Checking in with your SO...

We will often check in with each other from time-to-time. Usually to let each other know when we're headed to bed or something. We will let each other know, also, if we're going to be later than expected, but as a courtesy, not because it's expected. I will also tell him if I change locations, not because he's going to care where I am, but in case there's an emergency and he cannot reach me.

I just went to a roller derby bout in another state. The only times I heard from him were:

1. When he spent money we hadn't budgeted.
2. When the kids were going to bed he tried calling me to see if I had a chance to say goodnight. I didn't and called back when I did have a moment to see if it was urgent (though I suspected it wasn't urgent since there was no voicemail or text).
3. This morning because I saw on FB that he was up at 2:40 and I wasn't feeling well at 3:00 so I texted to see if he was still up so I could whine about my tummy, as my roommates were still out and I had no one to snuggle me. (he was not awake and I didn't hear from him til morning)

Question: Do you go out often? I ask because we had some growing pains when I started becoming social and going out more. After a while he learned that I am always going to come home (unless there's an accident, in which case the police/hospital would inform him... and that has never happened), that us having time out of the house is better for our relationship because it gives us (a) things to talk about and (b) a life outside each other so time together is of better quality, and that I'm a happier person with an adult's social life. But at first it was difficult because his stay-at-home-wife with very few friends wanted to leave the house... often.

he just likes to know "hey I'm here safe" but I don't think it's that odd, he just likes to know I made it wherever I'm going, he also waits up for me to be sure I made it home safe, but he sends me the same texts when he's out, it doesn't really bother me...

I don't have to check in with him, but I'll let him know about what time I'll be home when I'm ready to leave wherever I'm at, it's just a considerate gesture.

Check-ins are not required in our relationship but we both do it as a courtesy. I let her know where I am and what I'm doing so she never has to worry about me - and vice versa. Should something happen - say one of us needs the other, we always know where to find them. She's always free to go where she likes; it isn't a control thing whatsoever. She volunteers to keep me up to date and I do the same. I think it also has helped build trust ober the years. I'm always where I say I am, and so is she.

my philosophy is let them SO know about an event before hand and if it appears one will be several hours late. This is in case it conflicts with mutual plans and seems like a common courtesy, nyah! other than that, no. mandating check ins, especially multiple ones in a day is creepy and controlling.

We definitely don't "require" check-ins from each other - we're both adults, after all. But as a courtesy, I'll check in if I'm going to be out later than I thought, or even if I just need to hear a friendly voice.

I think if you're having some serious issues with trust or anything else, some good solid communication can't hurt. In fact you may be able to figure out exactly why he's expecting you to check in, because there has to be something behind it - and there's no need to assume (without proof) that it's a negative feeling behind his desire for the check-ins. (like lack of trust, for example)

A communication technique we've started using this past year is called "mirroring". If you do an internet search for "Imago Mirroring Dialogue" you can even find a website where you can sign up for a free 12 week course that will be sent to your email each week. It walks you through the basic mirroring dialogues, and helps you learn how to use this tool as a couple to avoid arguments and tensions.

What we like about it is that there is an actual prescribed dialogue to follow. With practice, it has allowed us to create a "neutral zone" in which each of us is free to express concerns, fears, worries, etc. without making the other person feel attacked. It allows each of us to listen to the other without feeling defensive, and just hear them and what they need.

It's been a wonderful process for us, and I think it really might help you and your husband too. Especially after 10 years and 2 kids, that sounds like something worth saving - and if it's worth saving it's also worth improving in my book! Best wishes to you both!

He doesn't expect me to check in, but he sometimes calls to check in on me. I don't mind it and actually appreciate it sometimes. I don't think I would want the pressure of being expected to call, though.

I dont check in

If it is something casual then no need to check in, but if it is something like a long distance travel, we both check in with one another to let the other know we made it wherever we may be headed safely

I'm not expected to check in, and neither is he, but we both always do. It's mostly because we're both worriers and both don't like to make the other worry, so we'll send a text to basically assure one another we haven't gotten into a car accident or something bad hasn't happened.

I check in but I don't have to.

It's nice to say where you're going, but for me and my boyfriend, we'd shoot each other a quick text saying something like "Hey, going out with X, be back later" and then "Okay, have fun!" Maybe sending a text or two while we're out. We don't expect each other to periodically check in while we're out...

sounds like you're both not thinking of the relationship?

Should it be required? Maybe not. It's a harsh word, but is it considerate? Um, duh,

I check in as a courtesy, but I have never felt like I was expected to. I respond the same way--I like it when she checks in, but it's not expected.

Seems a little bit possessive. Unless you're abroad or something, then it's totally fine to let them know you're OK.

If I had my own phone this wouldn't even be an issue, it's just that I didn't want to intrude on my friend to let him know what I was doing, like I was a child. Just felt very controlled.....I do not respond well to this type of control lol

I actually find it more odd not to check in to be perfectly honest with you.

Checking in doesn't necessarily have anything to do with trust, or how great you two are together. Checking in gives peace of mind to your partner to know that everything is going just fine.

If I am going to the store 10 minutes away I don't check in with him, but if I'm going to be out for a longer time than just to pick something up and come home, I ALWAYS check in.

If I didn't, he'd probably freak out and worry, because he expects it. He doesn't expect it because he demands it, just because he knows that I'll send him a quick text to say hey I'm here.

I also love to send him pictures of my girls-days-out, and my friends and I take silly pictures for him. It's also a way to include him even if he isn't doing something fun with us.

Just as when he goes out, I expect him to at least tell me he got there okay.