#AprilFools - The Housewife's Helper

SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Ugh, laundry! Am I right? It's the totally necessary but completely mind-numbingly boring chore that must be done in every single home. I don't know about you, but I am absolutely sick of it. Never fear, the Housewife's Helper is here! (see footnote 1) Time to make laundry fun with the world's first washing machine powered toy!




The Housewife's Helper comes in two parts: the O-ring compatible dildo and the black straps. I know you want to know about the size of the dildo, so let me get that out of the way. It's approximately 4.75 inches long, with a very small circumference of 2.25 inches, and comes in your choice of color between “Obnoxious Lilac” and “So Horribly Pink It Makes You Cry.” It's made of silicone and can be washed with soap and water or boiled to clean. The smooth, silky (see footnote 2) straps can be machine washed. All of it is packaged together in a delicates mesh laundry bag.




Use of the Housewife's Helper is unlike any other toy. To operate, slide the included dildo into the center hole of the straps. Then, simply attach the straps to the top of your washing machine (see footnote 3). Select a vibration-filled mode on your washing machine: heavy duty, bedding, normal, delicates, SPIN CYCLE!!!!




Finally, hop on! The small size and flared base make the Housewife's Helper perfect for clitoral, vaginal, and even anal stimulation. As long as your washer is running, the Housewife's Helper is vibrating! No batteries, cords, or chargers to worry about.

As for my feelings on it, I have to say the tiny dildo is perfect for clitoral orgasms. My washer has deep, rumbly vibrations instead of buzzy ones, and therefore so does my Housewife's Helper. No disappointment there! And now the laundry in my house is always done, which makes my family happy. It makes me happy, too, of course...but for completely different reasons.

The Housewife's Helper truly makes laundry fun. Talk about multi-tasking!


1. The makers of the Housewife's Helper would like everyone to know that they never meant to suggest that a housewife's life is unfulfilling with their product, nor do they assume that all housewives have a substandard sex life. They politely ask that you stop e-mailing them.
2. The makers of the Housewife's Helper would like to remind the consumers that they did not say the straps are silk. They said they are silky, and are actually made of polyester. They would also like to say that the phone calls to the company's factory over this issue are getting to be a bit much.
3. The makers of the Housewife's Helper does not guarantee the safety of your washing machine when using this product. If you bought a crap washer, it's your own fault.
03/27/2013
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PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Thanks for the review! Do you know if this will work on a stacked washing machine/dryer unit? If so, I would be interested!
03/27/2013
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
Thanks for the review! Do you know if this will work on a stacked washing machine/dryer unit? If so, I would be interested!
Use a stepladder and Housewife's Helper, Inc. is absolved of all liability if you fall.
03/27/2013
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by SneakersAndPearls
Ugh, laundry! Am I right? It's the totally necessary but completely mind-numbingly boring chore that must be done in every single home. I don't know about you, but I am absolutely sick of it. Never fear, the Housewife's Helper is ... More
Damnit I bought a crap washer...will EF be carrying the washers in the future? If so I will begin saving my points.
03/27/2013
GONE! GONE!
LOL! I died at "so horribly pink it makes you cry."
03/28/2013
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
My new washer is a silent spinner and has nearly no vibrations at all. It probably rates less than 1 vroom. I KNEW I should have gotten the tried but true type! I wonder if there are booster motors available from HH Inc?
03/28/2013
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
My new washer is a silent spinner and has nearly no vibrations at all. It probably rates less than 1 vroom. I KNEW I should have gotten the tried but true type! I wonder if there are booster motors available from HH Inc?
I've heard that they make a table top model that will also wash your stockings.
03/29/2013
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
Follow-Up Review for the Housewife's Helper

This needs to be said. I can not, I repeat, I can NOT recommend this toy anymore! It's been nothing but trouble!

I know, I know, I'm supposed to wait at least 2 months before posting a follow-up, but potential buyers need to know this.

This morning I saw the kids off to school, sent my husband off to work, and then started my laundry happy time. I put some laundry in, got everything assembled, and was ready to take my washer for the ride of its life when I heard a pick-up truck pull up in front of the house. I quickly re-dressed and peeked out of the front window. There in the driveway was one of the very recognizable white trucks the city uses.

A man in a blue shirt with "City Water Enforcement" written in yellow across his chest knocked on my door.

"Ma'am, do you know how to turn your sprinklers off?"

"What? Yes, of course I do. They've been off all day."

"Well," he said, "Did you turn them off yesterday? The day before? How about the shower? Do you have a burst pipe or something? I need to check."

Now, I'm not stupid, and I wasn't about to let this stranger in my house, city employee or no, and told him so. He waved my newest water bill, which he was apparently hand delivering, like it was a warrant and shoved it into my face.

"Now, hold on just a second," I said.

"Three thousand. Three thousand dollars," he said. "That's your current water bill."

He sped through the house and finally came to a stop in the laundry room. He took a look at the Housewife's Helper strapped to the washer. Then looked at me with my pajamas still on and my disheveled hair. Then at it. Then at me. Then at it.

He sighed. "You know," he said, "If you use the drain and spin cycle on your washer, it doesn't use any water."

He pushed past me back out the front door. As he went back to his truck, I heard him say, "All these damn Housewife's Helpers. Fifth this week. Going to put us all in a drought."

So please, think of your community and water usage. Avoid this product. Or, if you must, use the drain and spin cycle.
04/01/2013
TJtheMadHatter TJtheMadHatter
I wonder if this design would work on a car hood.
04/01/2013
PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Quote:
Originally posted by SneakersAndPearls
Follow-Up Review for the Housewife's Helper

This needs to be said. I can not, I repeat, I can NOT recommend this toy anymore! It's been nothing but trouble!

I know, I know, I'm supposed to wait at least 2 months before ... More
This is awesome! Thanks for the follow up review! I'll probably have to pass on this one then!
04/01/2013
travelnurse travelnurse
LOL that is so funny!! Good job! And even better with the follow up
04/01/2013
dancingduo dancingduo
First follow up I've seen today. Funny!
04/01/2013
PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Lmfao this had me dying and the follow up review was off the hook. That was brilliant.
04/01/2013
Bme Bme
TY very creative
04/01/2013
ImaGodiva ImaGodiva
Terrific EU review! I have a very rumbly washing machine so I know this would be perfect. Although I must say, I have never seen so many disclaimers in one review. Many more than in the info for the Dishwasher version, which I use regularly. I did actually have the same problem with the visit from the "City Water Enforcement" guy, but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise when he started stripping off his clothes to the tune of "YMCA" and told me my husband hired him for me as an April Fool's Day joke. He said I was his 4th customer this week. He sure shirked his duties with you, asking for a $3,000!!! dollar tip without even stripping for you! Well, I guess a guy can only stand so much female adoration in one week. Thanks for the great review and super pics.
04/02/2013
ninja250 ninja250
Loved the follow up review, too funny!
04/02/2013
rosythorn rosythorn
love the picutre!
04/04/2013
gsfanatic gsfanatic
Heh, nice. Sweet sweet improvisation
04/05/2013
Total posts: 18
Unique posters: 14