names/pronouns are concerned, for some it's an adjustment of one's identity (e.g. if they previously only dated females and are now with a transguy, they have to ask themselves whether they can still be with this person or not - for some, this may be an instant response of yes (and a new "lablel" might be necessary) or no (meaning, "I'm a lesbian, I can't stay with you, you're a guy"), for others it may be more complicated - i.e. "this is my partner, I love him, I will love him if/when he transitions, but can I be certain it will work if I've identified as gay up until now - am I sure I can be with a man?" and again the eventual answer may be yes or no). And if this is something you've struggled with yourself (coming to terms with being trans and deciding what to do about it), I don't see why you wouldn't let those close to you have the time to think/deal/struggle with it too - you can be there to help them sort things out, if they would like to be helped. Eventually, if they support you and desire to stay with you, I don't see why that couldn't make for a happy marriage/relationship.
07/17/2011
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What "emotional hardships" are you referring to here? Do you have experience with this? Examples?
Originally posted by
Ms. Spice
it would be hard, not because they're not the same gender anymore, but because of all the emotional hardships during the transition. i know i would still love my partner, but we would have to see therapy so we could stay together.
Oh, and just a note - it's not that they're not the same gender anymore - it's that they're physically transitioning into the gender they ARE. Going through transition doesn't change your gender. You can be born female and identify as male long before you take any steps to transition into male. Your gender is male from the moment you identify as such.
07/18/2011
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I think it's probably true that I was reacting harshly, but some of the responses really got to me. I did think about the idea of ignoring it actually meaning the transition didn't matter. As someone who doesn't like talking about my own transition I guess you could say I would fall into the category of wanting my girlfriend not think about it very much. I also agree with you that I would feel like I was lying if we did choose to blatantly ignore my transition. I don't want to bring attention to it, but discussing what I'm going through with my partner is a very different situation.
Originally posted by
AriBoi
Dude, I think you might be reacting a little harshly. I think the one who said she could ignore it (mistre$$) probably didn't mean it quite like that. She just chose inappropriate wording. I think instead of "ignore it" (which sends the
...
Dude, I think you might be reacting a little harshly. I think the one who said she could ignore it (mistre$$) probably didn't mean it quite like that. She just chose inappropriate wording. I think instead of "ignore it" (which sends the probably unintended message of pretending that the transition doesn't/didn't exist), she meant that she thinks it wouldn't MATTER - i.e. that a transguy would be a guy as much as a cis male or that a transgirl would be a girl as much as a cis female. That's what I think she meant, but perhaps she can verify. On an additional note (which I'm pretty certain ISN'T what mistre$$ meant), "ignoring it" might be what some trans folk may want. E.g. a transguy might say "just treat me as though I was born male, and as though there was never anything female about me" - i.e. he's saying "ignore my transition". In that event, ignoring it might be ok if it works for them (I would personally never choose such a route in a serious relationship being that I like everything being open and honest, and that would feel like we're lying and deluding ourselves - but that's me).
Also, regarding "dealing with it" - well, I don't know what you think "dealing with something" means, but if you are with someone, and then come out to them as trans and/or you transition while with that person, BOTH of you have to "deal with it". HOW you will deal with it is another issue. For some "dealing with it" means simply making an adjustment as far as names/pronouns are concerned, for some it's an adjustment of one's identity (e.g. if they previously only dated females and are now with a transguy, they have to ask themselves whether they can still be with this person or not - for some, this may be an instant response of yes (and a new "lablel" might be necessary) or no (meaning, "I'm a lesbian, I can't stay with you, you're a guy"), for others it may be more complicated - i.e. "this is my partner, I love him, I will love him if/when he transitions, but can I be certain it will work if I've identified as gay up until now - am I sure I can be with a man?" and again the eventual answer may be yes or no). And if this is something you've struggled with yourself (coming to terms with being trans and deciding what to do about it), I don't see why you wouldn't let those close to you have the time to think/deal/struggle with it too - you can be there to help them sort things out, if they would like to be helped. Eventually, if they support you and desire to stay with you, I don't see why that couldn't make for a happy marriage/relationship.
Also, regarding "dealing with it" - well, I don't know what you think "dealing with something" means, but if you are with someone, and then come out to them as trans and/or you transition while with that person, BOTH of you have to "deal with it". HOW you will deal with it is another issue. For some "dealing with it" means simply making an adjustment as far as names/pronouns are concerned, for some it's an adjustment of one's identity (e.g. if they previously only dated females and are now with a transguy, they have to ask themselves whether they can still be with this person or not - for some, this may be an instant response of yes (and a new "lablel" might be necessary) or no (meaning, "I'm a lesbian, I can't stay with you, you're a guy"), for others it may be more complicated - i.e. "this is my partner, I love him, I will love him if/when he transitions, but can I be certain it will work if I've identified as gay up until now - am I sure I can be with a man?" and again the eventual answer may be yes or no). And if this is something you've struggled with yourself (coming to terms with being trans and deciding what to do about it), I don't see why you wouldn't let those close to you have the time to think/deal/struggle with it too - you can be there to help them sort things out, if they would like to be helped. Eventually, if they support you and desire to stay with you, I don't see why that couldn't make for a happy marriage/relationship.
It's very true that I would want whoever I was dating to have time to think about it and sort things out. I would, however, probably react the same way if my girlfriend addressed the issue with some of the wording as I've seen in this post. I would feel invalidated and would begin questioning if she was someone I could see myself with. I think that what really got to me was the one-sidedness proposed here of "I could deal with it" rather than "we could deal with it". It sort of reminds me of when a straight woman tells another woman (typically a lesbian) "if I were gay I would date you." Sexuality and gender become a novelty so quickly, and it felt like these responses weren't really taking into consideration how their partner would react to these reactions.
I think in general it's often that I see questions/posts in this forum that seem very outdated, but that could come from the fact that I live in the bay area and have a lot of trans friends and went to a liberal arts college, etc. I think the most important point that I wanted to get across, though, was that the transition is not what changes the person's gender. I saw that you also mentioned that, so it's at least reassuring that I'm not alone in saying that here.
07/18/2011