I have a list of resolutions that are half-joking, half-serious. (Pardon the text wall coming up.)
1. Have more sex. You know how many times I got laid in 2010? Zero. Nil. None. It sickens me to my stomach too.
2. Find my g-spot. My vagina ISN’T a cavern of mystery anymore! (Well, not really cavern. Tunnel, maybe. Crawlspace? Ant tunnel. Yeah. Ant tunnel.)
3. Keep the Dirt Fairies from dirtying my bedroom two weeks after I cleaned it. Those damn Dirt Fairies!
4. Go back to cable TV. I’m so damn tired of helicopter flyovers making my antenna freak out and having to adjust the antenna every time I want to watch a channel over channel 5.
5. Drink more wine. Because, more wine is always better, right? Call me Dionysus-a. Gotta tack on the A to make it a girl’s name.
6. Take down the Christmas tree sometime before St. Patrick’s Day. This is just common sense.
7. Upgrade my dad’s (aka the living room’s) TV to something that doesn’t have wood paneling and boasts rabbit ears. I think that thing is older than I am.
8. Save money to pay off the Dirt Fairies. And maybe get my dad a new computer.
9. Get a job. A job that doesn’t include a beachball stomach and nine months of heavy lifting. And morning sickness.
10. Live merrily, and happily. Why not? I’ll be getting more sex, having G-spot orgasms, drinking more wine, and watching Wheel of Fortune on a sweet TV.