Handling Very Sensitive Topics...

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Handling Very Sensitive Topics...

js250 js250
When you are asked very personal and prying comments or gawkers, how do you respond?

My husband was shot and killed a week and a half ago. I am now fielding questions and comments about the incident from many strangers and acquaintances...some are VERY inappropriate and personal, others downright nosy and uncalled for. So far I have just refused to answer or return the calls to my business. THEN on top of that, I am getting harrassing calls from his mother (who broke into my home and took the gifts she has purchased for my husband over the years--without permission. There is a long history behind her of many family feuds and issues.)

I am looking for advice on how to deal with the inappropriate comments--not the ones based out of concern.
Mar 19, 1:40 am
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wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you are asked very personal and prying comments or gawkers, how do you respond?

My husband was shot and killed a week and a half ago. I am now fielding questions and comments about the incident from many strangers and acquaintances...some ...
As hard as it probably would be, but I think the best thing to do would to be to answer as politely, yet pointedly as possible. Just stating that you do not appreciate those questions and comments or that you are simply not comfortable with them.

Though, I know some of them probably make you want to smack someone. I can only imagine the maddening things that are probably coming out of some people's mouths. They probably don't intend for the things to come out they way they do, but they do. However, I'm sure some people do mean them to come out like that.

The best thing to do is probably to take a breath and try to polite avoid or ignore.
Mar 19, 1:54 am
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you are asked very personal and prying comments or gawkers, how do you respond?

My husband was shot and killed a week and a half ago. I am now fielding questions and comments about the incident from many strangers and acquaintances...some ...
Some people just have no sense or respect for boundaries.

I think the best way to shut them down and extricate yourself is any of the following conversation killers:

You can start or end with, "I'm sure you understand..." and then add the rest:
-- "You know, I just can't talk about it."
-- "It's too upsetting for me to talk about"
-- "I just can't go there right now, it's to painful and I am just trying to hold it together"

and of course you can tack on these:

-- "But thanks for your concern" (with you tongue firmly planted in your cheek!)
-- "I don't know that I will ever be comfortable talking about any of this"

and if you are feeling generous, you can say something along the lines of:

-- "All I can say (or are prepared to, or feel like saying), is that he was a wonderful man, our marriage was sound (say whatever you like, you get my drift, it's time to list what you want to say)...(then you add) and rehashing (morbid?) details isn't something I want to do. Or you can say "... it doesn't do his memory any justice" (something like that) Then you can add the examples above to make it final

You want to remove wiggle room and saying you are the reason you can't talk about it, is something that takes some of the possible sting out of it and leaves it in your hands as to whether or not you will ever talk about it.

What they should be asking is if there is anything they can do for you. Ask if there's anything you want to talk about and offer to lend their support. If they don't do any of that sort of thing, then they just want info for their own curiosity and are not worth you getting upset having to rehash details for them. I think making it about how upsetting it is to you points out how they should be remembering how you are grieving and yet, it does so in a nice way where they don't feel attacked (although you would be justified in laying into them, too).

If someone persists in any topic or questions that bothers you, you should feel free to shut them down. A hand to your chest or forehead/eyes while grimacing and shaking your head should help and you can add any of the above comments, or simply do it while saying, "I just can't..." and then take a deep, shuddering breath and let it out. Anyone insensitive enough to continue after all those signals to back off is a boob and deserves for you to get a little harsher with them!

I think that all should do it and then anything else they say, just act like a politician and say the same stuff over and over "It's too upsetting to get into and you'd rather focus on what a wonderful husband he was, etc."

Maybe you can let us know how you do and if anything worked well, or if someone was a real jerk and what you did? This is helpful info to know because it can come in handy about any uncomfortable private issue people decide to quiz someone about. However, of course you don't need to bother about posting on here, but if you do feel like it, it could benefit others.
Mar 19, 6:23 am
BlackOrchid BlackOrchid
WW had some great ideas, and I'd try some of those. Honestly I'm so bad with words sometimes that if someone says something that offends me or it's something I don't want to discuss, I give them a major evil eye and change the subject.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. People are really insensitive sometimes, and unfortunately busy- bodies and the like LOVE drama and gossip.
Mar 19, 9:28 am
SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
I like WW suggestions. In the past when I dealt with prying questions I just politely informed the person that I didn't feel comfortable discussing the matter with them. Usually that was enough to stop the questions.
Mar 20, 11:12 am
js250 js250
Thanks for the advice! I will try these ideas. I am just not thinking quite straight yet--so all your help is greatly appreciated!
Mar 20, 1:26 pm
PadoruLover PadoruLover
I'm so sorry about your husband.
Mar 20, 6:47 pm
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Thanks for the advice! I will try these ideas. I am just not thinking quite straight yet--so all your help is greatly appreciated!
It'll be a while before you can think straight, I'm sure, but we are all rooting for you and love you, honey.
Mar 20, 7:04 pm
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
It'll be a while before you can think straight, I'm sure, but we are all rooting for you and love you, honey.
^^^What she said!
Mar 20, 7:18 pm
SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Thanks for the advice! I will try these ideas. I am just not thinking quite straight yet--so all your help is greatly appreciated!
Don't forget to have "me" time. It may feel selfish, but it very important to set aside a little time and just focus on yourself. That time shouldn't be used as an escape though. Your mind/heart/soul is trying to cope, and let them do just that on their terms.

There is magic amount of time that a person recovers from such a loss as you have endured. I wish you the best and hope that you pull through this. The loss of a close loved one is never easy.
Mar 20, 10:55 pm
edeneve edeneve
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
When you are asked very personal and prying comments or gawkers, how do you respond?

My husband was shot and killed a week and a half ago. I am now fielding questions and comments about the incident from many strangers and acquaintances...some ...
I'd say, 'this is none of your concern' before I tell them to 'shut the F up' or some other form of that. if it's none of their business, I see nothing wrong in telling them that in a civil tone as long as their tone warrants that level of politeness. we don't have to treat those who disrespect us w/ respect. they need to earn our respect, first. that doesn't necessarily mean we can or should be disrespectful. it's actually a mindset that takes care of ourselves w/o harming others. my guess is that you want to remain polite or this post wouldn't be here. so keep it cool yet civil w/ whatever you say & immediately remove yourself from their presence or hang up the phone. this way you are preserving your dignity as well as your emotional privacy.

as far as his mother, contact me. I'll tell you what I think about that.



Mar 21, 6:14 pm
edeneve edeneve
Quote:
Originally posted by SaucyxGirl
Don't forget to have "me" time. It may feel selfish, but it very important to set aside a little time and just focus on yourself. That time shouldn't be used as an escape though. Your mind/heart/soul is trying to cope, and let them ...
I wouldn't say there's a magic amount of time that a person recovers. from personal experience, I think it's about each individual's emotional & mental processing while moving through the grief process. AND, a big one for me is that we don't "get over it" - used to make me so angry to hear that. it's not a matter of "getting over it", or that "it gets easier w/ time" - it's about the reality that it changes. just that. that it changes. how it changes is all subjective.
Mar 21, 6:23 pm
SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by edeneve
I wouldn't say there's a magic amount of time that a person recovers. from personal experience, I think it's about each individual's emotional & mental processing while moving through the grief process. AND, a big one for me is ...
I actually meant to say there "wasn't" a magic amount of time...oops I really hate when my brain runs faster than the fingers on the keys. More so when what I meant to type took on a whole different meaning there.
Mar 21, 11:45 pm
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by SaucyxGirl
I actually meant to say there "wasn't" a magic amount of time...oops I really hate when my brain runs faster than the fingers on the keys. More so when what I meant to type took on a whole different meaning there.
Hugs....I figured out what you meant after reading it a couple of times. Thanks for the input. I am now in my numb feeling. Too weird, I have also run out of words for my poems and songs. I just really appreciate all the advice and help!!
Mar 22, 2:02 am
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by edeneve
I'd say, 'this is none of your concern' before I tell them to 'shut the F up' or some other form of that. if it's none of their business, I see nothing wrong in telling them that in a civil tone as long as their tone warrants ...
Thank you for all your help and friendship. I am going to finally break tonight and let the bitch out in me....wait until you read what she did that I did not realize! Whoa!!!
Mar 22, 2:03 am
edeneve edeneve
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Thank you for all your help and friendship. I am going to finally break tonight and let the bitch out in me....wait until you read what she did that I did not realize! Whoa!!!
this sounds like a dangerous person to have in your life. I'm saddened for you - with the whole ordeal. hugs hugs
Mar 22, 2:11 pm
ScorpioCurves ScorpioCurves
Wow, what a horrible time to be receiving drama. Not much I can say thats already been said here. Just don't feel bad for turning someone down from a conversation after you tell them that you don't feel comfortable telling them certain information. Some people are rude (or just completely lack emotional intelligence) and you don't need to be dealing with their disrespectful behavior. And hopefully the situation that you described with your husband's mother is sorted out soon. She seems like a really vile person for taking advantage of you during the tragedy in your life.
Mar 22, 9:46 pm
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 8