we had a lovely vday planned and it started incredible - flowers, dinner, chocolate, gifts exchanged, sex... then we got in a few fights, the last one he called me a bitch for no good reason and i left.
i intended on spending the night in, but on a whim called a good old friend of mine, who i've had sexual encounters with in the past, casually.
he suggested we go to a strip club. i'd never been. i was nervous, uncomfortable, but he took my hand, bought my beers and my lap dance from this super cute gal who was so down to earth and so into me. she madeout with me, licked my nipples. i was in heaven.
i kissed him. it was amazing.
long story short i told my boyfriend about it. he has fantasies of me being with other people, men AND women, and we were about to add a girl to our bedroom. he gets off sometimes only from hearing me tell him about me being with guys in the past. so. i told him i kissed my male friend.
he freaked out.
he called me later at work, his grandma was dead unexpectedly.
i left work to go be with him. i knew he needed me.
he got really drunk and was incoherent, i've never seen him so distraught.
other awful things ensued, further sealing the nail on the coffin of our relationship.
he wants to be with me though he feels i cheated on him. i'm not going through that again. out of respect for him, i won't. out of respect for myself, i won't. it's obvious i want the open relationship we were moving towards, the open relationship he's now saying can't happen. and i won't live in the shadow of a mistake, the shadow of the pain i've caused him. i won't look at him every day and feel guilt and know that i've hurt him.
that kind of trust can't be won back.
it's over. now i have to bide my time and fake it till his mourning period is somewhat diminishing. we've been together a year and a half. it hurts.