Horrible Roommate

Sweet-Justice Sweet-Justice
...Ok so I was wondering if my good friends at Eden would like to give me some advice.

My fiance and I(Both pan-Sexual Women) have a roommate, let's call her "Rina".
Rina...is a slob. She doesn't understand the meaning of personal space. And even though she's almost 24 years old she acts like a 14 year old.
I work and I do chores at home. As does my fiance. Our roommate Rina leaves raw meat on the counter tops doesn't help with even the simplest of chores such as getting the mail and leaves her dirty clothes(Underwear included) all over the floor. She has been known not to flush the toilet she uses our bath towels when she can't find her own, and she leaves her sex toys laying about on the floor...used.
I have tried telling her, asking her, forcing her to help around the house. I tell her not to leave food out including chocolate because we have cats.
I've even gone so far as to completely clean her room for her top to bottom and supplied her with organization tools too keep it clean and don't even get so much as a thank you until my fiance say's "You know Rina in cases like these one usually says thank you".
And to top it all off I'm a passive person. I like to take care of people. And when Rina doesn't take care of her own health I do it for her by cooking healthy meals(Which she has actually thrown away before barely touched)doing her laundry and trying to get her to exercise with me, generally being a mother like figure to her...and not only do I have nothing to show for it but she has a bit of a crush on me...on me an engaged person who she is friends with both.

Someone please...anyone give me some advice, I just need some stress relief from all this.

Much Love,
maryjane
11/11/2010
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SexyTabby SexyTabby
I learned pretty early I could never live with another woman for a few reasons this being one of them. I'm not the neatest person alive but I won't tolerate someone kicked back slobbing while I have to clean up. I hate cleaning and no ain't letting no one mess up. The things she's doing to you are beyond rude and just out right nasty. I wouldn't have the patience or tolerance - they'd be shown the door. The health risks alone would be too much for me to deal with let alone the ickyness.
11/11/2010
OroNomi OroNomi
Sounds like she's on her way to becoming your enemy instead of a friend. If you want to have a long, sit down talk and giver her one last chance to clean up her act that is your call, of course.
If you want to keep a relationship with this person and save your sanity, perhaps it's time to put out an ad for a new roomie and giver her notice. It sounds as if you have done as much as you possibly can and have been very fair. The simplest path is a straight one, so letting her go may be in your best interest.
11/11/2010
ToyGeek ToyGeek
Get a large rubbermaid tote, set it just inside her bedroom door, and whatever you find of hers, toss it in, as is. If she asks where her stuff is, point. If the tub gets full and she's capable of ignoring a a tub of rotting raw meat and dirty underwear in her bedroom, well maybe she has some sort of mental health issues that need addressing, and getting booted out will be the rock bottom moment she needs to make herself get help.

Sorry you're dealing with this behavior.
11/11/2010
Jobthingy Jobthingy
This is why I could never have a roommate. Sit down with her and give her an ultimatum. Maybe that will help? if she doesnt start cleaning up after herself and helping around the house you will be forced to give her the boot and find someone else to take her place.
11/11/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I would not tolerate that. I am not the neatest person in the world, but I want my house clean at least 50 percent of the week. I have 2 children under 5 and I wont tolerate that from either of them.

If I were dealing with an adult, my solution would be simple. "You either start cleaning up after yourself, or you don't make a mess. Myself and my fiance have given you ample opportunity to do this. We have treated you with nothing but respect and kindness, neither of which you have reciprocated. You have 1 month to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled 5 yr old. If you have not made a marked improvement in both your respect for us and our household then you will have another month to look for a new place to live.

There is no way we can possibly live like this and maintain any sort of relationship and friendship with you, because it is obvious that you have no respect for yourself or anybody else."

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, I have been in a similar situation. I left. I think you may need to question your friendship with this girl though. She obviously has no respect for you. People who have respect for each other, pay attention to what people ask of them, and even if they don't agree, they at least make an effort to be fair. If your friend can't even be bothered to say thank you they aren't being a friend at all, let alone a good friend.
11/11/2010
kinky girlfriend kinky girlfriend
Quote:
Originally posted by Sweet-Justice
...Ok so I was wondering if my good friends at Eden would like to give me some advice.

My fiance and I(Both pan-Sexual Women) have a roommate, let's call her "Rina".
Rina...is a slob. She doesn't understand the meaning of ... More
This actually reminds me of someone who lives here who but has been practically living with her boyfriend 10 years older who has nasty rotten teeth,doesnt' shower much and has 2 kids. she won't eat healthy,only junk food especially frozen hot pockets and things like that. ANything healthy she turns her nose at and says EWWW. There are a couple exceptions she will eat BLTS and something my mom makes forgot what it was other than that she won't even get off her ass to cook for herself. she gained so much weight she has nasty ugly stretch marks on her whole body belly,back of legs,boobs..she has lost some weight because of some medication she's on other than that she is a nasty dirty slob and a uncaring selfish bitch. THe only stuff in life s he shows she even cares about is her labtop and her boyfriend...which has me wondering how long will they last? she seems to go through guys alot like they are F buddies. No wonder she is a really dirty nasty person I wish would change someday/
11/11/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Jobthingy
This is why I could never have a roommate. Sit down with her and give her an ultimatum. Maybe that will help? if she doesnt start cleaning up after herself and helping around the house you will be forced to give her the boot and find someone else to ... More
I agree with the ultimatum!

I'm sorry you are tolerating this, I would have such a hard time, my boyfriend is even less tolerant than I am when in comes to messes. Sounds like she had parents who did everything for her or didnt teach her to be responsible, it sucks..she's an adult but can't function like one...good luck. Hope things don't go hay wire :S
11/11/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Is there any reason why you are obligated to keep living with her?

Are you on a lease together? Is this your home? Hers?

If it's your home, or you're on the lease and she's not, I'd give her one last warning and then I'd give her notice that she's gotta go.

Otherwise, I'd start looking for a new place to live.


I've learned that if people have no inclination to change themselves, you can't say anything to make them want to.

You can lead a horse to water, and all that...
11/11/2010
leela leela
I think DeliciousSurprise is right, the only solution is to not live with her any more. I've had roommates with bad behavior, and you just can't change it. Oh sure, maybe you could hover over her every second and remind her to pick up after herself, but that's not something you want to be doing on a regular basis, I'm sure. If she's not much of a good friend, and she's being this much of a crappy roommate, I think a different living arrangement is in order as soon as you can. Yeah, it might be an awkward conversation to have with her, but think of how relieved you'll feel when you're not living with her.
11/11/2010
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
You need to speak up. Stop being passive. Don't be passive aggressive. Until you sit her down and have the talk with her and explain how you feel and why it's not fair and that she will have to move out if she cannot contribute, then YOU are also acting like a child.
11/11/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by kinky girlfriend
This actually reminds me of someone who lives here who but has been practically living with her boyfriend 10 years older who has nasty rotten teeth,doesnt' shower much and has 2 kids. she won't eat healthy,only junk food especially frozen ... More
Wow, that is a whole lot of really mean shit to say about somebody. She doesn't sound like a nice person but based on what you just wrote neither do you.
11/11/2010
Danielle915 Danielle915
You are a better woman than me because only two words would explain what I would do..GET OUT!
11/12/2010
Envy Envy
This is one major reason why, if I ever move out, i don't want a roommate. I clean the house myself and do everything for my dad, I also clean rooms at a motel, and it's such a habit now I can't even stand to look at a mess.

My other issue is my paranoia of the person stealing my things, but that's a whole other story.

Tell her to clean up her act or get out. The raw meat thing and leaving out used toys that are not clean.... EW!
11/12/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
Wow, that is a whole lot of really mean shit to say about somebody. She doesn't sound like a nice person but based on what you just wrote neither do you.
I have to agree with you, those are some pretty horrible things to say about someone and really a lot of them have nothing to do with them being a bad person to live with..it's just judgemental rude comments that don't make me think highly of the person making them.
11/12/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGeek
Get a large rubbermaid tote, set it just inside her bedroom door, and whatever you find of hers, toss it in, as is. If she asks where her stuff is, point. If the tub gets full and she's capable of ignoring a a tub of rotting raw meat and dirty ... More
Hmm I actually like this idea for my children. I get so tired of putting their stuff away. Maybe I'll get a tote for each and when stuff lays around it gets thrown in the tote.
11/12/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Is there any reason why you are obligated to keep living with her?

Are you on a lease together? Is this your home? Hers?

If it's your home, or you're on the lease and she's not, I'd give her one last warning and ... More
Absolutely this!
11/12/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
Hmm I actually like this idea for my children. I get so tired of putting their stuff away. Maybe I'll get a tote for each and when stuff lays around it gets thrown in the tote.
I have 3 under bed totes for my kids toys. All on a short ikea utility shelf. Their toys go in the "buckets" the only exceptions are large stuffed animals which have their own basket. I throw all their toys into my kids room when I clean and they have to put them away. Its easy for them to do, so it works.
11/12/2010
LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
You need to speak up. Stop being passive. Don't be passive aggressive. Until you sit her down and have the talk with her and explain how you feel and why it's not fair and that she will have to move out if she cannot contribute, then YOU are ... More
I mostly agree with Adriana. Be very clear about what you expect from a roommate...be vocal and detailed. And if she isn't willing to meet your expectations, find a new roommate or move out.

Don't waste your time being her mother or doing anything for her that she should be doing herself. She's an adult; it's not your responsibility to teach her how to be one, nor will you succeed in changing her behavior by doing her work for her.
11/12/2010
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by kinky girlfriend
This actually reminds me of someone who lives here who but has been practically living with her boyfriend 10 years older who has nasty rotten teeth,doesnt' shower much and has 2 kids. she won't eat healthy,only junk food especially frozen ... More
You may want to be more careful in your wording as some of this could easily be offensive, even to people here. There are a lot of people here that embrace being full figured and describing overweight people as having 'nasty ugly stretch marks on her whole body belly back of legs, boobs' could hurt a lot of feelings. Beauty has nothing to do with being thin to a lot of people, including myself, and I know many people who would even counter as to say that they prefer fuller bodies on themselves and their partners.
11/12/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
I had a room mate similar to this, and on top of it she was an alcoholic and a drug user. (I know how to pick them.) I actually (I'm still shuddering years later) witnessed the deflowering of her boyfriend, on the top bunk above my head one night. OMG, couldn't wait until I was at the library or something.

We would make concerted efforts to clean up together, but she ended up stealing from me, not just clothes, but money and painkillers, and I realized that "taking care of her" was not something I wanted to do anymore.

She moved in with an other young woman, who was similar (and was actually the woman who said, "Hey, why don't you room with K, she'd be great for you?") to her, and I never saw their apartment, but I know she ended up in pretty dire straights.

I'm a nurse and have the "have to take care of people" thing but we have to choose to take care of people who not only need it (like partners or our own children) but people who will appreciate it.

I lived in an apartment where we had 5 girls and actually had a room mate agreement (OK, nothing like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory) and it worked out. We had cooking days and dish days etc. It worked out well, most of the time.

I think, if it is not in a romantic context it is really hard to live with other women.

Good luck. I wish I had more to tell you. A room mate agreement signed by all is the only thing I can think of.
11/12/2010
DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
What P'Gell wrote reminded me of this,

I live in an apartment with three other women; all of us are seniors in college, we didn't really know each other before living together (university housing, I'll say no more).

We have a kind of flow chart for chores in this apartment; on the refrigerator we have each of our names written on index cards, and smaller cards that denote what each of us has to do. This way, no one person is responsible for taking out the trash every time, no one person is responsible for mopping, sweeping or vacuuming.

We also have set rules about dishes in the sink or pots on the stove.

This, of course, is for four of us but it really works because there's the accountability of "Well, it's your turn to take out the trash, why has it been here for days?" and it's kind of held in place by a great application of peer pressure

I don't know that something like this would work in your instance, because your housemate doesn't appear to have any desire to be an appropriate house member, but this could be part of your ultimatum if you do chose to issue it.

Remember: you are not a babysitter, you are not her parent. You are equals.
11/12/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
You may want to be more careful in your wording as some of this could easily be offensive, even to people here. There are a lot of people here that embrace being full figured and describing overweight people as having 'nasty ugly stretch marks ... More
I wish I could "like" posts on here. Cuz I like yours

Although, sometimes I also wish I had the ability to vomit on command. There are certain people I often have the urge to vomit on. Not that that has anything to do with your post... I'll shut up now.
11/12/2010
Trashley Trashley
Move out.


Trust me, dealing with the same thing. Even if they're you're best friends, there's no changing it. Move out. You'll be happier.
11/13/2010
Total posts: 24
Unique posters: 18