Committing to marriage without having ever having sex with your partner.

Alive Alive
Many people have been through divorce in their lives so I imagine many of the people on hear who are single have been married before so this discussion is mostly for them.

My question is this: If you have met someone whether through this site or some other venue and have been able to have a discussion about sexual intimacy and what you and her/him expect in relation to the sexual intimacy in your marriage and you both agree that your ideas, desires, needs, and attitudes about sexual intimacy are in line with each others then would you be able to commit to marriage with that person for the rest of your lives without actually ever having sex with them? This is not done to judge anyone at all, just a question. I had sex before I got married before, just considering the alternative this time. Looking forward to all comments.
12/22/2013
  • Get 3 amazing toys for $60 only
  • Black Friday Cyber Monday 70% Clearance
  • Black Friday Cyber Monday 50% Clearance
  • Black Friday Cyber Monday 40% Clearance
  • Black Friday Cyber Monday 25% Clearance
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Alive
Many people have been through divorce in their lives so I imagine many of the people on hear who are single have been married before so this discussion is mostly for them.

My question is this: If you have met someone whether through this site ... More
Talking about how a car drives...reading the reviews, seeing a video, may all be good. A test drive is something else entirely. If you are withholding for reasons of religion, perceived respect..etc. then hold to your guns and it will probably be fine if everything else in the relationship is good. A marriage is made of far, far more then sex. However,, for me, sex is a critical component of happiness and I would, in this day and age, want to make sure we were as compatible in bed as outside it. I got very lucky in choosing a spouse that way, but you have to do what feels best to you. Best wishes on future happiness.
12/22/2013
Ansley Ansley
Having been in numerous situations where someone said one thing online and then found their true nature to be the exact opposite, I could not marry someone without having been physically intimate with them. A kiss can make or break that spell...
12/23/2013
Alive Alive
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Having been in numerous situations where someone said one thing online and then found their true nature to be the exact opposite, I could not marry someone without having been physically intimate with them. A kiss can make or break that spell...
Thank you for your reply. I was actually truly considering that the two people would have already met and spent time together and discussed these things in person just that they had not had sex together.
12/23/2013
edeneve edeneve
one reason for me to have sex pre-marriage is that we don't all have the same definition or understanding of words or ideas - have & continue, to learn this the hard way - ouch!
12/23/2013
Alive Alive
Thank you for your replies!
12/24/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
I do not believe it is necessary to have sex before marriage. As long as you are both healthy and do not have any physical/emotional issues about sex, there is little chance that you will not be able to have amazing sex. Sex is so much better with someone you really love and trust. Since you said that you had already discussed your desires and expectations regarding sex there should not be any issues. If your partner is giving and puts you first in other areas of a relationship, they will most likely do that in the bedroom once you are married. Hopefully you will also put them first.

Some of the longest marriages I know are ones where they waited to have sex until they were married. I think that was because they focused on developing the other areas of the relationship before they got married and had similar values.

From my own experience, I did not wait before my first marriage. Had we waited, I would not have married him.

Good luck to you both.
12/24/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Pete's Princess
I do not believe it is necessary to have sex before marriage. As long as you are both healthy and do not have any physical/emotional issues about sex, there is little chance that you will not be able to have amazing sex. Sex is so much better with ... More
I guess this is one of those things where it really depends on so many different things. For instance, I do not know anyone who waited to have sex until after they married that are still married. I know more divorced people than I do married couples. The only way this would work for me is my partner was 100% willing to make changes to the way they do things in the bedroom if I find it unappealing.

There is something sweet and romantic about waiting, but in this day and age and for the majority of people out there, I don't think it's a very realistic ideal.
12/26/2013
Alive Alive
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I guess this is one of those things where it really depends on so many different things. For instance, I do not know anyone who waited to have sex until after they married that are still married. I know more divorced people than I do married couples. ... More
I believe most people don't believe it to be realistic today because most people including myself in the past are so focused on themselves and their feelings and their rights and their pleasure and their individuality that they miss the point of marriage altogether. There was a couple I heard about, (a true story by the way), this married couple went to a counselor who happened to be a pastor also because they were (as a couple) concerned about the intimate part of their marriage in that that part of their marriage wasn't as vibrant and fulfilling as it once was. The pastor discussed this with them and at the end of the session they made another appointment for a future session. He told them that between the time before their next appointment he wanted them to have sex every day. This surprised me and I imagine them also because I would have expected the pastor to tell them to abstain from sex going with the belief that absent makes the heart grow fonder. What the pastor also instructed them was to focus entirely on pleasing their partner during sex and not themselves. When this couple returned for the next session they were happy and excited because the excitement and pleasure and fulfillment of a vibrant intimate life had returned to their marriage when they decided to focus on what their spouse needed as being more important than their own needs.
There was another couple I new personally. The husband and I were involved in a type of business arrangement. I had been talking after my divorce about how many wives continually find excuses to not have sex with their husbands and this husband told me as a matter of fact, in other words he wasn't bragging, that he had never had that problem and he and his wife had been married for 40 some years at that point. You could wonder if he was being truthful. I basically got conformation on this one day at their house, we had been having coffee and just talking, him and his wife and myself, nothing sexual at all going on, I was in my upper 30s at the time and them in their 60's and his wife surprised me by telling me that when she was going to get married her grandmother told her that if she wanted to have a happy husband then when he was in the mood she should just grin and bear it, in other words be happy that her husband desired her and give herself to her husband. Many women today do not agree with giving themselves to their husbands freely in that way, but look at the difference, this husband and wife were still in love with each other after over 40 years of marriage and many of the women today who do not agree with giving themselves to their husbands freely like she did are divorced and miserable and looking for someone else to magically make them happy, many men for that matter in the same state.
This day and age is in the state it is in with an ever increasing divorce rate because we have rejected the true ideals of marriage which is caring for each other as more important than ourselves for an alternative which is selfishness and a belief of taking care of I and me as being more important.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am no better than anyone else, I have made many of these same mistakes in the past that is why I am also divorced. I am not seeing anyone at present, actually haven't seen anyone for over 5 years, trying not to make the same mistakes as in the past. All I am trying to say is that I believe we need to consider the needs of others as just as important or more important as our own needs most of the time and that the morals of the past that many people are rejecting were actually a very important foundation for a happy life and a fulfilling marriage.
I thank you for your response, your comments, and I sincerely hope you accept my comments in a loving way and not meant to be judgmental, just feel the need at times to express my thoughts.
12/27/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Alive
I believe most people don't believe it to be realistic today because most people including myself in the past are so focused on themselves and their feelings and their rights and their pleasure and their individuality that they miss the point of ... More
I would like to start out by saying that I am one of those wives who gives it up whenever hubby wants it. Not because someone told me to or suggested it in the past or as part of any religious doctrine -- it's because I love him and I know that even if I'm not in the mood at THAT moment, as soon as we start going I will be all about it. Same goes for him, I may be randy and he may be tired but he knows that it's an important part of our dynamic.

As we've gotten older and life has gotten in the way more times than we can count there are a few periods where we are both content to just fall asleep together and sex will happen when it happens.

I am a firm believer that women and men do their best to ruin their marriages by being selfish and still trying to be an independent person instead of fosterng the other person's desires. A marriage is a partnership. Period.

We used to catch so much hell for being co-dependent, but in all honesty, we wouldn't want it any other way. It'll probably be the most brutal thing to ever happen to either of us when one of us passes on to the next plane, but for now we couldn't be happier if we tried.
12/27/2013
Alive Alive
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I would like to start out by saying that I am one of those wives who gives it up whenever hubby wants it. Not because someone told me to or suggested it in the past or as part of any religious doctrine -- it's because I love him and I know that ... More
Good for both of you, may your love for each other never diminish and continue deepening.
12/27/2013
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 5