Advice from the Completely Inexperienced

Have you had this happen? This happened to me in a sexual conversation, but I'm sure it could happen in any other.

A good friend of mine who I am very close to (female), and another mutual friend of ours (male) were talking one day, and my female friend and I were discussing the possibility of a threesome in my relationship. I am very much attracted to all sexes and gender identities and not comfortable with 100% monogamy, and my boyfriend is fine with that and has been open to this possibility since day 1. It's been well discussed, we know our parameters, we know each others comfort levels, everything to make this as happy and healthy of an experience as possible - I've done this before, I understand what's important and the red flags, and I think it's a great time for all.

Here's where the problem comes in: the mutual male friend - who is a virgin (not by choice) at 31 and has never had a real girlfriend or relationship decides to step up and say 'If you're thinking about a threesome, there must be real problems in the relationship. There is no reason for that in a healthy relationship.'

I'm sorry, WHAT? Look, it's one thing to have had a bad experience that's jaded your outlook or something like that but to have zero experience and make it sound like something is wrong in MY relationship? I think that's majorly out of line.

I was a good girl - I kept my mouth shut. Simply because sometimes I only run on 2 speeds; nice girl and rip-your-head-off :-P and I wasn't in the mood for the argument.

But have you had this happen, in any situation? Had someone that clearly has no basis for an opinion offer one, and unsolicited at that?

If you can't tell, I'm still fuming a little from this one... less

Since you gave us a little bit of his background, I'm comfortable in saying that although he is welcome to voice his opinion, he really has no personal experience to back up anything he says. He is judging you based on what his ideal of a healthy relationship should be, and he doesn't even know that yet for himself!

Now you know how this friend stands on the issue, I would just leave him out of further conversations discussing this if he disagrees.

Lastly, if you and your boyfriend feel stable and confident enough to explore, then by all means do so. You won't know until you try. Some couples are curious, yet never take that step, afraid of what it could do to the relationship. If there is that sense of hesitancy to begin with, don't do it! A bit of nervousness, excitement is ok, but if you are pre-occupied with the "what if's?", I would discuss them with your partner.

Have all the rules and boundaries established before you discuss it with the potential third. Case and point: My husband once met a couple who was not prepared at all. It was their first time and they hadn't discussed anything in advance, they just went for it. Needless to say it was a disaster and my husband didn't feel welcome. He could touch this or that or do this or that. Basically they just wanted someone to watch, but they didn't tell him that. less

Tori, I think one thing you said about him sums it up: who is a virgin (not by choice) at 31 and has never had a real girlfriend or relationship end quote

He really isn't the person to be giving any relationship advice. What does HE know about healthy relationships? I understand, some people are virgins because they just haven't found the right person etc, but giving advice to people when THOSE people are light years ahead in sexual experience and relationship experience is out of line.

FTR, I'd keep your relationship and it's details away from this guy. My guess is he can't get his head around his having NO relationship and NO sex, and your ability (or your boyfriend's) to have more than one lover.

Plenty of people practice different forms of Poly Love and experimentation and varying types of group sex without having or causing "problems" in their main relationship.

Just keep what he doesn't need to hear away from him, or personally, I'd tell him to get back to you when he has the level of experience you and your bf do.

Just one question; Did you ask him his opinion, or did he just overhear you talking about it? I make it a practice not to talk to people I know will be judgmental about my sex life or my lifestyle ABOUT my sex life or my lifestyle.

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I have to disagree to an extent. I think anyone's opinion is potentially valid. We may not agree, but they have a right to their opinion since it is based entirely on their own experiences and beliefs.

I also don't think that him being a virgin, regardless of the reason, is not a valid reason to dismiss his opinion. You can have had a deep meaningful relationship and not had sex. If your discussion was purely about having 3-way sex, then maybe his viewpoint would have less meaning. But your point was also about the relationships associated with a 3-way.

Lastly, none of us know exactly the extent of his experiences in relationships. No one can know exactly everything that another person has done or experienced. We all keep secrets to an extent. Perhaps he has chosen not to share them with you.

Yes, I'm playing devil's advocate, but I think it's important to not dismiss someone's opinion because we think they are not qualified. Choose to not agree, but try not to judge.

And I agree with those above, perhaps you should refrain from further such discussions in the presence of this friend. Hopefully I'm not coming across as an ass, but I think it's important to choose not to agree with someone's opinion rather than judge and dismiss. less

I agree, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Unfortunately they are not always right but they are still entitled to it. There are many people that feel that if you are looking somewhere else then you aren't happy in a relationship. Growing up I always felt that way, I mean if my partner was looking somewhere else I would question him but we agreed to be in a 100% monogamous relationship from the very beginning. If he is starting to get interested in other things, then I would feel that it would be time to sit down and talk things over to see if we could work something out.

Now you and your boyfriend agreed to this from the beginning which I think is great so if you both are happy with it then it's great! I mean, you can still be in a healthy relationship and have threesomes, it takes a great deal of comfort and trust to even agree to go into that situation so you are fine. You know you are in a healthy and happy relationship so that should be all that matters.

Now as far as me, I am sure I have been put in a situation like that. As I said before, everyone is entitled to their opinion so they are going to be sure to voice it so I am sure that I have. less

Kindred, normally I would agree (and things can come across badly in type so I do mean this all in a very friendly manner - and I do appreciate you playing devils advocate, I end up taking that role frequently myself), I don't in this instance. If he were a virgin with extensive relationship experience or hey, ANY relationship experience, I would not have been so irritated. He's never had a relationship with anyone above friendship - ever, at all. I promise I'm not exaggerating.

If any of my other friends with a any relationship experience, be it sexual or not, had offered that opinion, I still would've disagreed, but I wouldn't have been so taken aback at the gall it took to say what he did without basis, and quite frankly, with such judgmental attitude and nerve. less

I did not take your post in anything but a friendly response

I was simply pointing out the positive side of taking what your friend said without judging it based on his experience. Our opinions are all relative and come from the only perspective we know, our own. less

I can see where this could have annoyed you, but opinions are like assholes: EVERYBODY has one! Regardless of whether he is a virgin or not, anyone could have said the same thing to you and it would have been annoying. The problem is in the fact that some people are narrow minded and can't understand it when some one thinks differently than they do.

Sometimes all you can do is bite your tongue and let it go. The alternative, if you just CAN'T let it go, is to try and explain your opinion to this person without getting defensive. Also, getting angry and pointing out to him that he is a virgin and has no experience isn't going to accomplish anything but possibly make YOU feel better for a second. less

I think it's one thing to dismiss unsolicited opinions and another to dismiss the opinion of someone who is not experienced in sex or a different situation. I'm a virgin and I've given lots of advice and opinions on sex and relationships to people with far more experience than me, and it's usually solicited. Yes, I've been known to just throw out an unsolicited advice/opinions. hehe But I do not base my relationship advice on what I consider to be my ideal relationship, but rather on the relationship of the person asking for my advice.

I'd dismiss your friend's opinion based on the fact that he thinks there's only one twue way to conduct a relationship, and not because he's a virgin. He didn't offer advice so much as a judgmental opinion.

Just my 2 cents. less

Agreed. My sex geekery started way before I lost my virginity, and I used to feel like people would disregard my comments if they knew I was a virgin. Which was particularly distressing because I loved talking about sex, and was more knowledgeable than my peers at the time! (High school/college.) I even had people insinuate that you don't know what you like if you've never tried it with a person. less

Had it happen often and about many things most especially polyamory. See my husband and I can't develop the intimacy needed to have a truly fulfilling relationship which is why I'm a slut who can't please her man! Also I am too fat and unattractive which is why my husband doesn't come home at night. (That one pisses my life partner off so badly he often just babbles, and makes Sigel laugh) I play online RPGs which is why my husband and I can't solve our 'intimacy' issues...
All this from perfect strangers who "KNOW" what they are talking about! My kids are hellions who are sex crazed, moronic and mortally ashamed of their whore mother and her lover!
I just laugh and ask these self proclaimed specialists when the last time they had a major argument with their spouse that lead to a beautiful, deep discussion on where we were headed and what we wanted out of life and a heartfelt sincere appology for the nasty things we said in the heat of anger?
No one who meets us knows we are "deviants" unless we tell them outright...and they envy us the fact that we are deeply in love after 25 years. The EXACT same thing can be said about my relationship with my life partner who has been with us for 3 years.
My kids are well spoken, innocent, and they shine with respect and love for their trio of parental figures. So all in all I politely thank the idiots for sharing their concerns and walk away feeling rather, well...proud of what we have carved out for ourselves.

If you have done all the groundwork Tori and you are confident in your relationship then smile and tell your erstwhile friend to get back to you when he/she has a bit more experience from which to draw upon...it might be cruel but so is his/her unkind words and assumptions. less

Have you had this happen? This happened to me in a sexual conversation, but I'm sure it could happen in any other.

A good friend of mine who I am very close to (female), and another mutual friend of ours (male) were talking one day, and my female friend and I were discussing the possibility of a threesome in my relationship. I am very much attracted to all sexes and gender identities and not comfortable with 100% monogamy, and my boyfriend is fine with that and has been open to this possibility since day 1. It's been well discussed, we know our parameters, we know each others comfort levels, everything to make this as happy and healthy of an experience as possible - I've done this before, I understand what's important and the red flags, and I think it's a great time for all.

Here's where the problem comes in: the mutual male friend - who is a virgin (not by choice) at 31 and has never had a real girlfriend or relationship decides to step up and say 'If you're thinking about a threesome, there must be real problems in the relationship. There is no reason for that in a healthy relationship.'

I'm sorry, WHAT? Look, it's one thing to have had a bad experience that's jaded your outlook or something like that but to have zero experience and make it sound like something is wrong in MY relationship? I think that's majorly out of line.

I was a good girl - I kept my mouth shut. Simply because sometimes I only run on 2 speeds; nice girl and rip-your-head-off :-P and I wasn't in the mood for the argument.

But have you had this happen, in any situation? Had someone that clearly has no basis for an opinion offer one, and unsolicited at that?

If you can't tell, I'm still fuming a little from this one... less

A person can be a virgin and be knowledgeable. That's a misconception on your part, and honestly, it seems like you're not so educated either.

You kept your mouth shut - if you had a problem, you should have opened it and educated him. If you didn't have a problem, then what's the big deal? If you're not going to educate the ignorant, then you are JUST as bad as them. less

Sir, if you had read the rest of the posts, you would've seen that I've stated several times that he is NOT educated, virgin or not. I know enough about him to know that is simply not the case.

And also, I have attempted to educate this person on other things, and been either dismissed or insulted, so why continue to bother on this person? I have a problem with the judgmental attitude that he took based on zero information, not his actual opinion. If it had been based on education, experience, etc. I would have simply shrugged it off as his personal opinion, but it was not, it was an outright, unwarranted judgment. less

I never said that this person was educated. I was talking in general. You even bringing up the fact that this person's a virgin shows that you do not accept that they are one and feel that their opinion is less valid for it.

If you've been so badly treated and you do not like this individual's opinions, why are you still associating yourself with them? If they're not willing to listen to reason and they really upset you, then you should remove yourself from the situation and move on from it.

I agree with you - why continue to bother with this person? But you are saying all of these things to me, someone who has nothing to do with the situation. You should be saying them to the person who deserves it - the person who offended you. less

Lack of a relationship is not the thing to confront him about. That's his prerogative and choice. What there is to confront him about, though, are his thoughts on poly or non-monogamous relationships. Being single and his views have nothing to do with one another. A person can be single, and a self-proclaimed virgin, and still be educated and OPEN-MINDED on these topics (one of who posted on this very thread). less

Ummm ya I agree with your unstated feelings...it's time to move on and get away from this negative waste of space! He has no right to make diagnoses, he isn't a doctor. Internalizing abuse can trigger a panic attack and make anxiety disorder much worse...and I got my experience by being unable to tolerate the meds used for this disorder and having to go through therapy. Stocking shelves in a pharmacy doesn't make you an expert in anything but stocking shelves...if he had a degree he'd know that what he's saying is wrong and hurtful.
He's a clod and not worth your time if he can't at least abide by social norms...good lord I wish my friends would wrap me in cotton wool and let me mouth off with out repercussions. I am just as opinionated but I get my fingers slapped harshly for stepping over the lines he is disregarding! less