It arrived in Eden's usual discreet packaging but when opened that up I found the very opposite of discretion. The toy's box was covered with images of naked ladies trying their damnedest to make the thing look sexy. Licking the toy, sniffing it in what's I imagine is supposed to be an alluring manner and really just coming across as more silly than sexy.
The Cherry Scented Dong is 15 inches long, with a circumference of 5 1/4 inches and a diameter of 2 inches. The toy is made out of jelly, which rates a 2 on the Eden Safety Scale. Since I didn't buy this toy to play with care and maintenance is fairly easy for me, but if you plan on masturbating with it I suggest using a condom since jelly can leak phthalates and is extremely porous. This material can't be sterilized so keep condoms on hand if you plan on switching orifices (orifici?) or sharing with members of your Fine Cheese and Sex Toy Club. Since it's got more pores then a teenager who eats only Big Macs, you'll also want to wash it thoroughly. Toy wipes, antibacterial soap or lava from Mount Doom should do the trick.
As I mentioned earlier, I bought this monstrosity to give myself some ease of mind after a series of nearby break-ins. Well, only days after it arrived I awoke to some strange sounds. I quickly reached for the Cherry Scented Dong from under my bed and grabbed the phone before hiding myself in the closet. I called 911 and was assured the police would be on their way. I guess I wasn't being as quiet as I thought because the door swung open and I was face to face with the robber. He lifted his arm to strike me but the strange sight of someone holding a bright red dildo that reeks of cough syrup through him off guard. As he processed what he saw I made my move.
WHAM! I smacked him across the face withe the dong and ran out to the hall. He followed soon after and I hit him again, this time in the throat. Unable to breathe he stopped running, clutching his throat. I took the opportunity to get in a few more smacks around the face and one strong wallop to the stomach. He went down right as the police arrived, to my great relief.
The officers came in and were about as surprised as the robber had been to see me holding a giant jelly penis, but after seeing the intruder on the floor they shrugged it off. "Whatever works," was all the officer who took my statement could say after he managed to stop laughing.
The robber was taken away and I slept soundly knowing he was in the clink and that I would have my trusty Cherry Scented Dong under my bed for years to come.