Having family issues, please advise...

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Having family issues, please advise...

T&A1987 T&A1987
Kind of a complicated family issue here and if anyone an advise, I'd appreciate it. First some background, I've been dating my gf for 4 years, but I was apprehensive about telling my family. We never talked about dating, sex or anything and I didn't start dating until I went to college. My mom discovered we were dating 1 1/2 years in, but I asked her not to tell my grandmother until I was ready. I just told her 2 weeks ago and she hasn't handled it well. She thought I was settling down too soon (we're not engaged and certainly not pregnant) I was "too smart to throw my life away" and when we went to see a movie after she said "it would be the last one we'd see together." Since then, she's stopped talking to my mom because she thinks my mom was hiding this from her and my mom is angry and passive aggressive towards me. my GF feels upset because she thinks she's a symbol of the problem. I haven't contacted my grandparents yet, but worry they wouldn't contact me back. She's justifiably upset that I didn't tell her sooner, but I always got the feeling something like this would happen. My grandmother can be jealous, especially when any of her kids/grandkids date and since we never addressed dating before, it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have until necessary. She made it sound like even dating was wrong, as though I was being taken away from her and the family. It just feels like such a no win situation, as though I have to choose between my gf and family, as though if I started dating between they died it would be a betrayal. This doesn't seem like a reasonable situation, I understand she's hurt for not being told sooner, but she probably would have reacted similarly regardless of when I told her and even if she hadn't this seems a bit much, just for waiting to tell her about having a gf.

Well, any thought?
06/23/2012
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Um, you're how old?

The situation is not healthy. You're making healthy choices by Living Your Own Life and Being an Adult (unlike the older people in your family). Those apron strings are extending through generations - I'm surprised you were allowed to be conceived to begin with if she's like that.

At least you're not getting every female you run across pregnant. Most everyone I know would be happy to have you for a son/grandson because you're responsible. It's not like you got a girl preggers at 16, eloped, and all that - that would be something to be concerned about.

I wonder what she's trying to project on you about her own life and experiences?

You're not the one doing anything wrong. She's the one who's behaving badly.
06/24/2012
Taylor Taylor
Yeah unfortunately we don't have any control over how others act or react. You definitely aren't doing anything wrong by dating and if she can't accept that, then that is her issue. Obviously you are going to be dating sometime and you shouldn't have to be on eggshells about it just to make your grandmother happy.

It might be a good idea to wait and let things settle down before talking about it again, but if they are still being unreasonable you might have to make some decisions about whether you are willing to miss out on important relationships in order to make your family more comfortable.

Just realize that it's not anything you are doing wrong that is making her upset, she clearly has her own insecurities and issues that she doesn't want to face.
06/24/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
You're an adult. Adults have sex and love lives.

Just what the hell does your grandmother have to say about who you date or when you date? I've NEVER heard of such a thing, EVER!

My grandmother was introduced to my boyfriends when and IF I wanted her to be. I loved my grandmother, but she had ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in IF I dated or WHOM I dated. She NEVER attempted to control my dating life. She was a smart enough woman to know it wasn't her business.

You can't control other people. Neither can they control you.

If your grandmother wants to cut people like your mother out of her life, in an attempt to control them, let her. She can be alone.

I hate this "family first" bullshit. Especially when someone who has no legal or emotional right to a say in your life thinks she does.

Ignore it and live your life as an adult. Adults don't "ask permission" to do adult things from people two or even one generation older than they are. Adults just DO what they think is important for their own lives.
06/24/2012
teachmetouchme teachmetouchme
I'm with everyone on this issue. As P-Gell said, adults do adult things. Maybe it's time to suck it up and grow up. How old are you? I know a man in his mid 60s who lets his adult children control him (and he has told them how unhappy he is and wants to move but they like having that guilt thing when they need money or someone to take care of their obnoxious mother).

Get on with your life. Sometimes the best families are the one we make along the way.
06/24/2012
T&A1987 T&A1987
thanks for the suggestions, but until I'm able to find a ob I'm not able to get away from the eggshells. For those wondering, I'm 24 and my GF is 25.
06/24/2012
js250 js250
Wow!! I am so sorry you have this issue with your GF and your mon, and then to even think about you going through this--much less actually going through this undamaged .

Write your GF a friendly and factual letter that explains the delay in telling her about your feelings and why you feel the way you do. Make sure she knows you still love her, will spend time with her and will continue to work WITH her to improve your relationship.

Were/are you two very close-you and your GF? What happened in her past that made her so mistrustful and insecure? Is she possibly upset from being excluded--maybe she has been in your situation previously. What is her relationship like with other members of your family.

I wish you the best and will be thinking positive thoughts for your happiness.
06/24/2012
Talena Talena
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
thanks for the suggestions, but until I'm able to find a ob I'm not able to get away from the eggshells. For those wondering, I'm 24 and my GF is 25.
Get that JOB ASAP, and stop with the eggshells before it ruins your love life
06/24/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
I understand why your GF is feeling bad... She probably feels like a shameful secret. You may want to make sure and reassure her a lot in the coming months about how you feel about her.
06/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
Kind of a complicated family issue here and if anyone an advise, I'd appreciate it. First some background, I've been dating my gf for 4 years, but I was apprehensive about telling my family. We never talked about dating, sex or anything and ...
Holy cow, love. This problem belongs squarely to your Grandmother! You are in college and free to have girlfriends, boyfriends and even a few undefined others! Don't own this abusive behavior and certainly don't pass it on to your Girlfriend.
Let your Grandmother believe and feel as she likes but you are not obligated to comply with her hair brained ideas. Don't buy into the aggression between your Mother and Her Mother...that problem is between them. You are the child not the peacemaker. Thing is you are NOT a child and no one has the right to dictate who you date once you leave High School and enter the "real world".

You may inevitably have to choose, but sweetheart this isn't because you are a bad person or don't love your family. In this case choosing your girlfriend many, in fact, be choosing to sever the apron strings so you can achieve some perspective and wait for your family to grow and get healthy.

Again, your Grandmother's issues with her daughter are NOT your problem, nor will you be thanked, or praised, for attempting to work it out for them. Step out of the middle and enjoy your new life...for goodness sake you're in college! let the adults at home take care of themselves, and you do the same!
06/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
You're an adult. Adults have sex and love lives.

Just what the hell does your grandmother have to say about who you date or when you date? I've NEVER heard of such a thing, EVER!

My grandmother was introduced to my boyfriends ...
I had to learn this important lesson and I learned it right here on EF! Family and blood ties give NO ONE the right to walk all over your life pronouncing what is right and proper for you. As an adult that's YOUR responsibility. Sometimes tough love is just walking away, grieving what might have been, and then living the best life you can create. Sometimes, this helps your loved ones to learn and grow, by example. Detach with love but for goodness sake (and your own) detach.
06/24/2012
HarlequinBunnie HarlequinBunnie
Quote:
Originally posted by T&A1987
Kind of a complicated family issue here and if anyone an advise, I'd appreciate it. First some background, I've been dating my gf for 4 years, but I was apprehensive about telling my family. We never talked about dating, sex or anything and ...
I had a similar situation when I was 18. I was so unhappy with where I was living I decided to move. My grandfather was so upset about it he disowned me. I wasn't allowed to call or write him or my grandmother. I was so upset I went to talk to my mother about it. She was aware of what was going on and called my grandmother. The two of them made arrangements so I could call and talk to my grandmother. Come to find out he was so upset because when my father died he had promised himself he would protect me and keep me from harms way. By me moving away I had made my grandfather break his promise and it broke his heart.

Your issue is a touchy one. I'm sure you love your grandmother, mother, and girlfriend however everyone is right. You have to live your life for you not someone else. You will more than likely out live your mother and grandmother and if you break up with your girlfriend (who I'm sure loves you) in time you end up alone. If your family members are treating you this way now and you walk away from the girlfriend, do you really think it will get any better with the next relationship? You know what you need to be happy no one else. Hopefully in time your family will come around when they see you are happy and uncontrolled by them. If not, well there is nothing you can do about them.

Good luck to you and Best Wishes. Remember Love Can Mend A Broken Heart.
06/24/2012
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 10