What am I?

Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
I would like to know what you think the “correct” identity term is for me. I would also like some advice on social situations.


I am attracted to women, men, and several others that fall “in-between.” I am most comfortable at gay clubs because, even though I am attracted to men, straight bars seem to be so full of pulsing male testosterone that I am usually very uncomfortable. When I do go out with the intention of meeting new people I am usually looking to meet a woman. I really have no trouble meeting men because I really love sports and outdoor activities so I find it easy to talk to men. It is extraordinarily hard for me to meet women.


The problem is that when I go out no one approaches me and when I do try to talk to people, either male or female, neither gender seems to understand that I am actually interested in that person. It's like both men and women think I am looking for the other gender. (If that makes sense. This is hard to explain now that I write it.) When I meet transgender people things go very well because they seem to understand that I don't need a specific identity to be worth their time for discussion.


When I go out, I dress up in my heels (usually sparkly), makeup, earrings, the whole deal. In fact, when I go out to local clubs I am usually dressed better than most other people. I say this meaning that I wear dress slacks or skirts when many people are wearing jeans. My hair is very short and I wear it with all it's wild curls and usually a pretty barrette.


I was in a situation this fall where I was told repeatedly by strangers that they just couldn't believe I am attracted to women because I “don't look gay.”


I live in East Tennessee where there is a VERY small GBLT community, and an even smaller amount of those people who are “out” as I am. The small-mindedness of this area perplexes me regularly.


I would really like to know that I'm not the only one out there who has these problems. I don't tell people I'm bisexual because I am attracted to transgender people all the time, but I'm finding it more and more necessary to have some word that describes what I am so people will stop quizzing me incessantly. I would also like to know what I can do to attract women when apparently I just “don't look gay enough.”
12/08/2008
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Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
I hate giving plabels, it's not fair that we should all fit into boxes... but it sounds like pansexuality/omnisexua lity.

"Pansexuality, anthrosexuality (anthro- literally meaning human), or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Thus, pansexuality includes potential attraction to people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2]" and yes, I just quoted wikipedia.
12/08/2008
Epiphora Epiphora
Pansexual!!
12/08/2008
Betty Rocket Betty Rocket
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
I hate giving plabels, it's not fair that we should all fit into boxes... but it sounds like pansexuality/omnisexua lity.

"Pansexuality, anthrosexuality (anthro- literally meaning human), or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation ... More
I lol'd

Wikipedia is King
12/08/2008
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
I hate giving plabels, it's not fair that we should all fit into boxes... but it sounds like pansexuality/omnisexua lity.

"Pansexuality, anthrosexuality (anthro- literally meaning human), or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation ... More
Amen to that, sister!

And yes, pansexual sounds about right. It used to be what I identified as until I decided to get rid of labels altogether.

So sorry to hear that you are having such problems! I grew up in a pretty small town, too. I was so pleased when I found no less than six other "queer" kids in my high school drama class. I've always been attracted to the ladies (as well as guys... and yes, a few who fall in between), but, just like in your situation, people are always shocked when they find out that "I like girls". I guess for me, part of the "problem" is that I am pretty feminine and I also belong to an ethnicity that is, in my hometown, at least, seen as a very conservative, asexual or straight and narrow minority. Obviously, these attributes are not things I can easily change (not that I want to!)

I think the best solution is just to keep being yourself, maybe try being a little more obvious/forward, and hope for the best. I obviously haven't had much experience in the hunt for potential new lovers, so I'm sorry that I can't help in that sense!
12/09/2008
Delete My Account Delete My Account
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
Amen to that, sister!

And yes, pansexual sounds about right. It used to be what I identified as until I decided to get rid of labels altogether.

So sorry to hear that you are having such problems! I grew up in a pretty small town, too. ... More
I think Miss Cinnamon said it best. The best solution is to be true to yourself and not let others dictate who you are. That is the only way to be happy.
12/09/2008
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Thank for all your input.

I think the fact that I've only been open about who I am for about 1.5 years may contribute to my frustrations. (Prior to that I was in a closed abusive hetero marriage.) It seems like everyone should accept me since I finally accept myself...

It's so frustrating to not be accepted by the majority of the local gay community because of the way I look - But there is NO WAY I'm giving up my "girly" stuff.

It's
12/09/2008
stuck in the middle stuck in the middle
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
I would like to know what you think the “correct” identity term is for me. I would also like some advice on social situations.


I am attracted to women, men, and several others that fall “in-between.” I am most comfortable at gay clubs ... More
You are omnisexual.I had to adopt the term for myself .Only term I could think of that encompasses all 3 genders because I'm attracted to many different people regardless of them being female,male or like me caught somewhere in between.


Being transgender and in East Tennessee myself I can relate totally to how this area is about the GLBT community.It is small and having lived here over 10 years now I've only physically met 2 tg's here and I know theres quite a few more close .Most are like me very scared because of how this area views anyone thats a different from them.

As far as dressing goes do not overdress.This was one of the first things I was told about passing when I opted to explore my tg side.I'm sure the same rules apply to everyone regardless of gender.Just dress appropriately for the place you are going to and people will most likely approach you.


I think attracting the girls is more of you just finding the right one.I know many who adopt the more masculine look but I also know a few who unless you knew them you would never guess because they do not subscribe to any stereotype they are just themselves .

With transgender in general I can't speak for everyone only myself but I'm just glad to see anyone that treats me with honest respect and kindness as thats extremely rare .I think transgender people in general are more accepting of everyone without regard for gender or sexual preference.
02/23/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by stuck in the middle
You are omnisexual.I had to adopt the term for myself .Only term I could think of that encompasses all 3 genders because I'm attracted to many different people regardless of them being female,male or like me caught somewhere in ... More
I'm using "queer" now. It seems to be the most effective.

And I'm dating a FTM. It's wonderful. It's the first time I've ever dated someone who actually likes me for me - without trying to change me.

And to Stuck in the Middle: you should email me!
02/23/2009
Gabe Gabe
Yeah, I was going to suggest queer--I like it because it expresses a lack of label both with respect to your gender and the gender of your preferred partner.
03/12/2009
Red Red
I was gonna say "Queer", but it looks like you already got there!

I call myself Queer when I'm not trying to pick up the person I'm talking to. When I am trying to indicate interest, I usually say Bi.

I find this important because I am married, so the normal assumption is that I'm straight, and if I say Queer, it's assumed that the ring on my finger means I am a married lesbian. (So actually, come to think of it, that's more a poly issue!)

I had a girlfriend that once said something that I always keep in mind - "Pansexual, Omnisexual....that's all totally awesome and I respect those specific attempts at labeling, and they make for great and fun discussion. But really, I just want to know if I have a chance of getting into your pants."
03/12/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I was gonna say "Queer", but it looks like you already got there!

I call myself Queer when I'm not trying to pick up the person I'm talking to. When I am trying to indicate interest, I usually say Bi.

I find this ... More
HA! I was going with pansexual for a while, but someone really did ask me "Ok - does that mean you want to have sex with me or not?"
03/12/2009
darkkitty darkkitty
Just say your "sexual" why do we need labels?
12/08/2010
buttmunch buttmunch
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Thank for all your input.

I think the fact that I've only been open about who I am for about 1.5 years may contribute to my frustrations. (Prior to that I was in a closed abusive hetero marriage.) It seems like everyone should accept me ... More
It's stupid that they think you should have to give up your "girly" stuff as you call it. So lesbians should only ride motorcycles and cut down trees and refuse to shave their legs while gay men should be smooth as marble, crisp and clean, gelled hair with frosted trips and wear ridiculous clothing? It's bad when the LGBT community is being so narrow-minded like that. I say keep up your girly stuff, if you're too pretty for the women and men in your town you could always try another town around your area, there will be someone who likes you for you and that seems to be what you like.
09/02/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
dude. i've been hearing on WRFL (the local college radio) about the bullshit going down in tennessee... parents and teachers arent even allowed to use the word 'gay' in schools? they're trying to erase it entirely. it is something that does not exist.


come up here to lexington. our PRIDE parade every year makes me BEAM with it. we're so accepting here that when i hear stories like that in tennessee, i'm in disbelief. wake up people, this is the 21st century. enough with the fairy tales and the mythical beliefs.






good luck to you.
09/02/2011
Total posts: 15
Unique posters: 12