How to love yourself?

  • Get a Free Rabbit Vibe with Orders $59+

How to love yourself?

Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
We were with my boyfriends family, and my boyfriend was staring at me.

His mom was like " I know that look, you look at Vanessa (me) like she's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen"

His reply was "Because she is"

Little things like that make me fall more in love with him.

but the problem is,

In my head, I turn it into something not so good. I'm extremely hard on myself. I am overweight, and I just don't see what he does. I'm currently trying to change by losing weight. In my eyes the weight is the ugliest part of me.

My question is, I've seen so many stories of people losing weight, but are still unhappy. How do I change my mind from this train of thought. How do you even start to love yourself, because I have NO idea how to do that. I want to look in the mirror and she the beauty he sees.

Am I the only one dealing with this problem? Did you have this problem? How did you overcome it?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I've had this feeling.
28
I've never had this feeling.
2
I have this feeling and I'm still trying to overcome it.
21
I did have this feeling, but no longer do.
5
Other
4
Total votes: 60 (43 voters)
Poll is closed
04/13/2012
  • Buy 3 Items for $70
  • Buy 3 Items for $50
  • Buy 3 Items for $30
  • Save 20% on Luxury Toys
  • Add Some Buzz To Your Favourite Toy & Save 60% On Kit
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Antipova Antipova
Oh Nessa, I have exactly the same thing, but even though my body is a healthy weight I just don't think it's very pretty.

It's tough, because I understand that other people think I'm pretty---I think the worst part is that when people compliment me, my knee-jerk instinct is "they must be lying to try to butter me up"... and then I always have to make myself step back, and say, oh yeah, they see me through different eyes than I do. They really do think [whatever nice thing they said].

I wish I had advice for helping you overcome it---I think it's great that you're on a healthy weight loss program ... but like you say, even when you meet your weight goal you still have to be able to give yourself a chance. It sounds like you're really similar to me, really high expectations and really high standards for yourself?

Oh, I wish I had more advice! Maybe somebody will come to this thread who already has made a bunch of progress, and we can both learn. But for now, you're not alone!
04/13/2012
gorgeous gorgeous
I think hearing it so much from my boyfriend makes me start to believe it. He tells me that I am always beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or look like. He says that there never been a time when he has thought that I wasn't beautiful.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Oh Nessa, I have exactly the same thing, but even though my body is a healthy weight I just don't think it's very pretty.

It's tough, because I understand that other people think I'm pretty---I think the worst part is that ...
Antipova, You've done alot. Just knowing that I'm not nuts and alone with what I'm feeling... I've become so worried about what people think of me that I can be on the bus, and someone looks at me and they start talking. In my head I think they are talking about me, eventhough I know the odd of that are a million to none.

I feel the same way, when someone says something nice this wall comes up, because I feel like they are lying, and they are saying this to keep what they really think from comingout. This has made me a very paranoid human being.

I walk around tugging on my cloth, because I don't want my fat rolls to be showing, and when I sit down I cover up. I'll either get a cover, or pillow, and when I'm out I use my bag to cover up my stomach. I'll be in clothing stores and when people look at me. In my head, I think they are thinking "what is she doing in here?" It's aweful.

I put myself down to the point annoying to my boyfriend. When HE tells me I'm beautiful or there is NOTHING wrong with me. I somehow convense myself that he's lying.

It's just bad, and I'm tired of feeling this way, I want to look at myself and see a beautiful women. Even with weightloss, I always find away to sabotage myself, I guess it's because I feel what if I get to this weight and I'm still unhappy and hard on myself. I mean when does it EVER end?
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by gorgeous
I think hearing it so much from my boyfriend makes me start to believe it. He tells me that I am always beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or look like. He says that there never been a time when he has thought that I wasn't beautiful.
AWE
I thank the heavens that there are good men out there that love you for you. When you find that one NEVER let him go. hahahaha My boyfriend is the same way, and I think that's the only thing keeping me sane. I just wish I was like you, and start to believe it...
04/13/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Taking the steps to make yourself healthier is a great first step! I think to avoid the feeling of still being unsatisfied, it might help if your motives and expectations are realistic and healthy.

For example, it's one thing to think, "I'm going to be healthy, I'm going to feel good, and I'm going to look good too!" It's another to think, "I just can't wait to look good!"

When I eat well and exercise, I usually never get more than 20 pounds down. (I sabotage myself and I'm over 30 and I have birthed a couple of kids, but mostly I sabotage myself.) But I find that if I'm working out and feeling good, I have fewer problems with my weight than when I'm being lazy about working out. Does that make sense?
04/13/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
AWE
I thank the heavens that there are good men out there that love you for you. When you find that one NEVER let him go. hahahaha My boyfriend is the same way, and I think that's the only thing keeping me sane. I just wish I was like you, ...
YOU have to tell it to yourself. It takes a lot of work but YOU have to change how you speak to yourself. Because if you don't feel it, you'll never believe anyone else. True story.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Taking the steps to make yourself healthier is a great first step! I think to avoid the feeling of still being unsatisfied, it might help if your motives and expectations are realistic and healthy.

For example, it's one thing to think, ...
When you choose to eat right, I've notice it's quite hard. I don't know why, but it just seems easier to eat junk haha.

Ha, you know what's so funny, that is me. I always say "I can't wait to look good" or "I can't wait for this to happen" and it seems to NEVER happen.

That does make complete sense! When I was losing weight in high school, it wasn't always on my mind, verses when I'm not workingout and just being a lazy ass and sitting around the house.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
YOU have to tell it to yourself. It takes a lot of work but YOU have to change how you speak to yourself. Because if you don't feel it, you'll never believe anyone else. True story.
I agree with you. How do you change a mind that is so use to thinking one way? How do you train it to start seeing the brighter side? When all it wants to do is stay in the dark.
04/13/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
When you choose to eat right, I've notice it's quite hard. I don't know why, but it just seems easier to eat junk haha.

Ha, you know what's so funny, that is me. I always say "I can't wait to look good" or "I ...
Eating healthy is hard because it's not convenient. You have to make everything, you have to measure everything, you have to be cautious about everything. And for me, there's always a, "Well, when this and this happens, then I can do it." I find that I'm always waiting.

For example, I bought a pass to our indoor pool that is open all year (a big deal in IOWA). I plan on getting up every other morning and going for a swim. I'm so excited, I bought all the stuff I could want, swim caps, a waterproof mp3 player, stuff for my goggles to not get foggy, a new suit... And then I got new tattoos before I started swimming. Now I have to wait 3 weeks after each tattoo to swim. I'm finishing the half-sleeve on Tuesday, so I still have three more weeks. Have I done ANYTHING else to exercise? Nope. Like I said, I sabotage myself.

Not like I can't walk, or do a video, or strength train... I'm just "waiting" for when I can swim.
04/13/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
I agree with you. How do you change a mind that is so use to thinking one way? How do you train it to start seeing the brighter side? When all it wants to do is stay in the dark.
Fake it 'til you make it.

Seriously, I hate that phrase and I feel like it's so contrite and fake, but it's so true.

You didn't get to a place of self-loathing overnight and your mindset to correct it won't happen overnight either.

For me, I spent about a year just feeling, "I deserve to like myself. I deserve to think I look great."
04/13/2012
Annemarie Annemarie
It has taken a very, very long time, two years or so, but I no longer think my boyfriend is lying to me when he tells me that I'm pretty.

I'm not quite yet totally loving myself (other than in the orgasmic way every night...), but I don't think he's got some ulterior motive anymore.

I think that's an important first step. You don't have to love yourself 100% on the first day, that's unreasonable to expect. If you've been together for awhile, it's easier. Maybe explain how you feel about yourself to him, then ask him, every time you see him, why he thinks the way he does, or what about you he finds beautiful/gorgeous/app ropriate adjective. He'll get in the habit of doing it, and, at some point, you'll start believing him, and maybe even seeing some of the things he does. That's the first step.

It does take work, though. For both you and your boyfriend.
04/13/2012
SubmissiveFeminist SubmissiveFeminist
This is a really hard feeling to have. I have also had this. I feel like I often take things wrong when people try to compliment me and it often makes me feel worse. I'm working on this, though. I have learned that some people truly do love you no matter what. Some people either have attractions that are not the "norm" in society or they are able to look past these norms and find beauty in their own way.
04/13/2012
kawigrl kawigrl
changing things about oneself does not necessarily make the thoughts and feelings go away. It's a difficult task that takes time and patients sometimes the change is not the solution
04/13/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Fake it 'til you make it.

Seriously, I hate that phrase and I feel like it's so contrite and fake, but it's so true.

You didn't get to a place of self-loathing overnight and your mindset to correct it won't happen ...
... I don't really totally agree that "faking it til you make it" works to actually fix the problem. Sure, it's sound advice for living day to day. I get myself out of bed by faking it til I make it. But... I've been doing that for more than a decade now. It's a stop-gap measure, it lets me keep living, but it really hasn't made me better.

I wish I knew how to actually improve how I feel about myself.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Eating healthy is hard because it's not convenient. You have to make everything, you have to measure everything, you have to be cautious about everything. And for me, there's always a, "Well, when this and this happens, then I can do ...
Agreed, That is why I fail at eating right. It's hard to cook two dinners. I cook for my brother and boyfriend, and then I have to cook for me. By the time I'm done cooking for them, I don't even want to make my food.

I haven't been in a pool in over 4 years! I live in the city and the only pool are public pools that little kids pee in and everything. hahaha

I just went through something like that, not with tattoos. First I was like I need to wait till monday and I'll start and then my period came and I was like "I can't workout during my period". It's not that I can't I just don't like it. I try to move at least as possible during that time lol Thus messing myself up and taking longer to actually do it.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Fake it 'til you make it.

Seriously, I hate that phrase and I feel like it's so contrite and fake, but it's so true.

You didn't get to a place of self-loathing overnight and your mindset to correct it won't happen ...
Ha, I think that's what I'm going to do... I'm gonna have to talk myself into it. I've done it before, I can do it again. The loathing part came so easy lol.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Annemarie
It has taken a very, very long time, two years or so, but I no longer think my boyfriend is lying to me when he tells me that I'm pretty.

I'm not quite yet totally loving myself (other than in the orgasmic way every night...), but I ...
I'm doing a little dance for you
You are making progress and thats a million time better then staying the way you were.

I'm going to talk to him about that. I never asked him before what he found beautiful about me. I worry acting that way will make me seem needy.. Could it? I just worry about pushing in away.
04/13/2012
js250 js250
Nessa, when you "can't wait for (goal)" you are already starting the sabotage. Life flies by while you are waiting, then when you do finally obtain that goal, you aren't happy. It is not magic. The magic comes from inside you. I have dealt with this issue most of my life and over the last couple of years I have finally crawled out of the "can't wait" or "when this happens, then I can" & learned to stop the sabotage. When you set a goal that is to make you happy when it happens, weight, then you also give yourself subconcious permission to not be happy until then. You also tend to make that goal a magic pill and when the magic pill doesn't work, you fall back into old habits and tear the goal apart since it did not make you happy, (put weight back on).

What I learned to do was simple, but very hard work at the same time. I had backslides and had to work even harder to get my progress back, but it has been working and I hope some of it can work for you as well. I will be your confidence buddy if you need one or want me to, just message me. You are lucky to have someone that is on your side and is positive for you, I have someone who tears me down and tries to undo my work on myself because that person is threatened by it.

Answer these questions -honestly from deep inside yourself- in a notebook.
1. What is my favorite physical feature?
2. What is my least favorite feature?
3. What do I get the most compliments on?
4. What are my inner strengths?
5. What are my biggest weaknesses?
6. How can I learn to live with my weaknesses?
7. How can I use my strengths to overcome the weaknesses?
8. Why do I think that -pick you top 3 goals- will make me happy?
9. If I do not meet these goals, how does that change who I am as a person? Why?
10. How can I bring out my positive assets, both physical and personality, to let them dominate?
11. What are alternatives to your goals that would allow you to accept who you are?

12. Why do you feel you do not deserve to be happy, how can you work on those issues?

I do this every month now, I used to do this weekly. I also really enhanced what I liked about myself to the point where I did not think about the factors I did not like as much. I now realize that no one can like or love me unless I like or love myself. I will sabotage them (by putting myself down). When they hear all the negatives, it erodes the positives. I wish you luck and really sympathize with you-I have been and am there a bit as well, but it has gotten so much better. Hope some of this helps you as much as it has helped me. "Grab all of the good in yourself and let it shine-the light will eventually make the dust bunnies fade."
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by SubmissiveFeminist
This is a really hard feeling to have. I have also had this. I feel like I often take things wrong when people try to compliment me and it often makes me feel worse. I'm working on this, though. I have learned that some people truly do love you ...
It's good to know that I'm not the only one who twist things in my head. I never really talked to anyone about that because I thought it would make me seem odd. It's really hard to grasp that someone loves you for you, when you can't even love you for you... does that make sense?
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by kawigrl
changing things about oneself does not necessarily make the thoughts and feelings go away. It's a difficult task that takes time and patients sometimes the change is not the solution
Thats why I'm trying to figure out how to change my train of thought. I don't want to loose weight and be even more depressed.
04/13/2012
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
... I don't really totally agree that "faking it til you make it" works to actually fix the problem. Sure, it's sound advice for living day to day. I get myself out of bed by faking it til I make it. But... I've been doing that ...
Antipova, you are beautiful and I just love you!
I do agree with you, I wish I could find the root cause and fix that. I feel if you don't somehow find that root cause, you'll end up more depressed.
04/13/2012
Femme Mystique Femme Mystique
I have to remind myself to just be nice to myself and to let others be nice to me too. I think it's so easy to find flaws in ourselves, especially when we're peppered with images of people who are airbrushed. You could try writing yourself affirmations about the things you do like about yourself and putting them places you will see them (i.e. Your mirror).
04/13/2012
junipersgame junipersgame
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
I agree with you. How do you change a mind that is so use to thinking one way? How do you train it to start seeing the brighter side? When all it wants to do is stay in the dark.
I used to have very similar issues. Now, I feel like a goddess, even though I've gained some weight. What helped me most was being naked. No, really- being naked a LOT. I would stare at my naked body in the mirror every day, and tell myself I was beautiful and worth being loved (most especially and importantly, loved by me!). And I made myself pick three positive features that made me feel beautiful every day.

It's hard at first. When you start, you'll find more faults when you stare in the mirror than good things. Perseverance is the key. Do it EVERY DAY, until you start to actually see your beauty. And keep doing it, even after you start to believe it. Don't break yourself down and pick apart your perceived ugliness. Pick things you actually believe are beautiful: your eyes, the curve of your smile, the gloss of your hair. Pick small things, focus on how much you like them, and eventually, you'll start to like the rest of your beautiful self, too.

Good luck - you can do it!
04/13/2012
vanilla&chocolate vanilla&chocolate
I blame society. Society tells us that we have to fit this very specific mold in order to be beautiful, and I say F*** that! It does take awhile to say this, though.
04/13/2012
Annemarie Annemarie
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
I'm doing a little dance for you
You are making progress and thats a million time better then staying the way you were.

I'm going to talk to him about that. I never asked him before what he found beautiful about me. I worry acting ...
Girl, you've been with the man for 8 years (as I saw on another thread). You don't need to worry about being needy. You gots the man already!
04/13/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by vanilla&chocolate
I blame society. Society tells us that we have to fit this very specific mold in order to be beautiful, and I say F*** that! It does take awhile to say this, though.
It might be societal for some people, but I really don't think it is for me. For one, I am generally considered by the average person on the street to be prettier than average. It's not like I'm comparing myself with other people... I am reasonably confident that even if I was living in the 1850s and there was only black and white newspaper available in my small town, I'd still be disappointed with myself.

On the bright side, it was harder to make full-sized mirrors back then... hm.
04/13/2012
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I know I've felt this way, "Who the heck would be attracted to this lanky, fat, albino who smokes too much?"

...then I realize "Someone will."

If confidence is the sexiest thing, lack of confidence must be the opposite. So I make it point to mid-line it - it is what it is.
04/13/2012
StarFire StarFire
I think every one goes through this and its kinda a constant thing. Just keep your head up and listen to your bf he knows what his talking bout! I know for me at least that one day i will have that same feeling so i make my self get up put on a little makeup and something that shows off my best features and it makes me fell better. And as bad as this sounds i love when i can catch someone else besides my bf checking me out i love it!!! Don't get me wrong i love hearing it from my bf and i love catching him check me out but there is just something different about it when its not some one that loves you.... I think that a lot of these issues stem from social media and society if you went back in time and looked at what people though was attractive compared to today its astonishing!!! Art itself shows that if you look at paintings from the Renascence those girls were not the toothpicks of today and that's because a healthy girl was one with some meat on her bones it was a sign of beauty and wealth.
04/13/2012
Terri69 Terri69
Everyone goes through this at one time or another, don't put so much pressure on yourself. I would make a list every night of at 5 positive things about myself, corny, but it worked
04/13/2012
  • 1
  • 2
Total posts: 53
Unique posters: 25