Arguing and Fighting in a D/s Relationship?

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Arguing and Fighting in a D/s Relationship?

LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Is it acceptable to use the relationship for fighting and arguing?

Example : Your man/woman is arguing with you about something, and they literally put their foot down. Yelling. Man/Woman comes back to their partner and apologizes five minutes later. My bad if I can't get my temper or hold back my tears when it has only been five minutes. And expects ME to say I'm sorry?

That just isn't happening.

I have a real problem with his anger issues and a real problem with his outbursts like a child has a temper tantrum. I know all couples fight, but I DO NOT tolerate yelling and his outbursts about worthless shit that doesn't even matter. A fan? Really? A fucking fan?

I can't just forgive that quickly. Sure. Give me an hour to cool off. We can talk then. If you talk FIVE MINUTES after it happened, I'm going to tell you I'm not sorry and I will not say I'm sorry, ever. Then the whole "you do this everytime! you shut down on me and don't talk to me after we fight! fuck you"

After that.. I tried to continue making dinner. I ended up turning off the burners and as I was walking away, telling him to go fuck himself right back.

As you can see.. I'm just ranting. It made me feel better, thank you. xoxo

What do you all think? Any experience with this?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
I am in a D/s Relationship and this has happened.
Sir , gsfanatic
2
I am in a D/s Relationship and this doesn't happen.
humblepie , Master DarkWolf , Iron Man , DreamWolf , Airen Wolf , Ansley , Red Vinyl Kitty , Sir
8
I am in a D/s Relationship and this is unacceptable.
Master DarkWolf , Iron Man , DreamWolf , Airen Wolf , Ansley , KrissyNovacaine , Dixiemomma , dv8
8
I am in a D/s Relationship and this is totally fine.
Sir , gsfanatic
2
I'm not in that kind of lifestyle, but it is not okay.
wrmbreze , ghalik , bayosgirl , K101 , GONE! , butts , xMila , BG529 , Femme Mystique , Envy
10
I'm not in that kind of lifestyle, but it is okay.
Other -- Please Explain!
Bex1331 , Master DarkWolf , DreamWolf , jmex83 , ghalik , js250 , Airen Wolf , Geogeo
8
Total votes: 38 (26 voters)
Poll is closed
06/14/2012
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Bex1331 Bex1331
I'm not in that sort of lifestyle but honestly that shouldn't have too much to do with it,, its more about the people involved. I couldn't decide if it was acceptable or not because everyone handles conflict differently. I remember a study on relationships that states that there are three ways people deal with conflict. 1. They explode: scream, yell, etc. 2. They want to talk it out. or 3. The ignore the issue completely. Surprisingly the study stated that none of these ways are worse than the other in a relationship, the important thing is that you resolve conflict in the same way. For example a person who likes to ignore conflict would not do well with someone who likes to talk it out.
That was my really long way of saying: no there is nothing wrong with fighting, even yelling sometimes, as long as it's okay with everyone involved. On the other hand the yelling CANNOT cross the line into abuse, yelling is one thing but there is a point where it can cross the line and if it gets anywhere close it should NOT be tolerated.
As for his cooling off so fast, you should try talking to him at a time when you are both cooled off and explain to him that it just takes you time to process the fight before you can talk, this is just a difference in how you deal with conflict but if you both understand it, it can be remedied.
06/14/2012
Antipova Antipova
Sounds like you need a sit-down conversation about how to and how not to have discussions with each other's communication styles.

Say "hey, being yelled at is a really traumatic thing for me. When it happens, which I hope will be less and less often, I need you to give me ample time to recover. That means on the scale of hours, not on the scale of minutes."

Ask how he thinks you could respond better to his style better, too (but don't let that include bending over backward to keep him from yelling! Conversation is about finding common ground, not one person always yielding 100%. Even with a D/s dynamic.).
06/14/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
I'm not in that sort of lifestyle but honestly that shouldn't have too much to do with it,, its more about the people involved. I couldn't decide if it was acceptable or not because everyone handles conflict differently. I remember a ...
Great response!
06/14/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
My understanding of the D/s relationship is about trust, NOT about anyone bullying or acting childish. His yelling at you? Unacceptable. Cursing at you? Totally not cool. Others have given great advice on handling this, but I have nothing to add since I, too am in a frustrating relationship and not even sure what to do.
06/15/2012
js250 js250
My husband has an explosive temper as well and will go off at everything. I do get sick and tired of it--the yelling, bitching and negativity. It gets old. I am like you--hate the conflict but find myself ungluing back if approached too soon. I am not a normally angry person and it takes a hell of a lot longer for me to cool down than it did to get a reaction from yelling at me. Let me stew, work through it and decide to like you again. If I am approached when I am feeling hurt/disgusted/or angry----all hell is going to break loose. I defend myself, right or wrong. You two might need to do what we are trying, bitch/anger and negative times throughout the day. It is working so far, but we have slipped a couple of times.
06/15/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
Is it acceptable to use the relationship for fighting and arguing?

Example : Your man/woman is arguing with you about something, and they literally put their foot down. Yelling. Man/Woman comes back to their partner and apologizes five minutes ...
In my relationship that doesn't have a D/s flavor we argue like this when we are tired and not in the mood to compromise. We feel horrible afterwards but we've been together so long that sometimes we forget how to bend.
In my relationship that has an element of D/s we don't fight like this because he will simply refuse after a while to continue the argument. He stonewalls and then expects me to exert myself, after which he will discuss things but only if they are rational.
In both relationship we do not expect an apology unless one is warranted and I dunno but it seems that having a trusted partner that is outside the argument tends to keep things more fairly balanced. If I am being a bitch (which I will freely admit is the problem most of the time) then either guy will point out when I am being unfair and actually demand an apology for the offended party. Sometimes it's nice to have a partner to roll eyes at when the third is spouting off or being a dick...other times it can be quite frightening to watch your partners snarling at each other and have to stay out of the fray.
Our dynamic is unusual though and sometimes very fragile and at other times the most stable thing out there...

In both relationships though we try to draw the line at abusive behavior like calling names or bringing up unrelated past problems. We try to avoid circular arguments that are unproductive but sometimes we just feel like bitching at each other. The main thing we always do is talk about it when we have had a cooling off period and work toward resolving the issue so that it doesn't lead to another boil over. It's not easy to fight with your lovers no matter what kind of dynamic you have...and realizing you've hurt them and they hurt you right back leaves you feeling scared and even angrier.
Sometimes I think there should be a referee and a boxing ring available for every sparring match...ya know? Sometimes I think verbal sparring hurts more and for far longer than physical fights. I will admit I am not 100% sure of this because we have NEVER devolved and been physical with each other but I suspect, ya know? We had to come to the realization that if "I love you" Is never supposed to be said with a fist then we had to realize that it also should not have a "but" in there either. It should be an absolute. "I love you, so I know we can work this out in a mature fashion" has become our family motto. It doesn't always work out this way but damn it, if we don't keep trying!

Best of luck and rant away whenever you need to Luscious Lollypop sometimes it helps just to know you aren't alone...we all suffer through these episodes and it's nice to know that other people have had these types of arguments and survived with relationship intact...bruised but mostly intact!
06/15/2012
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
Is it acceptable to use the relationship for fighting and arguing?

Example : Your man/woman is arguing with you about something, and they literally put their foot down. Yelling. Man/Woman comes back to their partner and apologizes five minutes ...
Yikes. No way! I'm not good with letting a man have control over me or even talk down to me. Also, I totally don't do temper tantrums. Act like a baby and I kick your ass to the curb. Anger problem, another thing I absolutely don't tolerate from a male. Thankfully, my partner and I don't have a relationship where one controls the other or anything like that. Fun 'do what I say m'fer!' in bed, that's great and wonderful sometimes, but any other time and especially if it's not done in good, fun nature, I won't stand for it. Actually, I just won't be with a person like that. I've always been the kind of girl who dumped a guy as soon as anger or childish problems showed up.

Never ask me to say sorry. It's not pretty. Gosh, I sound like a royal bitch. I'm actually sweet and kind and quiet! LOL. However, I make it clear that I'm a female and that does not mean I should subject to any male. I just don't like disrespect like that. If you expect an apology and I'm truly sorrry, it's going to take me a lot longer than 5 minutes to start being sorry. Lol. I'll apologize, but noone should be told or expected to. It makes no sense because then, if you do say, OK, fine, here's your apology, it doesn't mean anything.

I understand fights and arguments. Jesus, we certainly argue over some things. We're big on talking it out and fixing it though. I cannot stand a man acting like a child or throwing an anger or temper tantrum. Nothing gets to me quite like that! Anger issues really scare me though, that is why I won't be around a male with an anger problem. I've dealt with it before and been abused by a guy and I quickly learned that I could NOT stay around and allow for that shit.

It sounds like he wants to get down to the problem right when you're needing to think alone, cool off. I'd just simply say "look, I really have to take a few minutes when I'm upset to calm down." That really can make a humongous difference if your partner will give you a little while to calm down. If he simply won't and continues to act this way all the time, over small things, it may cause you to have this upsets even more often. Maybe talk calmly and as soon as the temper rises, walk away and sternly tell him you'll refuse to stick around and listen while he yells and acts crazy. Then, you give him no choice but to either do it calmly or leave you alone until he can.
06/15/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
If he's fighting like a child, he's not a real Dom. He's an asshole.
06/15/2012
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
If he's fighting like a child, he's not a real Dom. He's an asshole.
I think I have to agree!
06/15/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I don't really have a comment on how other people fight, as long as violence isn't involved, and people recover and make up OK.

I did want to make clear (not for the OP, as she already knows this ) that being in a D/s relationship is not really "one person having 'control' over an other." That's really misunderstanding an extremely complicated Power Dynamic. It isn't about having to "subject to a male." It's.... way more complicated than that.

Every relationship has a power dynamic; some choose to recognize it, for some, it's only slight, and for others, it's easier to ignore the obvious dynamic. But, D/s relationships are not about "controlling" or "subjecting" in the way a lot of people think they are.

OK, I'm done.

I do think that most people think the way every other couple fights is dysfunctional! We know a couple who quietly "discuss" things, but all I can see is their barely controlled rage simmering below the surface, which then sublimates in passive aggressive behavior on the woman's part and feigning ignorance that anything is wrong (except for the fact that he barely ever gets laid) on the man's part. Neither My Man or I can understand how they live like this, but then they probably can't understand our blow outs. But, we make up and there isn't lasting resentment. I think that's the key.

I don't agree that there is necessarily a "right way to fight" anymore. (I think some therapists just made up rules to get more patients. ) Outright violence, threats, emotional black mail, using the kids as pawns etc is out of bounds. But, some people are simply louder than others. IF there is no resentment and the make up is fair and everyone is OK afterward, that's just the way that couple fights. If you can't stand this style of disagreement (which means you don't participate in it!) then that's something else.

Some people are loud fighters. Feisty people are going to be feisty fighters. If it bothers you, don't DO it. If you participate in it, it either needs to be part of the relationship (because some people DO have short tempers and there is not much one can do about that) or the one who doesn't want that in the relationship has some thinking to do.

I guess what I'm saying is; if both of you are yelling "FUCK YOU!" and then one of you gets "hurt by the language" when you were also participating in it, it doesn't make a lot of sense. If a method of fighting isn't working, then you need to work to change it by not participating. IF both participate in "feisty" fighting, then both are to blame. OR, that's just the way you two argue.

It takes a LONG time to get used to other people's rhythms. My Man still wants to make up after 10 minutes sometimes, if HE'S in the mood for it. Learning how your partner gets angry and them learning how you act when you are angry is an ongoing thing. It's never done! Lolly, you guys have a really stressful month. Let this one go. My guess is your man was pretty much forced to "apologize" to people when he was a kid when he got angry. I think this is bullshit (to make kids do this) because if the thought isn't there and they don't feel sorry, it's just humiliating for both parties. Sadly, people imitate their parents, until they realize what they are doing. (And that can take years.) His demanding an "apology" was probably a left over from when he was a kid.

Figure out if this is worth an other fight before you bring it up again. It may take years for you two to understand each others rhythms. Until then, (and even after that, as it is always changing) if you two love each other, you KNOW you can't change him. I don't HAVE any advice, but I'm not going to diss him, when you know we don't know the whole story, and I know both of you have been through hell this month.

Maybe let this one blow over?
06/15/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
If he's fighting like a child, he's not a real Dom. He's an asshole.
OH THIS!!!! THIS! THIS! THIS!

Doms are confident. Doms are secure. Doms are calm. How can you Dom safely if you can't keep your head?

He seems like a child that wants to be a Dom not an actual Dom.
06/15/2012
Dixiemomma Dixiemomma
my Mister would NEVER expect me to calm down that quickly, he's very patient and understanding and listens to how i feel. you shouldnt have to walk on egg shells around him. his patience and understanding with me is what makes me respect him and trust him as my Dom ...

i'm sorry your going through this hun, especially after what you've been through recently
06/15/2012
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
In my relationship that doesn't have a D/s flavor we argue like this when we are tired and not in the mood to compromise. We feel horrible afterwards but we've been together so long that sometimes we forget how to bend.
In my relationship ...
Very well said!!!
06/15/2012
Red Vinyl Kitty Red Vinyl Kitty
I agree with everyone else on the whole "everyone 'fights' differently."

Master and me don't fight. No one really ever believes me on that one, but we seriously don't. Sure, we disagree, but, in our dynamic, Master's choice is the one we go with. I'm allowed (when given leave) to tell him my opinion, and why I think that way, but at the end of the day, I leave the decisions to him. I trust him a lot, and if he wants something to be one way, then it is so.

The other thing is that Master and me are very, very similar in a lot of ways, so if we disagree on something, it is never the general day to day stuff. It's the major stuff that comes up every once in a while. (Where will we take vacation? What sort of pet will we get? What should we do with our birthday money? Etc etc).

We don't argue because there isn't a "need" for it. I always feel like I've been heard, and if he doesn't go and do the thing I wanted to do, or buy, or whatever, then I don't mope about it. He takes really good care of me, and I trust that his decisions are the right ones.

I know lots of people in D/s relationships who do argue. I have no idea how that works for them, because it's not what Master and me do. I think that if you're going to "fight" or "argue" then as long as you come to a resolution that works for both of you, then all is well.

Good luck!
06/15/2012
Sir Sir
I actually used to be incredibly short-tempered because I would hold the huge things that would happen and keep them tucked away, but then little things would set me off as a result. It's a poor trait to have as a Dominant, because it gets the submissive confused in many ways.

Your Dominant simply needs to learn where his priorities lie and also learn to keep calm first, get pissed later. In addition to that, you saying "fuck you" back? I'm surprised that no one commented on that. You seem to be no better than him in terms of the fighting, and it seems like you have a double standard. If you don't want him to yell at you, don't yell at him.

In addition to that, does he know that yelling is traumatic for you? If he doesn't, you should tell him. It's your job as his submissive to be completely upfront with him about things like that. How will he know to avoid it if he doesn't know that it's traumatic for you?

And perhaps another thing to consider: some blow off steam by yelling, it's cathartic much like scening. If this is his flavor of catharsis, maybe you two are not compatible.

As for me, I have no problem with yelling in a relationship. I personally love that push and pull of aggression and high strung emotion. It's arousing for me, at times. I also enjoy making lovers cry (not always in fights about really big things though - I prefer having conversations and discussions with that). The relationships where I've had short tempers, my exes also were short tempered but preferred to blame me for my short temper. It was incredibly one-sided, so forgive me if I seem to not only put the blame on your Dominant. There are two sides to every story.
06/17/2012
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 14