Disappearing Friendships...

js250 js250
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married friends seem to have become a lot more distant or disappeared altogether. I have a few theories on this particular happening, but thought it would be insightful to hear from others on their thoughts of this common disappearing act....

--Are you married/in a long term relationship/single and how have or would you react to a friend becoming suddenly single?

--Your thoughts and opinions?
May 9, 10:31 am
  • Weekly Special: Hot Vibes! Buy 1 Vibrator And Get 1 FREE
  • Better Price Sale - Save 50%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 70%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 60%
  • Better Price - Save 40%
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
edeneve edeneve
simply put, people leave the friendship because they have a difficult time dealing w/ the loss too. and they don't know how to be friends anymore w/ this type of situation. it's really sad that they can't deal w/ their feelings & still continue the friendship.
May 9, 11:42 am
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married ... More
What you notice is common for several reasons.

1. Some people just don't know how to respond to your loss. Same things happen when you get a disease like Cancer. You quickly find out how many friends you THOUGHT you had.

2. Some people simply were friends with you guys "as a couple". The dynamic, or interaction was with the two of you as a unit. Now that has changed.

My advice is to TREASURE the real friends you have. Those that have stuck with out. Also, you may wish to reach out to the select few who you really felt were close to you, and say to them honestly..."I know it is hard to deal with the idea of my husbands passing, but I don't want to lose you as a friend, so if that is the reason we having paired up lately, can you please realize you can say anything, and it is not going to cause me to "lose it" and let's just get together and have fun like we used to"?

Can't hurt to try!!!
May 9, 5:06 pm
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married ... More
OK, I'll be the meanie who will go "there" and add to the excellent points by Edeneve and Bignuf.....Sometimes one or both partners do not want to be around a single woman they think will somehow be on the prowl for their partner. I am NOT saying I think this is how you are, nor how I think! But I have heard enough people mention that fear, as sexist and insulting as it is, so I am going to say it's a possibility to add to the list.

I think many people project their own standards of behavior onto others and therefore they fear you doing, or a spouse doing what they would in a similar situation, especially if it involves a temptation. So, for example, the woman who is suspicious you would go after her man, or that he'd go after you, or be receptive to you, is going to do anything she can to distance them from you.

Sure, it's not easy to tell who is distant for that reason, and I'm not saying you have shallow friends like that (or at least know they think like that, most know not to announce it for fear of sounding paranoid), but these are not the type of people I personally could relate to as that mindset is so foreign to me.

Another reason a couple may drift off is because you just are "too much to deal with right now" and I mean this because they are not really your friends, just "fair weather friends". I know, I am the Debby Downer today, sorry. It's just that the others already mentioned the "better" explanations.

Yes, perhaps it was your spouse one or both were more friends with and without him, they have lost interest, or anything I already mentioned, but those are all the types of "friends" you don't need in the first place. I do agree with Bignuf though in that it's certainly worth talking about it with some of them! I'm sorry this has happened and I know you have experience with it from having cancer before all this happened. It's just something really unnecessarily thoughtless &/or cruel that people do. Instead of focusing on what their friend needs during this crisis, they opt out. (I'll just add that If someone I was friends with thought I would ever be a risk to their relationship, then they obviously do not know me at all, so good riddance.)

Some people just think you'll no longer have the same interests that they do and yes, it's selfish to only want to be friends when it's convenient for them. I tend to think of these times as weeding out the people who are not the type of friends I need. I hope their reasons for not being around are not any I've mentioned and simply are just awkwardness in knowing how to talk to you, or something. Some couples only want or feel comfortable with other couples and I don't know why that makes a difference except for what I already said, or they won't be able to relate - but that's speculation and it seems a silly thing to "dump" someone over. But people can be incredibly petty, selfish and awkward about death and suffering in general. They have the head in the sand mentality, I guess. But I think it's worth checking that they aren't just unsure if you want to still be friends with them or some other reason that's holding them back for fear of misstepping with you. You will have a better idea where people fall after calling them and giving them a chance to reconnect with you as Bignuf said.
May 10, 12:45 am
The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married ... More
True friends are still there in times of crisis. The ones that get distant are the ones that you woulden't be able to count on when it hits the fan.

People that like you for you, don't care who you are attached to or your social status may be. They just want to be around you because they like you.

I judge my true friends in times of crisis. I can tell who will be there for me when my wife blows a tire and I call them and they drop what they are doing to help or at least they make a valiant effort. (Or a similar issue you know what I mean) You will find that those people who duck and run really weren't your friends anyway. Those people turn out to be the people you are "Friendly" with.

Don't be disappointed when you learn the difference between the two because when it hits the fan you now will know who you can really count on.
May 10, 2:37 am
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary
True friends are still there in times of crisis. The ones that get distant are the ones that you woulden't be able to count on when it hits the fan.

People that like you for you, don't care who you are attached to or your social ... More
Thank you for clarifying what I have just been through! The people my husband and I thought we were the closest to--and one set of relatives he told me that no matter what , I could always count on--were the first to disappear.

The friends that stayed were either people we both knew for too many years, a set of relatives that we did not know that long-but clicked with- and the people we dealt with every day of our lives...work, cycle contacts, other common daily factors. AND many of you here on EF! I honestly have to say, you guys are part of the reason I am still here and not with my husband. Goes to show, the ones that are there for you every day, every now and again--but are in the background because they feel no need to announce it to you that they are your friends--are your real and lasting friends. I just wish we would have known this before hand and not wasted our time with the others.
May 10, 3:56 am
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
OK, I'll be the meanie who will go "there" and add to the excellent points by Edeneve and Bignuf.....Sometimes one or both partners do not want to be around a single woman they think will somehow be on the prowl for their partner. I am ... More
I did figure this one out at my husband's wake. Unbelievable to me--I just lost my best friend, partner, soul mate and lover--and seriously??!!--someone thinks I honestly give a damn about anything else? Let me tell you--once you lose everything in your world, there is nothing at all left for anything else! End of story!

I do understand why you brought up this aspect of the situation, it is unfortunately all too real. Along with the stigma of being a reminder of all they have to lose as well.
May 10, 4:00 am
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
I did figure this one out at my husband's wake. Unbelievable to me--I just lost my best friend, partner, soul mate and lover--and seriously??!!--someone thinks I honestly give a damn about anything else? Let me tell you--once you lose everything ... More
You nailed it by mentioning the reminder they see of what they could lose - good call!

What you said about not having room for anything else when you have this kind of devastation is exactly where the difference lies. Those people are not able to connect to anyone on a soul mate level and therefore assume you would act as they would. They, of course, would look for the next companion to fulfill their needs. Those people are the users in the world, always looking for the best angle to play and suspecting everyone else's motives because they assume everyone else is like them (and if people tell them otherwise, they think the people must be lying). You not only don't need them in your life, but they are poison while there.

I was fairly confident you'd know what I meant, but I am glad nonetheless that you confirmed it! I figured this was to gather possible motives to help anyone else who wonders about this should it happen to them. I didn't really think you hadn't already thought of it.

Wow, your response to IT Guy above is really true and it's not something I think many people think about or realize. So, I'm glad you voiced it. If the ones who came through for you were the everyday people (and perhaps not those proclaiming their friendship at every turn), maybe people would do well to reflect on that and what it means in their lives right now before any crisis occurs.
May 10, 2:43 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
OK, I'll be the meanie who will go "there" and add to the excellent points by Edeneve and Bignuf.....Sometimes one or both partners do not want to be around a single woman they think will somehow be on the prowl for their partner. I am ... More
Wow, good points. I hadn't even thought about the "prowling for your partner" angle. My oh my, this is a complex issue.
May 10, 2:48 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary
True friends are still there in times of crisis. The ones that get distant are the ones that you woulden't be able to count on when it hits the fan.

People that like you for you, don't care who you are attached to or your social ... More
We fully agree. If you have hundreds of "friends", I can promise in a true crisis, you will find you can count your "true" friends on one hand. If you have a tiny circle of friends, you are very, VERY lucky if you find you have one or two who really are there through "thick and thin" as they say.
May 10, 2:49 pm
The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary The-IT-Guy-And-My-Secretary
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married ... More
The other thing you are going to want to remember is sometimes you really don't need anybody else. My friends get upset with me and ask me why i'm so anti-social. The truth is I have time consuming hobbies that don't leave me much time to hang out and I have a large family. I love my family and I love my hobbies and my family participates in my hobbies.

Its not that I don't like other people I do... I just don't have as much time as your other friends to to hang out. If you are upset by that your not my friend. If you enjoy the time we spend together that's awesome.

I have had a lot of people shaft me over the years and truthfully I also enjoy being by myself... A lot. I feel like this... If I cant stand being with me how can anyone else? Knowing yourself and being at one with yourself helps bring you the peace that you give others.

So being introspective is a good thing! Lots of friends are usually lots of people asking for favors and the good ones you wont have to worry about keeping they tend to stick around without being asked to.
May 10, 9:28 pm
js250 js250
There were some very amazing people that went above and beyond the basic friendship. The friends from EF--you know who you are--emailed and had me call them to talk. They were supportive, non-judgmental and gave me strength to handle my loss.

There were also 2 people we had just met a few months prior to his death that we had not had a chance to get very close to...one friend found my phone number from a mutual acquaintance we did not know we had and called me the day before the wake. She said she would be at my house in the morning and would help out with the cleaning left, moving everything inside due to the rain and cleanup afterwards. I could not have done it without her! The other one introduced me to a friend of hers that had been through the same type of situation...and has been my rock.

So--it is not how long you know someone, but the quality of the people. There are some incredible people out there!! And I am so blessed to have met so many!
May 11, 3:36 pm
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 5