Ending A Friendship?

lexical lexical
At what point do you finally throw in the towel and give up on a person? I'm struggling with this decision with a few people in my life. I have an especially hard time with deliberately letting people go because one of my best friends was killed in a car accident three years ago. She was forcibly taken from me and I still miss her every day, so I struggle with allowing myself to give up on people, especially close friends...

One is a girl who has been my best friend my entire life. We grew up across the street from one another and have known each other since we were infants in strollers. Last year, she got married to a guy she barely knew. I tried to be supportive, but I couldn't lie to her about how I felt about her rushing into a marriage with someone she barely knew, for all the wrong reasons. (She really wanted to have a baby. Now they're having trouble conceiving.) We've hashed the whole thing out a few times, but I still never hear back from her when I reach out to stay in touch. We live in different states now, so I try to contact her often and keep our friendship alive. She never reciprocates.

The second is a recent problem. She was my first and only close friend in a new city. A couple months ago, we had a falling out because of something that was completely trivial and out of my hands. (She watched my dogs for a weekend while I was away and one of them got sick when he was with her, supposedly ruining her rug, which I could not afford to replace. I apologized, of course, a million times, offered to help clean up, etc. Nothing. She dismissed me. She's ignored my occasional reaching out for the last two months and the other night she unfriended me on Facebook! What in the hell? I could have sworn I graduated high school...I seem to recall a long, boring ceremony with an uncomfortable, ugly-ass cap and gown...This level of immaturity, passive-aggressiveness , and drama is not something I want in my life, but I miss all of the great times we've had together!

And, unfortunately...I have no one else. Compounding the issue is the fact that when I moved to Philadelphia, I didn't know a soul here. It's a year later and I have no real friendships. I have tons of acquaintances and neighbors and classmates, but...no close friends. Mostly I'm horribly lonely and missing the few close friends I have left that live out of state. I am very outgoing and personable. Where the hell am I supposed to meet people and how am I supposed to make friendships that will last? The people that I thought were my good friends have been turning out to not care about me very much at all. I am feeling very lost and lonely and frustrated...

Thanks for listening, EF family.
05/26/2012
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Ansley Ansley
On the second one? Let it go. There's no need to run into that brick wall time and again. If she tries to reach out to you, accept it and decide what to do then.

For the first? I'm going out on a limb here, but she might be too ashamed to talk to you or have nothing but bad news and she fears the "I told you so" speech. There's nothing you can do about this but sit and wait and keep trying to reach out if you have the strength to do so. I would write more but I'm totally in a rush out the door right this moment, but I'll come back to this tomorrow. *much love and hugs*
05/26/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by lexical
At what point do you finally throw in the towel and give up on a person? I'm struggling with this decision with a few people in my life. I have an especially hard time with deliberately letting people go because one of my best friends was ... More
oh ladyheart. bless your heart! i've found this type of flakiness in certain areas, particularly in america in general, where independence is revered as a higher value than family, friends and neighborly support. it's unfortunate but good, true friends who will stick by your side, no matter what, are getting harder and harder to find.


at times like this i try to see the alone time as a blessing, and take advantage of it as much as possible. drown myself in myself. it happened when i lived on an island in sicily for five months, and became basically isolated due to language barriers and cultural barriers alike. it was a time that i deeply introverted, faced alot of fears, produced alot of art, and came out all the stronger for it.


my hopes for you are that you can take this time to do things for yourself, for you must first and foremost be your own best friend, you alone can make you happiest. the most deeply content. and when you are content, all else kind of falls into place. of course there will always be rough times, but they will be made easier when you know how strong you can be.

i'm so sorry that these friendships have not worked out. i say get yourself a sweet kitty cat, wrap yourself in yourself. read, paint, create, and grow. take a couple short trips for yourself. go hiking alone. join a yoga class. you will find that good, true friends will pop up when you are smiling and content in yourself. you will find that those who are content inside will gravitate towards you when you are shining.


i hope this helps.

hugs.

alice.
05/26/2012
Ryuson Ryuson
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having troubles like these. I know how hard it can be to not feel like you know anyone, especially if you're naturally a very social person.

My best suggestion is to try and join a club. Clubs are full of people that share an interest with you, willing to invest spare time in things they care about, and who are looking to meet new people.

I agree that you should forget about the second person in your post. If they get this fussy about a rug, I wouldn't want to see what happens if things REALLY get rough. You don't need that extra negativity in your life.

I would keep trying to reach out to the first person. It sounds like they're having a hard time right now and they might just want a bit of space. Just make sure that they know you're there for them if they need anything.

Best of luck!
05/26/2012
js250 js250
The first one--put YOUR feelings aside and be a good friend to her. She might or might not need one in the future. You will never talk another person out of loving, hating or hormonal rushes. Apologize for being so judgmental and tell her that you still value her as a person and a friend. Then try, try, try to look the other way when you disagree about her husband.

The second one-- you do not need "friends" like that!! How childish! To find new friends, put yourself out there a bit. Join a club/group or take a class on something you like. Start talking to coworkers or other people who are in your life, but not personally yet. Make an invite for coffee, drinks, etc. Good luck, we are always here to vent to and get advice from!!
05/26/2012
lexical lexical
Thanks, you guys. I'm sitting here crying from reading your posts. You are all full of great advice.

I am trying really hard to be tough through this whole thing, but I feel very strange not having much social interaction. I also feel like I'm missing out on so many of the wonderful things this city has to offer, because I'm alone. I do things on my own fairly often (like taking walks, exploring, trying new restaurants, even visiting museums), but I wish I was making memories with friends, instead of by myself, yaknow?

Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate knowing that you all are here, even if you're not physically HERE.

Come to think of it, I wonder how many contributors are in the Philadelphia area...Maybe we need to have a meet-up.
05/26/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by lexical
Thanks, you guys. I'm sitting here crying from reading your posts. You are all full of great advice.

I am trying really hard to be tough through this whole thing, but I feel very strange not having much social interaction. I also feel ... More
you know what's a great place to meet people? couchsurfing.com

if you're a part of that community, each city has monthly meetings full of folks who like to travel, open up their homes to other travelers, and just meet new people, have new experiences, etc.


check it out! there are plenty of ways to make friends, in any city. i'm sure opportunities are out there just waiting for you.
05/26/2012
Antipova Antipova
Grad school---why do we do that to ourselves? Lots of hugs, lady!
05/26/2012
Kindred Kindred
The funny thing about friendships is it's not about the other person, it's about you and what value you place on the friendship. It's like when you give a gift, you shouldn't expect anything back. Likewise with friendships, you are offering your friendship, whether or not the other person reciprocates is not up to you.

So to me the question is how much do these friendships mean to you? In your first case, I think we all have similar friends. One's we grew up with but over time grew distant because of geography or family. I long ago resolved that it didn't matter to me how much these friends did or did not remain in contact. I believe in my heart that we are still friends but understand that it's harder to maintain as close of a relationship. We both have families and careers, making it even harder. So for me, it wouldn't matter. Our friendship, whatever it may be, is still important to me and I believe that it means as much to them. We just have different ways of expressing it an I'm okay with that.

In your second example, I still think it depends on how much the friendship means to you. If it's important, you let it go an try to understand why she might be acting like she is. Is it immature? Yes, but again friends don't judge. Tell her how you feel. Let her know that your friendship is still important to you (if it still is), and then let her make the next move.

I don't have any advice about how to meet new people, but is it possible that you used these two friendships as a crutch rather than trying to develop other relationships? Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to try and meet new people.

You're welcome to drive the 2 hours down to DC and hang out with my family. I warn you though, we are boring. Very, very boring.
05/26/2012
wrmbreze wrmbreze
I am very sorry that you're are going through this. I live about 4 hours away from my family and basically the only "friends" I have, I haven't seen since I got out of school. I so wish I had someone who had similar interests to me. All I can say is enjoy your family and your "me" time. It will make you stronger in the long run.
05/26/2012
Claire-Bear Claire-Bear
If someone would treat you (a human being) that way over a rug (inanimate object), what will happen when you really need them? I think you know the answer already.

Maybe you should try going to meetup groups that coincide with your interests. It's a great way to meet new people.

Good luck!
05/26/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
also, there's fetlife.com

you can find a kink community in your area, most have monthly meetings, or jsut meet someone for coffee and strike up a friendship.


i met my current girlfriend through it, the only person i've ever met in real life from the internet.. and she's pretty damn awesome.

hope this helps!


if you want, you can add me as your first friend on fetlife, if you get an account.

i'm

aliceinthehole

on there too.

there are also lots of us Edenites there, you may see some familiar faces!
05/26/2012
Zombirella Zombirella
I have trouble letting people go too. I finally put my foot down with one girl from high school and decided on my own to delete her number, unfriend her on facebook and have nothing to do with her anymore. I don't even feel the need to let her know, she will figure it out on her own if she even was able to pull her head out of her ass long enough to see it. We were good friends in school then stuff happened with me and an abusive relationship and me avoiding friends because he made me and I lost many. We broke up and I was able to repair all relationships but with her. She invites my other friends to things and leaves me out yet she talked to my on facebook like we were BFF and she would talk to me when she would come into where I used to work at and when I'd be at a party or something of another friends and she would be there she would talk to me. The last straw was Halloween last year. I told her to text me if she went out because my fiance and I didn't have plans yet and my other friends either were going somewhere I didn't want to go (someone's house) or had to work and weren't doing anything. The next day she posted pics being out at a bar on facebook and didn't try to text me. I'm tired of it.

Another I met after splitting from my 4yr relationship at a bar when I was with my other friends. I thought she was someone else and started a conversation with her and we hit it off. I started hanging out with her and her friends often. I'm no longer friends with her but I gained a couple good friends from that situation. I got sick of her spending her child support check at the bar then having the nerve to ask me to buy her a drink! I was usually the DD so I had one or no drinks. Our other friends that have kids wouldn't go out every weekend or Wed and Thurs like she would. I got tired of her being drunk as hell and having to take care of her. The final straw was her passing out in a bathroom with her head by a toilet and I had to get the bar owner to get her because I couldn't pick her butt up and she wouldn't get up! I also got sick of her telling me "don't let me go home with someone" then at the end of the night she'd be inviting someone over and I'd tell her no and she wouldn't listen to me. That's trash to take them home in front of your sons. I also didn't like that her sons didn't know me well yet here the innocent kids are reaching their arms up to a stranger (me) to carry them to my car then into their apartment at 3am.

My bestfriend and I had a bad fight last year. I got my feelings hurt and she said some mean things. I chose to be done. I didn't talk to her for I think 3 months. She has a daughter that I love to death. I love my friend too. I couldn't take it any longer. I don't care to get into the whole argument because it's SO long. But I sat down and thought about it all and I decided to accept how things are, people are who they are. I missed her and missed that child so bad I'd cry at night. I randomly texted her while in class one day in Feb. (we stopped talking toward Thanksgiving) and I just said hi and she replied. I told her I missed her and the baby and she said the same and we went from there. I think that break really helped us both. I just feel something different between us and I mean that in a good way. I was very depressed during those months and the day I sent that text it was like a major weight off my shoulders and I was so much happier. I'm glad to have her back. She is more supportive than she was before and that was the issue that caused the problem. I also get to be in this beautiful little girl's life and watch her grow up and be her Godmother. Since I don't have a child of my own it's been so special to me to so far hold this little baby then 2 years later I'm hearing her voice (I couldn't wait for her to talk, she started at 1yrs old)and having a conversation with her! That was one friendship I'm glad we took the break and have matured over the years and we are still friends. I really think there will be no more problems like this for us.

So some people are toxic and just need to go. You expect certain things from certain friends and if they aren't giving what they are getting then you just end up feeling used and need to rid yourself of them. It hurts but you gotta sit and think which hurts more, getting your feelings hurt constantly or letting them go? You can only do so much for someone and reach out so much. Maybe the one girl that off and married will come around one day, if she does you can decide what to do. But if I were you I'd just leave her alone.

As for the rug deal, that is SO stupid. That girl needs to get it together.

Some people are more of a hassle then they are worth.
05/26/2012
Peaches2000 Peaches2000
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
On the second one? Let it go. There's no need to run into that brick wall time and again. If she tries to reach out to you, accept it and decide what to do then.

For the first? I'm going out on a limb here, but she might be too ashamed ... More
I agree with Stormy on this one! The first one is not worth it. The second, you have a lot invested there. Give her some time and you may be surprised how the story ends...
05/26/2012
Total posts: 14
Unique posters: 11