Arguing and Fighting in a D/s Relationship?

I'm not in that sort of lifestyle but honestly that shouldn't have too much to do with it,, its more about the people involved. I couldn't decide if it was acceptable or not because everyone handles conflict differently. I remember a study on relationships that states that there are three ways people deal with conflict. 1. They explode: scream, yell, etc. 2. They want to talk it out. or 3. The ignore the issue completely. Surprisingly the study stated that none of these ways are worse than the other in a relationship, the important thing is that you resolve conflict in the same way. For example a person who likes to ignore conflict would not do well with someone who likes to talk it out.
That was my really long way of saying: no there is nothing wrong with fighting, even yelling sometimes, as long as it's okay with everyone involved. On the other hand the yelling CANNOT cross the line into abuse, yelling is one thing but there is a point where it can cross the line and if it gets anywhere close it should NOT be tolerated.
As for his cooling off so fast, you should try talking to him at a time when you are both cooled off and explain to him that it just takes you time to process the fight before you can talk, this is just a difference in how you deal with conflict but if you both understand it, it can be remedied.

Sounds like you need a sit-down conversation about how to and how not to have discussions with each other's communication styles.

Say "hey, being yelled at is a really traumatic thing for me. When it happens, which I hope will be less and less often, I need you to give me ample time to recover. That means on the scale of hours, not on the scale of minutes."

Ask how he thinks you could respond better to his style better, too (but don't let that include bending over backward to keep him from yelling! Conversation is about finding common ground, not one person always yielding 100%. Even with a D/s dynamic.).

My understanding of the D/s relationship is about trust, NOT about anyone bullying or acting childish. His yelling at you? Unacceptable. Cursing at you? Totally not cool. Others have given great advice on handling this, but I have nothing to add since I, too am in a frustrating relationship and not even sure what to do.

My husband has an explosive temper as well and will go off at everything. I do get sick and tired of it--the yelling, bitching and negativity. It gets old. I am like you--hate the conflict but find myself ungluing back if approached too soon. I am not a normally angry person and it takes a hell of a lot longer for me to cool down than it did to get a reaction from yelling at me. Let me stew, work through it and decide to like you again. If I am approached when I am feeling hurt/disgusted/or angry----all hell is going to break loose. I defend myself, right or wrong. You two might need to do what we are trying, bitch/anger and negative times throughout the day. It is working so far, but we have slipped a couple of times.

If he's fighting like a child, he's not a real Dom. He's an asshole.

I don't really have a comment on how other people fight, as long as violence isn't involved, and people recover and make up OK.

I did want to make clear (not for the OP, as she already knows this ) that being in a D/s relationship is not really "one person having 'control' over an other." That's really misunderstanding an extremely complicated Power Dynamic. It isn't about having to "subject to a male." It's.... way more complicated than that.

Every relationship has a power dynamic; some choose to recognize it, for some, it's only slight, and for others, it's easier to ignore the obvious dynamic. But, D/s relationships are not about "controlling" or "subjecting" in the way a lot of people think they are.

OK, I'm done.

I do think that most people think the way every other couple fights is dysfunctional! We know a couple who quietly "discuss" things, but all I can see is their barely controlled rage simmering below the surface, which then sublimates in passive aggressive behavior on the woman's part and feigning ignorance that anything is wrong (except for the fact that he barely ever gets laid) on the man's part. Neither My Man or I can understand how they live like this, but then they probably can't understand our blow outs. But, we make up and there isn't lasting resentment. I think that's the key.

I don't agree that there is necessarily a "right way to fight" anymore. (I think some therapists just made up rules to get more patients. ) Outright violence, threats, emotional black mail, using the kids as pawns etc is out of bounds. But, some people are simply louder than others. IF there is no resentment and the make up is fair and everyone is OK afterward, that's just the way that couple fights. If you can't stand this style of disagreement (which means you don't participate in it!) then that's something else.

Some people are loud fighters. Feisty people are going to be feisty fighters. If it bothers you, don't DO it. If you participate in it, it either needs to be part of the relationship (because some people DO have short tempers and there is not much one can do about that) or the one who doesn't want that in the relationship has some thinking to do.

I guess what I'm saying is; if both of you are yelling "FUCK YOU!" and then one of you gets "hurt by the language" when you were also participating in it, it doesn't make a lot of sense. If a method of fighting isn't working, then you need to work to change it by not participating. IF both participate in "feisty" fighting, then both are to blame. OR, that's just the way you two argue.

It takes a LONG time to get used to other people's rhythms. My Man still wants to make up after 10 minutes sometimes, if HE'S in the mood for it. Learning how your partner gets angry and them learning how you act when you are angry is an ongoing thing. It's never done! Lolly, you guys have a really stressful month. Let this one go. My guess is your man was pretty much forced to "apologize" to people when he was a kid when he got angry. I think this is bullshit (to make kids do this) because if the thought isn't there and they don't feel sorry, it's just humiliating for both parties. Sadly, people imitate their parents, until they realize what they are doing. (And that can take years.) His demanding an "apology" was probably a left over from when he was a kid.

Figure out if this is worth an other fight before you bring it up again. It may take years for you two to understand each others rhythms. Until then, (and even after that, as it is always changing) if you two love each other, you KNOW you can't change him. I don't HAVE any advice, but I'm not going to diss him, when you know we don't know the whole story, and I know both of you have been through hell this month.

Maybe let this one blow over?

my Mister would NEVER expect me to calm down that quickly, he's very patient and understanding and listens to how i feel. you shouldnt have to walk on egg shells around him. his patience and understanding with me is what makes me respect him and trust him as my Dom ...

i'm sorry your going through this hun, especially after what you've been through recently

I actually used to be incredibly short-tempered because I would hold the huge things that would happen and keep them tucked away, but then little things would set me off as a result. It's a poor trait to have as a Dominant, because it gets the submissive confused in many ways.

Your Dominant simply needs to learn where his priorities lie and also learn to keep calm first, get pissed later. In addition to that, you saying "fuck you" back? I'm surprised that no one commented on that. You seem to be no better than him in terms of the fighting, and it seems like you have a double standard. If you don't want him to yell at you, don't yell at him.

In addition to that, does he know that yelling is traumatic for you? If he doesn't, you should tell him. It's your job as his submissive to be completely upfront with him about things like that. How will he know to avoid it if he doesn't know that it's traumatic for you?

And perhaps another thing to consider: some blow off steam by yelling, it's cathartic much like scening. If this is his flavor of catharsis, maybe you two are not compatible.

As for me, I have no problem with yelling in a relationship. I personally love that push and pull of aggression and high strung emotion. It's arousing for me, at times. I also enjoy making lovers cry (not always in fights about really big things though - I prefer having conversations and discussions with that). The relationships where I've had short tempers, my exes also were short tempered but preferred to blame me for my short temper. It was incredibly one-sided, so forgive me if I seem to not only put the blame on your Dominant. There are two sides to every story.