I'm having some family problems.

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I'm having some family problems.

Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Okay so, I moved out of my moms house when I was 18yrs old. Me and her ended on bad terms. We are working on our relationship, and we are getting stronger. Now, My little brother is now 18 and he doesn't really live with my mom. He lives with friends. He now wants to move in with me.(He's in florida, I'm in minneapolis) He tells me he wants to go to school, and find a job. He has had some problems in the past. Nothing with him getting in trouble with the law or anything. You know just the normal drinking and smoking (hes young) I only have a couple of months to figure something out. I don't know why I'm scared, but Iam. I don't want to say NO to him because what if something happens, and him moving with me could have avoided the problem, and he grows to hate me because I didn't help him when he begged me too. That scares me more than anything.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?
09/06/2011
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Ansley Ansley
In my home the rule is thus:

So long as you haven't murdered, molested, robbed, raped or brought cocaine/meth/crack into my home, you're welcome to stay. Take that for what you will.
09/06/2011
AngelvMaynard AngelvMaynard
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
Okay so, I moved out of my moms house when I was 18yrs old. Me and her ended on bad terms. We are working on our relationship, and we are getting stronger. Now, My little brother is now 18 and he doesn't really live with my mom. He lives with ...
I'm not usually one for giving out family or marriage advice when I don't know you, however, I too have a younger brother and had a similar situation. I said yes to him moving in with some very specific rules. I won't bore you with the details of the rules, but I was very much like a parent in that, this is my place and the rules are mine, abide and we're good, don't and you're out. We ended up having a blast living together and he left respecting me not only as my brother, but as my friend and as a person.
Stay strong and don't let the familial tie burden you into dealing with situations you don't want to. You deserve the respect and the consideration from your brother just as you would any other roommate who shares a living space with you.
Ok, that's it for my two cents
Good Luck!
09/06/2011
Ace <3 Ace <3
I agree with the post above. My brother is in the same boat. I gave him rules and said that if he wanted to live with me he would listen to them, and if not he was welcome to move back in with the parents. I was never a hard-ass on him, but the rules were posted on the fridge so he saw them everyday. When he broke one, I punished him by doing cleaning or dish duty (even though we traded off normally...he was stuck with it for a week straight or something). It's important for you to help your brother, but it is also important for him to realize that its your house and your liability if something went wrong. Just make sure to keep communication open and not get upset with each other any more than normal siblings do. Good luck!
09/06/2011
LaLaLouise LaLaLouise
I agree with Angel. If it were me, I would allow him to move in with me, but I would lay out (and enforce!) ground rules. If he wants to get a job and go to school, he is to do so, and focus on those before any type of social life. He is also to respect you and your home, pull his weight both financially and with housework. If he is going down a path where continuing to live with friends may lead him into trouble, then living with you may be the positive influence he needs. Showing him how to be an adult and be responsible could have an awesome impact on him. But you seem like a sweetie who doesn't like to tell people no, so if you do let him move in, make sure you stand your ground about him following your rules!! <3
09/06/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I would have a blatantly honest discussion with the brother, that's how it is in my family, we are honest.

I would tell him what my worries are about him moving in and about how he might hold a grudge if you told him no. This way he gets to understand where you stand and what your perspective is. I would give him the time to think about what you said and get his opinion on what you have said. This will give him a chance to reassure you or to confirm what you might have feared (that is if he is honest).

Being able to keep the doors of communication open, and allowing you both the chance to talk about your concerns will help you decide what to do.

I have a younger sister who is always getting herself in very scary and horrible situations and she is not much younger than I (only 3 yrs younger), but I have always told her that she was free to come live with me, if ever anything happened. I would much rather have a good influence on her around at all times then have her go live with a douche who doesn't give shit about her.
09/06/2011
js250 js250
Listen to your gut feelings!! Communicate with your brother about your feelings, needs and what needs to take place for things to work out and have him do the same; sometimes a letter either to yourself or him will clarify things correctly. Listen to each other and either work out a compromise you both can handle. You might also talk to someone at ymca, Salvation Army or your church group about alternative, but permanent housing help. I wish you both the best, my brother and I went through this and I will always be there for him, but there are limits now to how far out of my comfort zone I can go and still remain true to myself.
09/06/2011
Kkay Kkay
You've gotten a lot of great advice. The only thing I'd add is that I personally would want him to apply to and be accepted into a local school before agreeing to the move.
09/06/2011
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
In my home the rule is thus:

So long as you haven't murdered, molested, robbed, raped or brought cocaine/meth/crack into my home, you're welcome to stay. Take that for what you will.
lol love it. but yeah, i really like it.
09/06/2011
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
18 year olds are brats (no offense to anyone who is 18) but it's always better for him to be near you, that way you can help him be better by being a good influence and example. honestly, it doesn't sound like he's going off the deep end and i wouldn't worry too much about things getting messed up.

my sis is 18 and if she ever ran into trouble, i would always welcome her into my home. i would recommend for him to get a job and go to school, because that never hurts
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
In my home the rule is thus:

So long as you haven't murdered, molested, robbed, raped or brought cocaine/meth/crack into my home, you're welcome to stay. Take that for what you will.
I feel the same way.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by AngelvMaynard
I'm not usually one for giving out family or marriage advice when I don't know you, however, I too have a younger brother and had a similar situation. I said yes to him moving in with some very specific rules. I won't bore you with the ...
For someone who doesn't give too much advice. I personally thought your advice waa very good. Me and the boyfriend talked about the rules Idea and he thinks it's a perfect idea. We are going to sit down and make up some rules. I pray and hope if he does move in that it will end like you and your brother did.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Ace <3
I agree with the post above. My brother is in the same boat. I gave him rules and said that if he wanted to live with me he would listen to them, and if not he was welcome to move back in with the parents. I was never a hard-ass on him, but the rules ...
Thank you for your advice. That's my problem, eventhough he's 18 anything that happens in my house is MY problem. Anything out of the house would be on him. I've stressed to him that he is an adult!! If he messes up, he's the one that is going to be dealing with it, and there is nothing I can do. He isn't a bad kid and he's never been in trouble, but people change.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by LaLaLouise
I agree with Angel. If it were me, I would allow him to move in with me, but I would lay out (and enforce!) ground rules. If he wants to get a job and go to school, he is to do so, and focus on those before any type of social life. He is also to ...
That is one of the reasons why I'd love for him to move in with me. So, he can see not everyone is in a bad relationship. Not everyone is out to get something from him. I just want to help him. Hopefully he will listen and follow my direction.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I would have a blatantly honest discussion with the brother, that's how it is in my family, we are honest.

I would tell him what my worries are about him moving in and about how he might hold a grudge if you told him no. This way he gets ...
I'm gonna have a talk with him, and state what I want and don't want. I don't want to control his life. I just want him to respect my boyfriend and me and my house.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Kkay
You've gotten a lot of great advice. The only thing I'd add is that I personally would want him to apply to and be accepted into a local school before agreeing to the move.
I've applied him to the community college, and I've found GED classes. The CC said he can take college classes, and get his GED at the same time.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
18 year olds are brats (no offense to anyone who is 18) but it's always better for him to be near you, that way you can help him be better by being a good influence and example. honestly, it doesn't sound like he's going off the deep end ...
I agree! Alot of 18 year olds think, well the sate says I'm an adult I can do what I want, and not listen to anyone. When really they still have sooo much growing up to do.
09/06/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Listen to your gut feelings!! Communicate with your brother about your feelings, needs and what needs to take place for things to work out and have him do the same; sometimes a letter either to yourself or him will clarify things correctly. Listen to ...
I did call a local youth center and asked about housing. They offer low income housing. His rent will be 5% of his income. If he doesn't have income the welfair office will pay his rent till he finds a job. I looked into that just incase he wanted to act up or something happends he has to go. He will have a back-up plan.
09/06/2011
Peggi Peggi
I agree that letting him move in with the rules and enforcement of said rules is a good idea, but when my sister did the same thing to me, she proved herself to be very sneaky. She would go behind my back against my "rules". So, it was very tough, it was like being a parent! But, your brother may not have the same problems that my sister did, and he may really be wanting and willing to turn his life around! So, that being said, if you think that your brother is trustworthy enough to respect you, your house and YOUR rules, go for it
09/06/2011
Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
Thank you for your advice. That's my problem, eventhough he's 18 anything that happens in my house is MY problem. Anything out of the house would be on him. I've stressed to him that he is an adult!! If he messes up, he's the one that ...
People change, but often for the better if they have the right support, trust and love.
09/06/2011
Antipova Antipova
It looks like you've gotten some good advice so far, and it looks like you're following through well. All the best to you---I hope he does a good job of following the "Rules of the House." Sometimes it can be hard to be on your best behavior around family, so be firm-but-kind if he falters! *hug*
09/06/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
I did call a local youth center and asked about housing. They offer low income housing. His rent will be 5% of his income. If he doesn't have income the welfair office will pay his rent till he finds a job. I looked into that just incase he ...
Wow you are so proactive! Good for you for being forward and helpful on top of protecting yourself in case it goes awry.
09/06/2011
Nothere Nothere
Good for you Ms. Nessa! You seem like a very caring sister. I believe that family is very important. I would definitely help my sister (or brother in your case). He's young and has made some youthful mistakes in the past, but it seems like he wants to make something of his life--which is good. If you are comfortable, I would say that this is a good opportunity to help guide him. Note, I say guide not control. You are absolutely right not to want to control him. Living with you only will work if you come up with a set of rules, preferably written. The rules would include how much you would be involved with his life, rules of the house, how long he'd stay, non-negotiable boundaries etc. If this were written down and signed then you would both know what you were getting into. I think, that you are comfortable with a brother living with you, that this is a good chance for you to make a positive influence on your brother's life. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with--it will due no good for either of you. Good luck!
09/06/2011
Sunshine14343 Sunshine14343
Quote:
Originally posted by AngelvMaynard
I'm not usually one for giving out family or marriage advice when I don't know you, however, I too have a younger brother and had a similar situation. I said yes to him moving in with some very specific rules. I won't bore you with the ...
agreed
09/16/2011
Total posts: 24
Unique posters: 14