I have a lot I need to get out, if anyone wants to listen.

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I have a lot I need to get out, if anyone wants to listen.

Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
This past week, I have been more depressed than I have been in a very, very long time. I'm terrified for my dad's life.

My father has cirrhosis of the liver. He was diagnosed two years ago. Up until now, he's been uncomfortable - his stomach swells with fluid and needs to be drained weekly - and tired and occasionally nauseated but otherwise he's been okay. He was well enough to work, even.

Now last Monday I got up to go to work and saw he was still in bed. It isn't uncommon for him to have a day off (like for a doctor's appointment) and forget to tell me, so I didn't think anything of it. Then an hour after I get to work, I get a call from my older brother. Our aunts had been called by my dad's boss - he didn't show up and didn't call out, which isn't like him at all. I had to rush home and get inside the house to make sure he was okay. He was disoriented, confused, and didn't even seem to realize anything was wrong (he didn't even notice I was in tears). It didn't click that it was 11 in the morning and he should have been at work five hours prior. He wanted to get ready for work.

A neighbor and I got him to the hospital, and my brother met us there. He became more lucid as time went on, but it wasn't until late afternoon that he was fully himself. His ammonia level had shot up, and it had effected his head. A few days in the hospital, and he was able to come home, but he was told he can't drive anymore - and so he's going on disability because he works as a driver. My aunts are trying to work out a way so one of them can always be here, since I can't quit work (especially now that money's going to be even tighter).

And tonight it happened again. He got sick, and insisted that he didn't want to go to the hospital. My one aunt who's staying for now has power of attorney, so she had the final say. They just went off in the ambulance a few hours ago.

I couldn't go. I just couldn't. It's... very hard for me to explain in words. My mother said it's because of my very sensitive nature - being in stressful situations is extremely hard for me, which I suppose is probably a big part of it. Another part is that I'm afraid he'll be mad at me for being the one to call the taxi we tried before calling an ambulance. I know that may seem trivial, and in my rational head I know it's extremely stupid, but my father, while extremely loving most of the time, can also be controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive when he's angry, and that has always had a strong effect on me. Had I been the only one with him, I probably wouldn't have called the ambulance simply because he didn't want me to. And I hate myself for that, just like I hate myself for not checking more closely Monday morning.

It just feels like too much. I'm tired all the time. I need to ask for more hours at work or else we're going to be in trouble, and I don't know if I'll get them because my fucking boss has been so hire-happy lately that everyone's hours have been cut, so I may need a new job. I keep thinking of the worst-case scenarios. I feel boxed-in. I'm terrified that one of these times Dad's going to go to the hospital and not come back. He's on the active transfer list, but it could be a year or longer before they find him a liver. I don't know what's going to happen.

I know that this is extremely long to read and I'm sorry. Thanks to anybody who bothered. You guys don't have to say anything. I just feel a bit better getting it out.
06/11/2012
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
*hugs* I'm taking care of my mother, so I can understand the stress of home care (my mother has permanent nerve damage that has her on pain-killers the rest of her life). It's heartbreaking to see the one person who's been bigger than life taken down like this. I don't have any answers, but you do have my sympathy and lots of virtual hugs.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
*hugs* I'm taking care of my mother, so I can understand the stress of home care (my mother has permanent nerve damage that has her on pain-killers the rest of her life). It's heartbreaking to see the one person who's been bigger than ...
I appreciate it, I truly do. I think there's more I should say, but I'm so extremely tired I can barely think. I don't want to go to sleep just yet.
06/11/2012
Antipova Antipova
Oh, Rin, so many hugs.

Feel free to add me on Skype, it's on my profile page... <3
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Oh, Rin, so many hugs.

Feel free to add me on Skype, it's on my profile page... <3
Don't have Skype, but thanks for offering. I may message you if I feel up to it later.
06/11/2012
Gone (LD29) Gone (LD29)
I don't have any good advice, but wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts. Take care.
06/11/2012
Zombirella Zombirella
Oh, I'm so sorry hun I can't imagine what it's like. I think alot of men are just hard headed when it comes to things like this, no matter how bad. My dad waits until the up most LAST minute to go to the doctor. He will go back to work and do things he isn't supposed to do. He had knee surgery on both but refused to sit around and heal like a normal person.
I just say that if you are ever in the situation where you are alone with him, you just gotta block out whatever mean things he may say out of anger and get him the help he needs but may not WANT. It may be hard but that is what I would do. Let him carry on all he wants but he's going and that's that.
I hope things with disability go smoothly for him and that things work out with you and your aunts trying to have someone there with him.
It always seems like when things go wrong, it all has to happen at once. I hate feeling overwhelmed, scared and stressed.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Gone (LD29)
I don't have any good advice, but wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts. Take care.
Thanks a lot. I'll do my best.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Zombirella
Oh, I'm so sorry hun I can't imagine what it's like. I think alot of men are just hard headed when it comes to things like this, no matter how bad. My dad waits until the up most LAST minute to go to the doctor. He will go back to work ...
Heh, my dad's always been like that. He used to be an RN, and he despises hospitals partly because he remembers the doctors always treating the nurses like shit. Doesn't help that he's naturally a very stubborn and proud person to begin with.

Hopefully I'll never have to be alone with him. My brother told me that if it ever happens like that, I'm to call him and he'll help me decide if I need to call an ambulance. Big bro's always been much better at standing up to Dad. I just hope that, if he can't answer his phone, I'll be able to make a clear decision.
06/11/2012
KyotoAngel KyotoAngel
Seems a lot of the Eden community is having a rough week. =(
I know exactly what you mean about being "over-sensitive", I get like that a lot myself.
I had to google cirrhosis of the liver but it certainly sounds like the kind of thing that won't be improving his mood any.
The best thing we can do for our parents when they get sick like that is to just try to understand what they might be going through and do what we can to make them more comfortable.
Does your father know how the way he gets when he gets angry affects you? Parents aren't exactly mind readers unfortunately, they need a little help understanding sometimes.
My mom has fibromyalgia and once in a while the pain gets her in such a horrid mood that she can sort of snap at people without really meaning to, so maybe your dad doesn't even realize how he gets when he's angry.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by KyotoAngel
Seems a lot of the Eden community is having a rough week. =(
I know exactly what you mean about being "over-sensitive", I get like that a lot myself.
I had to google cirrhosis of the liver but it certainly sounds like the kind of ...
Apparently now he doesn't remember a thing about the incident last night - being angry or anything like that. I'll probably be going to see him later today.

And he knows how his anger effects me. I've never hidden it. I'll cry, hyperventilate, sit stock-still for hours, and he'll just sit there being mad at me. As far as he's concerned, since he's never actually hit me, I shouldn't be afraid of him. Which in some capacity is true, I suppose, but on the other hand it's not being hit that I'm afraid of - I have trouble dealing with loved ones being angry (either at myself or anything else) to begin with, and with him it's so much worse. I'm not going into more detail with that, but he's been like this all his life, and everybody who knows him well knows about it.
06/11/2012
Gracie Gracie
It is a difficult time when you shift from being the cared for person into the caregiver roll! And then when you add in all the other baggage you accumulate though life it just is complicated! I'm so sorry you're having to go though this now! Sending hugs. And I'm always willing to listen!
06/11/2012
js250 js250
Rin--

I have been going through the parent caregiver situation as well. I was abused by both parents as a child, but my fathers was not as harsh and permanent -to a point- as my mothers. I was able to forgive, if not forget, the abuse suffered from him. Unfortunately it took me almost dying in a wreck to come to grip with everything and decide not to remain a victim. I fully understand where you are coming from and if you need to message someone and 'talk', please message me. I try to be on here most of the time. I am thinking of you and am giving you huge hugs and wishing you strength!!
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Gracie
It is a difficult time when you shift from being the cared for person into the caregiver roll! And then when you add in all the other baggage you accumulate though life it just is complicated! I'm so sorry you're having to go though this ...
Always appreciate hugs. Thank you.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Rin--

I have been going through the parent caregiver situation as well. I was abused by both parents as a child, but my fathers was not as harsh and permanent -to a point- as my mothers. I was able to forgive, if not forget, the abuse suffered ...
It took me forever to even realize that some of the things he says when he's angry could count as abusive. Especially since at any other time, he's generally very nice and charismatic, and he's often been a great source of comfort when I was upset about other things. It seems so paradoxical. But in hindsight, the long-term effects it's had on me make it very obvious.

Last night when I was on the phone with my mother and I told her about being afraid that he'd be mad, I could tell she was holding back some harsh words about him. She said it was terrible that that would even cross my mind at a time like this.

Now with all this going on, my instincts are conflicting. Next time this happens, and it probably will, I'm going to probably struggle between wanting to get him to a hospital and wanting to just let him be so he doesn't get angrier. My aunts just switched out, and the one who's here now is another former RN. I feel better having her here.

I appreciate your offer to talk. Don't be surprised if you get a note from me at some point.
06/11/2012
Modern^Spank^Anthem Modern^Spank^Anthem
I hope your father's condition stabilizes and gets better, if you speak to your boss or other managers explaining that you really need the hours and explain the situation maybe they'll be understanding
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Modern^Spank^Anthem
I hope your father's condition stabilizes and gets better, if you speak to your boss or other managers explaining that you really need the hours and explain the situation maybe they'll be understanding
If nothing else, I am very well-liked at my job. I'm also known for being responsible and a hard worker, and I almost never call out. On top of having been there for close to four years, hopefully these facts will work in my favor.

I'm just worried that they won't have hours to give me in the first place. They were short before, and then they went ahead and hired so many new people. Everyone's feeling the crunch, so I feel like hell for needing to ask for more, but what can I do?
06/11/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
If nothing else, I am very well-liked at my job. I'm also known for being responsible and a hard worker, and I almost never call out. On top of having been there for close to four years, hopefully these facts will work in my favor.

I'm ...
You can go and say "so, given my dad's health, I'm going to need at least X hours a week. Is it possible for me to get that?"
(response)

"If not, and if I had to pick up an extra part-time job, would you guys prefer I work mornings or evenings with you, or which days, or could you be flexible with however my second job work schedule winds up working?"

----------

And I totally ... I don't think it ever dawned on me that some of my dad's actions could be described as abusive either, until one day he was explaining/yelling to my brother and me "If I was actually abusive, you two would never have the guts to do anything that would make me mad because you'd be scared of me. So clearly I'm not abusive."

And I was like... wait a second. Under what circumstances does someone think that's ... the right thing to say, when neither my brother nor I had ever mentioned him being abusive?

Anyhow, I hope things are easier with the new aunt, and I hope you'll be able to get care for him. It's really hard, I know how resistant to healthcare some people (and I'm one) can be, but in this circumstance he really does need help that the hospital can give him and you at home can't.
06/11/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
You can go and say "so, given my dad's health, I'm going to need at least X hours a week. Is it possible for me to get that?"
(response)

"If not, and if I had to pick up an extra part-time job, would you guys prefer I ...
Abuser logic: how does it work?!

But, on a lighter note, my brother picked me up to go see Dad in the hospital. He was much better today, and was very happy to see me. No genuine anger this time - it was all the ammonia. He didn't remember last night at all.

I'm so relieved that he's okay. He'll probably be there at least another day or two, and the doctors are trying to sort out a way to keep his ammonia levels down as much as possible so that this doesn't happen, or at least not every week. We now know some of the signs that he's getting confused, too, so we can hopefully catch it more quickly next time.

Everyone's so happy I was there, because it was one thing I noticed that tipped us all off before he started getting bad: when I tried to hold his hand, he didn't squeeze it back, and he always does even if it's just for a second or two. My brother said that if I hadn't noticed and said something, we might not have acted quick enough and Dad might be in a coma right now. It's amazing how much a tiny detail like that can matter.
06/12/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
it's time for you to get some props for your nobility.

living with your father at a difficult time is commendable enough - but helping take care of him while he's ill, and has been abusive? girl, you're a saint.

i for one know that if my father was ill and needed care and continued to be abusive to me during the need for care... i'd be anything but compassionate. anything but helpful. i'd tell him to fuck off. and not really care what happened from there.

my childhood abuse was pretty severe however. i don't know what your situation is like but i have to tell you i've never hyperventilated due to it. sounds like it's affecting you tremendously.


if you find a way to move out, please do. it would be much healthier for you. your father has made his bed, and can lie in it. if you're at least in the same town as him, not only will he have your brother as well should something happen, but you'll be close enough that you can help if absolutely necessary.

also, why isn't your mom helping out?


one must take care of oneself first. especially in situations where abuse arises. the abuser of course is human like the rest of us, but we have to protect ourselves from them.




i wish you the best. if you ever want to talk or have questions, i'll gladly open my inbox to you.
06/12/2012
Ilovelingerie Ilovelingerie
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
This past week, I have been more depressed than I have been in a very, very long time. I'm terrified for my dad's life.

My father has cirrhosis of the liver. He was diagnosed two years ago. Up until now, he's been uncomfortable - ...
I'm sorry, life can be hard.


I'm not very smart when it comes to medical conditions. But you have my sympathy. I hope everything gets better and works out for you and your father.
06/12/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
it's time for you to get some props for your nobility.

living with your father at a difficult time is commendable enough - but helping take care of him while he's ill, and has been abusive? girl, you're a saint.

i for one ...
Trust me, it's hardly noble or anything like that. It's partly out of the love I feel when he's calm - he and I get along so well most of the time you wouldn't think we ever have rocky moments - and a general submissiveness towards him when he's not. I'm actually kind of surprised how the emotional abuse got to be the side-topic here. It was just a footnote about why I didn't want to go along, and it didn't occur to me that mentioning it might make it half of the thread. Kind of funny, I suppose.

I would like to move out (not just to get some space from him, but also just because I'd like to be on my own) but that won't be for a while. Mainly because I can't afford it. I'm not desperate to leave, though. His illness has made him too tired to get angry much anymore, and the ammonia spike and confusion were what was causing it last night. He's fine now that it's under control.

As for my mom, she and Dad got divorced over ten years ago, and she's not allowed on the property. He refuses to have anything to do with her, even now, and I wouldn't doubt that she doesn't much favor the idea of helping him. She went through the same abuse that I did while they were married. But she's always there to offer emotional support whenever I call, and she's always reminding me that I have a place at her house whenever I need it.
06/12/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Ilovelingerie
I'm sorry, life can be hard.


I'm not very smart when it comes to medical conditions. But you have my sympathy. I hope everything gets better and works out for you and your father.
Hey, I'm pretty dumb about this stuff, too. It's just nice to have your thoughts.
06/12/2012
Antipova Antipova
Hugs for you today too, Rin!
06/12/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
I just saw this thread and wanted to send hugs too.

06/12/2012
Total posts: 25
Unique posters: 12