30 Things I've Learned from Porn

Gary Gary
A couple of weeks ago I found a list called 30 Things I've Learned from Porn. I am thinking that it may have been in an AVN that got sent to the porn store I work at. I am only a few days away from my 33 birthday, but I suspect that I am already experiencing symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease because I can’t remember anything anymore.

So, I just came across the list again online and I figured that I would share it for everyone to get a laugh from. The list is pretty funny, and some of the lines are so perfect. My personal favorite is #25… that one had me rolling.

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy cummers.
11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. Dorky guys never have to beg.
02/06/2009
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Sammi Sammi
I hadn't seen that list before - funny
02/06/2009
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
I love #29. We were JUST talking about that at a party a couple weeks ago! LOL
02/06/2009
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
All UPS men are hot and will have sex with you whenever they deliver a "package".
02/06/2009
Dragon Dragon
This list is missing a few...
- How hot women seem to find it when guys come all over them.
- How hot it is when the guy comes, and that's often enough!

@Sleeping Dreamer. My UPS man must have seen some of that porn because for awhile he was definitely flirting with me. He'd ring the bell, wait, chat and chat. He didn't want to leave...
02/06/2009
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
This list is missing a few...
- How hot women seem to find it when guys come all over them.
- How hot it is when the guy comes, and that's often enough!

@Sleeping Dreamer. My UPS man must have seen some of that porn because for ... More
lol. Mine is a very unattractive man- I'm so fucked up lol----- but I hate small talk and these people are at my house so I don't want to risk that one of these guys has an obsessive/stalkeresque personality- so I'll watch from the window as they ring the bell. As they walk away, I'll run out all a mess, sign for it, then run back in the house and slam the door. My neighbors seriously think I'm crazy.
02/06/2009
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
Another one I thought of- it's acceptable and sexy when men use spit as butt lube-- or no lube at all. (I can't remember the last time I watched a porn where I saw them applying or using lube!)
02/06/2009
Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
A couple of weeks ago I found a list called 30 Things I've Learned from Porn. I am thinking that it may have been in an AVN that got sent to the porn store I work at. I am only a few days away from my 33 birthday, but I suspect that I am already ... More
This reminds me of the list of reasons dildos are better than men. link

Theres a longer list somewhere but I couldn't find it just now. This list is missing my favorite item:

-A dildo won't mind if you cut the balls off so you can insert it another half an inch.
02/06/2009
jedent jedent
I love #13 about slapping his dick all over her. I tried to slap my husband in the face with a big ol' dildo and he got mad and I said but I saw it in a porno and he was like but why did you do that and I said I dont know but I wanted to try it out because I saw it in a porno.

*sigh* he never wants to try ANYTHING new.
02/07/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
lol. Mine is a very unattractive man- I'm so fucked up lol----- but I hate small talk and these people are at my house so I don't want to risk that one of these guys has an obsessive/stalkeresque personality- so I'll watch from the window ... More
LOL, I do that too! Mostly I'm away at class when things are delivered, but if I'm there, I refuse to answer. I'm usually only wearing a robe anyway, and that's just not appropriate attire. =P

I was actually stunned to see a porn clip where a woman was having sex with 2 men and they used lube. (Actually, it's one of my favorite porn clips now.)
02/07/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Too funny!!! I love these.
02/08/2009
orange_cutie orange_cutie
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
Another one I thought of- it's acceptable and sexy when men use spit as butt lube-- or no lube at all. (I can't remember the last time I watched a porn where I saw them applying or using lube!)
OMG! I was laughing so hard after reading this one...it should've made it on the original list!
02/08/2009
Mae Baby Mae Baby
I have never seen that before, it's pretty funny...:LOL
02/09/2009
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
The average size penis is 10" long.
02/09/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
#17 is my fave.... so true!

Poor, lonely Asian women can only look to Mister White Cock to save them!
02/10/2009
Airlia Airlia
All women wear heavy heavy eye makeup - at all times. And lick their lips just before blowing a guy.
02/11/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Oh oh...female ass holes are the size of a coke can naturally.
02/11/2009
Airlia Airlia
Quote:
Originally posted by Cinnamon Chambers
Oh oh...female ass holes are the size of a coke can naturally.
Lol!
02/11/2009
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by jedent
I love #13 about slapping his dick all over her. I tried to slap my husband in the face with a big ol' dildo and he got mad and I said but I saw it in a porno and he was like but why did you do that and I said I dont know but I wanted to try it ... More
I once dated someone that I think *only* wanted to do things that he learned in porn. I'm not sure that he knew what real sex was...

Didn't work.
02/11/2009
Sundae Sparkles Sundae Sparkles
haha
10/23/2012
kmarsico kmarsico
haha love this!
10/24/2012
KyotoAngel KyotoAngel
Glad this made a comeback so I could read it...although I'd say #20 is right on the money.
10/24/2012
MzGreenEyedLady MzGreenEyedLady
This is amazing!
10/24/2012
gsfanatic gsfanatic
Hah, that's fantastic
10/25/2012
PetiteAsian PetiteAsian
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
All UPS men are hot and will have sex with you whenever they deliver a "package".
LOL!
02/13/2013
PetiteAsian PetiteAsian
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
I love #29. We were JUST talking about that at a party a couple weeks ago! LOL
This is funny!
02/13/2013
Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
A couple of weeks ago I found a list called 30 Things I've Learned from Porn. I am thinking that it may have been in an AVN that got sent to the porn store I work at. I am only a few days away from my 33 birthday, but I suspect that I am already ... More
#11 is soooooo funny. #26 is sooooooo true!!
02/16/2013
Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
This reminds me of the list of reasons dildos are better than men. link

Theres a longer list somewhere but I couldn't find it just now. This list is missing my favorite item:

-A dildo won't mind if you cut the balls off so ... More
Cut the balls off!!!! GOOD ONE!!!!!!
02/16/2013
toffee toffee
Haha, love this list but I gotta admit #28 is my favorite cause it happens in basically all porn despite being ridiculous.
02/19/2013
Eugler Eugler
So great. I laughed my butt off...
02/19/2013
Total posts: 30
Unique posters: 22