Originally posted by
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married
When you find yourself suddenly single, the dynamics of your friendships also seem to change. I have noticed in the last couple months that the friends I have/had when I was married are not the same friends I have ended up with now. My married friends seem to have become a lot more distant or disappeared altogether. I have a few theories on this particular happening, but thought it would be insightful to hear from others on their thoughts of this common disappearing act....
--Are you married/in a long term relationship/single and how have or would you react to a friend becoming suddenly single?
--Your thoughts and opinions?
OK, I'll be the meanie who will go "there" and add to the excellent points by Edeneve and Bignuf.....Sometimes one or both partners do not want to be around a single woman they think will somehow be on the prowl for their partner. I am NOT saying I think this is how you are, nor how I think! But I have heard enough people mention that fear, as sexist and insulting as it is, so I am going to say it's a possibility to add to the list.
I think many people project their own standards of behavior onto others and therefore they fear you doing, or a spouse doing what they would in a similar situation, especially if it involves a temptation. So, for example, the woman who is suspicious you would go after her man, or that he'd go after you, or be receptive to you, is going to do anything she can to distance them from you.
Sure, it's not easy to tell who is distant for that reason, and I'm not saying you have shallow friends like that (or at least know they think like that, most know not to announce it for fear of sounding paranoid), but these are not the type of people I personally could relate to as that mindset is so foreign to me.
Another reason a couple may drift off is because you just are "too much to deal with right now" and I mean this because they are not really your friends, just "fair weather friends". I know, I am the Debby Downer today, sorry. It's just that the others already mentioned the "better" explanations.
Yes, perhaps it was your spouse one or both were more friends with and without him, they have lost interest, or anything I already mentioned, but those are all the types of "friends" you don't need in the first place. I do agree with Bignuf though in that it's certainly worth talking about it with some of them! I'm sorry this has happened and I know you have experience with it from having cancer before all this happened. It's just something really unnecessarily thoughtless &/or cruel that people do. Instead of focusing on what their friend needs during this crisis, they opt out. (I'll just add that If someone I was friends with thought I would ever be a risk to their relationship, then they obviously do not know me at all, so good riddance.)
Some people just think you'll no longer have the same interests that they do and yes, it's selfish to only want to be friends when it's convenient for them. I tend to think of these times as weeding out the people who are not the type of friends I need. I hope their reasons for not being around are not any I've mentioned and simply are just awkwardness in knowing how to talk to you, or something. Some couples only want or feel comfortable with other couples and I don't know why that makes a difference except for what I already said, or they won't be able to relate - but that's speculation and it seems a silly thing to "dump" someone over. But people can be incredibly petty, selfish and awkward about death and suffering in general. They have the head in the sand mentality, I guess. But I think it's worth checking that they aren't just unsure if you
want to still be friends with them
or some other reason that's holding them back for fear of misstepping with you. You will have a better idea where people fall after calling them and giving them a chance to reconnect with you as Bignuf said.